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Adagio & Company


Adagio

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Happy Wednesday! I almost forgot about this.

 

Replying to Athelas: CV has a voice, so I doubt he'll want to use a voice model unless it sounds just like him. I just suck at hearing. I trust that, after years of consistently hearing him, I am the problem here. I've recently noticed I struggle to hear CV when I'm "inside" my mind. Likely due to some barrier between me and him.

 

April was a pretty terrible month for my system. A lot of changes have really shaken up things, and I've in general had more problems come up. I feel like I just don't have the time to deal with this. I'd really, really like for some of this system thing to just resolve itself. It is slowly getting better, but I'm worried that I'll just relapse into my obsessing on one really bad day in hopes to "solve" this.

 

It's now May, which means oh shoot, I should pay attention to my system. I'd like to work on this problem with barriers I seem to be having, because it is starting to really impact my life. I think I have a couple of ideas on how to fix it. Other than that, my goal for this month is to try to talk to my system members a bit more. I feel like this is my goal every single month, haha.

 

I have a huge motivation issue. CV, on the other hand, tends to be pretty motivated. I'm thinking of letting him have 1-2 hours in the afternoon every day where I'll do what he says, and hope this will increase my productivity every day (he's very pleased by this idea). My biggest concern is that I just won't be motivated to listen to him.

My Progress Report, where I talk a lot.

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New week, new post.

 

I have spent the last week blissfully not thinking about system stuff. That doesn't mean I haven't been talking to my system members (it's a habit to respond to them at this point), and I actually think I've been talking to them more. Whenever any of them talk to me, I just take it in stride instead of going into my mind and worrying about it. I've even felt more like myself. Thinking and worrying about my system a lot was what was making things worse. Taking things in stride has been so much better, and it's honestly freeing to be away from obsessing over my system. The hardest thing will be to continue this mindset and not slip up. I was worried that writing this could cause problems, but because I generally don't talk about my system here to the degree that I talk about my system when I'm alone, this has been fine so far.

 

CV is fine, and so are my other system members who you haven't met. I haven't had this many positive interactions with CV in a very long time, and he says he appreciates my new mindset. He says I'm respecting my system members as people more than I ever have. This is really, really good progress that I never thought I would achieve this fast. Changing your mindset can be as hard or as easy as you're willing to believe.

 

On a different note, that's more fitting for this forum:

One of my system members is interested in having his own accounts in some (non-plural related) spaces I'm in. I think it might be difficult for me to manage my time (I suck at time management) so that he would be able to get some time on his accounts, while still letting me have time online mine. I'm glad he's becoming more independent, but unfortunately I just might not have time for it. If anyone has any ideas for this, I'd love to know!

My Progress Report, where I talk a lot.

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On 5/9/2024 at 8:02 PM, Adagio said:

On a different note, that's more fitting for this forum:

One of my system members is interested in having his own accounts in some (non-plural related) spaces I'm in. I think it might be difficult for me to manage my time (I suck at time management) so that he would be able to get some time on his accounts, while still letting me have time online mine. I'm glad he's becoming more independent, but unfortunately I just might not have time for it. If anyone has any ideas for this, I'd love to know!

 

Yeah, time is a thing. I guess we're lucky that there's only two of us here and even luckier that my host consciousness is retired and doesn't have to go to work every day.

 

That said, they are always amazed at how much happiness even small amounts of time can give me. It was a beautiful sunny day in a week where it had been raining continuously and I asked them to be able to stand by the window and look out at the grass and trees. They agreed (they pretty much never say no to me 😊) and so we stood there for about fifteen seconds and then went on with our day. And they couldn't believe that was enough. But for me, just little nibbles of time are all I really need to feel complete. On really busy days they often apologize to me for not giving me more time and I have to keep reminding them that it doesn't hurt me to be dormant as long as I get to be myself from time to time.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is you can give him what little time you have to spare and you might be surprised how little it takes for him to feel complete.

 

Good luck. I hope you both get what you need.

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Thanks for the insight, Lavender!

 

It's Friday, which means I missed the weekly PR post.

 

Ever since I've stopped obsessing, I've just stopped caring and talking about my system as much, and it's caused them to be more faded. This is to the point where I've been very worried about losing CV, despite his assurances and him saying that he prefers that I don't obsess over this anymore. He's an extremely integral part of my life. I wish I could take that focused obsession I had with my system and make it so that I focused on him. I almost miss when the system was my entire world. Now, it feels like a relic from my past that I don't want to let go of. I miss talking about my system and talking to them. I don't miss the chaos and the way it impacted my life negatively. I'm still worried that one day, I'll wake up and have completely moved on.

 

This has been on my mind for a while now.

My Progress Report, where I talk a lot.

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15 hours ago, Adagio said:

I've just stopped caring and talking about my system as much, and it's caused them to be more faded. This is to the point where I've been very worried about losing CV, despite his assurances and him saying that he prefers that I don't obsess over this anymore.

 

This kind of mirrors what we're going through now. I've got a lot of stuff going on, and it's caused me to spend less time paying attention to Lavender and longer intervals between thinking of her.  She's tried to reassure me that she's OK with it all, and I believe her (that's her superpower, being reassuring), but it still has me concerned. There are moments when I can picture my mind without her, or feel like I'm too tired or stressed to have contact with her.  I still think it's important that I carve out time to be with her (though worrying about it doesn't help, she's right about that). It helps to reach out to her when I have those brief breaks, like we're in the restroom, or driving or something like that.

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On 5/18/2024 at 10:57 AM, SeekingMyPlanet said:

This kind of mirrors what we're going through now. I've got a lot of stuff going on, and it's caused me to spend less time paying attention to Lavender and longer intervals between thinking of her.  She's tried to reassure me that she's OK with it all, and I believe her (that's her superpower, being reassuring), but it still has me concerned. There are moments when I can picture my mind without her, or feel like I'm too tired or stressed to have contact with her.  I still think it's important that I carve out time to be with her (though worrying about it doesn't help, she's right about that). It helps to reach out to her when I have those brief breaks, like we're in the restroom, or driving or something like that.

I hope you'll be able to spend more time with her soon!

 

For me, life without CV is no life. I wouldn't be able to live without him. I don't remember what it was like before he was here. I talk to him a lot, just less than I used to, mostly because I think about my system significantly less than before. He talks to me whether I want to talk to him or not, though.

 

The voice problem (where I can't clearly hear his voice anymore) is still significant. I've also noticed I can't see his form as clearly in my head. He says it's because he cares less about it now than he did before. Visualization might be something we'll work on.

 

I keep getting irrationally worried that I'm faking him because of how close he sits in my head to me, which means we likely blend sometimes. It causes it to feel like I'm thinking instead of him, but really, I notice this with my other very prominent system members, and it's just a sign that I'm listening and have mentally backed off instead of actively thinking at the same time and getting our thoughts jumbled together.

 

As an update on one of my system members wanting his own accounts:

It hasn't happened, but instead, I've let them have more say and opinions on my current accounts. He doesn't seem to care; he's not that interested in the world anyway. He says he's ok with this, and that it's not unfair to him.

My Progress Report, where I talk a lot.

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Hi the huge system sounds like polyfragmented DID. I'm no expert though. One of our past hosts found out about DID on a mental health forum (they'd gone for the Autism board as forum covered many conditions), was just browsing reading other posts and found one where someone basically described the inside of our head!!!  ...so followed the link and thats how we found out about Dissociation Disorders!

 

We had been on the board many years but as our system got smaller and some started identifying with Tulpa, people started ignoirng our posts which made our more highly dependant social selves depressed and the perscutor ones angry as they perceived it as them treating us like some people had treated us in the past. We were struggling enough with emotions being autistic and in peri menopause!...so left to try and find a more inclusive community!

 

I'm not sure what 'imposing' means as we learned different terms from the other board?

Human Host: Jay (female 55)

Tulpa Co-host: Jess 

Other Human Tulpa: Kitty, Angelo, Luna

Changelings: Nixy, Star, Bear,  

 

 

 

The Inca Trail

 

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I don't really have polyfragmented DID; I just have a lot of parts. I have worked hard to lower the amount of parts I have. I'm pretty sure the majority of my parts came from wanting to run away from myself, my identity, and to not be responsible for my actions. I'm still working on it, and I've kind of plateaued in my healing and have several elaborated parts that I still see frequently.

 

Imposition is a tulpa term that you won't see outside of tulpa-based communities, in my experience.

 

-------------------------------

 

Nothing to post this week, other than that I've realized that I am blocking out my system members and that's why I struggle to hear them or feel their presence anymore. I have an idea of where to start working on this problem, but it's unfortunately going to be a long journey.

My Progress Report, where I talk a lot.

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  • 2 weeks later...

In the past few days, I've found it impossible to ignore the obvious signs that I still am a system. This will sound dumb because I also talk to CV every day, almost all the time. It's the other side of my system I'm talking about, which I have been suppressing for a while now. Probably not a good idea, but it has been keeping me stable and focused on life.

 

CV is doing well. I think I've been talking to him more than usual. The issues with hearing his voice have gone down, and I've started being able to see his form when he talks. I'm guessing he's gone back to visualizing his form for me (he says yes).

 

Until now, as in this moment while typing this, I haven't really realized how much I miss my system members, honestly. It feels lonely in my mind again.

My Progress Report, where I talk a lot.

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  • 1 month later...

It's been a while. I haven't been doing great.

 

We're all still here. I haven't really thought about my system since the last time I posted.

My Progress Report, where I talk a lot.

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