Bargain Bin Progress

[Tewi]

You're certainly not in a clear state of mind, because I didn't say anything you're arguing, actually the opposite. YOU'RE the one who said others' experiences aren't real, I said that claiming anyone's experiences "aren't real" is an absurdity, and that applies to yours too.
That said, you're saying a lot of strange things in line with psychosis, or schizophrenia, which is what the last few posters are commenting on. It's not that anyone is saying your experiences aren't real, but that the things you're saying about your experiences are lacking coherency, it's not clear where they're coming from or why.

 

And that is not you failing to explain them well enough. It's only an indicator of your state of mind - which is, disorderly - so people are sharing their comments about this development (not good to see happen), but again, we are not saying anything about the legitimacy of anyone's experiences (well, except that all personal experiences are legitimate to the person having them)

 

I would still try to make an appointment with a psychiatrist, therapist, or even a normal doctor, though. You've clearly had an episode that threw your brain into disarray to the extent we all could tell pretty clearly all of a sudden, which is rather urgent. While tulpas can absolutely get wrapped up in disorders and such, simply being a tulpamancer does not mean you can write off any mental illness or episodes of psychosis etc. as "just tulpamancy". A tulpa, and a chaotic, distraught mind are two different things, and you can have the former without the latter. It might take an antipsychotic, but you should hopefully still be able to interact with them fine on most, just with a less chaotic mind - I only know antipsychotics to potentially make visualization slightly harder, but they're invaluable in returning peace of mind, so it may be necessary even just for your internal life.

(And it's not very doctor-approved advice, but, if you try an antipsychotic and it clearly cuts you off entirely from your tulpa, you can stop taking it and request to try a different one, simply saying it made you feel bad or such - I've known several systems who take antipsychotics and it by no means "disables tulpamancy" or anything of the sort, so if it does it's just that particular one that sucks and you can ask to change)

Edited January 9 by Tewi

[Bin]

Sorry, I wrote that assuming someone still cared about me. You're right, I'm mistaken. You won't hear from me again.

[Ranger]

I prefer cocreation instead of tulpamancy and cobud instead of tulpa

 

People are expressing nervousness, so I want to chime in for anyone reading this.

 

This is traumamancy. When you look at trauma through cocreation lens, it can be easy to mistake traumagenic experiences with cocreation ones. It's really obvious to me that all of this is trauma related- the self-harm, fear, etc. But when you mix the two together, things can get kind of weird.

 

Scarlet reminds me of Stars a lot. More specifically, The Architect, one of Stars' median clones. While Stars doesn't call himself a cobud (he's reconsidering dæmon), his behavior and experiences can apply to a cobud too. Stars wants to represent the unconscious mind, and The Architect represents the deeper unconscious mind.

 

This opens us up to some really interesting experiences. Through auto-hypnosis (probably), we are open to suggestions that spew out of Stars' mouth. And when Stars says for example, this symbol represents a brain part, don't break it, we believe him. Stars also does weird things like open up secret trap doors or access "files", and we just roll with it. It does produce results. And not too long ago, Dream, another clone, managed to influence a dream just by wanting to.

 

As a side note, Stars doesn't have any magic powers we couldn't do ourselves. We just decided as a system we wanted Stars to be associated with this stuff. Additionally, Stars being associated with it vs us doing it ourselves doesn't really matter from a trauma perspective, which I'll get into soon.

 

Stars has trauma- enough for him to have his own alter. He's the oldest headmate, aside from Gray. And of course, he's more sensitive to Gray's self-hatred because his sense of self is more entangled with Gray's.

 

Given Stars' associations with "unconscious mind powers", when he's triggered, things get really weird. Our trauma parts can be really hostile towards one another, and Stars is no exception. So you can have weird stuff like for example, The Architect violating boundaries or ripping out parts of Gray (this actually happened), all unconsciously by the way. Of course, Gray invented the weird unconscious symbolism complicated crap, so the Architect is at risk of getting harmed or would get hurt by Gray's trauma parts (or sometimes my own) retaliating against him. 

 

It also doesn't matter that The Architect is a separate entity associated with these "powers". If it wasn't The Architect doing this, it would be Gray's trauma parts. Headmate on headmate would just be Gray on Gray. It doesn't matter. Taking these "powers" from The Architect would just make everyone more stressed out and not change anything otherwise.

 

What's the solution to this unconscious "psychic warfare"? Trauma work. We find a lot of these issues come from trauma parts getting scared, and working things out and using therapy tools fixes the problems we get. That time he ripped out parts of Gray? He was overwhelmed by cleaning up Gray's mess, and he was ripping out the parts that amplified Gray causing damage to stuff. We eventually worked out a solution, and The Architect is happier for it. Gray also integrated his parts.

 

---

 

Thus, when I read Bin's experiences, I both feel badly and want to facepalm at the same time. This stuff can get really weird. Complicated, identity-disturbing self-harm is scary. But this is fixable. This isn't a creepy pasta or anything ridiculous like that, this is traumamancy that's just really ugly.

 

I'm not sure if Bin left, but if he's reading this, please go to a psych ward. If you feel you can't control what's going on, that's a problem. We went to a psych ward because one of Gray's alters made us feel unsafe. We were then able to deal with it and fix it, knowing we would be okay.

 

I also recommend getting a therapist for traumagenic plurality at this point. Even having someone who's job is to monitor your system is a good idea. Plus, you should probably do some trauma work if you can.

 

As for Koomer- my impression is that's more drug related, but mental health seems to be a factor as well.

 

Ultimately, if you have mental health issues, make sure you have a safety net when practicing cocreation. A therapist, medications, a support system, etc. These problems are preventable, even when things get kind of weird.

 

Oh, and don't do illegal drugs. Just don't. That won't help anything.

[Wildblume]

6 hours ago, Bin said:

Sorry, I wrote that assuming someone still cared about me. You're right, I'm mistaken. You won't hear from me again.

 

What makes this unfortunate series of events depressing to me is that you're one of the old ones, somebody who remembers that brief moment in time when tulpamancy was not about switching and self-inflicted dissociative identity disorder, but about meditation, imagination and fully immersive 3D companionship. If this were about anybody else, I wouldn't care as much. Please don't let the self-hatred consume you.

[fennecfoxx]

Bin, if you see this, I want to make an important point:

 

You can absolutely walk away from this.

 

Furthermore, I believe you should, if it becomes harmful to the point that it can't be made healthy without stepping away, at least temporarily, and that's clearly the case here.

 

Tulpamancy was honestly traumatic for me the first time around. I was mentally unhealthy to begin with, we internalized harmful beliefs, and the system that was once an imaginary world and its inhabitants became a dysfunctional mess that often made me feel guilty for being a "bad host" and resentful that I'd gotten into this practice. I also spent most of those years in a relationship with a tulpamancer I met on IRC that was just as toxic as some of our in-system relationships.

 

After seven miserable years of tulpamancy, I finally convinced myself the whole thing was a delusion and called it quits. I avoided anything that reminded me of my tulpas or tulpamancy in general and suppressed any thoughts of them. I longed to daydream for fun again, like I did prior to tulpamancy, but refused to entertain the thought for fear of creating accidental tulpas, or, at least, characters who seem autonomous enough to make me doubt my newfound tulpatheism (for lack of a better word). I struggled with persistent and frightening intrusive thoughts; while the thoughts themselves were not tulpa-related, I believe I previously handled the bulk of my intrusive thoughts by unconsciously attributing them to my tulpas and took them as legitimate responses, and it left me terrifyingly unprepared for what would happen when I only had my own self to attribute the thoughts to.

 

After a couple years, I stumbled across a couple daydreaming-related subreddits, poked around for a bit, and came across the inevitable mention of tulpamancy. I forced myself to engage with it again—not the practice, hell no, but I read posts, blogs, and articles. I began to refine my concept of what tulpamancy really was. I read the cautionary tales that had come out by this point and shared my own. I was angry that this community had lured in a naive autistic child (me) with claims that their daydreams and the imaginary characters within them were real and special only to cause severe psychological harm and years of my life to be wasted, but I was done being afraid of an idea—a delusion—that I feared one stray thought might shatter the singlethood I'd finally reclaimed and send me right back to old ways. Getting over that fear meant exposing myself to the subject once again and building up an understanding of the phenomenon more solid than sticking my fingers in my ears and saying tulpas aren't real.

 

For a short time, I took an intellectual interest in tulpamancy and considered trying again with a healthier mindset, as another here had done. I still had an uneasy relationship with the whole thing, though, so I decided it wasn't worth the risk (given my history), and my interest was short-lived. I did, however, strike up a friendship with another old member I'd met on IRC back in the early days, and we stayed in touch offsite.

 

A few more years pass, and I came back to this site to beg for forgiveness from said person after he blocked me on WhatsApp over something ridiculous and said he'd still be here if I ever needed to reach him. I should have seen that as a huge red flag our friendship was devolving into something toxic, but I digress. I started lurking, then posting, since people here seemed pretty reasonable. My interest in tulpamancy was renewed, and I further refined my beliefs and worked through some of my remaining anxiety. I also started exploring lucid dreaming again and fantasized about using dreams to connect with our old wonderland and its residents again in a psychologcally "safe" way.

 

Then, the thing I'd once dreaded happened: my two oldest tulpas, Kayleigh and Alex, spontaneously returned. Reuniting with them was as exciting as it was terrifying.

 

Now, you may be thinking, "Isn't that proof you can never walk away?"

 

Well, maybe. But I walked away from the hell tulpamancy was for us and never came back. We spent time working out an understanding of the nature of our system, how we relate to one another, and how we want to function, taking such things into account. We discussed our past and the associated trauma. I believed I had been harmed by the community and the beliefs that were once vehemently pushed, but didn't consider that our system itself could cause me trauma, because it was all in my head and having trauma caused by my own imagination was silly. Still, I worried that my tulpas may have been affected by such trauma. They agreed that we had in-system trauma but insisted—to my surprise—that I was the one who suffered the most.

 

Imagine my surprise.

 

I don't know exactly why things went so wrong the first time around, but we believe our system was heavily influenced by damaging beliefs, intrusive thoughts which were attributed to headmates and not questioned, an overactive imagination in general, and expectations, often formed from fear or guilt, that reinforced themselves every time my headmates acted in accordance with them. Those years during which I insisted on being the sole occupant of my head were necessary for me to radically restructure my (our) belief system, better understand my own mind, and re-approach plurality in a new, healthier way. The three of us now coexist in a way that's mutually beneficial rather than destructive, and they don't hold my years-long attempt to be a singlet against me, as it's very likely we would not have 

 

I didn't mean to stay up past 4am traumadumping on the progress report of someone who may never read this, but here I am. Anyway, I have a point to make, and that's that walking away is possible and even advisable, at least as a temporary measure, if tulpamancy has warped into something that is by nature traumatic.

 

It's hard to do. Believe me, I know. But, as things are now, remaining with your tulpa is clearly harmful—dangerous, even—for both of you. You don't have to abandon her entirely, and I'm not telling you to, but you two need time apart from one another. Tell yourself this is all a lie, send her on a vacation to a tulpa-only area of the wonderland or the astral realm, do whatever you need to do to reclaim your life from her. Take the time to get yourself in order and critically think about what went wrong when you're in a headspace where you can analyze it rationally, however long that may take.

 

You need to be your priority here. I say that not only for your own sake, but hers as well.

[Bin]

Hello. It's been a while. I've been thinking. A lot.

 

I created a discord server as a support group. I expected nothing of it, and now it's thriving, it's actually somehow more popular than the two servers of my close friends, combined. They helped me a lot, it was a safe place, for broken people like me.

 

And it made me realize how utterly, disgusting selfish you all are.

 

Not once do you ask me why Scarlet is the way she is. Not once do you ask why I feel the way I do about her. I am not something to be understood, to be loved, to be helped. No, I'm an animal to be fixed, to be propped up, to be made an example of, to be stomped out should I "scare" you too much, should I become a "bad example" of fucking TALKING TO YOURSELF. You tell yourselves you're good people, and you break everyone who isn't as stable as you, because you believe you do good when you snuff out suffering.

 

Have you ever actually, I dunno, asked why Scarlet is as neurotic as she is? Have you ever wondered that maybe, just maybe, she isn't the problem, but just a dark reflection of myself, a reflection that has to exist there to keep me in order, keep me in line, keep me safe? That I've asked for help already, many times, and all I get is poisoned and sick and bossed around and hurt. And she is the manifestation of the very angst of the hurt I've experienced all my life?

 

No, you refuse to believe I'm hurt. I'm a fool, a troll, a bad example, someone to be hated, someone to be scorned for being who I am. You hate me. Don't worry, I know you're busy telling yourself "Ha! I cannot hate! You must be delusional, time to make an example of you!" It's okay, I know your kind, I know who you are. Appearances are everything, even worth more than a human soul.

 

Scarlet and I are better friends than ever before. I'm a bit of a celebrity now, if you haven't noticed. I'm not trying to be egotistical, the last place I'd ever want to be known is in a community about being delusional. And yet, every time I post in r/tulpas, all I get are "your advice saved me!", "it was the most inspirational thing I've ever read!", I constantly get random DMs thanking me for helping them.

 

None of you are worth even a hair on Scarlet's head. You abandoned her, you hated her. You're nothing.

[Saruzer]

Congrats ig. Have no idea behind the lore of your personality so, whatever makes you feel better man