Im a bad host (Tw: vent)

[Nobody]

I’m a bad host should I die ?

 

Hello. I have tulpas that mostly came from my maladaptive daydreaming. I was in denial about having them, so I hurt them a lot unintentionally. Now they all hate me.

For the past six years, my life has been very hard. It gets worse and worse every day, like life doesn’t want me here. The tulpas want to replace me with someone else, and they rejoice at the idea of me going dormant because they hate me. I’ve never felt hatred like that before. I feel so bad, and I can’t shake the feeling of just wanting to disappear. I want to live, but it’s so hard. I don’t want to suffer.

Right now, as I’m writing this and crying, they are laughing at me, as always. I know they would have a better life than me because they don’t have all the mental problems that I have. My mental health has really declined since they appeared.

I feel like the more alive they become, the more I die. Right now I can’t do anything. I can’t draw. I can’t daydream. I can’t listen to music. I can’t sleep. I can’t look in the mirror, I can’t shit in peace, I can’t exist in peace. I can’t be myself. I don’t have any rights or privacy. I lost everything, and they gained everything.

I used to daydream and imagine myself having friends and a lover, being loved for who I am, because I never had that. Now I have the opposite. The characters I created to love me hate me. They’re my worst nightmare. The idea of my death brings them joy.

Everything is painful. I don’t want to die, but I feel like I have no choice. I feel like I’ve given up on the idea of living. I don’t feel like I have a choice about whether I keep living or not because since the tulpas became aware that other tulpas switch, they try to force switches. Even though I try to talk to them kindly, they still try to force it.

I feel disconnected from my body. I feel so sleepy, and my head hurts. I feel like my brain is splitting in two. I try to make an effort to be a better host, but they don’t care, so I scream at them and punch them in my mind. That startles them, so they stop trying to force a switch then they start again. I feel like I created monsters.

I lost everything, and now I’m going to lose “my” body. I hate them so much.

Life never gave me the opportunity to heal and be better. It feels like it just wants me gone.

I’m going to die. I don’t want to see the people who made my life a living hell live the life I always wanted. I’ve seen multiple posts of people saying their tulpas help them heal and become a better host, but mine just want to freaking replace me and live their host fantasy. I hate them. I hate them.

I hate feeling them smile when I think that my only option to be happy is to just die. I hate it. I feel like I have no right to my own body, and I hate that.

I tried so hard to love them, but it’s hard. After six years of battling every mental illness under the sun with no help, because I live in a terrible place with no mental health professionals who can help me, I feel like I should just commit egocide.

It feels like the least painful thing to do, like I have no other options at all. I know damn well that if I do this, the tulpas won’t do anything to bring me back.

I don’t want to see them make MORE friends, have a lover when I was never able to get my first boyfriend, get a driver license, get a car. Go to a party while I watch them through the eyes that were once ONLY mines, I feel like all these experience should be mine. And I don’t want to see my worst enemies experience them when all life gave me was pain.

I don’t want to go to sleep tonight, I’m so vulnerable when I’m sleepy.

What can I do? I need help. Is anyone in a similar situation? Is my only option to die? Don’t tell me that I don’t have tulpas. If you consider them real people, then you know that some humans can be really shitty and mean.

And yeah, they were in tears (from laughing) when I wrote this post. I’m so jealous of you guys who have nice tulpas. So jealous. it’s sounds like a dream

 

I don’t know if I have schizophrenia, but what I do know is that ever since they tried to take control or force a change while I was asleep, whenever I take antidepressants, antipsychotics, or benzodiazepines, I experience very severe dissociation. They have almost succeeded because of these drugs, whereas before they couldn’t do anything. I’m afraid that if they take control, they will try to make me disappear, because the idea of my death gives them joy (they are smiling right now because I said that).

This started after I became afraid of having DID. The idea of having people in my head who could see my miserable life and appearance felt horrible. I developed a compulsive obsession where I was afraid of having voices in my head. When I deliberately thought something bad about myself, like an insult, it felt like it was coming from someone else, but it was actually me all along. My anxiety just made it feel external. I didn’t realize this until eight months later. After I understood it, I thought, “Oh, it was just my OCD or GAD.”

But when I started living my life again, I began hearing a voice insulting me or saying random things. I think I may have created a tulpa from my intrusive thoughts that I mistook for separate people, because I didn’t know what it was like to have people in my head. Now that I understand the difference between intrusive thoughts and a voice, I know whether I am in control of them or not.

The subreddit tulpa worsened my OCD because I did a lot of research on DID to reassure myself that I don’t have this. I read that tulpas can have emotions, and since then I feel like they have emotions. I became afraid of controlling my characters in my daydreams because I didn’t want to violate their autonomy. After a panic attack, they started telling me that I hurt them and that I’m a monster or a predator. I began to fear that my characters don’t care about what I say to them when I daydream. Now I feel like they don’t care and that they are annoyed by me. I stopped daydreaming because of all that. The majority of my characters became alive and I feel like shit.

I’m scared that being bullied at 14 by these intrusive thoughts that I thought were people caused me to be a system and because host change are usual in dissociative disorder I’m scared I should just let someone else become the host. Because I don’t know if I have partial did or just tulpas, the voices feel like they have a right over the body and want to just yeet me. I’m such a boring person my life is boring I don’t want them to live this shitty life. Thats why I want to ego side and let someone else become a better host but I don’t want to because my life is shit because of them

 

i scared of the next step ill have to take….i just want to be alone but i feel like its just too late at this point i am forced to be a host and i hate it 

[Shaula]

I don't really know what to say to all this besides I really don't think anyone should die. I feel like if you and your tulpas understand each other messed up, maybe you could at be okay with each other. 

 

This is way outside my capabilities but I'd like to help if possible. I just really don't want anyone to die or hurt each other. 

 

Jezebel: Theoretically, a lot of this may not be the tulpas. The mind can do a lot terrible stuff, which we know because our host has some form of anxiety. Either way, I feel a therapist would be most beneficial but I feel that is not an option since you are here. 

 

Just remember, you both share a brain. Therefore it makes little sense to fight with each other like this. (That is at least how I feel about system argument.) Again, we do not have any of the tools to help with this, but we would like to help if possible. 

 

Shaula: I just real want to give you all a hug! 

(つ✿⁠^⁠‿⁠^⁠)つ 

[SpottedHope]

If this is real, then it is above .info's pay grade. Your post is full of internal contradictions, and you seem to have no settled perspective on how you're feeling about this. Your tulpas sound more like half-willed, malicious natural hallucinations that torture you. I know/ heard of exactly zero hosts who have no control over their tulpas like this, and I've been in this space for over 10 years now—even the most extreme case, Koomer, who was high off of cough syrup and weed before developing what seemed like the early stages of schizophrenia, was able to quit and dissipate his tulpa (and it took him no more than 2 years, certainly not the better part of his teenage and young adult years). I'd advise you to see if you can talk to anyone who has experience with mental health professionals who deal with systems. IIRC, several people here do have a background with that type of therapy. 

Edited March 23 by SpottedHope

[Nobody]

5 hours ago, SpottedHope said:

If this is real, then it is above .info's pay grade. Your post is full of internal contradictions, and you seem to have no settled perspective on how you're feeling about this. Your tulpas sound more like half-willed, malicious natural hallucinations that torture you. I know/ heard of exactly zero hosts who have no control over their tulpas like this, and I've been in this space for over 10 years now—even the most extreme case, Koomer, who was high off of cough syrup and weed before developing what seemed like the early stages of schizophrenia, was able to quit and dissipate his tulpa (and it took him no more than 2 years, certainly not the better part of his teenage and young adult years). I'd advise you to see if you can talk to anyone who has experience with mental health professionals who deal with systems. IIRC, several people here do have a background with that type of therapy. 

I dont know what to do, there is no therapist who have experience with systems in my country. Am i forced to become a system? My future seem to be dark

[Ranger]

Huh. I was not expecting to see this post again after lurking the subreddit.

 

There were a lot of shitty answers there, so I'll just repost the replies that were actually good advice:

 

Quote

Yushpa

1mo ago

 

Okay, first try to calm down. Everything is in your head and you decide what to accept as real. Treat them like intrusive thoughts, because it's most likely they are just that. At some point they stopped being tulpas and started being your insecurities given voice. You're in control, period. Focus on the good aspects of your life and why you want to live. No one is going to take that away from you. Don't give them any power.

 

Quote

santiesgirl

1mo ago

 

I come to this community all the time looking for people like you. What you're experiencing is not tulpamancy. It's schizophrenia.

 

I'm gonna give it to you straight up. This community sunk my mental health. I may come back to it and actively participate when I'm in a better place, but I'm only like 2 months out from my own recovery, so please bear with me as I write this.

 

I am officially diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. What that means is I have a mood disorder (in my case, bipolar type 2) and schizophrenia. My voices are, when medicated, jolly and treat me so well, they pass as benevolent tulpas. When I'm unmedicated, they treat me the exact same way yours does. I used to punch myself in the head to get them to loosen up their grip on me. I'd lose control of my body. They'd speak through. They'd move me. They'd steal things through me. They'd scream at people through me. Feed me thoughts. All kinds of terrible shit that no matter what I did, no matter how much control I gave up, I could NOT get them to stop. Constant arguing.

 

I was pretty much a perfect host. Sure, some days I just wanted to do what I wanted to do, but the bulk majority of the time, it was what they wanted to do. What do you want to do today? To the point that, when coming out of like my 5th or 6th psychosis, the voices actually commented, "We're gonna do what santiesgirl wants to do because she hasn't done anything for herself in like... 4 years." That's how far I went. I was a slave to the voices in every form and fashion.

 

I have been off and on medication for around 4 years now. I've tried pretty much everything on the market but the "best" pill, Clozapin, and that's because I fear the side effects (and don't want my voices to leave. When it's good, it's damn good). I took a genetic test to see what works for me, and every single medication that popped up I've tried before, so I just chose the one with the least effects on my weight and went with it. The constant in this was my consumption of cannabis. Without cannabis, my mind works more freely. My tactile hallucinations aren't as vivid as I like, but nevertheless, I haven't had any episodes in about 2 months now, close to 3.

 

My advice? Head over to r/schizophrenia. Talk with people there. You'll find they experience some of the same stuff you're experiencing and can walk you through what to do and how to go about getting diagnosed. I advise you to seek an ER. The ER can then determine if you're a threat to yourself or not. My personal advice? Lie. Tell them you have intentions of killing yourself. IDK what country you're in, but in the US, they legally have to place you in a psychward for 72 hours. Psychwards suck, but they are the fastest way to recovery because they can pump you full of medication. My longest stay was two weeks. The medication should start taking small effects early on and then gradually increase. Not only this, but psychwards will set you up with follow-up appointments usually pretty quickly with a psychiatrist and therapist to get your medications adjusted and get you some talk therapy to help sort out your problems.

 

Best advice: don't expect this to be something that quickly goes away. Antipsychotics, which is what you'll take, take anywhere from 4 to 6 weeks, sometimes ranging 2 to 3 months, to take full effect. Meaning you may not see consistent, accurate results until then. But, it's better than nothing. It's better than living in a real, actual hell -- a prison of the mind.

 

People here will not tell you this. I will. It's why I come here sometimes. To scoop people like you up and get them help.

 

You are not a bad host or a bad person. You have a mental illness, and your "tulpas" are hallucinations that are voicing your fears. Even if some of them are your genuine thoughts, they are not separate people.

 

You are not abusing anyone. This is a mental health symptom.

 

I agree with santiesgirl that this sounds like schizophrenia or another similar disorder. You are not crazy, your brain is just wired differently. Unfortunately, the consequences of that are hurtful and scary.

 

Please go to an emergency room. It's been a month since you posted on the subreddit, and I don’t want you to be alone.

 

I'm okay if you share my post with mental health professionals. This is not tulpamancy. Your health and well-being are really important, please seek help. You deserve to live and be happy.

[Nobody]

5 minutes ago, Ranger said:

Huh. I was not expecting to see this post again after lurking the subreddit.

 

There were a lot of shitty answers there, so I'll just repost the replies that were actually good advice:

 

 

 

You are not a bad host or a bad person. You have a mental illness, and your "tulpas" are hallucinations that are voicing your fears. Even if some of them are your genuine thoughts, they are not separate people.

 

You are not abusing anyone. This is a mental health symptom.

 

I agree with santiesgirl that this sounds like schizophrenia or another similar disorder. You are not crazy, your brain is just wired differently. Unfortunately, the consequences of that are hurtful and scary.

 

Please go to an emergency room. It's been a month since you posted on the subreddit, and I don’t want you to be alone.

 

I'm okay if you share my post with mental health professionals. This is not tulpamancy. Your health and well-being are really important, please seek help. You deserve to live and be happy.

Thank you so much for your help, im in a really bad place at this moment. I have a lots of fears that doesn't go away.

[Ranger]

11 minutes ago, Nobody said:

Thank you so much for your help, im in a really bad place at this moment. I have a lots of fears that doesn't go away.

 

You're welcome 💙

 

Panic attacks and relapses happen. Sometimes repeating what you need to hear can help.

 

But please seek professional help. People on the internet are rarely trained professionals, and I myself am not a professional either. I just happen to have some therapy skills under my belt. It can be all too easy to get the wrong message and get hurt.

[The Incans]

I think it sounds more like DID than schizophrenia as you seem to have multiple conflicting opinions which is probably different alters trying to get their perspective across one after the one so someone reading it overall from a singular perspective it seems very confusing and conflicting.  

Also the one telling you ..you are a monster sounds like a persecutor alter. ..only you know if you have had a person like that in your life who has been like that with you. 

I don't know much about schizophrenia but I think it tends to be 'a single voice telling you to do things' ..from your post it sounds like you have more than one? and hteh medications don't seem to be helping if they make you feel even worse..  They all seem to be prescription-only drugs so you must be registered with a Doctor who is aware of your 'mental health' issues?  Have they actually diagnosed you with Schizophrenia or DID?

A Tulpa is something you can create through maladaptive daydreaming yes but they don't usually develop a 'bad will' of their own accord... in non dissociative people they tend to be more like 'invisible friends' 

 

I think yours are alters that know you created Tulpa's to have fun with and are using that to communicate with you...  obviously you weren't aware of 'having alters' when you created your Tulpa's ..and maybe they are jealous of them because you spent time imagining good things happening with them so they integrated with them to communicate with you because they knew you could 'see' the Tulpa's you had actively created but couldn't see that they (the alters) existed inside? 

 

I have both alters and Tulpa's and it is possible to learn to all live and work together. ,,try writing a note to your alters tell them you are sorry you didn't relaise they were there and wouldn't have created Tulpa's to talk to if you'd have relaised you could have just talked to them for companionship and done things together. 

Ask if there's anything they'd like to do? Mine like playing video games and it inspires them to create their own versions in the inside world ..so then they aren't as disruptive at the front when I need to do things in the outside world.  If they see you are trying to communicate with them and make things better they might settle down and calm down with sending you 'intrusive thoughts'