Separation Insecurity- Old vs New

[Ranger]

I prefer cobud instead of tulpa and cocreation instead of tulpamancy 

 

One of the criticisms that I have seen pop up before, but now a lot more recently, is a lot of people's cobuds "aren't really separate" from their hosts.

 

However, I feel there's a sense of irony here- I suspect those who like to claim any cobud is "more separate" than someone else's would themselves fail on my rubric of separation.

 

Regardless of which system is doing the fake-claiming, my suspicion is it all boils down to insecurity. They fear their experience is fake, and then they doubt their cobud’s separation.

 

While fake-claiming has always been around, I'm more interested in talking about what's going on right now- a more vocal disgust towards systems who switch from those who have their cobuds in wonderland 24/7. I find it annoying, as any other form of fake-claiming, but I think there's a specific excuse being used other systems don't always have- the definition of separation. And it's a lot harder for someone to prove themselves if the playing field isn't even the same field to begin with. And after seeing the recent complaints, I see this as an opportunity to finally talk about this.

 

I have a theory on what that definition is, compared to a more modern one. Both definitions have been abused in a fake-claiming context, which is unfortunate. I believe these are things a cocreator should be encouraged to achieve, not used as gotchas for "oh you're not real". And when you address that, you can get to the actual root of the problem- why people feel insecure in the first place.

 

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I believe the two definitions are parallel processing ability and identity development. The former being used against switching systems, in this case. However, I suspect there are two key problems here feeding these system's insecurities- other systems claiming parallel processing isn't real, and a possible weakness in their cobud’s identity development.

 

I have talked about parallel processing a lot lately, so I'll try to condense this- for those who doubt parallel processing, it's not what you think. A cobud isn't going to invent the cure to cancer in parallel- instead, they are likely existing in a dream-like state. And I suspect the level of dissociation required to achieve parallel processing causes fuzz in awareness. Consider this- you aren't aware of your environment during an intense daydream. Parallel processing takes that a few steps further. Now you're not aware of what you're host is thinking. Due to that awareness fuzzing, that opens the door to more memory separation than what you may typically see in cosystems (Ex. A cobud can recall stuff that happened to them faster and more easily than their host). (Note: I know memory separation can be done irresponsibly, but I'm not going into that here.)

 

Invalidating parallel processing experiences hurts people. Time and time again I see people who openly talk about their parallel processing experiences get invalidated over "confabulation". I think I'm lucky not to have to worry about that so much, but maybe my textwalls scare people away before they get the chance to. But for the unlucky ones, they tend to feel alienated, and some feel pressure to ask themselves, "Are they right? Am I just making this up?"

 

And then some of those systems retaliate by saying "oh your cobud isn't actually real because they're not separate from you." Seperate how? They don't have that awareness fuzzing, the separate memories. "Oh but parallel processing isn't real" 🤦‍♀️ and now we're back to square one.

 

But if the system doesn't think parallel processing is fake, then what do they have to say? Other people are saying their cobud is clearly separate from them, so what does parallel processing have to do with that?

 

According to the identity development definition, it doesn't. Identity development separation assumes a cobud can carry on a long conversation about their experiences and beliefs without relying on their host. To meet this definition, a cobud...

• Can't be described by one personality trait or stereotype. For instance, a young cobud may start out as "the happy one". But overtime, they become introspective, detail oriented, hate canoes, and get fired up if you cut your donuts in half.
• Can talk about themself more than about their host. If a cobud can give their opinion more often than their host's, that's a sign of separation. There is some expectation a cobud can control the body and experience physical things first-hand, but I think talking about wonderland or roleplay experiences counts too.
• In addition, I would like to add thinks about their needs and who they want to be. Usually cobuds start out very host-focused. But eventually, they'll start to ask themselves, "What do I want? What do I need?" and demand time to meet their self-needs.

The people who fake-claim by calling a cobud a "story character" or that they have a "one-note personality" really annoy me. Did you forget the whole point of avising (forcing)??? Now that they are talking to you, suddenly they have to be perfect? That's ridiculous. 

 

And I believe this is where it can become scary for older systems to have their cobuds engage in conversations. I don't usually see their cobuds talking, and on the rare occasions they do, it's typically host-focused. I'm personally dissapointed to not see cobuds talk more about their wonderland adventures or when watching their host, things they saw they feel differently about.

 

But that's cringe- is it though? Or are you worried that a system who switches will tell you you're somehow doing cocreation wrong.

 

And this is really sad. There is so much time, so many experiences a cobud could have in parallel, the wonderland adventures. So what if it's more dream-like, those are experiences! Use them! Talk about them! Embrace them! A cobud can meet the criteria for identity development by going on and on about their in-head life and how they want to raise goats because they love animals and they have to see the fainting ones!

 

While I'm still learning about parallel processing from personal experiences, I strongly believe this is teachable. I was a strong skeptic in the past, but as I learned more about it, I gained the mindsets and experiences necessary to achieve minor parallel processing experiences. And there's so much more to explore!

 

So why waste your time fake-claiming someone when you can respect where they are and teach them what you know instead. Isn't that the point of learning?

 

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I'm very curious to see what people think about this.

Edited January 12 by Ranger
Critical edit- A cobud can talk more about themselves more than ABOUT their host, NOT talk more than their host. A cobud doesn't have to silence their host to be separate.

[The Incans]

OK so I (host - Mila) have DID so I do have alters too when I was younger there were a lot that were more like just social masks they came out to do a job appear as NT in public then disappear we had alot to get through high school but as we got older many of those came together to become one host by the time we had reached college age there was just one…however there were still some seperate inside. our littles remained seperate. 

 

For us Tulpa are ’not versions of me’ and our first got created after my mum passed and our littles created a version of her (Kitty) in their inside world. This was purely accidental she had been inside for so many years kept alive by our littles love and memory of her and her sentience evolving from being interacted with by them regardless of the fact the external ‘social mask’ host had no knowledge of their existence. Kitty has been a Tulpa 35 years.

She see’s my mum’s life as her past life and herself as a 'walk in’ spirit sharing this body so she can stay with us. We can have full conversations and when she wants to come online she can have her own conversations and has her own views. She can switch out with me to give me a break and can front without me being present too.

By the time our beloved dog had died (many years later) Kitty helped us with creating Inca’s Tulpa…as she had been a dog (in real life) we made her Tulpa body a ‘changeling' so when she became fully sentient she could choose whether she wanted to live mostly in animal form or human form. (Kitty has never had a desire to be anything other than human).

 

It’s now 10 years since Inca passed in the outside world and her Tulpa has gone from her dog form that only existed in the wonderland to becoming ‘Jess’ she has learned language, can communicate with us, explored her identity and chosen her human appearance herself. - again she is not a version of me..(she is Inca’s spirit reincarnated) so she is not an alter She see’s ‘Inca’s life' as her past life/old body but like Kitty can also co-host and is fully sentient.  Jess can take the front but prefers co-hosting..we like to share control of the body.

This has been so therapeutic for our littles that Angelo, Ralphie and Bear were then created by us to complete the family. Angelo as Kitty’s partner and Ralphie & Bear as companions for our littles (Lily & Sam - alters they can age-slide but like to be younger inside).

Angelo is now an internal caretaker but will not be fronting. He is currently at the stage of being more a holodeck character that only exists in our wonderland. He was created by Kitty to be her internal partner. Ralphie & Bear will also remain inside as internal companions but currently are very young and not aware of ‘an outside world’ at all. 

 

Our littles both being alters and child ‘versions of me’ can both front if they want to ..still have some ‘trauma triggers’ and still come out occasionally to play on video games or watch fav TV programs. Kitty still comes out to help with medical appointments and sometimes cooking and cleaning but for much of the time now its myself (Mila) and Jess taking care of external daily life…we can still chat to Kitty though even if she’s not at the front just as you might chat to someone via a video or phone chat while being in your own houses and show each other what we’re doing.  

Personally we don’t find it scary but maybe because those of us (alters) left are ones that have lived together on the inside for years and always known about each other. 

 

What irks me is when DID groups will acknowledge things like ‘fictives’ (alters based on fiction) or ‘factives’ (alters based on other real life people) but not allow the word ’Tulpa’  - essentially another type of fictive or factive insider! …. or will make a point of going on about how alters should be allowed freedom to identify as they want (as long as they don't identify as a Tulpa!) it seems somewhat hypocritical to me! …as most groups pre-approve posts if you do mention the T word you get asked to remove it or use another word and practically any post about anything needs a trigger warning these days! 

My littles would love to talk to other littles about our amazing wonderland but it seems you are not meant to enjoy having one or have fun with your ability to dissociate by role playing with your alters or creating companions that weren’t a result of trauma.