TurboSimmie March 7, 2024 Share March 7, 2024 I've been meaning to respond to you and I'm afraid I don't really have time tonight to write as long of a response as I would like. But I've always found your system very fascinating! I did take your claim of 500+ system members with a dose of skepticism but didn't dismiss it outright. I have always just been very curious about how such a system would even function, and what it means for someone to qualify as a headmate under such a system. Because I tell you what, it's been almost a year since my son James was born and we're still struggling with the process of going from 2 to 3 in this head. A system size like Ice or Cat/Ranger's systems already seems too large to manage, but in their cases, as with yours, I assume there are things I just don't understand about how systems like that function. If I have the time/energy/presence-of-mind tomorrow I'll try to respond to you in more detail. I just want to say again that I'm very happy you're here again! 😊 Tulpa Wife & Mother! 💚 💍 11.28.21 👶 4.7.23 👗 Simmie's AI Dress-Up! 📷 Chloe and Simmie's Photographic Adventures! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adagio March 8, 2024 Author Share March 8, 2024 (edited) On 3/6/2024 at 2:42 PM, SeekingMyPlanet said: I've always suspected there's kind of a macho among plural folks pertaining to how large their system is. Sort of like among some folks how much weight they can lift or how many bedrooms their house is or their income. We're at two right now and neither of us has any desire for anyone else to move in here with us. Oh there definitely is. Part of it comes from there being a lot of younger people in the community, I imagine. It's very easy to get swept up and try to match or be better than everyone else. And a lot of younger people are still exploring their identity, and it is VERY easy to get your identity messed up while in those kinds of spaces. I still struggle with a lot of identity issues from there, and I have days where I sometimes really just want to go back, because it always felt like I fit in with those spaces. But there's a lot of people who need professional help and aren't getting that help in those spaces, and that can impact people around them. I once read something about how DID support groups never worked because everyone would try to one up everyone else, and then they all kind of just got worse instead of getting better. There's also the whole fictive thing. It's become almost like a competition (I've seen people refer to it like a gotta catch em all thing) to have The most fictives from all The most popular current medias. But that's an entire other topic and I don't really want to talk about it because it can get a bit controversial, perhaps? I can't find a way to word what I want to say. Anyways! On 3/6/2024 at 7:55 PM, TurboSimmie said: I've been meaning to respond to you and I'm afraid I don't really have time tonight to write as long of a response as I would like. But I've always found your system very fascinating! I did take your claim of 500+ system members with a dose of skepticism but didn't dismiss it outright. I have always just been very curious about how such a system would even function, and what it means for someone to qualify as a headmate under such a system. Because I tell you what, it's been almost a year since my son James was born and we're still struggling with the process of going from 2 to 3 in this head. A system size like Ice or Cat/Ranger's systems already seems too large to manage, but in their cases, as with yours, I assume there are things I just don't understand about how systems like that function. If I have the time/energy/presence-of-mind tomorrow I'll try to respond to you in more detail. I just want to say again that I'm very happy you're here again! 😊 I don't blame you for being skeptical! I'd be skeptical too. Hindsight is 20/20, as they say. Re: functioning. Most larger systems have people with either very specific tasks or who are holding very specific things, and then they have a group of more "main" people. With me, I generally had 1 host (deals with daily life), 1-2 co-hosts (out often for various reasons), and then maybe 5-10 others who would appear somewhat frequently for usually very specific tasks. This happened to include video games for me! I played a ton of different games back then, and I generally had a specific person who would appear for that game only. Roles and functions start getting pretty specific as headcount goes up, in my experience and from what I've seen. I also have a very role-focused view after two years of getting increasingly fixated on everyone having a role or a reason to be here. I had this mindset of "don't have a role? I don't need you!" before, and it's something that I haven't been able to shake still. It only affect about 90% of my system now, though, which is progress. I don't remember if I've went into detail about roles and functioning in my system before...? Re: too large to manage. Yep! I have a similar headcount to them now (after 2 years of work). There's two reasons that I find my headcount to large to manage: 1) We're all spaced very far apart 2) I can't "remember" all of us at once The first one is a problem that we thought would fix itself as our headcount shrank. It didn't. It's kind of gotten worse, honestly. Now there's larger gaps between system members in my head, making it harder to keep track of all of them. The divide in my system also doesn't help with this, because my parts are all able to fit into a smaller "area" in my head, making it easier to remember them. The people in my head are generally quieter, farther away, and less connected. So it's harder to keep track of them, and can often make me feel like I still have a high headcount. The second one is mostly tied to that above point about being less connected. It's not that I completely forget they exist, it's that I often don't get reminded of them when talking to other system members because there's no connection there anymore. Before it was like talk to system member A → they're connected to B → they're connected to C → now I'm reminded about 3 members and talk to all of them. Does that make sense? It's hard to explain without making it sound like I actually forget my system members. Something tells me that you could probably connect it to parallel processing, but I'm not sure where the connection is specifically. Anyways. Your responses are very much appreciated! Thanks for your time. Looking forward to your more detailed response if you get around to it, Simmie! (Did you change your profile picture? It looks cool!) Edited April 7, 2024 by Adagio My Progress Report, where I talk a lot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adagio March 13, 2024 Author Share March 13, 2024 (edited) I've now also completely stopped tracking who's fronting, mostly because I feel like if it's important, I can usually tell. And if it's not important then it's not important enough for me to need to know. I can't decide if I'm regressing in my progress, or if this is actually a step forward. So far, it just seems to show that my motivation levels have been dropping. I've been reading old PRs again. I wish I had the same kind of bond many people have with their tulpas, but with my system members. I've considered doing forcing-like activities with my system members, but I'm not a huge fan of treating my system members in a similar way to a tulpa. Nothing against tulpas, it just kind of feels "wrong" because my system members aren't tulpas. It would be beneficial if I could figure out how to treat my system members as more that just people in my head, and start to willingly include them in my life. I have a few system members that sometimes interject themselves into my life, but other than that, most of them have become fairly passive. Not to say they don't care. They've just been overshadowed for a long time, and now with our far smaller headcount, they're suddenly important but don't know what to do about that. I'm not sure if I talk to my system more than the average host of a tulpa system, though. We do talk quite a lot, but it's mostly between me and one other system member who's very involved in our life. Also, I noticed there's 5.3k views on this PR. I apologize to all those people haha. Edited April 7, 2024 by Adagio Took a bunch of stuff out My Progress Report, where I talk a lot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adagio March 17, 2024 Author Share March 17, 2024 (edited) Not sure if anyone else gets this (I think it's more of a disordered system thing), but I have huge drastic shifts in opinions and other things when I switch. Something I don't notice but my system members do (because I'm the outlier with the positive mindset). I personally am also less introspective than the majority of my system as well. It's a bit odd that I'm able to talk so much about my system without actually having much of a deep connection with them. Other things to ramble about: The people in my system are all very "there" and very separate people. Even though a bunch of us are technically just parts and not as fully "there" as some of the other people in my system, we're all a lot more "there" than any of old system members were. This also means that we don't really gain new people now, because the bar is just so high to be an actual person in our system. I'm guessing this is a me problem and not a tulpa system problem. I'd be curious to know how "there" tulpa system walk-ins seem, to compare it with when I get new system members. I never have much progress to report in this PR. It's mostly just me rambling about little things my system has that is interesting to me at the time. I guess I should work on strengthening bonds between my system and I, or maybe something like switching at will. Right now, we switch and I have no idea why or how it works. As always, you're free to give advice. I think there's a lot I can learn from tulpa systems. Edited April 7, 2024 by Adagio Took some minor details out My Progress Report, where I talk a lot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adagio March 18, 2024 Author Share March 18, 2024 (edited) Back to back posts, sorry. What I wanted to talk about is how we switch vs probably how y'all switch. For me, I usually have non-possessive switches, where "I" "become" the part I'm switching to. Hence parts of a whole for my fronters. I still have some amnesia between my parts, though, which is generally my biggest indicator of a switch. I very rarely get possessive switches, which I think is closer to what most people aim for with dissociating and switching like that? I really only have that happen if someone who's generally more of an inside person takes the front. Which almost never happens for me. I'm always fine with answering questions about how I switch, if anyone is curious. I saw this in someone's PR (it was an old one): Internal location. My system members all present in specific spots internally. For me, there's also a sort of depth to it, and there's closer or farther from the front, right, left, center, etc. Generally I "see" everyone internally when they're talking and if I'm paying close enough attention. I'm a terrible person to talk about internal presence and visualization and all that because I am the one of the least connected to our innerworld. Makes me very stable person and terrible system member. Edited April 7, 2024 by Adagio Took some minor details out My Progress Report, where I talk a lot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adagio March 23, 2024 Author Share March 23, 2024 (edited) I'm slowly getting more unhinged with how much I dislike being a system. It's gotten to the point where I'm actively calling myself fake in hopes that I'll wake up and just not be a system. Which is ironic considering that this system has kept me alive for years now. At some point, it started becoming the reason for my stress instead of the escape from my stress, which was around the time I started merging fragments and trying to get a lower headcount. Then being a smaller system became an obsession, and I'm sure you can see the spiral by now. Most of why I hate being a system is because of the amount of sacrifices I've had to make for my system. I feel like I waste so much time caring about something that really shouldn't affect my life this much. I feel like I'm slowly losing my identity to being a system. I don't even know who "I" am anymore. I'm not sure if anything I say makes much sense without context. I talk a lot about my system's issues and random things going on without talking about why it's happening. I'm sorry for the negativity today. Edited April 7, 2024 by Adagio Took some things out My Progress Report, where I talk a lot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adagio March 23, 2024 Author Share March 23, 2024 (edited) Back to back posts once again, sorry. And sorry for being so negative. I wish I knew what other people think about me hating being a system. Like tulpamancy is the opposite of that, and here I am going off about how this is the worst. That being said, it is my reality, and I, obviously, am not a tulpa system. Yup, why even am I here. I made some progress on some private system issues I was having, which is good. I finally got a chance to talk to one of my system members who is not involved in my life at all, and he seems to be slowly opening up to the idea that he too can be part of my life. I have one person who's extremely active and always there, and I feel like that means that my other members tend to think they're stepping on his toes if they try to be part of my life. I'll make sure they know that I want them to be here too. I really struggle to manage my headcount. I know I haven't mentioned it, and I know I'm now far from one of the bigger systems here, but I still wish I had less. Even with having not that many now, it still feels like I have a lot of people because they take up "space" in my head. If that makes sense. And sometimes it feels like there's not enough "space" for all of them. Thanks for having me here. Edited April 7, 2024 by Adagio Took some things out My Progress Report, where I talk a lot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adagio March 26, 2024 Author Share March 26, 2024 (edited) Positive post today, I promise. Honestly, I think this forum has helped me a lot. It's kind of jarring to see how much more positivity people here have around being a system, compared to me in my deep dark hole of depression and negativity around it. I haven't been around other systems for a while now, and I think that reading about different and more positive views is helping me realize that I don't have to just hate this. I've struggled spiraling a lot, which has made it hard for me to focus on the positive things, and seeing the completely different view everyone else has is enlightening, so to speak. Thanks for being a positive influence on me, everyone. I've spent years stuck in this mindset, and I think I'm slowly starting to change it. Being able to talk about system things here has been huge for me. System things: - Oddly enough, I've kind of come to terms with my system's size. That's going to be ironic, soon. But it's progress! - I've been having more doubts about if it's me making up responses or if it's actually my system members responding. While I don't doubt that they exist, I do doubt if sometimes they're talking to me because it's just very faint or feels forced. Really weird that I'm having this problem years after accepting that they exist. - Another thing today that happened is one of them remembered something when I didn't! It doesn't happen very often so it's a bit surreal. Usually, we either all forget or all remember. Very rarely do I forget and someone else remembers. We've been posting a lot. Not sure if I should try to limit this to two posts a week? I write so much though, haha. Would be two very long posts a week! Edited April 7, 2024 by Adagio Took some things out My Progress Report, where I talk a lot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adagio March 28, 2024 Author Share March 28, 2024 (edited) Re: The doubts thing I've been asking my system members "can you say that again?" if I'm not sure that it's them. I also think that the "space" issue is helping solve this because my head feels less crowded, making it easier to tell when it's them talking. New things I've recently been getting more "ideas" for new system members? Like mini walk-ins or something? Our extremely high standard for existence helps counteract this, but it's a really weird problem I'm having. I keep getting thoughts of "ideas" of new people. I'm at the point with my system where we're still trying to become a smaller system, so this is the literal opposite. Brain, stop giving me new people, I have too many already. Any advice? This feels more in the tulpamancy ballpark than most of my other questions. Edited April 7, 2024 by Adagio Took a bunch of stuff out My Progress Report, where I talk a lot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adagio March 30, 2024 Author Share March 30, 2024 (edited) I might delete or edit most of this later (yup, I did) Edited April 7, 2024 by Adagio Deleted almost everything My Progress Report, where I talk a lot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.