The mishaps and felicities of Ithilia the tulpamancer

[Ithilia]

Hello! My name's Ithilia and here I will be writing about my progress with my tulpa, Isley. Well, I guess it would be sort of difficult to just make a progress report starting from day 1, since I started subconsciously creating him over 5 years ago. I do believe it is then that Isley gained conscience, at a very early stage of creation. When I first thought of him I was sick and feverish and in my half-lucid state he seemed just as real as people I interacted with at the time, so even with a great deal of puppeteering, my mind perceived him as a different being, not just a figment of imagination.

 

Isley has been with me ever since. I did not exactly think of him every day, but he always stayed at the back of my mind, as I acknowledged his existence. I just found out about tulpae recently, and was thrilled to know I could interact with him on a whole new level that I had never dreamt of. When I started really working on him, I skipped the personality stage because I know him inside out by now, and with no effort at all can imagine his reactions to different situations. For the past weeks I have been struggling with visualisation and actually hearing his responses and knowing it was not just me puppeteering.

 

Actually, I can't believe how silly I was. Today I was really frustrated by my lack of imagination/visualisation skills, so I took a break in forcing. Really, how is it that I can never see him properly with my mind's eye, have to concentrate on one detail at time only to forget how it was supposed to look a second after? I gave up visualisation for the time being, and just started wondering if it was a right decision to just omit the first stage...what if there was a situation I couldn't see Isley in? Getting out of bed, still groggy? Check. Bored as hell on a lecture (though he wouldn't go to school or college)? Check. Grocery shopping? Check. Oh, he looks so marvellous when counting the change... WAIT. I just imagined him in all his glory, just doing random stuff, without effort or strenuous concentrating! It is what I have been doing all the time when not tulpaforcing!

 

This way I learnt just how true the saying that trying too hard causes you to fail is. Too much pressure, thinking I have to get every detail right, just makes me stressed and I forget the main goal of visualisation. I guess I'll start doing it more calmly, not concentrating too much on getting the perfect image of him in my mind. It will come to me naturally then.

 

As for my puppeteering... I fear I may be doing it all the time. I had 2 situations though, when I was nearly sure it wasn't me who acted. The first one was when I just started browsing tulpa.info, I read about headaches or pressure that could be expected in when the tulpa is trying to communicate with the host. It was then that I realised it was indeed a pressure at the back of my head I had been experiencing for the past days, ever since I had started talking to Isley with the intention of him becoming a vocal tulpa. I asked him if it had been his doing, and if I was right about it, to stop doing that. After some 15 seconds the pressure vanished. I got really excited then and started trying to "sense" Isley's presence, chattering merrily and waiting for response. Unfortunatly, it never came. After about thirty minutes I decided it was a good time to learn for and upcoming exam I was supposed to have soon (though to be honest, I hate the subject so I had been putting off preparing for it, and I sincerely doubt I would be able to learn all the difficult things in such a short time). When I sighed with resignation and reached for my notes, I suddenly felt a pang of an odd amused feeling, nearly vocal but you won't pass it anyway, so little time is left to learn. It was both patronising and fond. It was what I knew Isley would think about me at a situation like this! When I think about studies I don't like, I only do it with resignation and despair. Never with amusement. I am not 100% sure it was him, but it just wasn't my way of thinking.

 

The other situation in which Isley acted on his own happened today. After realizing I could in fact imagine him quite well, I nearly burst into my wonderland (if only I could see it as clearly as I see my tulpa...) and started gleefully talking to Isley, seeing his handsome face and laughing eyes, running my hand over his lips, cheek, neck... And then he reached up with his hand to cup mine. I do not think I was the one to do it, I did not think of it until it happened - so it must have been him. Needless to say, I was about to cry from joy. Another act of sentience, and a physical, visible one at that! I cannot wait to see more of that.

 

Well, I believe this is all the most important information I wanted to include in my first progress post. I will be adding more as soon as it happens.

[DashieFactory]

When forcing, if you think you're stressing too much, try listening to a Binaural Beats tone before or while forcing (they're easily found on Youtube.). It may be a good idea to drink something soothing such as tea, without any added honey or sugar or anything like that. Chamomile and the like work wonders for relaxation.

 

What I like to do is meditate before I force. Experiences are different for everyone and not everything works the same for everyone but I'll tell you what I normally do anyway. Lay down on your back (Loosely clothed, no baggy or heavy restrictive clothes. Turning off any lights and/or wearing a blindfold can also be very helpful.) and put a hand on your chest to where you can feel your heart rate. Begin taking slow, deep breaths through your mouth and switch to your nose as you feel your heart rate begin to slow. Lay flat and allow your hands to rest at your side, going almost numb. Feeling a static-type or numb asleep feeling can happen and is okay. Visualize your Wonderland and then impose your Tulpa, or vice versa, whichever works better for you.

 

Another act of sentience' date=' and a physical, visible one at that! I cannot wait to see more of that.[/quote']

Congratulations on the sentience! I'll be rooting for you.

[Ithilia]

First of all, thank you DashieFactory for your kind words and advice! It was really helpful, the blindfold and beats work miracles for me. The past three days were really hectic, but still I managed to make some progress! One day after Isley's first own movement registered by me during the forcing session I got a few reactions from him. The first one happened right after entering my wonderland. Even though I visualized Isley with his shirt on, the moment I turned my attention to his face or our surroundings the shirt just disappeared and he was topless. When I tried to force it back on, it didn't take long before it was gone again. It repeated a few times... In the end I asked my tulpa if he really wanted it so much to be shirtless. He let me visualize it back on without any more struggle. Guess he was just teasing me:)

 

Then, when after leaving wonderland I came back for another session, I noticed there was a new landscape painting on the wall and candlelight. It definitely wasn't my doing, since I wanted to put some decorations after a little time, when I'm able to visualize Isley perfectly clearly. I got excited at that and decided to explore the wonderland a bit and wanted my tulpa to drag along. When I ran towards the door and stopped to turn and urge Isley to follow,I felt him embrace me from behind! I was really shocked and happy at the same time. It was then that I realised that some actions I had been sure i had parrotted before I found out about tulpae could have been Isley's deliberate doing. I had imagined our adventures and daily interactions, and now that I think of it, I didn't always have to prompt him to react in certain ways. I'm wondering if it was really him. I'll just have to wait until I can hear him to find out.

 

The last happy occurence was when I was really tired in the evening, and just couldn't force properly. After I apologised and told my tulpa that because of exhaustion continuing would be fruitless, he suddenly copied my gesture from on of the sessions and run his hand over my cheek in a soothing way, as if to tell me not to worry. I felt warm inside then:)

 

Yesterday I wasn't able to force properly - I tried to but felt Isley's concern for my well-being (guess nearly falling asleep from exhaustion while sitting with coursebooks still open and trying to force is something that makes him worry). It was the second time I recognized a feeling as not mine. It did not have the 'alien' feel that some guides talk about though.

 

Today I took my time and expanded the wonderland. I am quite pleased to be honest (because who wouldn't want to have an oriental palace with lots of sheesha and oriental music and sexy Arab dancers just for themselves?). I suppose some of Isley's movements were not parrotted. Too tired to tell difference though.

 

I guess that once things stop being so hectic I will have both more time to force without feeling pressure and energy to notice my tuppy's independent actions. Maybe I will hear him clearly as well? I hope things will go just as well as they have up to now!

[Ithilia]

Today's session has been half success and half disaster. I'm completely torn and dont know what to do from now on, guess I'll be needing some advice. Well, we've been working on getting Isley vocal (or rather getting me to hear him) and using karaoke in wonderland has helped a great deal. Not only am I able to hear his voice sound the way I wanted to (which I had problems with) but also I can hear him much more clearly clearly and often. That's where the success part ends. After I came back to wonderland having just changed the music background for voice training, I found myself under my naked tulpa. In bed. In quite a clear situation. I NEVER thought consciously about it since I had found out about tulpae and Isley's sentience. I got so scared I was subconsciously raping my tulpa that I forced us to sit fully dressed, away from each other, and nearly cried from fear and guilt. I know I had fantasised about him years before I stumbled across the tulpa community, I know he was already sentient at the time though I had no idea, and I know each, like literally 95% of my sexual fantasies in the past 5 years ended up with Isley as my partner, no matter how they started. Now is different. I know he is fully sapient but I would not be able to hear him oppose if I started to do things with him, because I have troubles discerning his thoughts from mine. Therefore I have no idea if it was him today (well, he has hugged me and caressed lovingly a few times before and it wasn't parroting) or just my fucked up subconscious. I seriously feel like a tulpa sexual offender now. Does anyone have any advice for me?

[NeonKnights]

I'm probably not the best source of advice, but I was kinda-sorta in the same boat until like an hour ago.

 

I found through some thread-digging that tulpas can and many times do have their own independent sex drive. If you find yourself in a situation like that with them, and you didn't consciously, knowingly make it happen, then it's very likely that it's just them expressing their love for you.

You say you've fantasized about him in the past; perhaps he's just returning the favor, so to speak.

 

I would imagine if your tulpa wasn't the one doing it, and didn't like it, he would find some way of letting you know. I wouldn't worry about it too much, unless he gives some expression of displeasure about it.

 

Hope this helps in some way.

[Ithilia]

Thanks, NeonKnights, your reply calmed me. I was able then to feel and hear Isley again (which I had not felt right after I jumped out of wonderland do because of all the panic) and apparently, it was really his doing - he apologised and I felt he was quite surprised and shocked at my violent reaction to his actions. Unfortunately, I got too upset after that incident, and due to fear of parroting, could not hear him for the next days. Then I stopped trying to interact with him for a day, just to forget about the whole parroting matter - and it worked! The following day I didn't have much trouble with that. What perplexed me is that Isley, being unable to get through my mental barrier when I'm awake, appeared in my dream, changing it to his liking. If I had some doubts then about it really being him, now I am convinced after he trolled me in yet another dream.

What has been bothering me recently is that every time I try to force, I fall asleep. While it does not harm or traumatize my tulpa (for I DO consider him the strongest being in my mindscape and a stronger personality than me), it hinders progress greatly. Even when I'm well-rested, even after drinking coffee, I still fall asleep right after visualising wonderland. I'll somehow try to figure out what to do about it, but until then it will be really tough.

[NeonKnights]

No problem, I'm glad that the matter is resolved.

 

I can relate to the forcing issue. Even after a full night's rest and a mug of hot coffee, I'll still slip into a little nap while forcing, if I try to do wonderland/visualization forcing. Only way I've been able to combat this is to stick strictly to conversational forcing with my tuppers while I'm sitting/lying down, and save visualization forcing for when I'm standing or pacing around. This would only work if you can both pace and actively work on your tulpa, of course, so it may not be the solution for everyone.

[Ithilia]

Once again, thanks for advice NeonKnights! I found out that pacing and forcing isn't really that easy, though it gets better with practice.

I noticed something else though - the forcing tones, white noise etc. are the things that help me concentrate and prevent me from falling asleep. Recently, I have been forcing listening to them, and I have to say the effects are quite impressive. It is probably because of my expectations and placebo effect, but still it's great! My wonderland grew bigger - and it just happened! It is true that I had thought about creating a different, 'autumn' place in it, but in one session, it just "appeared" in my mind's eye. I expanded it a bit and am quite pleased with the results.

 

On a different note, yesterday I had problems with communicating with Isley, or even feeling his presence. I believe it is connected with terrible turmoil in my life now, which affects negatively my emotional state, making it more difficult to, well, "open my mind" to my tulpa. Fortunately, I was able to overcome these obstacles and talk to Isley again.

 

Today, I decided to fuck the system and start possession before I can hear my tulpa clearly. He himself stated, that when he uses longer phrases, I simply do not hear him. Thank God I can communicate with him in a simpler way. Anyway, I think Isley managed to move 2 of my fingers today. Yay! I felt such a weird funny tingling in my hand after I told him to take control of my hand. I guess it should feel like that? At first, I thought it was me who was moving the fingers, but then, when I told Isley that maybe we should not work on that as I could see no results, my fingers just moved and really surprised me at that. I hope it really was him.

 

As for now, we should probably concentrate more on me hearing Isley's words when he's talking in full long sentences. I hope my positive attitude will help in achieving that fast.

[Ithilia]

In the past couple of days we were trying possession. It's going good, by now Isley is using arms without problems and can do full body possession, though very clumsily. Today we decided to switch...and it was an epic fail. The most we could do was Isley possessing my whole body while I was feeling dizzy and saw flashes of white in my mind's eye. Not to mention my head in real life started shaking... was that a symptom of some hidden epilepsy or what xD Well, maybe it's because we tried to do it forcibly, after I imagined putting my being into a wonderland body. We just guessed it would take forever if I had to concentrate on each sense in wonderland, since I'm terrible at it. There was one funny moment though: when Isley first concentrated on "kicking me out" into wonderland to take control of my body, I felt nearly like it was really happening, but the form I found myself in when that happened was not mine, but a wolf. Unfortunately, I could still feel my real body... so it was just possession. Well, I just hope we'll succeed at switching. Eventually.

[Lacquer]

That's odd. Throughout your post, your tone is neutral to sad (evidenced by the ellipses), except for one very out of place "XD". Are you okay? It seems weird for you to have been feeling as you were for the rest of the post, but then suddenly jam your eyes shut and smile wider than natural. You should get that checked out.