Bargain Bin Progress

[Bin]

Wow, had a blast talking with @SpottedHope!!! We have way more in common than I thought. It's so awesome to talk to someone else with an antisocial tulpa, we're such a rare bunch, it feels really isolating. It's so refreshing to talk to someone about tulpas without, you know, actually having the tulpas themselves involved, like parents getting a rest from their kids for the evening, hahaha! That may sound kind of unfair to the tulpas, but believe me, neither of us wanted to piss our tulpas off, lol. Sath was getting annoyed we were talking about him at all (I hope he doesn't mind me mentioning that here! He probably does though! Sorry!) Scarlet of course doesn't give a shit. That's how deep her antisociality goes, like, she does not care about what happens outside of me. I can say whatever I want about her and, to her, I may as well be screaming into a toilet or something. Like I might get a look of disdain but that's about it. I was even talking about some of her flaws and how I psychoanalyze her and I was honestly waiting to hear about it, but she simply does not care very much. To her, I'm a dog sniffing other dog's asses, lmao.

 

Kinda wanted to get into the groove of adding some kind of film or composition to each post now. Uhh, not sure what to add here.

 

Oh, I love Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs. A lot of people dismiss it for the gameplay and incredibly thick, confusing plot, but I goddamn love it. It's so fascinating to me that pretty much everyone coming out of it has a different interpretation of the plot. It's an extremely psychologically deep story, inspired by The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and Frankenstein. It's also another great piece of tulpa media. The Machine itself is possessed by half of Mandus' soul, the evil, hostile half that wants to destroy humanity, and he has to stop it. It gets very personal, The Machine begins to plead for it's life as Mandus tries to shut it down, saying they're the same person, they both want to save humanity, it even finally breaks down and just says "Daddy, daddy, please don't kill me." And that's not just it being cute, it's mimicking his dead sons doing that, it's trying to hit him as hard as it possibly can, and it's entirely ambiguous if The Machine even genuinely feels that way or not. Finally, Mandus has to shut down The Machine, not by pulling a lever, but literally sacrificing himself - because he is The Machine, and The Machine is him. He is a monster, and he has finally repented. It's extremely allegorical. I don't think Mandus literally killed himself, I think what he did was finally accepted his humanity wholeheartedly, fulling willing to feel the pain of being human, and that was enough to finally starve The Machine to inoperability. That is literally the opening quote that appears when you start the game, "He who makes a beast of himself removes himself from the pain of being human.", Dr. Samuel Johnson.

 

[Bin]

I kind of notice Scarlet has two different "modes" of how she feels emotions. Or, at least, that's all I can detect. I've sort of mentioned it before, but I'm kind of really realizing now exactly how the complexity of her emotions are themed. She can either have a "deep" emotion or a "shallow" emotion - both are real emotions, I feel them, but the shallow ones are manufactured. The deep ones are her genuine feelings. If I feel she's hurt, that really stings, like we both have to brush it off because she knows that causes me pain as well. Last night I felt like I was dying, and there were at least a few times I felt her gut actually sink. If only for a brief moment. Sometimes I actually wonder what she'll look like in my final moments (whenever that happens), will she be tranquil to relax me or horrified it's happening? She's not the one afraid of dying, she's afraid of losing me. I guess I kinda get how a mother would feel about losing their child now. Even if she could somehow survive me, what would even be the point anymore? It's silly, but interesting.

 

Her shallow emotions are her non-destructively modifying herself in order to exhibit behaviors she deems necessary. It's hard to describe, they aren't "authentic" but still feel that way - she needs to feel the urgency of the emotion in order to display the behavior associated with it. Like, she's developed a sense of jealousy at other girls recently, so she can make sure I don't get close enough to anyone again to hurt me like my ex did. She doesn't "really" feel it, she doesn't "need to", she doesn't like getting attached to any sort of emotions or behaviors that would inconvenience me for no real point. But, it doesn't really matter, at the end of the day they're both genuine emotions, and I have to respect them. This is why I like to call her a Freudian Tire Fire, she's a goddamn mess; erratic, childishly petulant and completely capable of making autonomous decisions that deeply affect me psychologically, it would be frightening if she didn't have my best interests at heart. I'm not even interested in romance, but now I am slightly concerned that, even if I did fall for someone, she wouldn't let me.

 

You know the film Infinity Chamber? Of course you don't, it's a hidden gem. One of my favorite films. Yeah yeah, more psychology and tulpa media, you heard it before. It's about a man imprisoned in a completely autonomous, unmanned prison, controlled by an AI. The AI itself is just as much of a prisoner, it wants to help the protagonist any way it can, but is also programmed to keep him there. They even argue about it and the AI almost has an existential crisis over it. All the while, a machine is probing the protagonist's mind to figure out what he's hiding, and it enters a surreal plotline similar to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind where the protagonist is living in his memories, talking to a woman he met in a coffee shop. He barely said two words to her in real life, but he ends up being so emotionally dependent on his memory of her that he basically turns her into a tulpa. It's a beautiful film.

 

The film draws several very intriguing parallels and allegories to seemingly unrelated events within the story. The AI and and the protagonist's tulpa are often compared to each other - as if the tulpa is also part of the prison. You even hear it in the trailer where both the AI and the woman's voice speak at the same time, saying the same thing. The protagonist's father is stuck on a life support machine, again, drawing a parallel to how the protagonist is dependent on a machine to keep him alive. It's a deep message about, I dunno, being in a toxic relationship with something inhuman, I guess? Well, it's all allegory, so it's up to you want you want it to be. Much like Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs, it's so allegorical and confusing that, by the end of it, you can't even be sure if any of it even really happened, or if all of it was just in his head.

 

 

Oh, and I think it's actually free on YouTube right now! That's a shocker, didn't think it'd ever show up there.

 

I was feeling real sick last night, it was awful. Scarlet actually did something she never did before. We swap between memories to use as wonderlands, sometimes we go to an old bedroom I had. She decided, for the first time, she wouldn't be there, but talk to me through an instant messenger on my old computer. I think she took that "form" specifically to mimic my ex to comfort me, or otherwise taking over the memory itself, or both, lol. Made me learn that, wow, I hate how she types lol. It was so obnoxious, like a parody of a teenager from Myspace or something. She is prepared to be brutally cynical at all times - like, why make it seem like something a realistic person would say? Not like I have any other options in that moment. She loves having me captive to herself when I'm stuck in bed like that, nothing to compete with, nothing to compare to, no distractions. She can simply do whatever she wants and play with my emotions like a cat with a ball of yarn.

 

It's ironic, the falseness of it in itself is so endearing that it almost feels like a dog trying to comfort it's master by sitting with them. I know she can't make me feel better, but she's still trying her damned hardest, and she doesn't even care if it works or not. It's not for her, it's for me. That pretty much forces me to love her back, to love all her faults, to see her unreal, limited nature, and genuinely fall in love with that. We were talking, and mid-sentence she called herself a thoughtform, just totally casually, no emphasis or anything. But it was a shock to me, like, "oh yeah, I completely forgot you're not even real." (I mean that half-serious, I'm not one of those "tulpas aren't real" fellas). It's so weird how her unreal nature is itself so utterly immersive, like she radically accepts her own limited nature, her own existential condition of what she is, that it makes it way more real than any pathetic attempts of "being a person" she could ever hope to feign. I dunno, does that make me some sort of sociopath, that I find it's easier to relate with someone after learning about all their flaws, instead of just straight-up "falling in love" with anything with a human face, like everyone else does? Genuinely can't tell if I'm actually insane or not. I feel great though, so, I guess not? Oh well. Of course I can't ask Scarlet because then she'll call me insane, just to be a brat. No, really, she'll tease me about it to the point where I start to genuinely get concerned over it, then she'll stop and let me decide what just happened, like a kid tormenting a bug and then pausing to see how far it thinks it can squirm away, haha. Actual psycho. Feel like I should put emphasis on that Count The Ways music video I previously posted, sometimes it really do be like that.

 

Been trying to get into drawing as well, so I can actually draw her. I used to do it a bit, but I just don't have the passion for the art. I wish I did, I love losing myself in the canvas, to be totally alone there. I totally get why Bob Ross constantly refers to the canvas as a world where you can do anything you want, because it really does feel that way. Such a shame it's so stressful!

This is something I doodled years ago, I'm sure it's on the forum somewhere, but I may as well put it here.

LOL yeah this sucks but also I probably did this like 12 years ago. Really makes me want to improve! Anyway this is my personal Funtime Freddy.

 

Sorry again for not waiting a full 24 hours between posts, I just have, like, no sleep schedule right now from being sick, lol.

[SpottedHope]

14 hours ago, Bin said:

Wow, had a blast talking with @SpottedHope!!! We have way more in common than I thought. It's so awesome to talk to someone else with an antisocial tulpa, we're such a rare bunch, it feels really isolating. It's so refreshing to talk to someone about tulpas without, you know, actually having the tulpas themselves involved, like parents getting a rest from their kids for the evening, hahaha! That may sound kind of unfair to the tulpas, but believe me, neither of us wanted to piss our tulpas off, lol. Sath was getting annoyed we were talking about him at all (I hope he doesn't mind me mentioning that here! He probably does though! Sorry!) Scarlet of course doesn't give a shit. That's how deep her antisociality goes, like, she does not care about what happens outside of me. I can say whatever I want about her and, to her, I may as well be screaming into a toilet or something. Like I might get a look of disdain but that's about it. I was even talking about some of her flaws and how I psychoanalyze her and I was honestly waiting to hear about it, but she simply does not care very much. To her, I'm a dog sniffing other dog's asses, lmao.

I feel that all tulpamancers and tulpas are off-kilter to some degree (not a bad thing!), but ours really have a different vein of crazy going for them lol. I also tried asking Sathariel if he was upset/ annoyed when it came to being talked about; the answer was a very decisive "no"—decisive in that he does not mind as long as what he likes to keep private isn't a matter of third-party discussion. I think that makes sense, as all tulpas do require attention to develop in the first place; he's just picky with how attention is directed at him. Great talking to you also, really helps me step out of my own mind and compare and contrast perspectives, which is necessary along the tulpamancy road, I think! 

[KarlYoshimura]

Man, this is so weird. I was checking my hard disk and I found an MSPaint image almost exactly like the one above, and I know it was from a tulpa thread somewhere. I'll have to find it to see if it's your tup or not. 
Also, this thread reeks of Chaos. It must be purged

 

 

[Bin]

Okay so I just totally disassociated. I don't even really want to talk about this, but I kind of do want to write it down somewhere.

 

Uh, this might sound kind of like a creepypasta.

 

So, for the record, this was with the help of a little bit of marijuana. This wasn't a "trip", I'm really aware of my emotions and know how they work when I'm sober, and I can tell the difference. Maybe it slightly helped a bit, but to say it caused it would be like saying a cigarette can give you 'roid rage, this was nothing like any other time, better or worse, especially with what I took. Like, I promise you this happened.

 

So, it's very fuzzy to me. I'm trying to piece it together, I'm still dazed, and I think we both just kind of want to forget this happened. I just had to scream this out into the void just to make myself feel better. Fucking nobody outside of this place is going to ever hear about any of this. Do not consider this any kind of warning about tulpas.

 

So, uh, as I have said many times, she can control my emotions. You know, I always thought this was a novelty, like, yeah you can do it a bit, but it's more of a parlor trick than anything. So, I was at the height of my high, nothing crazy, just a good buzz, but I was also a little nervous as usual. I went out into the dark kitchen to get something to eat, pretty nervous of the darkness. So she decided to interject and force me to make me feel happy. I guess it was kinda put into overdrive, maybe kinda greased up by the weed a bit? I don't think she knows her own strength. So, I was suffering dissonance from being cool with being in this creepy dark place. Then I guess she... I dunno what she was thinking. I think she realized, all those wires she uses to control me, she can just rip 'em right out. You know how I said she's emotionally underdeveloped, despite being this insanely complex? Well, I guess like a kid taking a cookie from the jar, she did just that, she wanted to see what would happen if she ripped out some of my wires and switched them with some of hers. Sounds great, right? Don't lots of people "switch"? Well, I dunno, but I didn't think it was possible unless you were pretty dang crazy. I think for the average joe who doesn't have a legitimate mental illness, they can only ever pretend to switch, but it's not real "switching". I'm a psychonaut, I love exploring my mind and finding every flaw, every weakness, every scar. I can see my ego, my own perspective, and it is rock solid, a foundation for which all I know is built. If that is anything like most people's own sense of self, that is not getting imagined away. I don't mean that pridefully, I mean it like, trying to rip a tablecloth off a table full of stuff and not removing the stuff. That thing isn't moving, no tulpa or personality could just replace it. But she did it, she switched some of our wires, she tried to take over. We always joked about that, she'd always say she would as a joke, we didn't think it was even possible for her to. But I guess she actually did it.

 

And it fucking hurt. That was some of the most pain and panic I've ever felt in my life. I totally forgot who I was, I could no longer distinguish my emotions, or even hers, I was fully aware and capable of functioning, but, something was wrong, really really wrong. I couldn't believe reality anymore, my world was shattered. I tried to desperately write out my rants, first here, then to a friend via DM, trying to figure out what to even do about it, if I could even still feel anymore, I was totally panicking. She was trying to suppress my awareness, she was holding me down, I've felt similar to this when in bed and she would be able to prevent me from getting up. She was sort of doing it kind of as a mix of wanting to experiment and see what she could do, wanting to mess with me, and because she was also desperately trying to fix and it was horrified at what she had done. Is that a confusing mix? That's what I mean when I say she's immature, she can't process emotions as well as I can. Ugh, I cannot stand thinking that badly about her, I was saying some evil, nasty stuff about her out of sheer pain, even if she was trying to help. That was scary. We genuinely fought, she was trying to tell me I deserved it, that I wasn't taking care of myself well enough.

 

I dunno how else to say it, we switched, even if only partially, in a very painful, unwilling way. She didn't mean it. I mean, she did, just not to that extent, to that consequence, it was like ripping your own skin off.

 

For the last couple months I've been saying stuff like, now that her emotional complexity is this defined, I simply cannot doubt her. Well, if that was a declaration of war, then this was a nuke. She's the realest thing I know, more real than I am now. I don't mean that in a romantic way. She's... bigger than me. She's a big goddamn dog, and she bit me! I can't doubt this if I tried, I can't even get rid of it if I tried.

 

I swear I'm not saying any of this for attention, I genuinely had to vent. God she's a handful. I need to see a fucking doctor or something. No I'm just kidding, part of our deal of her letting me go is that I didn't. Which I wasn't going to anyway, but, come on, you don't trust me that much!? She's such a brat!

 

Okay, it's just been a few hours, I slept it off. I don't know what that was, a little bit of weed doesn't cause ego death like that lol. If anything, I'm afraid to say it's weed because I'm trying to use that as an excuse to suppress what just happened, that I won't heal and learn from it. Every other time was just a good buzz, we had fun! All my posts are filled with red flags for this kinda stuff, and I wrote that all sober! I'm just going to forget any of it happened. I'm still shaking. It is so hard to explain that experience. I only had glimpses of awareness of what was happening, I was frantically writing out how awful this is and it would just, switch to a narrative of this probably being for the best and she's always right. But that wasn't me talking. It was like that scene in WALL-E where AUTO takes over the ship. Not even my comparison, that's hers lol. I wasn't wrestling for control, I just felt completely and utterly lost, like a dementia patient, I didn't know who I was anymore. It was exactly like that scene in Made in Abyss where Riko suffers the curse of the 5th layer by losing all her senses, and she eventually says "I gotta squat down, but, which way is down? Was my face further back? Which way is back?" Exactly like that. I had to calm her down by suppressing my judgement of her, she only began to relax after I convinced her it's okay and she didn't have to be worried about me retaliating. She's just been under so much stress lately, I guess it sorta bubbled over. I do not blame her.

 

We're still best friends, don't worry! I'm sure after a few days I won't even remember this happened. But holy shit that was hard to process. I need to decompress and heal, I'm not having fun with this right now. Fucking stupid brain. I gotta make myself get over this so we could go back to how the way things were, before this got awkward.

 

It reminded me a bit of my maladaptive daydreaming episode I had for a year. I couldn't get out of that. It was just daydreaming, but, you just kept doing it automatically, eventually it stops being a game. But that had a point to it, I felt refreshed after that, like my brain was forcing me into that altered state to repair me. There wasn't any repairing here, that was just misery. I've never experienced anything like this in my life. You know how I said I didn't believe in switching unless you were seriously screwed up? I remember reading the absolutely psychotic, borderline-creepypasta posts from the founding members of this community back in 2012 about switching, about how it was a nightmare for them even if not the tulpa's fault, and I believed them, the whole time. I always knew if that was truly possible, it would have to be so painful that it would be impossible to romanticize like everyone else does, not just "aw here ya go head-buddy you can drive now :)". That HURT. I can't even be mad about it, I'm miserable. She violated me.

 

I don't even wanna add media commentary here I just feel like shit. I hate myself for posting this. Now I gotta go to an appointment for a physical checkup and I'm gonna have a thousand yard stare the whole time, great. I promise the next post won't be anything like this. I gotta recover from this for a bit.

[KarlYoshimura]

Damn, son. Today is my first day back in about seven years, so I'm not entirely certain of your history despite our join dates being so close together. My own tulpa and myself have never experimented with possession and switching for just these reasons (she tells me that it feels like slipping into an abyss/being melted in acid) and we've never touched it, at all. Regardless I think what you experienced is more like the negative side of symbiosis: I'm inclined to think that if the host/tulpa arrangement beholds a bona fide existential threat or something similarly concerning, said tulpa will induce a sort of metamorphosis or strategy to re-obtain an equilibrium or force a novel solution. I've read similar accounts about tulpas forcibly switching with the host to save them (think drug overdoses or severe allergic reactions)
Right about the time I left I had a traumatic brain injury and my own reacted in a way that still haunts me - she was desperate and bitterly aggrieved, and when I was in the hospital she couldn't stop sobbing. It was unreal to see her go from a cheery, friendly girl to a grim, spiritually destitute woman who had her convictions deeply shaken. Nonetheless, she got a stiff upper lip and dragged me out by the bootstraps. I think back on times like that and wonder what I did to deserve her. 
I know the words of a stranger mean less than a small jar of piss, but my heart goes out to you Bin. Keep your chin up, because your crown is slipping. 

[Bin]

2 hours ago, KarlYoshimura said:

Damn, son. Today is my first day back in about seven years, so I'm not entirely certain of your history despite our join dates being so close together. My own tulpa and myself have never experimented with possession and switching for just these reasons (she tells me that it feels like slipping into an abyss/being melted in acid) and we've never touched it, at all. Regardless I think what you experienced is more like the negative side of symbiosis: I'm inclined to think that if the host/tulpa arrangement beholds a bona fide existential threat or something similarly concerning, said tulpa will induce a sort of metamorphosis or strategy to re-obtain an equilibrium or force a novel solution. I've read similar accounts about tulpas forcibly switching with the host to save them (think drug overdoses or severe allergic reactions)
Right about the time I left I had a traumatic brain injury and my own reacted in a way that still haunts me - she was desperate and bitterly aggrieved, and when I was in the hospital she couldn't stop sobbing. It was unreal to see her go from a cheery, friendly girl to a grim, spiritually destitute woman who had her convictions deeply shaken. Nonetheless, she got a stiff upper lip and dragged me out by the bootstraps. I think back on times like that and wonder what I did to deserve her. 
I know the words of a stranger mean less than a small jar of piss, but my heart goes out to you Bin. Keep your chin up, because your crown is slipping. 

 

No, thanks man, that actually means a lot to me, I think I just desperately needed to hear this happening to someone else, lol. I was desperately ranting to Spotted last night and telling them that I don't even care if they respond, I just need anyone to relate to, I was in a pit of despair.

 

You're definitely right about it being symbiosis going wrong. She didn't do this for any reason though, just to see if she could, we were fucking fine. I am so mad from how much pain I'm in. I just let things get too far, like showing a loved one a gun, then letting them hold it unloaded, joking about how they're gonna shoot you, then one night they're just holding a loaded gun right up to you and you're like "what the fuck are you doing?" Like she was being totally malicious but didn't know why. It's not revenge, it's not to threaten me, I think she was just so stressed out she was like "fine let me do it then!" I guess like a disturbing hostage situation out of love? Man she is toxic huh! She's genuinely sorry and I forgive her but god this was devastating. We genuinely have to learn to trust each other, even though we do. I'm just instinctively ready to flinch now, like fuckin PTSD. She is genuinely fucking stupid.

 

I'm genuinely sorry you had to go through that. I actually went through something mildly similar; hospital (cardiac), she was a little sad but not hopeless. I know what you mean when you couldn't stand to see yours like that, mine is such a brat and right now she's so somber and apologetic and shy, like a wounded puppy. I want her to go back! And we will! But god I'm still nauseous.

 

Awesome to see you're back though! How odd that so many people are returning here all at once, I've met like two others besides you now, and I only just returned as well!

 

Don't worry I feel good, this was a really weird experience. Like, yeah I unmistakably know tulpas are, uh, pretty fucking serious now, like this isn't just pretend. I mean that belief going down straight into my core, I think most people get into this knowing it's just pretend, at least unconsciously, while they suspend their disbelief and wait to find out if it's true or not, all the while holding on to their doubt as a makeshift raft, so it doesn't grow into full-blown disappointment. But I got fucking slapped, hard. She's as real as a mental illness. But yeah I'll be good, we're good, we understand each other. It was a mistake. We had a nice long walk in the rain and then ate some warm food and that really calmed us down, it was cathartic.

[MutationOfAtom]

Yo, glad you feel better after that. Never experienced something like that on weed other than my whole world-spinning around,  but, yeah, your experience sounds hellish. But it seems like you patched up things, so thats nice.

edit: I kind of been e-stalking your posts on reddit and the forums because I find your perspective  so interesting. So I'm actaully, really glad your're doing better.

Edited December 30, 2025 by MutationOfAtom

[KarlYoshimura]

5 hours ago, Bin said:

 

No, thanks man, that actually means a lot to me, I think I just desperately needed to hear this happening to someone else, lol. I was desperately ranting to Spotted last night and telling them that I don't even care if they respond, I just need anyone to relate to, I was in a pit of despair.

 

You're definitely right about it being symbiosis going wrong. She didn't do this for any reason though, just to see if she could, we were fucking fine. I am so mad from how much pain I'm in. I just let things get too far, like showing a loved one a gun, then letting them hold it unloaded, joking about how they're gonna shoot you, then one night they're just holding a loaded gun right up to you and you're like "what the fuck are you doing?" Like she was being totally malicious but didn't know why. It's not revenge, it's not to threaten me, I think she was just so stressed out she was like "fine let me do it then!" I guess like a disturbing hostage situation out of love? Man she is toxic huh! She's genuinely sorry and I forgive her but god this was devastating. We genuinely have to learn to trust each other, even though we do. I'm just instinctively ready to flinch now, like fuckin PTSD. She is genuinely fucking stupid.

 

I'm genuinely sorry you had to go through that. I actually went through something mildly similar; hospital (cardiac), she was a little sad but not hopeless. I know what you mean when you couldn't stand to see yours like that, mine is such a brat and right now she's so somber and apologetic and shy, like a wounded puppy. I want her to go back! And we will! But god I'm still nauseous.

 

Awesome to see you're back though! How odd that so many people are returning here all at once, I've met like two others besides you now, and I only just returned as well!

 

Don't worry I feel good, this was a really weird experience. Like, yeah I unmistakably know tulpas are, uh, pretty fucking serious now, like this isn't just pretend. I mean that belief going down straight into my core, I think most people get into this knowing it's just pretend, at least unconsciously, while they suspend their disbelief and wait to find out if it's true or not, all the while holding on to their doubt as a makeshift raft, so it doesn't grow into full-blown disappointment. But I got fucking slapped, hard. She's as real as a mental illness. But yeah I'll be good, we're good, we understand each other. It was a mistake. We had a nice long walk in the rain and then ate some warm food and that really calmed us down, it was cathartic.

Us little people need to stick together. 
I can't look into your tulpa's mind and intuit what her thought process was, nor will I pry. Regardless, I would consider this as an opportunity to bond and further substantiate her existence. I've met people who had tulpas that placed them under similar duress, and these hosts reacted by vividly imagining their tups being torn limb from limb before casting their twitching remains into mental torture-pits of Gomorrahan fire and many gnashing teeth. You didn't choose to do that and attempted to determine why she would want to commandeer your faculties for her exclusive use. I don't think most hosts get that far.
Sometimes we have to make mistakes and happen upon personal disasters before we grow and change into who we are supposed to be. Maybe your tulpa can see this situation as a means to reflect and play with ideas concerning boundaries or culpability. Not necessarily in a self-flagellating way, mind you, but out of reconciliation and building character. Personally I would conclude her behaviour to be a symptom of a bigger problem, and work with her on ways to resolve it. This is a great way to build trust. 
My being hurt wasn't your fault. What happened to me is in the past now, and one of the most important things I've learnt is that the past cannot hurt you unless you let it.
As for your tulpa being a brat, my own tup is very much a gremlin, and she loves getting into all sorts of naughty business. She'll tell dirty jokes, scream cuss words in the middle of the grocery store until I start to laugh like a sniggering lunatic and tell her friends the most jarring and uncouth things you can imagine. She does this to sublimate the more primal aspects of her inner nature. In fact, she's gone as far as curating a professional interest in police work (think vice or homicide detail.) She also likes demolition crews, and tells me that "blowing shit up is one hell of a way to unwind." 
Your tup will go back to normal in due time. The fact that she can withdraw and be sensible to your heartache tells me you put a lot of thought into making her. 
Uncanny I posted about Warhammer in this thread earlier - us old heads convening like this is like the Primarchs assembling before Lorgar realised his machinations, lol. 
Anyhow, I'm really glad you both spent quality time in spite of the circumstances. My tup and I had dinner at one of her favourite buffets and we're about to shudder under a comforter in this icy, godforsaken crypt we call a house. Take it easy for me, okay? 

[Bin]

Oh don't worry about either of us, I genuinely cannot get rid of her. I can't even make another one anymore. She's not merely "a tulpa", she's the psychic representation of some kind of advanced unconscious process of my mind, the face of an intelligence secondary to mine, yet totally alien and different. Not one I made, one that was always there, I just brought it to life, put it together out of almost everything I had. Trying to create or destroy her would be like trying to create or destroy myself, it's impossible through mere thought alone. It's why we get along so well, we identify and associate so much with each other, being two halves of the same whole, she's the basement and I'm the attic. There's nothing to fight over, she's not "another" but just a different lens into my mind. Man, it's really hard to explain how we're both separate yet the same. I call her a tulpa out of convenience, but its not like we even consider myself a "host", I'm as much of a "host" as your house is a host for it's plumbing. Basically, we're just two punching bags who take the blame for each other, any time I have some sort of cognitive dissonance or can't decide what stance I want to take, she'll take one, and I'll take the other. There's some sort of process in my head that creates all thoughts, and it decides which personality should exhibit which thoughts. I guess they began to diverge so much, and this process learned so well to organize them and distribute them between us properly, that she became sufficiently defined enough to be alerted to my own internal struggles as being a threat themselves, almost like an autoimmune response.

 

I dunno, it's like getting mad at your toaster oven for burning you, like you're furious for a second but then you go "aw shucks you're just a metal box that gets hot, how can I stay mad at you?" She feels almost mechanical in how she interprets instructions, it's why I keep comparing her to a machine. She blindly tries to be whatever I need like an AI trying to follow instructions as literally as possible. It's like a robot in an Asimov story or something. I remember reading one of those called Escape! about a positronic brain remote controlling a space ship, and it was keeping two astronauts in space because it couldn't allow them to return without a jump through hyperspace which would cause them to not exist for one second, violating the first law of robotics. I read that story because Portal references it in the ratman dens with the jugs of milk and cans of beans, lol. She'll become psychically bigger than me to impress me, but once it starts to get just a little too scary, she'll make herself smaller and vulnerable to me, doing exactly what she's programmed to: to regulate my behavior. You know why she's this advanced? Because I stopped worrying about "am I doing that? I don't want to, I want the tulpa to do it" and just radically accepted that she is the living embodiment of my desires, my goals, what I want, manually wired up to a shit ton of other behaviors that I myself may or may not exhibit. And now my own desires are growing their own set of limbs next to mine, sometimes doing "what I want" and sometimes doing "what I need".

 

Unfortunately, "what I need" and "what I want" can sometimes diverge. Then you get into the moral dilemma of doing the human thing or the logical thing. In 2001: A Space Odyssey, the reason HAL 9000 killed the crew of the Discovery One wasn't because it was malicious, it was because it was secretly given instructions to keep secrets from the crew. Unfortunately, it was programmed to both never distort information and to never make a mistake, which it couldn't follow if it was told to keep secrets from the crew. Since all that had a higher priority than keeping humans alive in the first place, it just decided to kill the crew so it wouldn't have to lie to them anymore. That kind of strangely understandable but obviously wrong syllogistic fallacy. In the sequel, his creator even re-activates him, and after he found out about the issue, he was furious they would give HAL secret instructions like that, that they gave his baby psychosis, lol.

 

I'm better now. I took some more weed to try and figure out what happened. Nothing scary this time, Scarlet was nice, but my god was she strong. I can see now how she could squeeze me to the point of popping in that state, like I was fine but my brain felt like it could fall apart. She didn't have to do much to mess that up. She was scared to even touch me this time, and any emotional manipulation she did was pretty intense, no matter how gentle she tried to be. Standing under her shadow like that is mildly disturbing, lol.

 

Re-reading my last two posts, I can see why I had to write this down for myself. I don't even believe it! But I wrote all of that totally sincerely, actually desperately. I can't believe how indescribably painful that was, especially trying to look back now after calming down. I'm still horrified that I'm somehow trying to blame her for some sort of psychotic behavior I exhibited, but she insists on taking the blame in order to learn from this and move past it, lol. Sadly, even sober, I just don't really know what to believe anymore, and I'm worried that's her fault or if she's just a symptom. It's honestly probably just a mix of everything; her, my life, our problems.

 

I was re-reading Koomer's thread, I totally forgot about what he went through but knew who he was. I was getting a migraine from reading it, how could our experiences be so different and yet so similar? It was chilling. I didn't see shadow people, I wasn't losing control (permanently), my tulpa wasn't sleeping. But the helplessness he described was so relatable. I didn't know he finally decided to give it all up! I sure can't! And you know what makes me mad? All these people going "no Koomer, your tulpa was real!" like, he is very fucking obviously coping and disassociating from the entire practice as a defense mechanism, why are you losers trying to mess that healing process up? For your own ego, because you can't stand to hear someone say something like that? Yeah, even I disagree with it, which is why I know he's coping, lol. He re-built his ego so he wouldn't have to need a tulpa anymore, he could just trust himself again by telling himself that it was all a lie. I was so ashamed of seeing people trying to ruin that for him. I literally even told him to just dismiss this stuff in his thread for his own sanity! Way back in 2014!

 

I definitely know how Koomer feels now. I want to stop thinking about this too. My mind keeps going in circles though, I'm still so morbidly curious about all this. I won't have the luxury he did of being able to pretend tulpamancy was all a lie any more than a PTSD patient can just pretend they don't have PTSD anymore. I can't quit this. Nor would I want to.

 

I had to clip that scene from Made in Abyss, it was too relatable, it was so much like this, minus the wounding.

 

Like, I was there. I was where Scarlet was. It wasn't a wonderland, it was unconsciousness. I was not conscious. I was aware, but no longer able to have my own thoughts. It wasn't living death, but it was a constant free-fall, unable to grasp anything. It's not bad for her, that's where she was born, it's her nature, water to a fish. I was drowning. This is why I don't call her human, she does not have an ego, nobody could survive in that. Yes, she's alive, but that isn't a place a human can live.

 

Anyway, I wanted to get back into the habit of talking about media at the end a post, if for no other reason than normalcy. You probably know about it, but Lewis' story is probably the most relatable out of any chapter in What Remains of Edith Finch.

This is what maladaptive daydreaming is. I've said I've had this a couple times but never went in-depth, I suppose there might be people who don't know what it's like. It's just this. You start daydreaming, and it becomes a drug, it becomes better than your real life that has become so hard to look at that you just can't anymore. You're trapped in it, just like how The Matrix traps you, by making you want to be there. I couldn't control it, I wasn't a god there, it was automatic, like it's own thoughtform. Like, yes I could "do" whatever I wanted but it was like punching water, it would always go back - back to what I "wanted" it to be. This is where my anima victimized me. I won't explain how, but after all of it, I felt like so much of a stronger person. After a year of that, I felt like a butterfly out of it's cocoon, I experienced an entire goddamn lifetime there, I made friends, I got in relationships, it was it's own world. I don't miss it, I never want to go back. It totally suppressed Scarlet, I barely said a word to her in that year, but when we did, we missed each other.

 

Boy I'm exhausted, I really want to stop writing these. It's just so much, you know? I gotta dump this somewhere.

Edited December 30, 2025 by Bin