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Adagio & Company


Adagio

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Hey everyone.

 

Obviously I'm no longer active here, and this will be my last post. I don't really know what to say, honestly. I'm not going to talk about changes to my system, or anything that's happened since I was last active here.

 

Honestly? If I had the choice, I think I never would have joined this forum, because now this stuff is all out there for anyone to see. I'll just have to make my peace with that. It's a learning point, definitely.

 

I haven't really ever fit into the tulpa community. And that's ok, I fit into other plural communities that people here may not fit into. My views differ a lot from people's here, but I've figured out how to respect that I can't control other people's views or actions, and that there's no point really dwelling on it. Sometimes differences are a good thing.

 

Anyway. Thanks for letting me hang out here for a short time. I appreciate it. Wishing everyone the best! And who knows? Maybe I'll make another appearance again one day.

My Progress Report, where I talk a lot.

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Aw, it's sad to hear that you feel that way! I was always curious about your views on things because they are so different than anyone else here. For what it's worth I don't think you ever said anything that was bad or damaging! I only have good memories of our interactions. Take care, and I wish you all the best in the future!

Tulpa Wife & Mother! 💚 

💍 11.28.21 👶 4.7.23
👗 Simmie's AI Dress-Up!   📷 Phil and Simmie's Photographic Adventures!

 

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  • 1 year later...

This might be a bit of a suprise, but I'm back. Maybe? I haven't really decided.

 

Recently, I've wanted a space where I can talk about my system and talk to other systems who won't judge me. I'm kind of caught in a weird spot in the plural community because I no longer know which side and who I support.

 

I've lurked a couple times to see how things are going and who's still around, so hi to those who remember me. How have you all been? I suppose I'll update this PR at some point if I'm going to be actually back, because I'll have quite a lot to explain. Anyways, hope everyone is having a great day!

My Progress Report, where I talk a lot.

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Oh hey! Welcome back! 😁

 

I'd love to hear updates about your system! I remember being fascinated by it because it's so different than anything I've experienced in this little system of ours. 😊

Tulpa Wife & Mother! 💚 

💍 11.28.21 👶 4.7.23
👗 Simmie's AI Dress-Up!   📷 Phil and Simmie's Photographic Adventures!

 

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On 2/14/2024 at 11:11 AM, TurboSimmie said:

Oh hey! Welcome back! 😁

 

I'd love to hear updates about your system! I remember being fascinated by it because it's so different than anything I've experienced in this little system of ours. 😊

 

Thanks! Nice to see you again.

 

(I've already forgotten how to put the page breaks but imagine one here)

 

I don't know where I'd start with an update, but I guess I'll type and we'll see where this goes. I think first off, the most important thing to note is my language change. I've started getting uncomfortable using we/us, so you'll see that sometimes I use I/me instead. Some things happened that I'm still working through, but recently, I feel a lot of shame around being a system. It's definitely changed my terminology and my view on my system. I'm going to try to use we/us when I feel comfortable, though.

 

I've done a lot of work with my system to change our extremely high headcount to something more manageable. Previously, I had a lot of fragments. It's taken a while but we've slowly managed to accept, heal, and bring together groups of fragments. We now have more fleshed out members and less fragments! There's still work to be done, of course, but I'm proud of how far we've come.

 

Since the last time I posted, my mental health took a dive and I spent a lot of time struggling with a lot of things that I'd rather not talk about. It's worth noting because it both set me back and helped my progress with my system indirectly. Getting through it required a lot of acceptance, which has significantly helped my journey with my system.

 

There's some other stuff that I don't really know if I want to share yet, but, as always, I'm open to questions about my system! I know that my system is quite a bit different than almost everyone else's here.

My Progress Report, where I talk a lot.

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I kind of just feel like rambling. Also, I should probably change this PR and the account's name (is that possible?). I haven't mentioned it yet, but Adagio, as in the tulpa, is kind of... gone, although the funny thing is that I guess fragments of him were still floating around, so I automatically started acting like him when starting this post. We had a lot of merges over the past two years when we discovered a bunch of stuff, and yes, we did lose a lot of people. It was honestly good for us, because it meant that we had gotten over some of our problems (which led to discovering more problems and then it just snowballed). Going off of that, I'd like to note that I still dislike the term "tulpa", mostly because I spent a while hating on the concept of tulpas because I am honestly so jealous of you guys. And then I realized that you're probably one of the more harmless parts of the plural community (have you seen the endo vs anti-endo slapfight? Or all the kids claiming to have DID?). Sorry guys, I just wish my system could be as simple as how y'all's seem to be. That definitely is not one of my prouder moments, but I'm working on it. That's why I'm here, right? Plus, it would be hypocrisy for me to dislike the concept of tulpas after all I've done. That's a story for another time (probably never. I hate telling that story to myself, even).

 

I finally made a Google doc for my system. I've had one before, but it felt like it was too hard to access, so I deleted it. Usually, I have a list of my system and stuff about them in my notes app, but recently it's felt too easy to access. Kind of weird. On the same topic, I also get really stressed when I see lists of my system, because it makes it feel like we're less real. Anyways. Our system is split into three major categories, plus one other that's kind of irrelevant. There's the "parts", which is generally my members who front and switch without control, and who have less of an internal presence (which I use to mark who is a "person" vs a "part", even though I treat both parts and people as separate from myself, just to different degrees). Then there's the "people", the ones who don't front and switch without control, and tend to be the kind of "people in my head". Fully separate people. None of them have a specific role in my system, whereas my "parts" all have a specific function or role. And the third category is what I call mid parts / people. These are those who don't quite fit into either category -- so that's parts without a function or role, and people with a function or role. Or part of a role. Two of my mid parts / people are more on the parts side, and two are more on the people side. It's not always perfectly clear-cut, but this is just how my system seems to separate itself. Have I mentioned I like the terminology "parts"? It makes me feel like one day I'll heal from this. I really dislike being a system, but I know I would never be able to live without it.

 

I'm trying to move away from forcing roles and other terminology onto my system members. So I only have roles listed for those with clear roles, like host or co-host (I know that host and co-host don't really make sense as separate roles, but that's how I was taught it). Another thing about terminology is that I don't saying "alters" or "headmates" anymore. I prefer saying "members", "people", or "parts". Although, I call the members who are "parts" in my system as people sometimes, and I call members who are "parts" as "my parts" even though they're separate. Just my preference, even if it's weird. I edited a bunch of my uses of parts and people to try to stay consistent here even though it would make perfect sense for me to call member who are "parts" as just parts, but I get that it would get confusing because you can have parts of yourself. I don't really have that, it's more like fragments of myself. If it gets confusing, just think of everyone as a system member.

 

Anyways! Back to roles. I don't think most tulpa systems have roles, but it's a holdover from my time around people who basically were all about roles that I still use role terms, even though I think it's dumb a restraining. I use the terms loosely, with the understanding that it's just a description of why they're here and not necessarily what they are now. At some point, I'd like to fully move away from that and let the parts of my system become equal to the people in my system, but that seems years away for me. Until I stop panicking when I see lists of my system members, I doubt I'll get anywhere.

 

Because we talked about this at some point, I'll mention now that I don't have a wonderland / innerworld / headspace, whatever it is called. I have the void in my mind that does not, in my opinion, qualify as any of those terms. I could probably make an innerworld, but then I'd have to pay way more attention to my system, and that's just so much work. I'm sure someone is reading this horrified at the idea that I don't pay attention to my system and don't care about them, but it's not like they go away. I live with this no matter what I do, and I'm just still not at the point where I've accepted it and am able to see being a system as something positive. I wish I could. A lot of our best system memories are from back when we were happy with being a system, but it turned into a curse around two years ago, and I've yet to get back to it being positive thing. I have no idea how you all can see your systems as positive things, but I guess our experiences are very, very different. And that's why I'm jealous of you all, haha...

 

I hate to paint the picture of my system being the worst thing in the entire world. It often feels that way, but I also have tons of positive moments. We joke around sometimes, the smart people help me when I'm stuck with my work, and I'd give up the world before I gave up any of that. It just also happens that this is a huge negative thing for me because of how much it affects my life in a bad way. I should probably cherish the good times, and remind myself that they're here because I need them and, at some point, did care about them.

 

So why talk about all that? I have no idea. I kind of feel desperate all the time when thinking about my system. I guess I want to share my experiences because I have no other place to talk about this at. I've been reading some other PRs (it's a hobby of mine for some reason) by systems who weren't fully tulpa systems, or larger systems, and I kind of wish I would document my system experiences like the way they do. I'm just so scared to share stuff about my system now. I also kind of swing between caring about being a system and ignoring that it exists. For that reason, I'd prefer if you don't quote large sections of my posts, in case I get paranoid and want to take parts out, like what we did like a year ago. I'm still ok with answering questions about my system, so don't let that scare you off if you're curious about anything. I get that people like me are a bit rarer here, and it forces me to actually think about my system.

 

I think I rambled a bit too much. Time to post this and hope I don't regret it!

 

- J

My Progress Report, where I talk a lot.

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17 hours ago, Adagio said:

Also, I should probably change this PR and the account's name (is that possible?

 

Just post in "talk to staff"

 

 

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On 2/25/2024 at 8:54 AM, Ashley said:

 

Just post in "talk to staff"

 

 

Thanks Ashley!

 

It's March now, which means I want to set a goal for this month. And that goal is to at least talk to my system every day. I really wish I could remember how to talk to them and be happy about it. What do you talk about with your tulpas? I don't have too many members anymore, but there's enough of us that it will take a while to fully talk to everyone. There's also the issue of contacting system members that I personally don't often see internally. Our host generally doesn't have an internal presence. I split the front with him most of the time, because he's very focused on anything but the system, and I'm more focused on the system. It's usually fairly hard to contact him unless I'm co-fronting with him, which happens often but we don't talk to each other. It's more like we blend slightly and know we're both there, but don't directly talk to each other.

 

We used to have amazing system communication. I think part of it was just being a smaller system in general. It might sound weird, but before the very large number we had (I will elaborate more in another post soon), we had only three people, and the system was our entire world. We spent a lot of our spare time talking to each other because being a system was a positive thing, a distraction from the world. I don't really remember much of that because I wasn't around back then, but a few of our members were. It was the nice happy time before the storm. We've fallen out of touch with each other. Part of it is that we have more trauma-affected people now, and it's kind of painful to talk to them and see that they're hurting but be unable to do anything. It's led to blanking out when the system gets too much, and then ignoring them. I want to say that we've been getting better, but it's pretty subjective on who's talking. I might just make it my goal to talk to all my very internal people who I'm really out of touch with. If anyone has any tips for talking to system members, that would be greatly appreciated! For me, it's partially motivation-based. On good days, I'll be ok with talking to them. On bad days, I just shut down.

 

Also a little added note, I had a dream about one of my system members last night. I don't remember most of it, but at one point I was calling his name and then I used a nickname and he got kind of upset and closed off. I haven't gotten the chance to ask him about it because he doesn't seem to be "there" today. In his place, I can sense one of our other members who he's similar to. I've never really had to deal with people disappearing on me like that, but I think some of you could relate? Surprisingly, it's not stressing me out that much, so I guess I'll leave it and talk to the others and see what they know (although I'm pretty sure I know what happened).

 

Expect another post soon. I was reading a very interesting discussion about large systems that I wanted to ramble about, but I can't find it anymore. I hope you guys are fine with putting up with all my talking. Is it weird how much I write that's not even tulpa-related?

 

Have a great day/night!

- J (I just realized that using letters for each of us falls apart immediately when five of us have names starting with an A)

 

My Progress Report, where I talk a lot.

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It's me again, here to ramble again. Do people look forward to my posts?  I think all my posts are depressing.

 

I found the post. It's about thoughts on larger systems btw.

 

Quote

(This is a quote from Ice909) ... Imo, if your system has over 30-40 headmates, 90% of them either barely qualify as anything resembling a headmate, or you have undiagnosed DID. Or both. ... I personally don't see how a system could get that large, and our system has about 18 people. Most headmates I figure would be little more than a name and a form that maybe fronted once or twice, never to be seen again. That's not really a tulpa, now is it? ... When systems say their numbers are in the thousands, that to me sounds like they're either lying or delusional. Or, again, they have undiagnosed DID. All the same, I can't imagine it being practical at all.

 

Now, as someone who had claimed to have a headcount of one thousand, I definitely agree with this. "90% of them either barely qualify as anything resembling a headmate" was very applicable to me. According to all known records I have about my system's headcount in 2021 (now THAT was a time), I most likely had 500 people who had enough presence that I counted them as a system member, plus whatever number of fragments. These days... yeah no they would not count. Of those 500, I think I had maybe 30 who were active. Most of them kind of just... were there and I saw them once, put their name down, and didn't see them very often after that. Or ever again. What's really funny is that if that happened now, I would probably take them off my system list within a day if I don't see them. My system had a lot of trouble accepting me, for example, and I think I spent the better part of of a year being added and removed from our system list. Only recently have we left me on the list for an extended amount of time (yay!). So yes. I do agree that most of them didn't really qualify as a system member, but back then I was VERY influenced by the plural community. I don't know if anyone here is in any major Discord plural spaces but... it's a hellhole there. And it's very, VERY normal to have a high headcount and count anything and everything as a headmate. I'm not going to talk about fakers and all that, but I will say that some of those people there were likely lying or delusional, like Ice909 says about systems with numbers in the thousands, and a lot of people did it for attention. There was this whole validity thing as well, but that's a longer story that's unrelated. I've seen people refer to some of those spaces as "cult-like", and that's... pretty accurate, unfortunately. Suffice to say that the tulpa community is the one and only side of the plural community I want to be in now.

 

So now the big question, was I lying or delusional? I don't really know. Looking back, I'd say that I was really swept up in getting validity from others and fitting in with people there. That probably factored into my saying that I had a headcount of 1000. I now think that's it's possible I did have a very high amount of fragments and people I had seen once, but by all standards, I might've only had a much smaller amount of actual people. Which I then discovered a year later when I did a lot of merging and my system size quite literally would drop overnight. THAT BEING SAID. I now know that a lot of what my high headcount was trying to hide were the real issues I had, so I suppose it was a coping technique that was scarily effective for me at the time. These days, it's much more obvious that my system is actually disordered at heart and it's not all fun and games.

 

Anyways. The thread there goes on to talk about how a small headcount is more ideal, and how even systems of just under 20 have usually only a few members active at any time. For me, I experience probably around 12 of my system members being active at once. And that's a bit misleading because that really means about 5 who are more internal-only ("people"), and usually only 1-2 fronters ("parts") at a time, but all my parts are active in some way.

 

I know we've said this before, but ESPECIALLY for this post, try not to quote the whole thing if you're going to quote anything from it. I'd rather be able to delete parts of it. It is nice to get this off my chest, even if it's a bit embarrassing to admit. Little steps! I consider this part of my journey, and that's ok.

 

For a short update on everything my system:

- No, I did not talk to my system members every day so far. Maaaaybe we'll go for a once a week talk to everyone instead?

- I personally have become more active in our system. Don't know if that's good or bad.

- I'm SO CLOSE to a breakthrough about something system-related but some of us aren't ready for it yet, I guess.

- How do you help system members when they're feeling sad/down? One day I'll figure this out.

 

See y'all next time! Thanks for putting up with me.

- A

 

My Progress Report, where I talk a lot.

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I've always suspected there's kind of a macho among plural folks pertaining to how large their system is. Sort of like among some folks how much weight they can lift or how many bedrooms their house is or their income. 

 

We're at two right now and neither of us has any desire for anyone else to move in here with us.

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