Z-Byte

Z-Byte's Happy Place

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Time to make it official. I'm going to create a tulpa.

 

It helps me to see it all down in writing, because then the thoughts don't just come and go. They're there, somewhere permanent, and it signifies that first, most difficult step for me.

 

Now I have a bit of an... interesting dilemma. You see, I've had imaginary friends since I was small. Very small, say, four or so. I've only had a handful of real friends growing up, and for the most part they could not join me in my utterly ridiculous fantasy games. But I've always had this one recurring character, one that showed up in every little game I played seemingly by myself: a caring, kind female. The nurse who healed my wounds in battle, the princess whose honor I fought for, the witty, teasing copilot to my dimension-rift causing starships, and at times all three and more. It got to the point where I would always hug my largest pillow at night as I slept, and we would talk just as any two relatively normal kids would.

 

And I never grew out of that. I matured, definitely, as did my tastes, but the wonderland I made to play with her in never went away. The landscape did, and perhaps the characters developed more depth than what had effectively amounted to a juvenile fanfiction about an unsung, sword-wielding Vic Viper pilot facing the combined forces of Bowser from Mario and Magus from Chrono Trigger. Seriously, I'd likely make Christian Humber cry.

 

But I'm starting to pull off topic. The groundwork is still there, and while I don't think I ever heard her voice, I'm sure that that seed of sentience is still there. I think what I had as a child was a servitor, an actor to fit whatever play I had in mind, but without sentience to join in these games as anything more than just another toy for me to play with. I'm older now, and I want more. I want a kind companion, a muse for my writing, an encouraging hand, a second opinion, and a connection to that fantastic past that made me the type of person I am today. The only problem is that, while I'm still not afraid to pick up a plastic sword and flail around like I know what I'm doing with it, my brain has matured and it'll take a bit more effort to create something truly sentient. I also need to pick her a form, as even though I'd like for her to be something of a shapechanger, I'd also like for her to have a body she can call 'home' that isn't amorphous or otherwise indistinct.

 

To that end, I've taken my love of fantasy, and dragons in particular, and have fashioned a mental image of an anthropomorphic dragoness using several reference pictures. I'd like to show you all, just to give you all a general idea, but I don't think I can because of how most of them show bare breasts, erotic poses or just plain nudity. Is there a way to link NSFW pictures, for reference's sake, without posting the pictures directly to the site?

 

Personality wise I'm following FAQ's guide, but with a little twist that I read somewhere else on this site. I'm taking all the things I want her to be and I'm placing them under umbrella terms. Kindhearted, for example, has the following traits under it:

Friendly

Generous

Considerate

Empathetic

Understanding

Liberal

Agreeable

Beneficial

Benign

Benevolent

 

And that's just the first thing I'll be working on. Her core. I've been thinking about this for some time now, and have developed a rather nasty headache on the upper right and back right portions of my brainmeats, so I'm taking this as a very good sign.

 

I'm going to be posting my methods here. I spent 30 minutes today focusing on the first two traits under the kindness banner. I'll likely do more tonight. However, because I'm not terrific at meditating, I'm using other methods to help organize my thoughts, and will passively meditate on them throughout the day. I have a small pouch that I'm wearing around my neck, and within it I'm currently keeping a few things. One of them is

a small, green, agate egg, which is what I visualize gently forming around her when I'm forcing her. I try to imagine her form inside of that egg, curled up and listening to me talk to her. When I'm not forcing her, I still plan on talking to her, and I try to imagine the sort of things she'd say back to me, but only while we're working on those particular traits. After I've finished the kindness umbrella and move on to my next major trait, Graceful, I'll have her reply in the context of gracefulness, being courteous, polite, dignified and what have you, while not thinking about Kindness, giving her time to develop her own way of responding. I think that might prevent over-parroting.

 

One of the other things in the pouch is a long slip of paper with her first umbrella trait on the outside, and a list of the traits we've worked on on the inside. The final thing, for now, is a folded piece of paper with "I name you," on the outside, and right on the inside I've written her name:

 

Chrysala.

 

It's a name that's just been in my head and I can't for the life of me remember how or why it got there. So until I hear otherwise, I'll assume that, perhaps, it was her choice.

 

Now, I'm off to go about my day and passively force. I'm sorry if this went a little long or off topic in some places, but I hope I didn't annoy anyone who decided to take a look at my page. I'll see you all again tonight!


Chrysala

Female

Personality: ESTJ; Soft-spoken wise counsel, devil's advocate, soothing temperament

Body: Western dragon with dark green scales with gold flecks, golden belly scales, sunset-colored eyes

Current stage: Personality building

 

Ambrosia

Female

Personality: ESFP; Cheerful firecracker, seeks to laugh and entertain, childlike curiosity, boundless energy

Body: Fairy with wild red hair, dragonfly wings, deep blue eyes

Current stage: Personality building

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Alright, tonight at work was rough, so maybe sitting down and forcing isn't such a hot idea. I did a little narrating throughout my day, but really nothing of note happened.

 

Ah well. Better luck tomorrow!


Chrysala

Female

Personality: ESTJ; Soft-spoken wise counsel, devil's advocate, soothing temperament

Body: Western dragon with dark green scales with gold flecks, golden belly scales, sunset-colored eyes

Current stage: Personality building

 

Ambrosia

Female

Personality: ESFP; Cheerful firecracker, seeks to laugh and entertain, childlike curiosity, boundless energy

Body: Fairy with wild red hair, dragonfly wings, deep blue eyes

Current stage: Personality building

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Did an alright amount of forcing today. I did a lot of narrating, and I started listening to a CD of songs I burned for her. A lot of them are by a band named Blackmore's Night, which has the type of voice I'd like for her to adopt, if she so approves. I also puppeteer'd her singing some of their songs a little, just so I can try and get her facial features right when she speaks.

 

I get a really powerful, tingly, almost giddy and warm feeling from the Blackmore's Night song "Be Mine Tonight," as well as the "Beyond the Night" song from Stargate. Perhaps I've found some of her favorites?


Chrysala

Female

Personality: ESTJ; Soft-spoken wise counsel, devil's advocate, soothing temperament

Body: Western dragon with dark green scales with gold flecks, golden belly scales, sunset-colored eyes

Current stage: Personality building

 

Ambrosia

Female

Personality: ESFP; Cheerful firecracker, seeks to laugh and entertain, childlike curiosity, boundless energy

Body: Fairy with wild red hair, dragonfly wings, deep blue eyes

Current stage: Personality building

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Alright, an interesting development happened last night while I was narrating in the car to Chrysala. I've already mentioned that Chrysala is going to be, hopefully, a bit of a shapechanger, but before I'm even done with her main form, the obligatory pony form started popping into my head. At first I thought this was fine, you know, because I heart ponies and wouldn't mind having one of the technicolor quadrupeds trotting around in my head, but with that image came an entirely separate feeling, as well as an entirely different name. Amber Rose.

 

These different feelings I'm talking about are ones that are separate from Chrysala. Chrysala's personality is, for all intents and purposes, graceful, motherly and nurturing. This feeling I'm getting now, alongside that, is this spontaneous, giddy and curious one. I actually enjoy this feeling, because it feels, well, cute and endearing, like I'd expect a young pony to act in my world. It also made me feel better in a similar, yet different way than I get from Chrysala. While her form of comfort helps me relax, this one just makes me straight up happy.

 

My question, if any of you choose to answer it, is:

 

What the heck just happened? Is there an entirely separate tulpa in my mind now? Can you feasibly even make a second tulpa before the first is even done?

 

I thought it'd be an alternate form for Chrysala at first, but it just seems so separate from what her personality felt like. And if I have a mature, wise mother-type in my head, having an immature, curious daughter type seems like a nice balance. But can that happen, or did I goof something up somehow? Also, even if this was just a flash of an idea presented to me by Chrysala or my own subconscious, so is there any sort of danger associated with forming two tulpa at once?


Chrysala

Female

Personality: ESTJ; Soft-spoken wise counsel, devil's advocate, soothing temperament

Body: Western dragon with dark green scales with gold flecks, golden belly scales, sunset-colored eyes

Current stage: Personality building

 

Ambrosia

Female

Personality: ESFP; Cheerful firecracker, seeks to laugh and entertain, childlike curiosity, boundless energy

Body: Fairy with wild red hair, dragonfly wings, deep blue eyes

Current stage: Personality building

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This has gotten rather confusing, rather quickly. I suppose I should clarify by stating that, when I said I'd been thinking of making a tulpa for a while, I really meant around the ballpark of a year or so. A year of casual thought and gentle prodding, as well as research into the subject as a whole. Now that I've finally buckled down and started putting it all together, I'm noticing some very distinct things about my head. For starters, I'm not sure if it's a good idea that I see headaches as a good thing, because every time the upper right part of my head starts pulsing with pain I say hello to Chrysala and talk to her a little. I'd rather not train her to cause pain whenever she wants attention, but maybe it's good to have this starting out just to keep me on task like I should.

 

Another is, because I roleplay so much, I have a constant storm of thought processes, and in talking to myself it's hard to pick out which thoughts are mine and which could be hers. This is why I'm parroting her for now, because if I do have all of these thought processes in my head, I want to essentially "give" one to her, and let her ride it.

 

As for Amber... should I be focusing on both her development and Chrysala's? Or should I try and finish Chrysala and have her help with Amber?

 

Some advice would be awesome.


Chrysala

Female

Personality: ESTJ; Soft-spoken wise counsel, devil's advocate, soothing temperament

Body: Western dragon with dark green scales with gold flecks, golden belly scales, sunset-colored eyes

Current stage: Personality building

 

Ambrosia

Female

Personality: ESFP; Cheerful firecracker, seeks to laugh and entertain, childlike curiosity, boundless energy

Body: Fairy with wild red hair, dragonfly wings, deep blue eyes

Current stage: Personality building

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Ugh, drama. So many frustrating things happened within the past day or so that I'm afraid of forcing simply because I can't rid my thoughts of all of these negative implications. I'm still passively forcing and talking to Chrysala in my car, but if I actually sit down and try to focus, those negative thoughts just come rolling back.

 

Anybody know the best way to rid yourself of emotional clogs like that?


Chrysala

Female

Personality: ESTJ; Soft-spoken wise counsel, devil's advocate, soothing temperament

Body: Western dragon with dark green scales with gold flecks, golden belly scales, sunset-colored eyes

Current stage: Personality building

 

Ambrosia

Female

Personality: ESFP; Cheerful firecracker, seeks to laugh and entertain, childlike curiosity, boundless energy

Body: Fairy with wild red hair, dragonfly wings, deep blue eyes

Current stage: Personality building

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Interesting development. Last night before I went to sleep, I started hearing whispers right on the edge of me conking out and actually falling asleep. I kept myself awake during that period and what I heard was essentially several different voices and words just cycling through as if someone was rapidly changing a radio station. I tried to make some sort of contact with it, maybe get them to say something coherent, or ask if it was my tulpa, but just more cycling. Eventually it faded.

 

Anybody else have this kind of phenomenon? I thought it was interesting, but more than a little intimidating because there were so many voices and not a single one of them said anything coherent or even encouraging.


Chrysala

Female

Personality: ESTJ; Soft-spoken wise counsel, devil's advocate, soothing temperament

Body: Western dragon with dark green scales with gold flecks, golden belly scales, sunset-colored eyes

Current stage: Personality building

 

Ambrosia

Female

Personality: ESFP; Cheerful firecracker, seeks to laugh and entertain, childlike curiosity, boundless energy

Body: Fairy with wild red hair, dragonfly wings, deep blue eyes

Current stage: Personality building

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Anybody else have this kind of phenomenon? I thought it was interesting, but more than a little intimidating because there were so many voices and not a single one of them said anything coherent or even encouraging.

Welcome to my world. These seem to just be random hypnagogic voices that play without much rhyme and reason, and they may obscure your tulpae's voice, unfortunately. Sometimes, when really sleepy, you might be able to contact your tulpae directly and ask them questions without any annoying background noise. I'm not sure how to ensure that.

 

Is there a way to link NSFW pictures, for reference's sake, without posting the pictures directly to the site?

I'm not sure, but you might just post URLs to these which aren't outright NSFW. I'm curious what she looks like.

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Glad I'm not the only one then. I think that I may have heard the first snippets of her voice coming through not too long ago as I was listening to the songs that I use to help visualize her. I could have sworn I heard her singing along slightly out of step at the very beginning.

 

As for her picture, I do have a few that aren't blatantly explicit. The basic template, and feel of the character, is best shown in this picture. Since then I've changed a few things, maybe reduced of the downright erotic aspects (smaller breasts) to give her more of a sensual feel rather than a straight up sexual one, but the same basic body shape still applies.

 

Using that as a basic template, I have a folder full of similar pictures (nothing showing explicit sex, but nearly all of them showing breasts and most showing some kind of vaginal slit) that I'm hoping will help her piecemeal a form together once we start really focusing on her body.


Chrysala

Female

Personality: ESTJ; Soft-spoken wise counsel, devil's advocate, soothing temperament

Body: Western dragon with dark green scales with gold flecks, golden belly scales, sunset-colored eyes

Current stage: Personality building

 

Ambrosia

Female

Personality: ESFP; Cheerful firecracker, seeks to laugh and entertain, childlike curiosity, boundless energy

Body: Fairy with wild red hair, dragonfly wings, deep blue eyes

Current stage: Personality building

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I sketched Chrysala! Of course, I need some kind of scanner before I can upload it, but I'm moderately satisfied with it. I was trying to tell my friends that I suck at art, but even as I was typing it up I received a rather painful jolt on the right side of my head, where I'm thinking Chrysala usually frequents (it's the part that hurts the most when I'm trying to force or speak to her).

 

I'm guessing she likes the picture and doesn't like me badmouthing it. Everyone's a critic.


Chrysala

Female

Personality: ESTJ; Soft-spoken wise counsel, devil's advocate, soothing temperament

Body: Western dragon with dark green scales with gold flecks, golden belly scales, sunset-colored eyes

Current stage: Personality building

 

Ambrosia

Female

Personality: ESFP; Cheerful firecracker, seeks to laugh and entertain, childlike curiosity, boundless energy

Body: Fairy with wild red hair, dragonfly wings, deep blue eyes

Current stage: Personality building

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