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Glow in the Dark Stargazing: Mordecai and Slipper


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(edited)

   Hello! Uhm... feels a bit weird to be doing this. So, we've basically always wanted to start a progress report since the day we first joined Tulpa.info. However, by the time we joined Mordecai was already a year old and we didn't really have "progress" to speak of. We also aren't the greatest conversationalists (mainly me, I struggle to hold conversations a lot) so it's difficult for us to do something like this, where we're basically just talking about nonsense for large lengths of time. However, we both very much enjoy talking about tulpamancy, hearing from other people, and writing in our super old diary. So, we figured a progress report would be a great place to combine all three of those things into one place. Hopefully all that is enough to fill up a few paragraphs every couple of weeks. Should be. God I hope we aren't that boring.

 

   I suppose I should list a few interesting or important details for context, or things that you may otherwise find interesting or would like to ask about:

 

 

   Us in General:

  • We are in our early 20's, from rural America
  • We draw, animate, write... although not very well. Aside from here, only a few things we've made in the past 5 years has left our sketchbooks or hard drive
  • We ran a blog on Tumblr for a few years where we theorized and tried to explain different aspects of tulpamancy

 

   About Slipper (host):

  • There is very little interesting about me, aside from individual funny anecdotes
  • I've been experiencing thoughtforms for... nearly a decade now, however they wouldn't last very long. They were always characters I was obsessed with from media I enjoyed, as I have a very bad habit of daydreaming more than most people. I thought it was DID when I was little, but after a few years found out about tulpas and it explained everything much better. When Mordecai showed up, I was very dedicated in making sure he didn't end up fading like the others. It took a long time, but we eventually got him stable.

 

   About Mordecai (tulpa):

  • Mordecai's birthday is December 16th, 2015. He's about 6 1/2 years old as of right now
  • As explained earlier, most of the characters I interacted with were from media I was obsessed over. Mordecai started as Sans from Undertale, before opting to change his appearance into something more neutral/original

 

 

   Feel free to ask or bring up any kind of related topic to our posts. We really love to talk and discuss things.

 

   -----

 

   Okay so a few days ago we were looking up some old YouTube videos from a particular member of the community who was banned for their work with hypnosis and cults. Mordecai and I felt very interested in how this person ended up because they were a pretty big inspiration in us making our Tumblr blog a few years ago, and this person had actually messaged us about doing a collab shortly before they were banned from multiple tulpa communities. At the time, there was a lot of discussion about the safety of their guided meditation videos, however many said that all of the harmful stuff was hidden away and not available to the public. After finding a link to their archive, I found this wasn't the exact case. A lot of the allegations of there being manipulation in some of the meditations was true, however... the method of this was... a bit silly.  For example, the meditation would be several paragraphs of a relaxing, self-actualization-type script, while halfway through it would switch to something about "serving the master", aka the banned individual. 

 

   Mordecai found this entertainingly bizarre, if not a bit disturbing. He brought up how strange it was that a person who spent so much time trying to prove the independence of their tulpa would turn around and also make scripts for making their tulpa more subservient to them. Makes you wonder what caused them to change their opinion so much. 

 

   We've never been very fond of guided mediation, in fact we meditate very little to begin with. But, we've both been very curious as to how effective something like that would be. Wouldn't you notice the script suddenly shifting into something completely different than you intended on listening to? Or are other's meditation so deep, they can't even notice it? How dangerous would these "hidden messages" be?

 

   Other than that, nothing else is coming to mind at the moment. We're just kind of chilling and between interests at the moment. Also, Mordecai has been complaining about how he can tell my jokes are coming before I say them. Apparently it takes up to 30 seconds from the start of the joke for me to finish it sometimes. All I can say is, sucks to be him.

Edited by Slipper

Slipper (cringelord host) and Mordecai (the brain gremlin).

 

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   Recently I was looking back at our super old art thread and all the commissions we've done over the years. Part of me is really happy that I've been able to contribute to the community and have given people something to look forward to, but it also makes me sad seeing how many of them left the forums altogether. It's very disheartening spending time to make people feel included in something as potentially isolating as tulpamancy, only for them to leave days afterwards. That being said, I never plan to completely stop doing it. Getting personalized things like art or notes are my favorite type of gift, so what better way of showing my love to the community than that?

 

   Anyways, it made me think more about what makes a "successful" tulpamancer. Obviously, that is a very broad statement, but in this context I basically mean someone who continues to believe in tulpamancy. I read some discussion about tulpas based on fictional characters and, while I do agree that lots of people come to tulpamancy to fixate on their favorite characters and leave when they lose interest in the character, there is also the added benefit of having another incentive to focus on their tulpa. There are plenty of long lasting members of the community with characters rooted in pre-existing media. Is it the age when someone starts? That's hard to tell too, as people understandably want to keep their anonymity for something like this. Is it from societal factors? Same issue as the previous.

 

   I think it would be very interesting to create a questionnaire that would be redone after a years time, just to see if there's any correlation between those who succeed and those who move on. I'm honestly not sure what could be the cause, besides the host's attention being moved outward and them losing interest. I mean, ultimately, that's what causes tulpamancers to fail, right? Loss of interest? 

 

   Mordecai, even though he's generally laid back and pretty comfortable, admits that sometimes he gets nervous at the idea of me just losing interest in him. I'll just let him speak on the subject:

 

   Mordecai:

 

   "I'm well developed enough to not really NEED attention anymore. At this point, it's not so much a fear of not existing that I'm worried about, it's the loss of self. We've gone long periods of time without separating, and in my earlier days found it very difficult to convince myself it was worth it to BE separated in the first place. It was just easier, comfier, to not spend energy keeping myself separate. Standing on the outside of those times, it seems insane that there was a point I was willing to sacrifice my entire self out of convenience. I worry that I've lost pieces of me because of that. What is even the fear here? What am I losing? I don't remember. We're constantly losing memories, that's not special. My personal character quirks? My personality? I don't know. There's just a strange part of me that fears the loss of me, even when I know I'm not going to die without my host dying as well. It's a bit therapeutic to say this publicly, even if I know it's not something that has a solution."

 

   I've taken greater care in checking in to make sure our thoughts are separate, even when it annoys him. It's better to be safe than to start heading down that path again. Still, it sucks that it's not a fear I can help him get completely rid of. I just hope I can get those experiences far enough in the past that they seem less threatening.

 

   Based on what we've wrote, you'd think we're horribly depressed, haha. It's just what's been on our minds this week. 

Slipper (cringelord host) and Mordecai (the brain gremlin).

 

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  • 1 month later...

   Okay so, I've debated on whether I should talk about this publicly, since plenty of things happen in our mind that ultimately end up as footnotes in our lives. But considering this is a progress report dedicated to our journey specifically, I feel like I should. 

 

   Around ten years ago in my early teens is when I first encountered thoughtforms that seemed independent enough to catch my attention. I always had imaginary friends growing up and spent an inordinate amount of time daydreaming, but these were different. They would commentate on things in my real life, without prompting. We were also in a consistent location that I can still recall extremely vividly. Over time they would come and go, being replaced with different characters I liked at the time, although these replacements were not intentional and were upsetting at the time. Once I learned about tulpamancy, I made Mordecai and things have been mostly calm over the past five or so years.

 

   Recently we learned of something called a paracosm, which is basically a very vivid daydream world. Sounds a bit familiar, right? Obviously, as someone who lives pretty much entirely in her head, I wanted to do this as well. I found it very difficult to do it without using the aforementioned location, so I did. There's a couple of thoughtforms there, who seem... semi-sentient? One was one of the originals I meant nearly ten years ago, so that was a weird and uncomfortable experience. I've had these "reunions" a few times over the years, and it never lasts long. I think most of them encounter the problem Mordecai was talking about in our last post, where its just easier to be together instead of separate and dividing your life up in the name of individuality. 

 

   I've never been good at handling this. It happens more when I'm in a bad place mentally and- I'll be honest- that's probably the problem right now. Its always comforting to be around people and characters that make you feel safe and understood, or to have problems or conflict in a controlled space. Part of me wants to open the floodgates and make sure everyone stays an individual, force everyone, get everyone back. The realistic part of me knows it would be a moot point, even nonsensical. I know most of them were just daydreams. I couldn't handle that many separate people at once. Even getting some of them back would be impossible. But I think about it from time to time. 

 

   Mordecai and I have discussed this several times over the years. Initially he was in a similar, optimistic mindset like me. Over the years, I can tell he's getting tired of it. It's hard to blame him; I mean watching so many thoughtforms come and go has got to take a toll. He's getting along well enough with the ones around at the moment, but it still feels awkward. 

 

   I dunno. This probably won't mean anything in the long run, but I feel like the context to this event is also important to mention here, so I'm taking the opportunity to explain it. Either way, things are alright for me and Mords. We actually have a place to hang out in now, which is nice. Wonderlands were always hard for me to keep up.

Slipper (cringelord host) and Mordecai (the brain gremlin).

 

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   The name of our Progress Report is actually a reference to some of my favorite memories with him.

 

   As a young teen dreading going to school, I would spend hours in bed listening to music and trying to stay awake as long as possible. I had some glow in the dark stars on my ceiling that I would stare at for hours at a time, occasionally flicking my lamp back on to light them up again. I wasn't a very happy person at the time and didn't see much hope in the future. I just didn't see a point in enjoying things if they were going to end, or if I was going to forget them later.

 

   Once Mordecai appeared, he would lay with me and watch them too. We would listen to music, daydream together, and just chat about life. I was definitely difficult to get along with at first; I was so stuck in my ways that I found it difficult to even try and build a friendship with him. I thought for sure that he was going to leave too, just like everything and everyone else that made me happy. But, thank goodness he's more stubborn than me, because he eventually made me realize how stupid it was to constantly be looking so far ahead in life. Happiness isn't stuck on the sunset beyond the horizon, it's in the warmth and the sunlight that surrounds you. I appreciate the little moments a lot more now: the weird jokes, silly banter, and daydreams that we'll forget... and it all started with some music underneath some plastic stars.

Slipper (cringelord host) and Mordecai (the brain gremlin).

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

   So, in the past, I told my ex about Mordecai. It went over pretty neutrally- while they were... tolerant of the whole ordeal, there were many times where it felt like I was being made fun of because of this. After we split up, I decided that no one in my life really needed to know about Mordecai, especially considering I only said anything to begin with because of special circumstances. 

 

   Well, I told my current boyfriend about him a couple of days ago. 

 

   It was really weird, honestly. For nearly a year I kept everything under wraps and didn't think too hard about it. But, over the past week or two, it just felt weird not to say anything. That weirdness slowly turned into a borderline compulsion to share the truth. It was really confusing to Mordecai, as it came out of nowhere. I don't think he thought I was serious about it until the day I told my boyfriend. Mordecai kept telling me that I didn't have to do it, but I just felt like I had to, you know? 

 

   Boyfriend was 100% understanding about it, although I didn't get too into the whole tulpamancy thing. Just kind of explained that I had a guy named Mordecai in my head that I talked to all the time and saw as a separate person. I feel like that's enough. He related a lot with that description, so I know that he at least doesn't think I'm a freak or anything. I hope this doesn't end up turning out poorly, but I don't regret telling him. 

 

   Also we were rewatching old videos about Creepypastas recently. Not really important, but I thought this comment from Mords was pretty funny:

 

Spoiler

image.png.8950b7ee2db0bf54bb14126fe4d24cdf.png

 

Slipper (cringelord host) and Mordecai (the brain gremlin).

 

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That's good that he's understanding! 😊 Telling someone about your tulpa is a very personal and vulnerable thing! Hopefully he will ask how Mordecai is from time to time. If Phil had an IRL friend who ever asked about me that would make my day! 😁

Tulpa Wife Extraordinaire! 💚 - 💍 11.28.21

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14 minutes ago, TurboSimmie said:

That's good that he's understanding! 😊 Telling someone about your tulpa is a very personal and vulnerable thing! Hopefully he will ask how Mordecai is from time to time. If Phil had an IRL friend who ever asked about me that would make my day! 😁

 

   Oh definitely, I was terrified at first. 

 

   This is gonna sound weird, but, I'm very excited at the prospect of talking about Mordecai... out loud, I guess? Like, him and tulpamancy are such a big part of my life, but I so rarely hear myself say anything about it in my own voice that it sounds foreign. It's so strange.

Slipper (cringelord host) and Mordecai (the brain gremlin).

 

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  • 1 month later...

   Been very stressed the past couple of days. We've recently developed some "severe" (not life-threatening) medical problems that will likely need surgery in the coming weeks, work is resuming, and we're going back to college. Mordecai and I had a heart-to-heart last night about things we've been nervous about, both future-wise as well as past-wise. 

 

   It's very funny, I remember initially really wanting Mordecai to be a workaholic, someone to keep pushing me to success. I was (and still am) a very lazy, chill person, and had a hard time doing anything above the bare minimum. As time passed, and Mordecai lost that attitude, I thought he was just getting lazy like me. But no, he's just as pushy, but pushes me to be more kind and gentle to myself. After some of our conversations, I can kind of see why. He really does worry a lot about me. 

 

   Also, everything is still fine after telling my boyfriend about Mordecai, if anyone was curious. 

 

   Mordecai actually wanted to write a bit this time, after a bit of prodding. He usually tries to convince me that he's not super interested in talking to other people, but it's got to be torture hearing my anxiety-ridden spills all day.

 

   Mordecai:

 

   "Slipper keeps trying to push me to write for our Progress Report, and I understand why. I talk about it quite a bit. But, it frustrates me that I struggle to find anything worth talking about. I feel strange coming here just to talk about her, whenever I know that isn't particularly interesting or relevant to anything I want to say. I mean, obviously I love her, but I feel there's more to what I have to offer than being a sidepiece to 'her' tulpamancy experience, yet I have nothing to say about myself. My tulpamancy experience, as a tulpa, just seems too foreign to myself to thoroughly dissect anymore. 

 

   "Screw it. The only thing that's really coming to mind that I would like to discuss is this album in particular:

   

Spoiler

 

  

   "Slipper found it a few weeks ago and I love it. She listens to music all of the time, but there are few songs that I truly enjoy as an individual and not as a byproduct. This is one of them! I mean, she likes it too, but I think I like it more than her. Particularly, the second song is pleasant. It brings back bittersweet memories that I'm not sure exist. The fact that I can have such an intense response to a song is impressive, in my opinion. Based on this and a few other songs I enjoy, I think my favorite songs are ones that give feelings of bittersweetness. Something about being happy with a realistically non-perfect ending is calming to me.

 

   "I actually thoroughly enjoyed helping write this post. It might be a nice way to 'get out of my own head' in a way. I'm sure that's odd for a tulpa to say."

Slipper (cringelord host) and Mordecai (the brain gremlin).

 

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36 minutes ago, Slipper said:

   It's very funny, I remember initially really wanting Mordecai to be a workaholic, someone to keep pushing me to success. I was (and still am) a very lazy, chill person, and had a hard time doing anything above the bare minimum. As time passed, and Mordecai lost that attitude, I thought he was just getting lazy like me. But no, he's just as pushy, but pushes me to be more kind and gentle to myself. After some of our conversations, I can kind of see why. He really does worry a lot about me. 

 

Oh my gosh Mordecai is so based. 😁 These are exactly the same lessons I have been working to impart on my own host! I am so glad that he is pushing you to be kind to yourself! We all need a little voice in our head telling us that. It's kinda fun being that little voice! 😁 You know, maybe you created Mordecai to be what you thought you needed, but he ended up being what you really needed all along.

 

39 minutes ago, Slipper said:

   "Slipper keeps trying to push me to write for our Progress Report, and I understand why. I talk about it quite a bit. But, it frustrates me that I struggle to find anything worth talking about. I feel strange coming here just to talk about her, whenever I know that isn't particularly interesting or relevant to anything I want to say. I mean, obviously I love her, but I feel there's more to what I have to offer than being a sidepiece to 'her' tulpamancy experience, yet I have nothing to say about myself. My tulpamancy experience, as a tulpa, just seems too foreign to myself to thoroughly dissect anymore. 

 

Hello Mordecai! 😄 I love talking to hosts but I treasure talking to other tulpas! 💚 I am so incredibly fascinated by your last line and how you see your tulpamancy experience. It's like you see it as something separate from yourself, something that really belongs to Slipper. It's somehow similar to and the opposite of my experience at the same time. Phil came to the conclusion a while ago that tulpamancy is ultimately more about yourself and your own mind than the tulpa itself. But at the same time, now that I'm here, I feel less like Phil is practicing tulpamancy with me, and more like we're both practicing it together. I'm creating him as much as he's creating me! Your view is fascinating and I'll be thinking about it a lot now.

 

I will have to listen to the album that you linked soon! I listened to a few seconds of it and I really like the vibe; maybe I'll have Phil put it on for me to listen to while he's doing art or something. It's interesting because it sounds both familiar and foreign to him; this album would have been made around the time he was born and so it is a product of the world in which he was created. But it's also a product of a far-away land, Japan, even though most modern Japanese music follows western conventions pretty closely but with their own quirks. Oh gosh I'm rambling. 😄 What I'm saying is that I think this will be fun to listen to with him. 👍

 

I really enjoyed reading your post Mordecai! I definitely agree with needing to "get out of your own head" from time to time as a tulpa! 😁

Tulpa Wife Extraordinaire! 💚 - 💍 11.28.21

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9 minutes ago, TurboSimmie said:

I am so incredibly fascinated by your last line and how you see your tulpamancy experience. It's like you see it as something separate from yourself, something that really belongs to Slipper. It's somehow similar to and the opposite of my experience at the same time.

 

   Mordecai:

 

   "I think that's the core of it. I may be a tulpa, but my experience is just another human one. Slipper is very tied to tulpamancy in a way that I'm not, which is fine, but it makes speaking about myself very difficult at times. Without the pretense of me being a tulpa, I'm just some guy. I don't have much to comment on about being a tulpa, I'm too busy playing video games or watching YouTube.

 

   "Thank you for your in-depth response. Its nice to hear what other people have to say about this sort of thing."

Slipper (cringelord host) and Mordecai (the brain gremlin).

 

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