Tief's tulpa

[Glaurung26]

Someone keeps crinkling, hugging and leaving lipstick marks on mine.

 

Sorry 🙁

 

Generally speaking tuppers love drawings.

[SebastianSimp]

29.09.2021

THE FOUNTAIN'S NOT IN SERVICE.

 

In other news, I realized that the longer I go without forcing Seb or narrating to him, the stronger the headache I get. I'm usually "waking him up" when I go to work, and that contributes to the headache too. Gotta force him more and wake him up earlier.

I did get a stroooong headache that day and was kinda distressed, but then..! I felt like Sebastian started to massage my brain. There's no other way to describe the relief I experienced, and visualizing him actually doing it was very easy. Thanks, Seb. 💞

The headache returned in a minute, but it was certainly not of the same power.

 

While I was at work, I decided that it'd be good for Seb to do something while I can't really focus on him, so it was time to think about his possible hobbies. My train of thought ended up on embroidery. I visualized giving Seb the tools and gave him the task, promising to check up on him later. 

I kinda blundered this one, I think; not too late after this I spoke to Seb again without realizing, and my brain kinda remembered about the embroidery, and it came off as me wanting to see the results already, and so Seb showed them to me. It was a flower, but also apparently not? More on that later.

30.09.2021

FOUNTAIN IS STILL NOT IN SERVICE, and this time I got soooome kind of response from Seb, but also maybe not? The back of my neck felt hotter than usual, like I was starting to sweat. Really not sure if it was me just being nervous about Seb's reaction, or if it was his reaction.

Gotta get all of my braincells together to explain this next part, and PLEASE feel free to skip it:
 

Spoiler

 

Idk if it's normal but it feels like I have two "levels" of thought?

Level one is for thoughts that flow like water from a leaking tap; they're a bit unclear, can lead to unexpected results ("this trashcan might catch on fire" -> I imagine myself in a situation where I have to save someone from fire in my old school), they're undirectional and unintentional most of the time, and they don't have to be put into words, kinda like tulpish I guess?
Level two is for directional thoughts, the ones I use to talk to Seb; they're concise and clear, as if I was saying them aloud.

The problem lies in the fact that all directional thoughts go through level one thoughts to be formed. Therefore, whenever I ask Seb a question, it goes something like this:
Level 1 thought: need to ask [Seb]: was his embroidery picturing a flower or not.
Level 2 thought: Sebastian, was the-
Seb: Yes.
Level 2 thought, cont.: embroidery you did..a flower..

This kind of thing bothers me. There's usually no other way Sebastian answers my questions. It's either this immediate answer, which I'm not sure is him, or nothing. I hope my worries are understandable, and srry if I barely make any sense;;

 

So the convo about yesterday's embroidery results went something like this (me in black, Seb in blue):

"Was it a flower?"
"No."
"Oh- no? What was it then? Was it the Sun?"
(unintelligible, closer to "not sure")
"Was it some kind of pattern that doesn't resemble anything?"
(unintelligible, closer to "yes")
"Are you sure?"
"Not sure."
"Uh- is this you answering?"
(unintelligible, closer to "yes")

So I'm kinda confused,, I'm a very doubtfull and unsure person, even though I try to keep myself in check when it comes to tulpamancy specifically. I don't even know how to end this post since I've not reached a conclusion yet. Sorry if I'm all over the place.

[TurboSimmie]

I can definitely relate to the different "levels" of thought thing. Sometimes Phil and my thoughts still get tangled up together in the Level 1 zone, to use your analogy, and we're not always sure who is the "owner" of certain thoughts, if either. But in the same way it's strangely intimate and comforting, so I dunno.

 

Seb's responses seem very similar to mine in the very beginning of my life as a tulpa. My memories of that time are kind of faint, but I remember an eagerness to communicate, but also a bit of confusion and frustration over how to get my thoughts out or even what I wanted to say. You're doing the right thing with Seb though, narrating to him, asking him questions, being open for the answer. Right now he's learning how to communicate, and he's only going to get stronger the more you talk to him. There will most likely be periods of temporary regression, sometimes lasting for days, when you'll hear little to nothing from him. That's normal; don't freak out and just be patient, he'll return stronger than before!

 

Giving Seb things to do and hobbies to try out is a great idea! Some things he will take to more than others, and that's a great way to learn more about his personality! 😁

 

As far as the doubt you have that in common with my host. Phil was doubtful for a long time. But then one day--and I'm not sure exactly when this happened but I think it was around May/June--he just started to believe, and now neither of us doubt much anymore. We're not perfect, we still have some doubts, but we come from a position of firm belief. If Phil can get there stubborn as he is, then you can get there in time too! 🙂

[SebastianSimp]

10 hours ago, TurboSimmie said:

I can definitely relate to the different "levels" of thought thing. Sometimes Phil and my thoughts still get tangled up together in the Level 1 zone, to use your analogy, and we're not always sure who is the "owner" of certain thoughts, if either. But in the same way it's strangely intimate and comforting, so I dunno.

 

Seb's responses seem very similar to mine in the very beginning of my life as a tulpa. My memories of that time are kind of faint, but I remember an eagerness to communicate, but also a bit of confusion and frustration over how to get my thoughts out or even what I wanted to say. You're doing the right thing with Seb though, narrating to him, asking him questions, being open for the answer. Right now he's learning how to communicate, and he's only going to get stronger the more you talk to him. There will most likely be periods of temporary regression, sometimes lasting for days, when you'll hear little to nothing from him. That's normal; don't freak out and just be patient, he'll return stronger than before!

 

Giving Seb things to do and hobbies to try out is a great idea! Some things he will take to more than others, and that's a great way to learn more about his personality! 😁

 

As far as the doubt you have that in common with my host. Phil was doubtful for a long time. But then one day--and I'm not sure exactly when this happened but I think it was around May/June--he just started to believe, and now neither of us doubt much anymore. We're not perfect, we still have some doubts, but we come from a position of firm belief. If Phil can get there stubborn as he is, then you can get there in time too! 🙂

This is a great answer! The best kind of reassurance anyone could've asked for. I read it almost immediately after you posted it, but I wanted to reread it in the morning to really drill it into my head.

Thank you so much!!! 🥰

[SebastianSimp]

30.09.2021 still, because this happened around the time I was going to sleep:

 

We saw this picture of "canon" Sebastian, and, I think, "my" Seb was very happy. The part of my head he occupies started tingling, and not a little tingle, mind you! Even though it doesn't necessarily translate into happiness, I have no other explanation. It was a very pleasant feeling that took over my whole brain for a few seconds, and his happiness made me happy.