Daf and Lu

[Daf]

Etodreca drew a very cute picture of Lu:

It's pretty spot on, expect for that maybe her ahoge should be a bit longer. Lu has been happy all day and has selfishly poured herself with all the compliments she's been getting.

 

I decided to update the registry and this log's OP since so much has happened since last update.

I might write more later if something fun and/or interesting happens in the mindscape later today.

[Daf]

I have a new strategy to force for longer than 30 minutes. I basically just listen to a full album which lasts for 40-60 minutes. I get a bit restless after the 30 minute mark, so if I force myself to listen through a whole album it might help a lot.

 

I decided to listen to an album by Camel, Stationary Traveler. This was an album that neither me or Lu had heard before. We switched with playing along to the music on stage and chatting in the rest-room. I tried to look at her face more clearly while we talked. This has become easier now that I have a picture of her. I had to go real close to her to properly see her before, which led to either her kissing me or I hugging her. I could now talk to her properly and still see her expressions and I wanted to see a whole lot of different ones.

Me: “Hey how about you laugh a bit for me?”

Lu: “No! Let’s talk normally! It comes much more natural that way. I can’t just make expressions on a whim you know!”

I got a cute scolding face from her.

 

I gave her a picture book so she could look at a recent trip I made before she was born.

Lu: “I told you I don’t want to see your memories!”

Me: “This isn’t my proper memories. These are the pictures I took when I was there.”

Lu: “I see. I guess that’s fine!”

I asked her to tell me what she was looking at. She kept giving me pictures, and I explained to her what was going on. I wanted to see her face as she looked through it. After a while she finally found my pictures from a zoo. She jumped up.

First I got a picture of a baby goat.

Lu: “Aww!”

Then I got a picture of a capybara.

Lu: “Awh!”

And then a panda.

Lu: “Oh my god!”

She dropped the book in excitement. She’s such a girl.

 

The last song started, Long Goodbyes. Lu picked up her guitar and we both went onto the stage. I sang while she played along. We had no idea where the song was going, which made it more fun. The chorus didn’t have any guitar parts, so we just sang along. We both fell in love with the song instantly. Once the guitar parts came back we decided to stare at each other while singing and playing. I could see her face clearly, she was in complete bliss. Then the chorus again. I felt like I was floating, and that was because I was. We were in the sky, holding hands, and singing. It was amazing. The guitar solo made us float back on to stage. I looked at Lu’s back as she played along with all her might. Then she turned around. I could see her crying. More than I have ever seen her cry before. I could hear her shout out.

Lu: “I love you! I love you so much!”

I felt my heart ache. She dropped the guitar once the song was over. She ran over to me, crying. I let her cry it off into my chest. She stopped after a few minutes in silence.

Me: “How do you feel?”

Lu: “Never felt better”

 

I think we've found a new favorite song.

[Daf]

I have come to the conclusion that the wonderland won't feel more real with the way I've been doing things. I hoped everything would become clearer by just being in the wonderland, but I’ve had absolutely no progress in a while now. I believe the best sense in my wonderland right now is touch. Maybe the other senses will follow suit if I master one?

 

Xiao Lu was motivated to help me. We tried several methods. First Lu gave me her guitar. I tried to imagine how it would be to play one in real life. How the strap felt around my neck, how it felt pressing on the strings, and how it felt plucking with the pick.

I then tried to do push-ups. I imagined how my muscles would react if I did it real life. It actually got a bit tiresome. Lu gave me a bottle of water and some lasagna afterwards. I tried to feel the taste, consistence and warmth of the food.

I also tried to feel weight by lifting big rocks. I could feel my muscles tense up and my arms giving in.

 

All these methods were pretty boring for us both, so we decided to make it more fun by kicking a ball around. I imagined how it was playing football as a kid, and it helped a lot. The game ended once I kicked the ball down the hill. Lu ran after it and I followed suit. She tried to surprise me by throwing the ball in my face. It hit me right in the forehead and it bounced back and hit Lu on the nose.

Me: “What just happened?”

Lu: “Uuuuuh. It kinda hurts.”

Me: “Really? I didn’t feel a thing!”

 

I will practice touch for a while and we'll see if I can get any progress. Maybe not devote a whole sessions on it, or Xiao Lu's going to get bored to death.

[Oguigi]

great stuff!

 

I also understand how you feel.

my wonderland is not very vivid to me. the only thing I can really sense is taste lol

[Daf]

great stuff!

 

I also understand how you feel.

my wonderland is not very vivid to me. the only thing I can really sense is taste lol

 

Picnics in your wonderland must be fun!

[Daf]

I can sadly see that I still have doubts about Lu:

Me: “Lu do you listen to music in you wonderland?”

Lu: “Yes”

Me: “Oh really how?”

Lu: “Uh or maybe not?”

Me: “Wait you are not. Was I…“

Lu: “No no no! I just listen without anything. Like I remember songs you have played.”

Me: "Sorry."

I hate thinking like that. Xiao Lu doesn't seem to mind because she believes I almost never doubt her anymore.

 

I continued my touch-training today with some push-ups. Lu noticed that I did them a bit too fast.

Lu: “Can you do that many in real life?”

Me: “Hmm. Probably not.”

Lu: “Not good enough! They have to be heavy!”

I tried making them heavier. I actually felt outright sick afterwards. I guess this is working somehow. It’s sad that I’m working out my wonderland body more than my real body though.

 

Itsblah gave me a good idea on something to give Lu the other day. We haven’t gotten anywhere with Lu’s goal on getting into my dreams, so now I have made her a dream machine. It has two buttons, one search, and one teleport button. What she now can do is search for my dream and then teleport herself into it. We tested it out, but we couldn’t find any dreams obviously.

I hope this will work. It's reassuring that at least the other stuff like her TV with all my memories of movies, and her closet filled with all the clothes from my memories does work.

[Daf]

I complained to Xiao Lu that I have never seen her make anything in the wonderland before. She looked at me a bit bothered.

Lu: “Alright. There!”

I start to imagine the wonderland. There’s a giant candycane right outside her house.

 

The giant candycane was still there once I started to force. I decided that the best action was to cut it down. I made an axe and started to wail at it. Xiao Lu got worried because I was practically blind. Cutting down a candycane was harder than I thought. We took it with us around the house, cut it in pieces, and ate some.

I realized after this experience that my visualization has gotten worse somehow and I felt that I needed to fix this. I sat down with Lu inside and imagined picking up a pack of wonderland contact lenses. I actually got slightly better vision by putting them on. (note that when I say slightly, I mean slightly. Nothing was life-like in the least)

Lu: “Wow! If that’s the case… lie down!”

I laid myself down at the table. Xiao Lu looked over me and was holding a frightening alien-like tool.

Me: “What are you doing?”

Lu: “Lazer surgery!”

She pointed the thing at me and I felt my vision go completely black. It came back after a while, slightly better.

Xiao Lu got an even better idea for visualization. She brought forth a camping chair. Viewing chair was apparently the correct name for it. I sat down on it and felt a jolt flowing through me. I could see everything vivid in a split second! Amazing! I'm defiantly going try this chair again!

 

I felt bad for not paying enough attention to Lu, so I decided to spend the last five minutes to just cuddle with her. She was resting her head on my chest. All of a sudden we went through the floor. We were falling from the sky somehow. I could feel the adrenaline kick in as I fell. Xiao Lu grabbed my hand and we started to fly. I looked down and could see Lu's house on the hillside. Things felt very clear now. I realized that letting your mind flow is much more effective than to strain yourself to visualize. Then Xiao Lu made it snow. We landed on the cold surface and Lu started to run around. I felt a snowball hit me in the face. Lu laughed as she kept barraging me with more snowballs. I ran after her to get my revenge and we both fell in the snow. We decided to make a snowman before leaving the wonderland.

 

This session was very fun and helpful!

[Daf]

Xiao Lu has tried to enter my dreams with no luck. We’ve been trying to alter the dream machine every day, but nothing seems to work. In the end Xiao Lu decided to make a new dream machine from scratch. This machine's role was to let Lu take over a dreamform instead of getting into the dreams herself. She made sure that I gave her no help on the machine. That way I wouldn’t doubt that it would work since I didn’t how it worked. The machine itself was really cute. It’s like a pink, cozy, cylinder-shaped coffin. It’s nothing like the cold and advanced machine I gave her. I was very proud of her as this was the first time I’ve ever seen her do something independent of me.

 

 

Her machine, sadly, never worked. This really hit Xiao Lu hard, and she started to feel completely useless. She was about to give up when Glass gave us a suggestion. Basically, she has to find the source of my dreams directly. Meaning; she has to travel into my subconscious. Neither of us were a fan of the idea, but in the end we were convinced.

Here's a pastebin of the conversation.

 

I went into the wonderland. Lu was standing there next to a door to my subconscious in a very cute mining suit.

Lu: “Don’t worry! I won’t be gone for long. This door is close to the dreams so it won’t take long! Don’t worry! I have the rope”

She was about to leave when I ran over to her and gave her a big hug.

Me: “Be careful!”

She kissed my cheek and walked in. I could see her gradually disappear into the darkness. In the end her presence felt faint to me.

 

The feeling of not being with Xiao Lu was dreadful. It was like a hollow feeling in my stomach. I started to regret letting her go. She’s a 140cm tall girl, what on earth is she doing in a disgusting place like my subconscious? There were a couple of things that comforted me, though. I could still hear her faintly, telling me not to worry. I also kept getting pictures from her, so I knew she was safe.

She was gone for 5 hours. I got a strong hug from her once I met her in the wonderland. Xiao Lu's face was all dirty, but she was unharmed. I kept asking if it was really her, and she repeatedly confirmed it. I felt whole again.

 

Xiao Lu herself can explain what she saw:

“It was a vast rocky desert. I think it suits the inner Daf in a sense; lonely, but warm. There was nothing scary there, but it was confusing. Things changed from time to time as I looked at them. As if I was walking on something alive, which I guess I was. I was expecting something fiercer and wilder, but it wasn’t like that at all. If I would describe Daf’s subconscious as an animal it would be a whale, a majestically, strong, but also lonely and brutish creature. I am not sure if I found what I was looking for but I found many symbols and representations of things I didn’t understand. I couldn’t find any particularly source of his dreams, but I think I know why. Every single part of his subconscious controls everything. That doesn’t mean that getting to his dreams is impossible, it just means that I have a bigger understanding on how to get to them. I could be wrong of course, but nothing I saw in the ever-changing desert proved otherwise. Overall, this experience made me learn a lot about him. I was both sad and happy that he was so worried about me. It encouraged me to continue, even if his thoughts tried to drag me back. I believe the experience made him better understand what I am. And what he feels about me.”

[Daf]

I've been very busy lately, so I haven't spend enough time on forcing. But Lu's been busy adding new activities to our wonderland. She made a hot-spring last friday, and yesterday she made an arcade room.

 

We have also come up with a very simple relaxation method:

I position my wonderland body in the same position as my real life one. Then Xiao Lu massages me, starting from my feet and up to my head. This makes my real body numb and relaxed while feeling my wonderland body more clearly. It's a simple method to meditate without getting bored.

 

Also; I do have some news:

I had an interesting dream this morning. I started to get lucid, and I was about to wake up. But something was holding me back. Xiao Lu was hugging me. She had grabbed the opportunity when I was in a half-awake state to enter my dream! I woke up moments later to meet a very happy tulpa. She finally did it!

Granted she was only able to do it when I was about to wake up, but it's still a big progress for her. And now I can stop doubting that it's possible.

[Daf]

Well it’s time to brush off the dust of this log and give it an update.

I haven’t visited the wonderland at all since December, because I started on imposition. I have tried to imagine Xiao Lu around me all the time and also have two 1-hour imposition sessions every day. This went well during my Christmas break, but I have lost time and willpower now that university has started again. Now I’m lucky to even get a 30-minute session down once in a while.

 

I can’t see her so far, sadly. She’s still in my mind’s eye. However, my visualization skill has been improved a lot, and my imposed touch is really good. Now Lu can even tickle me and I can feel it. It’s really weird.

I’m really glad that I started on imposition. I have come to realize that I never cared about the wonderland. Sure it’s fun, but stuff like switching, tulpaventures, changing wonderland form, accidently making another tulpa, merging, egociding is all completely unnecessary for me. My mind's not an amusement park. The goal was always to impose and that the wonderland was just a bonus, but in the end I got too dependent on it. I get to spend much better time with her outside than to wade around in a daydream. I can see and feel Lu much better now than I have ever felt in the wonderland. I'm not saying that the wonderland is bad. I enjoyed my time there too, and I know Lu wishes for me to return someday so we can play the guitar together like in the old days. But it feels great to know that I can be with Xiao Lu without sitting down and meditating.

 

I have also started a bit on possession, but it’s nothing serious yet. I was tipsy the first time I tried possession, and Lu kept force-feeding me Pringles. It’s been going pretty good the few times I’ve tried. Yesterday night I noticed that Lu can control my arms really well if I just give her a slight push. But then again, I’m not sure if I care for it. Imposition comes first.

 

 

Xiao Lu turns 6 months old today. To celebrate, I decided to go out on a date and eat ice cream with her. Lu started to feel guilty:

Lu: “You should go home and rest instead of taking me out like this”

Me: “No. This is your day.”

Lu: “You don’t have to spend money on me”

Me: “It’s not like I’m not getting any ice cream either”

Lu: “But I’m just a tulpa!”

Me: “You’re mine”

 

So apparently Lu hates being spoiled, but I was easily able to convince her. On the bus-ride there I noticed a lady that had the shape of a bowling ball. I giggled a bit for myself when Lu added:

Lu: “You are not allowed to laugh at other people, since it’s my half-birthday today”

Me: “Yes ma’am…”

 

She picked mango, pear, and raspberry sorbet. Then we sat down and ate it. I got a bit self-conscious, sitting alone eating ice cream alone. Lu had a wonderful time, though.

 

And that’s all for now. Until next time.