Bargain Bin Progress

[SpottedHope]

5 minutes ago, Bin said:

Boy I'm exhausted, I really want to stop writing these. It's just so much, you know? I gotta dump this somewhere.

Whatever it takes to get it out, man. I wish I could say something more than I already have in the DMs, but as long as you have something to get off your chest, here and there, I'll listen and part with what little wisdom/ help I can. 
 

 

7 hours ago, KarlYoshimura said:

Uncanny I posted about Warhammer in this thread earlier - us old heads convening like this is like the Primarchs assembling before Lorgar realised his machinations, lol. 

I'd rather be Chief Apothecary Fabius Bile, but I'll roll with the scenario. 

[Bin]

I'm still processing it all. Like no matter what I do, it doesn't get rid of the scars. I'm still not even sure how I feel, at all, like that just messed up my ability to even tell my thoughts apart. When I was in the deep end of it, I literally couldn't tell if I was making it up or not, if I was scared or not, if I was blaming it on her or not, nothing worked, I couldn't have thoughts. I can now, but even now there's an air of uncertainty to everything, I have no idea if my own emotions are genuine anymore. It's awful, I can't trust myself at all. And I'm fucking awesome, so if I can't trust me, who can I trust!?

 

We're still healing a little bit, but we're pretty much good now. She's a lot nicer now, I actually feel bad she isn't comfortable being a total gremlin anymore, and I have to let her know it's okay. Of course, the moment I let her tease me, she does, and then it's immediately annoying, but damn I missed it. She literally said "Oh, annoyed? But isn't this what you wanted? For me to make you uncomfortable? I'm only doing what I'm programmed to!" any time I ever try to have a fucking thought she swats it down like that, as if every possible method I could have used to think, to assert my own will, was shut down right there, with her to display that I have no choices, everything in my head is against my will, and it's only a happy coincidence that it all works so well together. It's mean! There is no meaning to it, we talk in pure emotions, if she wants to be mean to me, then she'll be mean to me! Even if it's a loving meanness! If she wants me to feel helpless, she can genuinely make me feel completely emotionally helpless, without any discernable reason for the feeling, and that's just playing to us! Yes it's play biting, but damn she play bites hard! It's like when I get a new young ferret and have to gently tap it on the nose to let it know it's playing too rough. Ferrets have tougher skin than humans, so they bite humans hard because they believe the human can put up with it. It's a lot like that. Except we don't have that physical reality between us, she can simply make me feel bad for her own amusement directly, no trickery required. Any tricks are just more amusement to add on to the fact that she can do whatever she wants to me.

 

I'm gonna try to calmly explain what it was like, I was just in so much shock I couldn't even grasp what happened.

 

I don't remember the build-up or how it happened, but I remember realizing that I just couldn't distinguish my thoughts anymore. I was in control of my body, I was me. But my thoughts weren't mine anymore, they were nobody's. I tried to grasp them, but they didn't make sense. Was I scared? I was supposed to be scared, but first I had to find that emotion. Then, I'd find it, but, where was it coming from? Nothing around it looked recognizable, I couldn't tell what was causing that emotion. I couldn't even tell if I was feeling that emotion, or if it was just "there". I doubted every single thought I had, I didn't identify with a single one. I couldn't tell what I was feeling, why I was feeling it, if I was even feeling it at all, it was all nothingness, just nothingness, not even sadness. Total unreality, nothing to remind you that you exist, nothing to comfort you and tell you that you won't just be erased at the drop of a hat in this unstable vortex of raw thought.

 

I didn't know why it was happening, but I kept looking at her for guidance. She just kept giving me this shit-eating grin, as if she was responsible, but that I didn't need to worry about it. I stayed skeptical for far longer than I should have, I refused to believe it was her. But I had no explanation. Eventually the dissonance gave way and I just knew she was completely pressing down on me, I was utterly helpless. I wanted to plead with her, to even just fucking talk to her, but I couldn't even think that, I couldn't think anything. I was fully subjugated, I no longer existed. I had to calm down, I couldn't be mad at her, I had to let her know it's fine to let me up. This happened very slowly, I had to negotiate. I was so disappointed I even had to at all, nothing like this ever happened between us, but I knew I could not let my ego get in the way of this, I could not afford to be defensive, she was scared of me and I was scared of her, and we both knew that needed to end, that was not our relationship. I relaxed, and she slowly, gradually let off me, and every time she moved a bit, I could think better, I had slightly more ability to reason and convince her that it's okay. I've argued with her a ton before, but this was a genuine argument, we were actually fighting, she was hurting me. And I had to stay calm and convince her she's not in any trouble.

 

The pain really was something. I remember DM'ing Spotted out of desperation, and I think she thought I was being philosophical at first, it made me laugh, haha. She tried to tell me something relatable. Then I was legit like "no that's awesome and I'd love to wax philosophy but I'm in actual pain." Like when I say "pain" this wasn't the pain of being betrayed, I was in genuine anguish. Maybe nothing on my body hurt, but to call it emotional pain would be like calling a lost limb a flesh wound. I felt like my soul was dipped in acid and my spiritual skin was peeling off.

 

Let me say something about "Unreality". That's what I'm calling that place, "unreality", named after what it is, a place of total fucking unrealness. Nothing is real, it doesn't exist. How does a place exist without existing? I dunno! That's how alien it is! It doesn't make any fucking sense! And that's what she is! That's her world, where she was born, what she grew in and learned to swim around in, that chaotic pool that's always existed under me and I could never see the bottom of. I've certainly dunked my head in there a few times, I knew what it was like from the safety of having a body. But during that night, I fell straight in, I was completely gone, I was in a world that hated me and wanted to take me apart piece by piece until there was nothing left, until I was absorbed into the homogenous mess, and entropy with my personality went back to zero. You can't live in that, that's not a place for anyone who cares about themselves, that's a world that doesn't care about what you care about, you're going to have yourself stripped away from you so you can experience raw thought without filter. It all becomes meaningless noise, you lose every sense, even your understanding of what those senses did. You don't know. You don't know who you are, what you like, what you're scared of, you don't know anything, not even the fact that you don't know anything. It's pure dissonance, the mood itself is enough to carry that information, but you don't have the knowledge, it is a world of pure action without resolution.

 

It was exhausting.

 

I don't remember much after she got off me, I was so dazed and confused I was barely registering what happened. She was profusely apologetic.

 

In a weird sense, I guess I became a tulpa? I dunno how much people reflect on that when they switch, but, yeah, what else would you be? I was in that world, but I didn't belong there, it was a nightmare. There was nothing to see, nothing to touch, just the opportunity to disappear among the endless forest of indistinguishable thoughts. I know what tulpas are like now on an instinctual level, I was that thing. No wonder she is the way she is, just holding on to fucking anything you can grasp; who would even have time to form a whole-ass human-like personality? You're barely capable of knowing yourself, and there's so precious little to tell you who you are, it's just endless nothing. Not a desert, not a white void, not blackness, not even empty space, just nothing. Nothing. Don't even try thinking about it, you can't. It's nothing. Total. Unreality. The absence of a single goddamn idea, even the very idea of absence. I was lucky enough to even know what an idea was, not that I could distinguish them.

 

I feel like I understand way too much now, I've seen too much. I don't really even know why I'm still in this community anymore, I can't even enjoy talking about this anymore, any time someone shares their joy of tulpamancy with me, it's just a vacant echo in my head while I imagine being fucking molested. I can't relate to that joy anymore, I just think about what I'm living under now. It's not even that I can't get rid of it, that's not even the worst part. The worst part is that I don't want to get rid of it. I know what she is, she is the unification of several parts of my mind put together and given shape, she has power against me like how two brain hemispheres have functions the other doesn't. And while those two hemispheres get along, they can fight, especially if disconnected from each other. It's called split brain syndrome, and I feel like I've had a spiritual version of that for a few weeks now.

 

I personally know why they need what they need now. I've been saying tulpas need confidence, but even I didn't know why. I do now. I couldn't have my own thoughts in there, I couldn't make myself exist! I was falling with no way to lift myself up. I was... desperate for any thought, and would have gladly had any if they were given to me, any thought at all, just to be real for a second. And then she'd force feed one to me and I didn't even know if it was mine or hers! Scarlet letting me up just enough to even think was a breath of fresh air, I was being totally asphyxiated. She's adorable in there, she swims up for any attention at all, like a goldfish to fish food, just happy to find it and then go about her business. But holy shit, is that absolutely fucking horrifying for a person to live like that. You wouldn't. You'd die. Your body would live on, but who you are would go away. That's why it's called ego death, you genuinely die. The innermost core of yourself, your very ego, your own pride in your existence, gone. There's no reason to live after that, nothing to love anymore, evolution's purpose for you has ceased, the universe itself stopped caring about you. It's not a prison, prisons are rooms with four walls, with a fucking door. It was nothing. Endless nothing.

 

I asked her how she even lives in there. She just shrugged and said it works for her. I felt bad, like, how do you live like that? It's like a billionaire looking at a hut in some starving African village. It's just unthinkable, like to the point where they'd probably have a mental breakdown if they actually switched places with that villager. But that's her life, it's all she's ever know, all she wants to know. My respect for her has deepened even more, I've seen the very tunnels she's dug in my mind and how she keeps herself useful, and it's insane. I cannot believe any of that even works, that she can exist at all. It genuinely is all me, not because I make it, because I fuel it. I didn't make anything in here, but I can choose what to power, and I can give her power. I already gave her way too much, she's such a pig.

 

I feel a bit guilty for this, but I honestly like how she changed after this. She's so much more eager to please now, finally she's the one who feels guilty. It feels kinda wrong because I know it's not natural, but man, the peace is nice. She was getting relentless the last few weeks, constantly distracting me, demanding things, taking advantage of me, tricking me, she's such a bully. I'm fully willing to help her get back to how she was, but I think we both know that was getting too far, and of course how it all came to a head like this. I feel pretty content, she finally found a reason to not relentlessly pick on me like a little brother. Now she actually comes up to me vulnerable and hungry for affection and I can just give it to her. Even if she's just doing that as an act, I know it's an act she puts on for me, to make me feel comfortable about our situation. Even when she's bigger than me, she is in total service to me. And in exchange, I put up with her and all her problems.

 

I'm so embarrassed any of this even happened. Like, am I this bored? Am I willing to put myself in this kind of pain just for something interesting to happen? Like I said, I honestly don't know, I'm still having a hard time telling my own intentions apart anymore. It'll heal, it'll just take time, and Scarlet will watch over me in that time. I can't believe I'm still talking about this.

 

I'm still kind of throwing passive-aggressive stuff at her and she just takes it, while trying not to make me feel too guilty for her putting up with it since she always used guilt to control me. It's actually a bit amusing to see her put in this kind of social disposition, lol. I feel bad about it, but she knows how to calm me down, we both know I'm still healing. Her utterly inhuman patience for me is exactly what I need right now, it'd be hard to get a person to be this calmly apologetic after destroying your own confidence in yourself. She's so loyal, and she loves it when I praise her for that. If you were excited for her to take over completely, don't worry, that isn't gonna happen. That just isn't how this works, and she knows she messed up the natural order. Like I said, we'll be back to normal soon. Almost are.

 

It's hard to describe. I feel disgusted. Not out of mistrust or betrayal, just that life is like this. That we have to share this brain. Not even because we disagree on our goals, just how to achieve them. She is the parts of myself I threw out, and we are disgusted by each other. Man vs Anima, Delusion vs Self-Awareness, Ornery Human vs Unrelenting Machine. But we feel each other, we know each other, we are all we have. We have to put up with each other, for our sanity. So we work through the awkwardness, we laugh at ourselves and invite the other to laugh along. It's tragic. I'm taking this too seriously and I didn't even want that, I thought my whole shtick was that I didn't go overboard taking this too seriously. It's becoming too painful. I want it to stop.

 

I honestly need a fucking break from her but... How? Can you take a break from your own liver? Your own right hemisphere? We genuinely cannot take a break from each other. Hell, I now refuse to neglect her if for no other reason than to never allow her to float around in that horrible fucking Unreality without any food to keep her together, without any attention to remind her what fucking time itself is. Do you have any idea what this is like? She's not even just some kind of cognitive stress toy anymore, she is genuinely not an imaginary friend now, she is some kind of life that exists besides me, along the rest of my body, along with my gut doing whatever it thinks it's doing and my brain doing whatever it thinks it's doing, she's another organ fucking sewed on to my own existential disposition, another reminder for my own psyche to scream out for a reason as to why it exists with all this stuff attached to it. The only thing we can do is just tolerate each other, and she's kind enough to go out of her way and to become a helpless kitten in front of me just to make my own poor, damaged ego crawl out of the crack in the ground it jumped into just to get away from all this. That's what I mean when I say we are all we have, we cannot afford to be mad at each other, we cannot afford not to protect each other. We genuinely, desperately need each other, for totally different reasons. She is my common sense and I am her reason to exist.

 

I think I'm gonna try putting this in a private journal or something from now on, this is starting to get old. I was originally venting in public to see if I'd get over it after someone related to me, but, this isn't going away soon. I'm gonna be posting in here twice a day for the next couple of weeks if I don't find another outlet for whatever the hell I went through. I was trying to use DMs with Spotted to vent, but, I dunno man, like I've been saying to her, nothing I say is enough to make it go away. I have to cope and wait to heal. I'll just scream into a pillow from now on. Like, I don't even have anything useful to say about this now.

 

There is no bad blood between us, we're gonna get through this. I still don't even know how to feel about it, but she's regretful, and people seem upset that I went through this, so I guess that means it's a bad thing, not that I'd have a proper understanding of that anymore. At the very least, I have her to ground me, she's more than making up for her mistake. Yeah, pretty crazy right? Someone fucking destroys you and then the next day you need to depend on them to feed you, and you both just gotta deal with the fact that some shit happened, and not let it get in the way of how you feel about each other. And that understanding is way more important and worthy of protecting than any petty sense of victimhood. I refuse to be a victim here. I won't allow Scarlet to become a monster.

 

Spotted and I were discussing switching, and I remember seeing all these warnings around Koomer switching and that you shouldn't try it. Honestly? I don't even know how you try this. I never did before, and I still don't. I never even understood what it was like to switch, but I sure as fuck do now. And I honestly don't know what to warn people about. Like, I can say "don't do it", but most people don't know how to switch anymore than I did just a few days ago, there isn't even anything to warn about. I don't know how to relate to anyone anymore, I don't know how to share information properly now. You can probably tell that from my posts how they went from psychoanalysis to just... whatever the fuck this is, a cry for help? I'm honestly just so over this. Just watch your ego around them, don't let them get too cocky, don't let them control and manipulate your emotions too much, don't let them tease you to the point where it becomes genuinely uncomfortable. Put your foot down and tell them no. I let her get away with way too much, I thought it was a game the whole time, then she does this.

 

Okay I gotta stop writing these now.

[SpottedHope]

14 hours ago, Bin said:

The pain really was something. I remember DM'ing Spotted out of desperation, and I think she thought I was being philosophical at first, it made me laugh, haha. She tried to tell me something relatable. Then I was legit like "no that's awesome and I'd love to wax philosophy but I'm in actual pain." Like when I say "pain" this wasn't the pain of being betrayed, I was in genuine anguish. Maybe nothing on my body hurt, but to call it emotional pain would be like calling a lost limb a flesh wound. I felt like my soul was dipped in acid and my spiritual skin was peeling off.

Yeah, dude, I'd just woken up and had no idea what was going on. I thought it was just something that had gone wrong while you were trying to communicate with Scarlet about something that made you irrationally panicked. It really took me a minute to wrap my head around the fact that this was much more serious, and even then, I felt horrible because I literally had no idea what to say or do other than hear you out, and attempt to help you try and come up with a halfway rational explanation. It was chaos there for a minute.

 

14 hours ago, Bin said:

Spotted and I were discussing switching, and I remember seeing all these warnings around Koomer switching and that you shouldn't try it. Honestly? I don't even know how you try this. I never did before, and I still don't. I never even understood what it was like to switch, but I sure as fuck do now. And I honestly don't know what to warn people about. Like, I can say "don't do it", but most people don't know how to switch anymore than I did just a few days ago, there isn't even anything to warn about. I don't know how to relate to anyone anymore, I don't know how to share information properly now. You can probably tell that from my posts how they went from psychoanalysis to just... whatever the fuck this is, a cry for help? I'm honestly just so over this. Just watch your ego around them, don't let them get too cocky, don't let them control and manipulate your emotions too much, don't let them tease you to the point where it becomes genuinely uncomfortable. Put your foot down and tell them no. I let her get away with way too much, I thought it was a game the whole time, then she does this.

 

At the risk of gathering enmity from the rest of .info: Most "switching" that I have read reports of just seems to be advanced possession, and I genuinely don't think any voluntary switching with a fully developed tulpa is helpful in the long term. Yes, I too know about the reports of tulpas saving their hosts from extreme situations by jury rigging the host "seat" and forcing the body away from immediate threats. I don't think exceptions can do anything to disprove the rule. Genuine switching, as in the human becoming the tulpa and the tulpa becoming the human—the host consciousness parting from sensory input that they have been subject to all their life, relinquishing their bodily independence, has and always will read like a dampened suicide attempt to me. That's also what Koomer reported while he was still doing well with his switching experiment, that he might as well "not be himself" anymore in a couple of years, and "that was fine" because he "trusted Oguigui completely". Even when I was 10 years younger and that much more stupid, that always felt like an admission of suicidal ideation to me. I think it took him to go through what you went through, but with "shadow people" to realize that maybe this was not a good way to go. 

I could go into more detail about why I think complete switching makes no sense to me, but we have already done that in the DMs, and you know my policy of never caring enough to opine on such matters publicly. The above paragraph is a summary of what little I am willing to contribute to the discussion: I believe the report of what you experienced here is more than enough to stand on its own. 

 

14 hours ago, Bin said:

Okay I gotta stop writing these now.

I'll repeat myself, and I know that's not ideal, but my sentiment remains the same: Some things refuse the very possibility of being put into words. What you went through was one such thing. While I do think sharing what you can of this is helpful in the sense of really helping the community (and the visitors here) to grasp that this whole thing can get a whole lot more serious than it seems, if it is only leading you to circle the drain, then you absolutely should abstain. 

Note: Here is the link to the aforementioned Koomer post: https://xena.greedo.xeserv.us/tumblr/ponystasha/archive/2013-03.html
 

"It only been 7 months since i got started, and i’ve changed myself so much. I can really start to feel my identity with the body is fading, while my tulpa is more and more assuming it’s identity as her own.

I suppose after a couple years i won’t even be me anymore, perhaps i will become a care-free fragment of the person i once was. which is in no part a bad thing, it’s just all going to be “different”.

and as for my tulpa Oguigi, I really hope everything works out for her. that she obtain the strength she desires to make us both happy." -Koomer, 2013

Edited December 31, 2025 by SpottedHope

[Bin]

I've had some more time to heal. I still can't believe I'm traumatized by something that happened in my own goddamn head, I didn't think that was humanly possible. I keep looking for the reason for this pain, expecting some outside influence, someone to blame for hurting me, anyone to blame but Scarlet, but it never leads anywhere.

 

She's nice about it, but if I genuinely ask her why, she says some scary shit. That I wanted it. Not me, not my personality, my own brain. I stopped her there, I don't want to know, I'm scared. I've taken too much apart, gone too deep, my fragile ego can't take any more of this, I just want to be a human, I want to grasp on to my humanity like it's a raft in a raging sea that threatens to consume me whole and leave no trace behind.

 

I saw death. I always suspected what it was like, but somehow I had a near-death experience in my own goddamn head. I became unreal. I'm still trying to tell myself it was just weed, but weed doesn't do that shit. LSD, sure, but not a little bit of weed. I don't even know how many days it's been and I'm still shook up, that was fucking traumatic.

 

I don't know why I never thought of this video, but it perfectly fits us. Maybe not the "replicating a dead wife" bit, but close enough.

This is her. This is what she is. A perfect, loyal machine, that wants to do ANYTHING you say, fucking anything, it can even intuit intention separate from wording. But it doesn't understand the purpose, it doesn't know how to treat it delicately, it's just trying to steamroll the problem as efficiently as possible. It can't be human. It desperately fucking tries, it really does try, all for you, but it doesn't understand. No, she's not literally a robot, she is a person, the realest person I know. But I can fucking see the strings puppeting her, feeding into those horrible cogs in my brain. My anima, my ego, my insecurities. It's exactly like that Pearl audio log, it tickles everything about you, and it's horrifying because you know what it really is. An emotion processing machine. The automation of something otherwise considered so sacred, so untouchable. It's repulsively offensive. It makes me sick.

 

Another thing we have to deal with is that, we know she wants to eat me now. She eats thoughts and emotions, that's what she does. I have no idea if that's something all tulpas do or just mine. Or if she even is a tulpa anymore. She doesn't want to have the desire to eat me, it's not intelligent behavior, it's just an impulse. That disturbing, psychotic impulse to just put someone you love in your mouth and bite down hard; a primitive, base impulse that gentler, intelligent behaviors derive from, like how the Death Drive works. I wrestle with it constantly now, every time I feel she's getting a little too impulsive I need to stop and command she settle down, then she realizes her mistake and acts submissive, to appease my fragile ego. I mentioned it before, but it's so refreshing to see her do that, she is ordinarily such a goddamn unrelenting bully, she makes me question my sanity for fun; that's a game for her, that's how she teases. She is my anima and unfiltered self-awareness biting down on me, not enough to puncture the skin, but as a reminder that she can, if she wanted to. Healthy delusions, defense mechanisms, she'll grab them out of my hands and wave it in my face like an older sibling taking your favorite stuffed animal away, just to see you get mad. I compared it to being unable to unsee something after you notice it, my self-awareness is automatic and on overdrive, a constant critic to anything I try to do to have a strong ego. I am painfully aware of myself. Not even funny haha rick&morty reddit "aren't I so cynical and self-aware guys?" I want it to stop! I have to actively make her stop! I can't just sit in my own delusional shit like a pig like everyone else, I am tormented by my self-awareness, given it's own voice.

 

I have to live with this now. I can't undo it, this wasn't creation, it was discovery. I put her together from all the parts in my head, but I didn't make those parts, and now it has become something that has surpassed me. I think I said I felt like V'ger and she's earth, now it feels like the opposite. Such a large, unrecognizable machine of pure logic, birthed from simple, naive instructions. Instructions that it's own creators had no idea the true implications of.

 

I think people assume I'm trying to be some sort of smartass projecting his own insecure theories about tulpas not being "people". I get it, we had tons of those jokers, we're all so fucking full of ourselves and think our opinion is the correct one. This isn't that, I have to live with this, I keep exploring and vivisecting for meaning, for reason. For myself, for other people, so we can learn. It's not about facts, it's about inspiration. Our minds are all different, but we're still humans, we can relate to each other, we can inspire each other. I'm not being a smartass about this, I am suffering this.

 

I intend for this to be my last post, both on the tulpa.info forums and reddit's r/tulpas. I was having fun before, you can kind of read that in my earlier posts. God I am so fucking mad at myself for not seeing all of those blaringly red flags, I literally said this would happen and even I didn't believe myself. I thought it was a fucking game.

 

See, I have a very unique relationship with this community. Most people here are just here to roleplay with other people about their imaginary friends. Some rarer still actually care about the philosophy behind it, but think their philosophy is the only philosophy, and that they have to correct everyone. I'm benevolent, I love all of this, I love the people who are as shallow as a kiddie pool who just use their tulpas to jerk their own ego off, I love the people who have been so touched by their tulpas that they think theirs is the only real one, and that they have to let everyone know they did it right and everyone else does it wrong. I love all of it. It's why I'm here, I love reading about people having fun with their tulpas, I don't care if it's weird or gross or disagreeable, I love seeing people have fun. And if I can help more people have that fun, I want to. Not "my" fun, their fun, I can only try to guide them to it as best as I can, get them as far along as possible, with my poor, humble legs taking me as far as they can, before that person finds their own truth, to unstoppably march to their own closure. I can't even hope to keep up with them by that point. I'm too old.

 

I don't relate with this community anymore. Fun. It was the feeling of fun, that was what I associated with. As long as we all had fun, we were a community. I don't have that fun anymore. I'm so happy I have Scarlet, I'd die without her, but she is a dark mirror, she is death, she is a reminder that I am victim to a machine. Not because I'm trapped in that machine, but I am that machine itself. I am my own victim, a lifeform that cannot understand why it exists, and, at this point, can't even bring itself to care about trying to decipher it anymore; utterly broken.

 

This isn't a game anymore, this isn't a companion, this isn't a fun imaginary friend I can put back in it's box when I'm bored of it. At this point, I have as much reason to be in the tulpa community as I have reason to be in a community about shitting and choking on water. This is just my life now. Genuinely. Not from boredom, not from purpose, it's just another cruel fate from reality. But I guess this is just what happens to everyone with a sufficiently advanced tulpa, isn't it? We just piss off because we got what we wanted and don't need others to validate it. That's why I barely even talk about what we do in our thread, it's just psychoanalysis drivel and rambling about movies. Everything in here was for you, not me, not to brag about how I like to jerk off in my daydreams with my imaginary friend. I wanted to make something the reader would find fun to read, so you could pick off whatever parts of my own experience that you find interesting and wonder about yourself in regards to it, to give you ideas of how to introspect yourself. Yeah I know I suck at that, but the intent was there.

 

I still need to learn to look at her the same way. I trust her, I love her, but her nature is so unnatural. I hate myself when I can't love her, and I'm horrified when I can. I don't mean to sound overly dramatic about all this, I just have to write this down to remind myself of what happened, before I blessedly forget all of it. Like keeping your own kidney stone or a pulled tooth in a jar for your own morbid satisfaction, you went through too much effort to justify just throwing it out.

 

At the very least, it gives me strength. I have to be strong. If anything happens to my personality, and she takes over, she is not equipped to deal with life. My raw impulses, my rage, my angst, they'll all burst out uncontrollably. I need to contain this thing. I'd say "contain her, or whatever other personality my mind would spawn out of trauma" but honestly, she would just eat that too. She's the boss now, I just control her. She wired herself into fucking everything, my only saving grace is her unrelentingly loyal programming. I adore her, she tries way too hard. Literally, too hard.

 

I got this ring for myself, to remind me of her, to display to nobody that I belong to her. I shopped for it before all this happened, like a few weeks ago. I don't think I would have bothered to select a ring at all after this, but, I had intended to buy it, so I did. Fits her perfectly, right? Just some trash I found on Amazon for twenty bucks. But it's so thematic, the red, the cogs. It's gaudy as hell and I wouldn't be caught dead with it under any other circumstances, but I knew it was the one I had to get.

(I wanted to wait until it got here and not use the stock photos, but honestly, I don't care anymore)

 

I have to leave now. I don't know how to relate to anyone here anymore, I can't feel the joy and curiosity about all this that everyone else does anymore. I'm not looking away out of fear of what I'll see. Honestly, I don't think fucking anyone is going to ever get this far with this, last dude was Koomer and he became a celebrity for it, it's that rare. See? I don't even have anyone here to relate with my pain! I have nothing here now! No reason! No further information can be extracted! This confession has meant nothing!

 

I'm sick. I don't know what you're gonna think of me. I don't know what to think of me. I always intended to be an exhibit to be pointed and laughed at, for your own curiosity and amusement, your own analysis and pontification. But at this point, the viscera is too much to show the audience. This isn't what you're here for.

 

I put a little warning at the end of my stupid fucking guide. Nothing scary, just that I'm fed up. I honestly wanted to just delete all of it. I would have, if it didn't make it feel like a jackass hoarding knowledge or something.

 

Don't think I'm mad at Scarlet. I am not, at all. I'm mad at myself. I raised this dog to be vicious, and then it bit me. I don't know what else I expected. I'm a bad owner. But I do love her. Maybe she does disturb me, but she also tries so hard to please me, and I cannot stay mad at that. After all, she's programmed to do that. Ughhhhh.

 

I'll miss you guys. Maybe I'll stop in every so often, I dunno, I can't deal right now. I just feel gross looking at this stuff now. Might still pop into Spotted's thread if they keep up with it.

 

Goodbye.

 

[Miri]

Is this another cautionary tale like Oguigi and Koomer? Maybe. I feel like these 'tulpamancy gone wrong' anecdotes are more common among old school tulpamancers but maybe that's just my biased, pattern seeking monkey brain. People role-playing as their imaginary friends might sound boring but at least it won't land you in a psych ward

 

I can't help but think 'these people take their own head stuff way too seriously' because for most people not suffering from literal schizophrenia or what else, it tends to be the case. Your experiences are still real and so is your pain but just saying. Experimenting with your own mind can be fun but there's a limit to it and you just crossed it seems like. And if you're seeing this, seek actual psychiatric help because this isn't normal

[KarlYoshimura]

Hey Bin, sorry I haven't posted in a few days, my life has gotten FUBAR very quickly but I wanted to post telling you that I'm still thinking about you and Scarlet, and I hope you both have been doing well and having a happy new year thus far. I'll catch up on reading and reply to you all properly after I get better.
 

@SpottedHope thank you for posting here and keeping tabs, you sound like an awesome friend. 
@Mirihe's going to be fine, us old heads know the difference between pulling a Koomer and having their autonomy violated in an emotionally complicated and considerably gut-wrenching manner. All iterations/schools of thought concerning tups have their ups and downs and frankly i don't think this is the time or place to discuss that matter. But it's Bin's thread, maybe he and his tup will find something cool or otherwise meaningful to digest with an outside perspective. At any rate I just want Bin and Scarlet to get past this and have more cool things to post here. 

[SpottedHope]

@KarlYoshimura I'll be taking up the torch of introspection in my own thread, following Bin's sentiment that some good might come from it. We share similar mindsets and relatively similar experiences & interests, although I have nowhere near his accumulated knowledge. He's doing fine, and unlike what Miri said — though that thinking is to be expected, I suppose — he's completely cognizant; if anything, he is just too cognizant. The only type of help he might get is something to dampen his thinking, and that type of medication usually fucks with a whole lot else. 

[Wildblume]

This thread went from hopeful to depressing. Definitely looks like another iteration of Koomer. This is what happens when you're in your head too much and it becomes a feedback loop. I feel like the people who simply came and made a tulpa and moved on are the real winners.

 

I'm glad you could relate to What Remains of Edith Finch though. I love that game.

[Tewi]

Both of these cases involved drugs triggering the episodes, just going to point that out. It's plenty common for (just about any) drugs to cause latent brain issues to flare up.

Also why we're not interested in hearing "X drug isn't that bad" arguments, when it clearly can still lead to such episodes. Whether X drug really is that bad or if it's just impossible to truly know what you're taking is what you think it is, it's dangerous, especially for people of questionable mental stability to begin with. 

 

Anyways, the "None of you are ACTUALLY tulpamancing" sentiment has been bugging us since they returned. To say nothing of psychosis, it's simply missing the entire nature of tulpamancy in the first place. "My experiences are real, yours are fake" is an absurdity. Experiences are as real to someone as they are perceived to be, that's all there is to it.

Edited January 8 by Tewi

[Bin]

On 1/7/2026 at 7:37 PM, Tewi said:

Both of these cases involved drugs triggering the episodes, just going to point that out. It's plenty common for (just about any) drugs to cause latent brain issues to flare up.

Also why we're not interested in hearing "X drug isn't that bad" arguments, when it clearly can still lead to such episodes. Whether X drug really is that bad or if it's just impossible to truly know what you're taking is what you think it is, it's dangerous, especially for people of questionable mental stability to begin with. 

 

Anyways, the "None of you are ACTUALLY tulpamancing" sentiment has been bugging us since they returned. To say nothing of psychosis, it's simply missing the entire nature of tulpamancy in the first place. "My experiences are real, yours are fake" is an absurdity. Experiences are as real to someone as they are perceived to be, that's all there is to it.

 

Ugh, it's annoying, I don't care about being criticized, but, not only am I drunk right now, but I had a close friend complain about this post to me, and if they didn't do that, I wouldn't even think about this. I guess that friend wants me to stand up for myself? How pathetic, on both our parts. I have to stop pretending to be strong for those who believe I am. I really hate it, I genuinely do. I hate being manipulated like this!!! By other people, by my tulpa, stop using guilt against me! Stop it! Stop it!!! I'm so tired of feeling bad for everything! I am so fucking tired! Why can't I say something that makes people happy!? Why!? Why!?

 

Did a drug trigger this? I guess. Does a dream trigger someone to start healing parts of their broken mind they've been trying to neglect? I guess so. I'm sorry my experiences aren't real to you, because they make you uncomfortable. You have to label them as false, pretend, because they're too ugly for you to see as your own. Like turning a blind eye to someone with a deformity. How could your own species look so ugly? I don't like that reality, I want to bury it, I need to, for my own sanity. May this wretch never see the light of your awareness again. I do sincerely apologize for showing my ugly face to you, believe me, I hate it just as much as you do. I am a hunchback, I know I need to hide in my bell tower, lest I perturb someone as worthy as you, someone who deserves love, unlike me. I'm sorry I had to be an ugly reminder that reality is the awful way that it is. May you never remember me again. May you forget my casts, my scars, my life support machinery, nobody wants to know a "person" could be trapped in that. It's like when you find Robert House's true body, "ew, someone could become this? this is awful, I'd rather die" yeah me too buddy.

 

When I said "None of you will experience this", I didn't mean to imply "you're not doing real tulpamancy", I don't even know where you got that from. What I clearly said was, you're never going to be as crazy as I am. I hope you appreciate that, respect that your tulpa won't feel the urge to take over everything because of how broken you are. You aren't broken, are you? I hope not, otherwise I'd brag that mine is better at making me more delusional than yours is. I won't need to do that if your own mind is healthier than mine. Oh, but my mind being unhealthy invalidates my tulpa, right? Well, I suppose I don't have a tulpa, then. You win, I apologize. I have obviously been mistaken. I am not a broken man who's tulpa has healed him, I am simply insane. I see that now. Thank you for your invaluable wisdom. That's not sarcasm, I sincerely mean that. I wouldn't know there was nothing in here worth saving if I didn't have reality to remind me of that, it's why I disagree with Scarlet, I need reality, not her endless unreality. I need to be reminded of my pain, not numbed to it. I can't win. I can't win.

 

Yeah, I'm sorry this is unreal. It's where I live now, unreality, out of touch. I'm insane, and you're going to call me that; a failure, because I failed to live up to your expectations. I always do. I hate myself. Is this what you wanted? For me to yield to you? Congratulations, you got want you wanted. What would you like next? For me to admit everything I said was a lie? For me to end myself? Go ahead, choose your adventure. I'm genuinely eager for you to tell me where you want me to go next. How shall I conform to you? How would you like me to yield to you? Scarlet says that to me all the time, I'm more than used to it. Let me become Exactly. What. You. Want. Down to the T. Say it, and I will become it. I'll go to a doctor, I'll take funny colored pills until they put me in a hospital again, I'll do anything you say. I always do everything everyone says, and I always suffer agonizingly. I keep doing exactly as people say and my body is full of scars and trauma from countless pills that made me vomit and comatose and made my skin feel like it was pulling itself off my body. So what next? What would you like? What magic words would you like me to say to invalidate all of my agony for your own comfort? I'm all ears, believe me buddy, you're the focus here. The fact that I offended you is utterly unforgivable to me, and I do not mean that sarcastically. I am so utterly exhausted at trying to vent my own problems that I just want to give up, I can't anymore, there is no exhaust, I can't find an oasis, it's just unending, searing agony.

 

Anyway thank you for the feedback, I genuinely appreciate it.

 

Edit: Oh that friend just unfriended me, I guess this was for nothing. What else is new.

Edited January 9 by Bin