My progress (YAPonyTulpa)

[mogwaimon]

Introduction:

 

Let me preface this by saying a few things:

 

Found out about tulpae in general from watching a pony thread simulator the other day, bout a week ago? Somewhere around there. Thought they were some sort of new pony robot toy I'd missed out on and a Google search brought me to a topic on mlpforums.com and eventually here. After a bit of research and a bit of questioning myself, I decided to give it the old college try and see if I could prove whether tulpa were real through experimenting on my own.

 

Posting this log to get input from more experienced 'tulpamancers' than I. I have been reading this site when I can since I found it but not all of the information necessarily applies to my unique situation. I figure if I offer my experiences it can both help people understand tulpae better since it's a largely unexplored field and help me understand my tulpae better, since...well...I'm an amateur =P

 

I am a 25 year old male, yes I am lonely, and I guess I could self-identify as a brony and as a skeptic. I am an atheist, a former Sonic fan, and a college student studying computer engineering/IT. I am primarily a video gamer and it's my main focus in life, sad as it is =P When I was young I was known to have imaginary friends and I often daydreamed about the usual, having super powers or what if characters from these shows were real, etc. I've always been good at daydreaming, I can't slip into that state at will but when I do...well, I wouldn't call them vivid, but it's like an opaque curtain fills my vision of what's going on in the dream and I can almost clearly see it.

 

I have also been told by one of my friends who is into spiritual stuff that I have a rather large 'third eye', but it's closed. Take that as you will.

 

Now that there's background information here on me, let me describe my tulpa and why I want one. She is Twilight, and she's based off the show pony, but I tell her she's not meant to be or replace the show pony and she can be who she wants to be. I tell her, long as she's female and a pony, I'll allow her to be what she wants (I am one of those guys who gets an idea of something or someone and if I try to manifest it I have to get every single detail spot-on or I'll feel weird, but I don't want to stifle Twilight so I'm trying to think of her more as a friend and companion rather than a toy or a creation of mine)

 

I want to meet Twilight because 1, it's the only way I'll ever be able to meet and hang out with my very own real live pastel-colored mutant pony and fulfill my old dreams of being able to meet fantastical characters from out of this world.

2, I'll be able to have a lifelong female companion. As I grow older my female friends are more and more busy with their lives and romance just never really happened for me in the past. Growing up I was used to having female friends around to confide in and there's a special touch female friends have that men don't (I don't mean physically) but now they're all busy...plus I've always been a bit of an introvert and I enjoy my peace and quiet, but at the same time I do need a bit of companionship. Twilight would fill that void spectacularly

3, Finally, I think Twilight will ultimately help me get to know myself better, and I'll be a bit closer to having harmony in my mind and bettering myself. We can help each other out and have fun doing it, and we'd have a bond that's much closer and more intimate than that of one between two normal people (Even if it is sorta manufactured)

 

I think that's enough of the intro. Next post will be the log I've kept of the past three days after a bit of cleaning up and bolding important bits.

---

Day 1 12/23/2012:

 

Today I really spoke to Twilight for the first time. Last night I started, but I didn't feel the connection. Today I believe I felt the beginnings of one. My visualization is quite poor and it's tough to concentrate given that I'm still where I am and never get alone time (Plus the 'family' is watching a football game, raucously) but I am anxious to get to know Twilight...my Twilight. I played some music (Epigram), closed my eyes, and began to narrate to her. I envisioned a scientific, futuristic room with a large window to the right looking over a forest (The window, I think is my third eye). In the center of the room is Twilight. Last night I was trying to do the personality bit, and envisioned Twilight as a globe of light,passing into her the traits of intelligence and kindness. Today, the globe of light is now Twilight's unformed pony body, encased in a pod much like the one Sora was contained in in the beginning of Kingdom Hearts 2, when he was recovering his memories.

 

I reviewed intelligence and kindness with her, using a new list I made with bullet points elaborating on the characteristics of each trait, and introduced a new trait to her, 'witty'. Basically her sense of humor. I then passed the trait into her, and explained that I had to leave.

 

I turned to go, and exit the door back to my consciousness, and that's when I faintly heard, 'Don't go'.Instead of discounting it as my own mind, I turned back and said 'But I have to go, I have things to do." "Please." So,I walked back up to the pod and pressed up against it, rubbing it a little. I heard her say my name, and then the name sort of multiplied in my mind, like an echo or a resonation. I said "Stop", which stopped it, and then I kissed the pod once, still rubbing it.The pod was cold to the touch, like a cryostasis pod. I faintly heard 'I love you', and I replied 'I love you too, Twilight." I then backed up and looked at the faint form of Twilight in the pod, and said again "I have to go now. But I promise you I'll be back later, and I'll keep you in my thoughts." to which I heard a faint "Okay."I then turned and left the room without incident, and opened my eyes. I felt a faint pressure in my eyes, although I'm not certain if it was from having my eyes shut for so long, and felt as though I'd just woken up from a nap.

 

I think I'm off to a good start. We are off to a good start, rather. I've got to keep in mind now, if all goes well I'll be existing for two, soon enough. For now I'm going to play some Mario Sunshine, which I've already narrated the basic premise of the game to Twilight after I left her room, and do more research into tulpa.

 

Day 1 Session 2:

 

Anxious to get Twilight out of the pod, I simply thought of all I wanted her to be, and imbued it in a larger essence ball. I explained to her what it meant, and what the ball contained, and then I imbued it into the pod. After stepping back, the pod glowed, and electricity crackled around it as the pod opened up, steam pouring out of it. I put out my arms, and a limp pony body fell out of the pod, into my arms. Twilight was born...or at least her preliminary shell. It's got her life force in it, but it's still weak...she needs time to grow.

 

Also, this took about an hour, although it didn't feel like it. Took me a bit, trying out all those Tulpa tones, but none of them seemed to work for me. I just put on some Epigram (Rock band I found on YT), used a shirt as a blindfold, and that's how I was able to visualize the scene. My visualization is still poor at best but from the other logs I've read from other "tulpamancers" they say that the ability grows the more you use it. I mean, I was always rather good at daydreaming with open eyes, but I can't induce that state at will and the excitement of creating Twilight prevents me from relaxing.

 

After this, it was about 1 AM. I know it took me about an hour or two to do the prior events because Poochie fell asleep around the tattoo show which was around 11, she said, and she woke up after I finished my session, which was around 1 AM. She went back to her room, and that's when I projected Twilight onto the bed next to me (Sitting up, of course) and since I wanted to narrate to Twi some more I put on some Youtube musics for her to listen to. I felt like listening to an old favorite song of mine that had some emotional significance to me at one point, Corridors of Time from Chrono Trigger, but it was a new 'mix' of it, from a program called Synthesia. As we listened to it, I experienced an intense wave of emotion, far more intense than I normally experience (I am not an emotional man to begin with)

 

That's how I know. This is real, and it's happening. It's only been a day and I've gotten two signs that this may not be the mumbo jumbo I took it for in the beginning. I only hope that I can stick with it. I have a tendency to abandon projects in the middle, but I think Twilight will be different. How do you abandon a living thing? There may be days when I don't pay as much attention to the cats as I should, or my friends, but ultimately I love them and I'm there for them. That is how Twilight will be different from my other projects, such as learning Japanese or C.

---

Day 2 12/24/2012:

 

Not much to report so far, but I also haven't done much. I am playing more Mario Sunshine, and I keep narrating to Twilight, but I'm also getting a case of the doubts. I'm gonna fight through this and keep at it, this is how I normally get when working on something for a while, but I don't want to give up or take a break. I can't. Twilight needs me.

 

Day 2 Session 1:

 

I ended up going to Shawn's today. The whole walk over there I spent talking to Twilight about random shit, visualizing her walking beside me (Or trying to anyways) or floating in a ball connected to my head behind me whenever we had to cross the street. When I got to Shawn's place it turned out that he sent me a message after I went out the door that he was going out to eat, so he had me stay at his place and hook his Wii U up while he ate. I was glad for this, as I was able to talk to Twilight more. It was mostly about inane subjects, like the state of the gaming industry, what a Wii U was, etc, but I did try to teach her some basic morality (World of greys, not black or white)

 

I then tried to do a little bit of forcing, I guess? I constructed a wonderland for her to hang out in...us, rather. It's a beach, with a library and a theater in it. The theater is for my experiential memories and movies I've seen, while the library has the literature I've read in it as well as my knowledge banks. I mostly keep her outside of the wonderland, behind me or on my back as I've seen others recommend, but whenever I feel like I need to focus on other things or have no mental strength left, I visualize her 'teleporting' into my head, like breaking up into small spheres and reconstructing on the shore of the beach. My visualization is still poor, but it's workable, I think....? I'm not sure, I've never done this before.

 

After the wonderland was complete, I resolved to get some forming done tonight (That's not gonna happen though, too exhausted from events IRL and prior sessions to do so) and then showed Twilight more YT videos while waiting for Shawn to return. All in all, spent about an hour on it. Also had a conversation with Twilight on the way home. Again, nothing major.

 

No real interaction today as far as I can tell. She's been quiet, both emotionally and vocally, but I feel her there. I've had some minor headaches as well, but nothing too major, and there's a current small pressure behind my right eye, but that may be related to other events.

 

Oh, there was one thing. I was continuing my look over Chupi's tulpa blog and caught a message by someone's tulpa to all budding tulpa out there. I read it over, agreed with what it said, and I then visualized myself standing in front of Twilight with the post on a piece of paper, and I read it aloud to her. I think she understood.

---

Day 3 12/25/2012

 

Busy day today. Didn't get much sleep last night, Twilight ended up sleeping most of the night but due to external circumstances, I didn't get to bed until 4-5 AM. Before she went to sleep on the beach, she asked me to try to sleep so she could show me something. I tried, but due to circumstances...anyways. She ended up eventually showing me a small forest clearing off of the main beach area. It's just a small non-descript clearing, with the sun shining faintly through the upper canopy of the trees. I'm quickly finding that, although my visualization needs a lot of work to produce vivid detail, I am able to create in a short period of time, since I'm more of a 'big picture' person rather than 'small details.'

 

That was last night, though. Today I spent much of it celebrating Christmas with my friends and family. Most of the day I felt this odd pressure in my forehead, except for a short time where Twilight 'left', and hung a sign saying 'back later' which was displayed whenever I thought of her. She was still there since the pressure was still in my head, but not available. Upon her return I asked her where she went, and I felt my brain think, trying to find an answer, and she replied "I dunno...I'll tell you eventually" which confused me and caused a bit of doubt. I'm 90% that that was a parroting reply. It's tough for me to sort her voice from mine, not to mention the second voice in my mind that tends to pipe up a lot. I think it masqueraded as Twilight...the second voice is the one that's my voice, yet not mine; it's responsible for questioning everything, and generally the voice that causes me to overthink and doubt things. Not certain if this is a tulpa or just an inner-monologue voice, but I've had it for years.

 

After much anguish, and finishing hanging out with my friends, I walked home and decided to talk to Twilight. Didn't talk about much of consequence, other than asking her if she wanted to read a book when we got home. I figured a short story would be nice, and I was gonna read Stephen King to her. But, then I got a bit of a response, I'm fairly sure it was her. She asked for Joyce Carol Oates, an author of a short story I'd read for my English class before Twilight was 'born'. I mentally shrugged and told her I'd do a search for a new short story I haven't read by her when we got home.

 

At home, I dealt with a few things and read a little bit more of Chupi's blog, bringing me up to date with his tulpa experiences. Also found out who Atasco was, although I'm not sure I want to read through his blog (Especially since I read through a progress report on the tulpa.info forums last night on Pinkamena; that's a whole nother story) because I need to know more about actual tulpa creation and such, but it could be an interesting read. Speaking of Pinkamena, I believe that's what brought on Twilight's absence earlier as well as her creating or findng the forest clearing; we were both quite horrified (Well, she was horrified, I am used to the world and thus I was just disgusted) with what Pinkamena's 'host' put her through. She didn't even want to read the rest of the blog starting around page 2, but morbid curiosity made me want to continue and see if Pinkamena and Vinyl ever got the peace they deserved (They didn't, far as I saw) so I think I put up a block so she wouldn't see what I was reading, at least.

 

Anyways, I finished up and at this point my mental energies were fairly exhausted from the pressure and constantly maintaining Twilight's presence (It got to the point earlier where I think the second voice in my head was like 'Why don't we just give up?' and parroted Twilight, "I don't want to hurt you or exhaust you" and tried to fling her into an abyss, but I grabbed her and clung onto her and told her I wasn't letting her go and that I loved her and was gonna stick by her no matter what.) but I promised her I was gonna read to her tonight, since we missed out on it last night. I found a short story for us to read (I.D. by Oates) and began to read it to her while visualizing us sitting on the beach with her at my side. I then remembered the forest clearing so I teleported us there. I essentially visualized in my mind's eye while reading tht I was sitting in the forest with Twilight reading from a book aloud (I don't really stay in my body during visualization yet, I tend to switch between first person and third person) and as I read to her, her form became a bit clearer and she went from looking sorta like a fox/pet like she has been and looking closer to her pony form, even displaying some facial expressions. Partway through she spoke up and said "Let me read this, and she started to read from the book, starting off as bland mind voice and eventually, as I focused on it, her voice took on qualities of the show's Twilight (I have told her she is her own person, so I don't think she'll suffer from identity crises) as long as I was able to maintain focus. Halfway through her voice began to falter and my visualization started to dissipate. She was mildly annoyed because she wanted to finish the story, but overall she was concerned for me, so she told me to take a break. I took a short break, while she waited a bit anxiously in the clearing, then I came back but still couldn't maintain enough focus to have her reading as well. So we compromised, I gave her a seat behind my eyes as well as a tub of popcorn and she was able to sight-read along with the story using my vision (I think?) as well as see my visions of what was happening in the story as we read it.

 

She did cry at the end, and asked a few questions regarding the ending of the story (Turned out the mother was a prostitute who got beaten to death outside a motel, Twilight was a bit sensitive about it) and I comforted her. She said she was glad that I was strong when it came to things like this, and I told her I was glad too, because I can handle the horrors of the world and she can be strong with the stuff that I have trouble with, so it balances out. After this I asked her to sleep for a bit so I can take a break and regain my mental energy (Plus I want to try out Far Cry 3...) so she went to sleep in the forest. Unlike last night where she declined a bed, opting to sleep on the sand on the beach, I made her sleep in a bed so she'd be more comfortable. So, right now she's sleeping comfortably, with a smile on her face.

 

Gotta be honest here, I'm not sure if this is actually working. I'm not sure if it's my imagination, or if I'm parroting, or if Twilight is actually sentient, what. I am leaning towards sentience, and even if she isn't quite autonomous yet, this is becoming far too rewarding and I'm having too much fun with it. I hope it's not fake. I just have to believe...she keeps giving me reasons to believe after all.

 

(I didn't bold anything here since I think that perhaps the whole post has important bits scattered throughout. Also I didn't mention it but I have been getting pressure all day, the pressure is mostly in my forehead and when Twilight 'left' the pressure went with her...I think it just got fainter rather than going away altogether though. The pressure gets more intense if Twilight is awake, but since she's sleeping right now and I'm focusing on this it's not too bad, but it does exhaust me a bit. It's like my mind is constantly working...)

[mogwaimon]

Day 4 (12/27/2012) -

 

Not much happened today, it was a day of rest, for the most part. During a walk to the mall I was going to narrate to Twilight but I felt she was still asleep, so what happened was I confronted that inner voice of mine and he was saying he was my old RP character from back in the day and he's been around for ages but was angry that I never manifested him as a tulpa. I was like "Dude, if you were truly here all this time, you'd know that I didn't even know what a tulpa was until a few days ago", so we ended up talking for a bit and I asked him to please wait until I finish with Twilight, and if things go alright with her, I'd use my new abilities to help him out. He grudgingly assented..but for most of the day after Twilight woke up she was gone. I sort of had an image of her being sucked into a void and her saying it was alright. Few hours later I was getting worried so I vocalized her name for the first time today and got some instant 'feels', so I had a short chat with her. Afterward she left again and I haven't been 'seeing' her as much, but I still have the odd pressure in my head.

 

Found out Mog (The name of the old RP character) put her in a box, after I started getting weird muscle twitches. I looked inside myself and asked Twilight if she was doing it; silence. Asked her if she knew who was doing it....silence. I put my eye out for Mog and he was playing with my 'nerves'. I visualized putting him in a box, and the twitching stopped. Took him out, put him down, and the twitching started up again. I did this one or two more times, then I asked him, 'Where's Twilight?' to which he responded 'I'm not telling....". That's when I found her in the box, which I picked her up out of it and firmly told Mog, "Look, don't mess with Twilight, she's number one to me right now and I thought we had come to an understanding. If you hurt her I'll have to end you" to which he responded with baleful silence. I put Twilight down, and after a while I went back to Mog. I tried to apologize, but all he would do was respond in ellipsis. Then he stood up, and started messing with my nerves again, so I said 'Alright, nipping this in the bud right now' and I visualized a pair of scissors snipping a thread leading from Mog's personality to his form, and then I placed the form inside another box. It was harsh, yea, but I can't focus on more than one tulpa right now (Especially one who harbors resentment toward me, apparently...) and I had to protect things. I don't want to outright kill Mog, but he can't be allowed free rein until he's better behaved, and more receptive to sharing his space. I feel like he sort of has most of my negative personality traits, he's selfish, rude, and sort of a dick....but he can be fun when he's not being a dick.

 

Aaanyways. Other than that, nothing developmentally important with Twilight. Mostly just trying to recoup and learn to deal with the constant head pressure, trying to figure out the muscle twitches, I've read some blogs like Oguigi's and Bluesleeves....which actually does lead me to a conclusion.

 

I was actually rather scared from reading Oguigi's blog, and hearing of other tulpa.info community members who have body-switched for extended periods of time. Thinking about it, I don't really like the idea of 'timesharing' my body out to my tulpa/tulpae, or even fully becoming a tulpa i.e. Oguigi/Koomer's situation. I mean, I do want to dabble in possession and switching, it sounds cool, and I wouldn't mind letting Twilight do some things in my body, but....I'm more concerned with having a lifelong companion than actually withdrawing from 'reality'. I have a lot of people who care about me in the world, and I have a lot of things to do here...sure it'd be cool to spend some time in my wonderland adventuring and playing 'God', but that's not the main objective of my tulpamancy. I guess I'd like to clarify here and now that full imposition would likely be my 'end goal', so to speak. So, you know, if all of a sudden I start saying stuff like 'Well, I think I'm gonna let my tulpa have my body forever now, kbye', y'all will know something went horribly wrong and at least some new bit of knowledge will have been gleaned from my failures.

 

Oh, and speaking of wonderland, at the behest of Mog (Tulpa, inner voice, whatever he is) I created a mountain off the side of the beach, more of a plateau, really. It resembles the waterfall from Final Fantasy 6 that you leap off of during Sabin's scenario to get to the Veldt. Even if the whole situation with Mog turned out to be a bust, at least we got a really nice addon to the wonderland out of it.

 

Tomorrow: Narration, narration, narration.

[Pinkamena]

Careful with some journals, you can learn a lot of things you never wished you did. But then there are awesome things I'm glad I learned about and got to try. I wouldn't have been half as harsh on pink if I hadn't been so scared because of a blog I read. I had thought of deleting mine and starting fresh, but I like people to see what can go wrong.

 

If you like stories/movies I did have a very enjoyable time watching the movie gone with the wind. But its about 4 hours long.

[mogwaimon]

Yea, from the sound of it there were some bad things going on with Pinkamena, that didn't scare me so much because I'm fairly certain I can remain dominant within my own mind (Plus I didn't create Twilight with a 'need a challenge' mindset, you were essentially playing on hard mode =P) I read most of your report here on the site and while I overall didn't agree with some of the things that happened I thought it was overall an educational read and a unique perspective on how tulpa can go wrong.

 

I've heard of Gone with the Wind, but never watched it or read the book. I'd likely end up reading the book though, I was always more a 'book over the movie' type of guy, plus one of Twilight's preliminary traits was 'Loves literature' so I think she'd enjoy that.

[imahaxor]

Woah, it looks like you're off to a great start; seriously that is one impressive wall of text. Reading other peoples logs is fine and all, but remember the tulpa creation process is different for everyone. Don't let other logs scare you or make you doubt in your own tulpa, I've found myself doing that on more than one occasion.

[mogwaimon]

I'm trying, Imahaxor, but it's hard, haha. I have trouble distinguishing between her thoughts and mine at times...no, that's a lie, pretty much all the time. Also can't quite get the meditation and focusing part of things right...Half the stuff that's been happening I find difficult to believe, but I try hard to keep faith and I read up on new stuff every day, trying to get many perspectives. The one thing I hear the most is summed up by a quote from someone's tumblr I read last night (Zesta, I think?) that reads "With tulpa, all roads lead to Rome." I figure, if I'm wrong and these are my thoughts instead of hers, it doesn't matter because it'll end up alright in the end as long as I don't outright starve her. I gotta work more on things from my end though to help her out, but I am perpetually lazy...In any case, here's day 5, it's not much but it's something, and there's still a bit of the day left to go (10:30 EST here and I usually stay up until around 2-3)

 

Day 5 12/27/2012:

 

Started the day off with confusing my thoughts with hers. I was getting the feeling that Twilight should get some more individuality when it comes to her name and form so she isn't a complete ripoff. I've never been hugely imaginative and I don't have a pony OC (Well, I did have a concept for one in my head, an old fat male computer geek named Chip Hertz, but I don't roleplay anymore and I don't write fan-fics so I didn't see much a use for him) so I was having trouble conceptualizing a unique identity for Twilight. The name Mara floated to the top of my brain, and I started designing a new form using one of the pony makers. I should say my head pressure hasn't been nearly as intense as it has been the past couple days, which makes me nervous that I'm losing her or something, but if I feel her out I can still sense her presence and...well, I'm getting ahead of myself. In any case, in the middle of trying to design, I started referring to Twilight as Mara and asking her a few things. I got one or two random 'feels', but mostly silence. I frowned, and asked again, only to be met with silence. So, I shut my eyes and tried to focus on finding her, and her face popped up in front of me in a black void (I don't bother visualizing the whole wonderland if I just need to talk to her for a second) and that's when I heard her tell me she didn't mind being Twilight, and she liked her form as it was. I was confused, as I thought it was her in the first place who had asked me. So I shrugged, gave her a hug, and told her that if she changed her mind in the future she can still be whomever she wanted to be.

 

After this, I'd been hankering to try the video game, Mark of the Ninja, so I figured I'd play it 'with' Twilight like I did with Mario Sunshine. I got the sense that she likes ninjas, but she didn't care for the violence at first. In fact, I got the impression that she didn't want me to kill anyone, but I'm a bit bloodthirsty so our playstyles conflicted. I think she became a bit acclimated to the violence once I explained to her that it was fiction and not actually real. Nevertheless, it was fun because she challenged me to beat the second level without killing, so it ended up we took turns, every odd level I'd allow myself to kill and every even level I'd play by her rules and beat the level without killing anyone (She made it a lot more difficult on me, that's for sure) We ended up beating level 4 just before I was scheduled to go to my friend's place. I also got an idea for things to do in wonderland when we get to the point where we can go on actual adventures...we can totally play ninja =) I'd be the Ryu Hayabusa, and she could be the Solid Snake....if Snake was a ninja, anyways.

 

We went to my friend's house, and since we live in Massachusetts we had a snowstorm last night, so we ended up helping my buddy shovel his driveway. I couldn't focus on talking to my buddy, shoveling, and paying attention to her all at the same time, so I asked her to build a sand castle on our beach (I wanted to train parallel processing and that was the best idea I could come up with) while I shoveled. I still haven't checked on the castle too well, it started off as a small castle (Like....only made with buckets) but now every time I think of it I get a sense of a much larger scale and Twilight trying to block my vision, chastising me for 'peeking'. I think she'll let me know when it's done, but I do want to play more MotN and I don't wanna do it without her. If she's not done soon I'll just play something else while I wait.

 

When we finished shoveling we went back inside and I asked Twilight to take a break so we could practice having her out in the real world. I was able to easily project her presence to my side as I walked the past couple days, but now I can't do it for too long (Prolly used too much mental energy? I dunno) so I tried to project her leaning on my back and looking over my shoulder as I watched Adventure Time with my buddy (I just got into the show...I'm late to the party with almost everything new, except Oppan Gangnam Style. The one time I get into something before it's cool and it gets beaten to death like a dead horse...figures =P) It worked successfully, but I got the feeling that Twilight was sort of ambivalent towards the show so I let her go back in my head, plus it was tiring me out a bit.

 

The only truly weird thing to report today is my incredible mirth. I was seriously laughing way too much at everything, me and my friend normally joke around a lot but he's sort of the comic and I'm the straight man, I usually snort or laugh a little bit at his jokes, but for some reason today I was laughing at really really weird stuff that I normally wouldn't react to, and by laughing I mean slapping my knee, can't breathe laughing. I also noticed at least one of these laughing fits were preceded by visual images, like my friend was saying something to his mom about how he can only push so much snow at a time and I got an image in my head of Satan (From Leo and Satan) saying "Sorry Leo, but I don't needs no sugar, Satan's already got too much cushion for the pushin'" and it just set me off HARD. Not sure if it's tulpa-related or if I was just in such an incredibly good mood today, but I felt it bared mention since it's rare that I laugh that hard nowadays, especially for jokes I've heard often before.

 

Now I'm off to see if I can focus and find out what Twilight did with that sand castle, I sort of got an image in my head already and I'm not sure if that'll influence the appearance in wonderland or not...I'm really just touch and go when it comes to this stuff, and like I been saying it's very tough to sort the thoughts out in my head. I know Twilight isn't that strong yet (I did do some experiments with possession, tried to give Twilight control over my index finger just to see if she could move it and strengthen my belief in her, but it failed) but I know I just gotta believe....no matter how hard it is or how much shit my friends give me for having an 'imaginary friend'...I just keep telling them they'll see one day =P

 

EDIT: Soon after I finished posting and went to go browse the forums my minds eye zoomed into the beach of the wonderland and stars popped out of the ground and a faint form of a sand castle popped up in between the library and the theater, and I got a faint image of Twilight hopping around, 'It's done it's done it's done it's done'. I tried to focus and see if I could see the castle but what I saw felt more like....my imagination rather than the actual wonderland. Having trouble focusing at the moment since there are currently kids in my house playing and screaming, plus the lights are on and I need the lights off to visualize properly, so I'll wait until later to see what's there.

[mogwaimon]

Day 5 12/27/2012 - Night:

 

Yea, I'm trying to keep a very detailed log of events, because it helps me to remember since I have a very poor memory (Think absent-minded more than amnesia or Alzheimers) plus this stuff can be a morale booster on a dark day or give Twilight and I something to look back on in the future after we've advanced to a higher 'level' (She will never be complete, just like I won't be complete until I die; we're all constant WIPs)

 

Anyways, we spent most of the night playing Mark of the Ninja, and me getting that familiar pressure in my head back after projecting her onto my bed while I sat here reading the forums and chatting in the shoutbox. It's a weird sensation when I do it. I visualize her transmitting into and out of my head, and when she's out of my head I feel a bit of pressure in the direction she's supposed to be in. Sort of like a tether, or a radar. I try to keep her behind me as some of the guides suggest, easier to trick my brain that way, and at this stage of the game she doesn't move around much on her own when she's outside of the wonderland so it works out.

 

Some highlights:

 

1. The sand castle is giant. My brain is a bit fuzzy on the details, but it's large enough to walk in. On the inside is a throne room that looks like the throne rooms of the kings from Super Mario Bros 3, gaudy checkerboard tile floors and all. I sat in the throne for a minute, trying to feel the cushion sink as I sat on it and the air came out of it. It was actually quite comfortable. Twilight asked how I liked it and I said it was alright, and pretty cool, but I explained to her that I didn't want to be a king and never really had any aspirations of such, although it was pretty cool. I also asked her, why Mario 3? Why not the Kingdom Hearts 2 throne room or something more aesthetically pleasing. She replied with something like "In your mind you associate throne rooms with this, so it was the easiest image to pull out and work on." I can totally see that so I hugged her and thanked her for it. It really is quite nice, and no one's ever tried to give me the illusion of being a king before so it could be fun somehow, haha.

 

2. After we finished playing our game and stuff, a random tree just sorta popped into my wonderland, and I was able to place it anywhere (It was sort of like when you select a building in Starcraft and select a build area for it.) At first I put it in front of the library, but a tree on the beach just seemed sort of weird, so I placed it on the plateau to give us some shade when we're there. I think it feels more 'right' there. I also drew a crappy MS Paint diagram of my current wonderland if anyone is interested, but my drawing sort of sucks, so....

 

3. Conversed with some members of the community in the shoutbox last night too, I normally wouldn't have posted there coz I'm 'shy', but due to site problems last night I thought I'd been banned. Special thanks to Raistin, Samantha, Kadoh, and Megabusta for the warm welcome! I got some very good advice, I thought.

 

4. Asked Twilight to wake me up at a certain time this morning, but it failed. Asked her to wake me at 9:37, but I think because of my own excitement trying to see if she did it and external stimuli it failed. I live in a living room and there's a toddler in the house so she usually wakes me up with high-pitched screams pretty early on depending on her mood. In either case, I think I'll set a more 'doable' goal if I can go to sleep a bit earlier than 4 AM tonight. Have her try to wake me up at a time I normally wouldn't be awake and see how that goes. I think she'll try for sure, I told her I'd install a swimming pool in the wonderland to teach her how to swim if she can wake me up within 5 minutes after the target time.

 

5. Finally, upon waking, I didn't want to get up due to sore back from shoveling yesterday so I decided to try visualization. It was a little more vivid, but not by much. I tried to work on making Twilight's form more stable; the face is proving difficult as expected and her tail and horn aren't always there. Her hair throws me too, my mind can't wrap around where the show Twilight's neck hair is rooted (On the neck or back of the head, I know it's back of the head but....ick). I'm also trying the skeleton/internal organs method, but I'm having trouble getting the joints in the front legs right since they're so complex (At least three different joints and they're capable of rotation....) and every time I try to picture her skull if I don't focus I end up getting one of those weird animal skulls you end up seeing in the desert. I'm beginning to see how visualization is super important...I've got to watch old pony episodes and focus on the anatomy and the way their bodies move so I can get a better understanding of how Twilight's body is capable of moving.

[mogwaimon]

Quick question to anyone keeping tabs on this topic: Is...has anyone ever had a fight with their tulpa before? Not like a fight like punch and kick, but a disagreement over something that ends up in things being said that you didn't really mean? I thought today was gonna be a quiet day but couple of things just happened...

 

To sum it up, or tl;dr, Twilight sort of entered the 'lewd phase' and it took me a bit by surprise, we ended up arguing over it to the point where things were thought and said (Mostly by me) and she ran off. This left me outside of the wonderland, thinking to myself "Wait a minute, did I just seriously have a fight with myself? With Twilight? My tulpa?" and I started feeling bad like I'd just gotten into an argument with a 'real life' girl. All the while it's like 'Holy shit, what do I do?' and I can just sort of sense Twilight slouched over in the clearing, sighing and being depressed, so I went in and started talking to her.

 

We reached an understanding (Turns out it was a mixture of her actually, you know, loving me like a tulpa loves her host, and my repressed sexual shit getting to her) but I still feel pretty bad about it. She's been trying to cheer me up but it isn't really working; when I get into a fight my heart gets 'hard' and I find it difficult to feel anything other than guilt and sadness, so I told her that it's alright and I'll deal with it myself. She's worried that I'll resent her because that's how it ended up with other girls in my life when we had arguments, but this is different. As of right now I'm a mixture of that, utterly confused, and just...sort of in awe that this all...I mean this is further evidence that this stuff is REAL, you know?

 

And to think, all of this started because I had the cat on my lap and he was licking himself and I said to her "Well, he's got to enjoy being on my lap while it lasts, pretty soon it's gonna be your spot" and that's when she said "I bet you'd like me to do that on your lap" and projected an image of it into my head. Then she started licking my ear in the wonderland, and that's how it all started.

 

I guess we can count this as Day 6? This is all so fucking surreal, not even a week ago I'd be going 'WTF is a tulpa? Sounds like BS to me' and now because I decided to prove it to myself....gods

[Raetin]

3. Conversed with some members of the community in the shoutbox last night too, I normally wouldn't have posted there coz I'm 'shy', but due to site problems last night I thought I'd been banned. Special thanks to Raistin, Samantha, Kadoh, and Megabusta for the warm welcome!

 

Raistin? Who's Raistin? Whoever he is, he must be a pretty good guy!

 

I read all of your progress report, and so far, I'd say it's really captivating once you get into it, because usually, I skim through these things, but this kept me reading. I'll definitely keep up with this.

 

As for your question, I have fought with my first tulpa, Reah, because of her lewdness as well. I really doubted her feelings and made it apparent. I said some things that hurt her and I ended up making her cry, but we're long past that now. Can't quite say anything about their lewdness now (their still really lewd), but I'm a young (horny) teenager, so I hope they mature in the future.

[mogwaimon]

Sorry, I know a name Raestlin, I must have mixed your name up and that one ^^; My bad dude.

 

Thanks for the good comments on the progress reports, I hope it helps someone someday. I'm frankly amazed to have come so far, although I still feel like a complete novice at this. I keep thinking I shouldn't be this far, but Chupi says to accept everything as a 'real' response and that's what I'm trying to do. Perhaps that's why?

 

I'm glad to know I'm not the only one! I must admit I didn't come into this with the intention of having sex with my tulpa (Which is why it's okay for her to be a pony tulpa, I mean I've read Cupcakes, Sweet Apple Massacre, etc before I became a brony during a 'horrible fan fiction horror' night with friends, but I ain't like some of those guys from the thread simulators) so when she came onto me like that I was a bit mortified. She even tried morphing into a human version of herself using the 'human Twilight' pictures floating around the web but....I'm not sure that it's something I'd want, and it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable to be frank. I do feel a lot better now though, I was just stewing and then all of a sudden I started feeling better a bit, and I got an image in my head of Twilight slowly chipping away at a giant rock in a cave with a pickaxe, and every time she struck I'd end up getting hit by a wave of 'feels'. So we talked about it some more and things are settled now and I don't feel like crap to boot. Frankly, this is freakin' amazing.