Adagio & Company

[Adagio]

[Irrelevant because I deleted the context from the last post]

Edited April 7, 2024 by Adagio

[Adagio]

I've noticed something in the tulpa community is that you often can control your walk-ins, and you kind of get to control your system's size. Do you ever have people just decide they want to leave or stop existing? I have someone who no longer wishes to exist. I'd miss him if he was gone, and I don't really know what to do.

Edited April 7, 2024 by Adagio
Deleted a bunch of stuff

[Adagio]

[Irrelevant now]

 

Hopefully more positive updates in the future! I'll try to keep them closer to tulpa-like stuff from now on.

Edited April 7, 2024 by Adagio
Deleted most of it

[Adagio]

If you haven't noticed yet, I deleted a LOT of stuff. Most of it seems pretty irrelevant to this forum. Obviously, I'm irrelevant to the forum. I don't even have tulpas or have an interest in making a tulpa like most people here are. Most of what I have been talking about it related to a side of my system that no one here likely understands. So I just deleted most of it. Now the question is if I want to keep this progress report and refocus it towards the part of my system that's more like tulpa system.

 

Either way, I guess I will be hanging around here. I still don't know how I feel about this forum. As much as I like being able to talk about my system, I don't like talking about it too specifically. I still struggle to accept that my system can be this way and that it's ok, after years of having the opposite mindset.

 

I think my original idea for coming back to this PR was to be more comfortable talking about my system. I genuinely don't think that will ever happen. Are people interested in reading about my system? I don't know.

[ringgggg]

I feel comfortable reading your progress report, the question is if you are. It’s far from bad, just think less about it and let your thoughts flow naturally.

[Adagio]

I don't know. It's not about the quality, honestly. I just feel like everything I talk about is irrelevant and not real. Both times I've gone through and deleted stuff, it was right after a host change, and the more recent one also involved a major change to my system. Which is why I feel like this PR makes no sense because how I was at the start of this PR is so drastically different from how I am now. Kind of makes me feel fake, like this is just for attention. Past me would never believe present me, and present me does not believe past me. I get extremely big changes in opinions and views after host changes, if you can't tell. Plus, previous posters on this account were always so enthusiastic and happy. I don't fit in with that.

 

I guess I'll just write and try not to think about it. I know I don't fit in here.

 

It seems that I've "frozen" two of my system members. This is giving my other system members more space, because they were starting to blend together. I've been really talking to my most vocal system member (I need a better term for "system member") about what to do with those frozen two, but I just feel so indecisive. I doubt it is my decision in the end. I have very little control over my system. I'm just along for the ride.

 

Had a breakdown last night and asked everyone in my head to shut up, and suddenly it was really quiet. I've never had it ever be that quiet. I felt so alone, even though I knew they were watching. It was peaceful.

[Adagio]

Two posts in one day, but this is what happens when you spend a lot of time reading old PRs.

 

I've not doubted my system in YEARS, but here I am, doubting they exist. Well, it's more like I know they're real, they just seem not quite as real as they used to be. My most vocal system member (I really should introduce him at some point. He says no, haha) has recently had some voice problems. We think it's because he's in an awkward spot in the "space" in my head, where he's starting to blend with me. It makes me sometimes feel like I'm forcing his responses out or like he's trying to take control, almost, and when that happens, his voice sounds off. I've known him for years, and I've never had this problem with him before. He doesn't think much of it - another system member says it's just me and that they can hear him just fine. Just curious if anyone has any ideas for this. The problem is that I don't "remember" his voice (host changes + some amnesia are a terrible combo), despite having heard him for years. So it's a bit of an awkward problem. I've also had trouble "seeing" him in my mind more. It's a bit like my connection to my internal world is being cut off.

 

I've been getting headaches recently, and I don't know why, but it's not dehydration or any of that. A bit worrying, I think it's perhaps system-related. Worth noting here.

[Adagio]

I keep getting echoes of an old system member I used to have. I was looking at something earlier, and I heard "oh cool!", but when I reached out to see if she was there, it felt blank, as if she was just a 2D person. She's like an echo, now, but is still reactive. I was thinking about my name, and then she said it, but that was it. Nothing else, no feel that would indicate she's here. I wonder if that means she's gone or if she is still able to come back.

 

Today, I talked a bunch with my most vocal system member, who I am going to call CV for this PR, if I remember (Hey, remind me to call you CV. "No." And then he said, "I'm going to forget." and also "I hate this idea." It was the best we could come up with, though. "I'm ok with CV." Guess it's fine with him, then). He and I are essentially the only two who care about our life. My other two main system members don't say much or do much. I know that one of them wants to be involved, but he's generally pretty quiet, and I've taken to only focusing on CV for now. The other one is too smart very uninterested in my life. I'm going to somewhat ignore them for now, just until the doubts problem goes away, because CV was a big part of making me believe in my system the first time.

 

I hope that, over time, I'll be able to share more about my system members here, and let them talk and write their own posts. I think part of it comes down to is being recognized because of past things I've said here. I'm very paranoid someone will be able to trace me here from system spaces I used to be in. I am going to try my best to not delete things this time, because I've gotta work on the paranoia thing. ("Things systems don't help with.") Yep.

(I might delete this paragraph...)

[Adagio]

Now that I'm thinking about it, is it possible to just delete this PR? I kind of want to start over and make a new one. Just for my peace of mind.

 

Edit: Maybe I should make a new account too, lol.

Edited April 13, 2024 by Adagio

[TurboSimmie]

Oh honey, I was just thinking that I needed to catch up on it! I've been meaning to reply to you for a while but haven't been able to find the time / frame of mind.