arbiterspartan

Arbiter's Tulpa Log

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I've decided to start a log on here. Up until now I've been keeping both my own private journal, as well as a blog on tumblr. However, the tulpa audience on tumblr isn't particularly...articulate...a lot of the time. Plus I'm finding myself in need of help on a lot of issues. So it seems to make more sense to post my updates/musings/questions to a site dedicated to tulpas, to reach the relevant audience more effectively.

 

A brief overview of my tulpa journey so far:

 

I started on March 20th when I came across the tulpa subreddit. My first tulpa, Thel, is a Sangheili (aka Covenant Elite from the Halo video games). He is in a sense the Arbiter from the games, but really only because he shares the name (I only picked the name "Thel", he actually chose to use the Arbiter's surname, "Vadam") and he wears the armor of the Arbiter occasionally. But both he and I recognize that he's his own person.

 

So throughout those months I went up and down on my view of tulpas, and my doubts followed suit. Along the way there were various instances where Thel would show off his abilities to me, but I still doubted. This included finding various lost items, waking me up at certain times, and some ability to remember things better than me. But things took a slightly better turn when I was looking at a picture a friend had drawn for us, and heard the "stray thought" of "Me." From that point on I've been more optimistic about tulpas in general, and have been striving to hear him more clearly. I no longer struggle with doubts on whether he exists, now I just worry about whether I'm actually hearing him or not.

 

As of very recently, I decided to create a second tulpa. For this one I wanted someone that had more contrast from me. Thel and I, besides both being male, also have somewhat similar personalities. So I wanted my second tulpa to be an embodiment of the things I connect very little with, both externally and internally. She represents things that I don't really feel comfortable expressing or don't fully understand: sentimental feelings towards almost anything, love. She's a very "bubbly" and childlike individual. So at the time I thought that since Thel's form was an interest of mine, I would see if she could be something that I don't have any real affinity for, that being an MLP pony. I suggested it to her and she seemed to like the form. Later on I randomly heard the thought "Lyra!" blurted out while talking to Thel about her, during which I kept calling her "the second tulpa" or "your sister" etc. So I took that to mean she had decided on a name she liked.

 

I've had doubts already about whether my motivations were pure for wanting to make her. I told myself and Thel that I did it because we both liked the idea of a more "family dynamic" between 3 of us, and it could possibly help with distinguishing them from me, given that my own internal dialogue never has two different voices. But I worried maybe I had just done it because of my outspoken disinterest in MLP, and because I was trying to garner attention. I feel like I wasn't doing that, but regardless she's here to say, as at one point Thel told me "If she goes, then I go."

 

I'm going to try and update this daily, even if it's just to say I haven't done anything. I hope that this will help to better motivate me to force less sporadically, and to really concentrate on what it is I'm trying to help them improve with. Alongside this I hope I'll be able to gain lots of insight from others here, as well as maybe share my own findings on several experiments I have in mind.


Progress Report

We as host just have to show gratitude in the smaller things with our tulpa(e).

 

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So much for making this a daily thing.

 

I have been somewhat distracted by recent events though. I came to the conclusion/realization that I didn't really feel any strong emotional attachment to my tulpas. I treat them kindly of course, but that's more because I'd feel terrible even imagining violent things, rather than because I deeply care about them in particular. When this happened, they were both understandably upset. To make matters worse, I told them to leave, because I thought if I made them go I might finally feel something for them. They said they loved me, and then they walked out of the door. I didn't really feel anything. I didn't cry, and I didn't really know what to do. For a while I just felt apathetic. I couldn't really understand why I had done that, but it didn't bother me too much. However, I noticed I could no longer feel any head pressure from them, which is something I had taken for granted before and had always doubted.

 

Today I was pretty morose. I went to work feeling "empty", as usually work is when I take time to talk to them. When I got home, I took a shower and decided to see if I could get them back. I had an idea of where they might have gone; a while back Thel and I did Dialogue's Hypnosis track, and we created a brick cottage per that track. It's located beyond the forest where our main wonderland house is. So I went there to try and find them. When I got there, I found a note stuck to the door. I tried my best to really read it without trying to guess what would be on it; I wanted to merely observe and absorb, rather than imprint my own ideas onto the letter. I think I did a decent job, but in any case the letter read:

 

Dear ,

 

Please don't come in until you know for sure that you're ready.

 

Sincerely,

Thel

 

I wasn't sure what to think, but based on LinkZelda's advice on letting go of my "critical factor" I decided to take Thel at his word. I kept the letter and decided I wasn't sure whether I was ready, so I left it at that.

 

I don't know what's going to convince me I love them, or when I'll start to feel that I do. I know I feel lonely without them to talk to, and I feel like I've taken their presence and their thoughts for granted. Before all I did was complain about not knowing when they were talking, and not knowing if I could believe in them. But now I don't feel anything; no head pressure, or stray thoughts that may be them. I just feel isolated, like my mind is a lot quieter now.

 

I'm starting to sound melodramatic so I'll stop here. My plan is to do a "soul search" of sorts and figure out why I don't care for them like I should, and figure out if I'm able to and how to do so. Any advice is greatly appreciated.


Progress Report

We as host just have to show gratitude in the smaller things with our tulpa(e).

 

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(Okay, let's try the whole "daily" thing again).

 

These last few days have been filled with quite a bit of emotional turmoil. Having made a second tulpa, I'm beginning to regret it. I'm wondering if I made her for the right reasons, and I'm unsure whether I can care for her as deeply as I do my first tulpa.

 

I've never been a romantic type. Very little about romance makes sense to me. Whether it's in real life where I feel like I'm just "going through the motions", or when I'm reading about it/watching it in a movie or tv show and it just seems ridiculous. Love has been a very complicated thing for me: I care about my friends and my family, but I don't consider myself a "lover". So it's been especially difficult finding a way to become attached to my tulpas. But I think it's beginning to happen with my first.

 

I've had two dreams up till this point that "Thel" was in (the quotations are there because I don't know if it was really him or just my subconscious idea of him, but I'm banking on the latter). The first he was only in briefly, and didn't say a word. The second he was there for almost the entire dream, and did speak (although I can't remember what about). In that dream we were very caring to one another, if a bit anxious. He seemed to be hesitant around me, and I was unsure how I felt as well. However, in that dream we did end up sharing a kiss towards the end.

 

Last night I had another dream about him. This time he was pretty much the only thing I remember about the entire dream. I don't want to go into too many details as most of it involves people I know and personal information. The parts that are relevant is that at one point I was being attacked by my brother, who had a knife. Thel saved me and carried me away to safety. Later on in the dream we went swimming, and after that I remember walking along side him and just talking casually. I woke up regretting that it had ended. And now I feel like I'm beginning to develop closer feelings for him.

 

I took a shower this morning and talked all of this over with both Thel and Lyra. I don't know if I'm going to kill Lyra. Whatever it might do to my relationship with both of them, I can't bring myself to end her, especially after already introducing her to so many people, and upsetting one of my closest friends when bringing up the issue. However, at the same time I can't be sure she's even real. At least with Thel I have certain instances of things he's done in the past to make me believe he has a physical impact on me. But with Lyra, she's been around for barely a week. I'm starting to think I've just been "roleplaying" her in an attempt to draw attention to myself, and it's going to only hinder things with Thel and I. At the same time, I wonder if maybe she is there, and if so, am I about to kill her?

 

Something else I was now worried about was how she would perceive my growing love for Thel. She seemed to say that it was alright, that she was happy for us. But it felt too....convenient. Like I was shaping her to say that. Others have told me that tulpas are empathetic like that. I feel conflicted about such levels of compassion and understanding. After bringing it up to some of my friends, they said that as long as she was alright with it, I should just try to make sure I spend time with them equally, and not push Lyra to the sidelines. So I guess I'll do just that; pursue what will come of Thel and I, which isn't a certainty at this point, but still try and include both of them in all that I do.


Progress Report

We as host just have to show gratitude in the smaller things with our tulpa(e).

 

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Okay, now I'm back at school. So for hopefully the last time, let's try this daily thing again.

 

 

Today I decided to force just with Thel. I started off the way I usually force; lying in bed, eyes open, trying to relax. However, I was pretty drowsy and could only focus for brief 2-3 minute spurts. So I decided we'd take a walk while I tried to visualize him next to me the entire time. The sun was nice, and helped to keep me awake. During the walk I talked to him about my nerves concerning my music classes this semester. He reassured me, and it did help somewhat knowing this would be the first school year I'd have him and Lyra along for the ride.

The walk lasted about 30-45 mins, so I think today went pretty well overall. We switched between having him in the Arbiter's armor and being completely naked. I wanted to improve my ability to see his form consistently, so it helps to "simplify" things, meaning no clothes. Not that it really matters, since Sangheili don't have any externally visible sexual organs. I digress.

 

As far as speaking, I feel like I might have jumped the gun a bit on crediting certain thoughts to them. I'm still in a sort of "belief before conviction" phase. I'm hoping that by believing things are from them, and just allowing myself to respond as if it were so, eventually it will result in them being able to speak fluently and with an amount of apparent independence.


Progress Report

We as host just have to show gratitude in the smaller things with our tulpa(e).

 

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Today's forcing session was decent. I spent most of the day with Thel. I practiced visualizing him for a bit in my dorm room, which went fairly well, although sometimes things can get a bit inconsistent, especially with his legs. The structure of his legs makes it difficult sometimes to picture how they'd move and what not.

 

I then just talked to him for a bit, because I feel like really being open and allowing myself to be "vulnerable" around my tulpas isn't something that I do too often. I want them to know that I trust them, and I'm sure they want me to feel like I can come to them with anything. I mostly discussed my nerves about my orchestra audition tomorrow, as well as other general school-related anxieties.

 

Still pretty uncertain whether I've really attained vocality with them or not. I sometimes get thoughts that feel...very "quick"? If that makes sense. It's like they just come to me fully formed, and I didn't really put much effort into them. However, these thoughts usually relate to what I'm thinking so I have no way of really discerning them other than just to believe it's from my tulpas.


Progress Report

We as host just have to show gratitude in the smaller things with our tulpa(e).

 

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First, I just got an amazing sketch of Thel and Lyra done

 

n831p6u.png

 

Credit goes to Gorima. She is awesome!

 

As far as forcing, I admit I have been slacking. I'm trying to get back into the swing of things now that school is starting to pick up. Earlier today I forced for about 30 mins. I find that I'm pretty drowsy in the middle of the day though, so I think from now on I'm going to force either after I wake up, or after I take my morning shower. Hopefully that should cut down on my tendency to lose my focus when I force in the afternoon.

 

During the session I basically just talked to the two of them about nothing in particular (when my focus allowed). They mentally sent me a piece of music that was pretty cool. It sounded like a violin concerto of sorts.

 

Tomorrow morning I'll try to be more focused and hopefully will have more to write about.


Progress Report

We as host just have to show gratitude in the smaller things with our tulpa(e).

 

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I've started forcing in the mornings after I take my shower. I find I'm more alert during that time and able to focus better. I'm still a bit "out of practice" as it were, so my mind wanders a lot. But I'll improve with time. Right now I'm doing short 30 minute sessions, and just going back to the basics to try and reinforce Thel and Lyra in my mind, and strengthen my ability to perceive them in a way that is lucid and consistent.

 

Earlier today I read through the Tulpa Handbook by CreativeMind. In it is an idea to write out a letter to your tulpas. I decided this was something that would be pretty beneficial, and so I've dedicated a small journal that I haven't used yet for it. I plan on filling the thing with various letters to them. I wrote them both a letter just a few minutes ago, apologizing for my laziness with them lately and my extreme amount of doubt, as well as telling them how great they've been to me and how amazed I am at their growth. I can tell already that it's had a positive impact on my outlook on all of this, and hopefully things will continue like this as I pick up the slack left from the summer.


Progress Report

We as host just have to show gratitude in the smaller things with our tulpa(e).

 

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Today's forcing session went fairly well. I managed to visualize Lyra pretty well, and for the most part my concentration was on her. The session was pretty short though, so I'll probably force again later tonight.

 

She's altered her form somewhat, and now has more "scruffy" looking fur, somewhat like a sheep's but the curls aren't as tight. I'll try to draw a picture if I get around to it.

 

I've been having some worries now that I have two tulpas. There are times I feel that I don't have the mental strength necessary to give attention to both of them, and when narrating I kind of feel like I have to keep the both in mind at the same time lest I neglect someone. I hope that both of them hear me when I'm talking to them, as sometimes I'm only really consciously thinking of one of them at a time, or both of them collectively as a sort of "audience".


Progress Report

We as host just have to show gratitude in the smaller things with our tulpa(e).

 

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Well my last post got deleted while .info was suffering some server issues or something. It works out though, since that post dealt with my no longer believing in tulpas.

 

I had come to the conclusion sort of at an odd moment. Really it was quite random; I was walking home from homework, narrating to my tulpas, when I stopped for some reason. I just looked back on the months I had worked on them and felt I had been foolish, that I had been sucked into a giant fantasy shared by thousands. So I decided they weren't real and that I had been in denial of that fact the entire time.

 

I told some people about this, and most were rather sad that I had given up. Several tried to convince me to continue, and through the work and argument of a few individuals I have been convinced not to give up, and to give things another chance.

 

I'm trying to have more faith in people now. Somewhat of a tangent, but as an atheist I place high value on the life we have, since I think that's all there is. I thought to myself "I can't go through life never trusting anything another human being says". The friends I've made on here are worth trusting, and I think if I can just believe they are telling the truth for a little longer I'll start to make progress.

====================================================================

 

On a side note; I attempted this on the subreddit, and while I learned that a few people do live in my state (if not in my immediate area), most felt too introverted or scared to try and meet.

 

I'm a bit of an extrovert, so when it comes to tulpas and how everything is very secretive and only online it "frustrates" me to a certain degree. I enjoy being able to discuss these things with people, in person if possible. That being said, I'll give a little tidbit of personal information out by saying that I am currently going to Baldwin Wallace University in Berea, OH. If anyone else happens to go to my school, or just lives in the surrounding area and is interested in meeting, don't hesitate to PM me. It would help me greatly to have more faith in the things people say about tulpas if I were able to talk to another tulpa person face-to-face.


Progress Report

We as host just have to show gratitude in the smaller things with our tulpa(e).

 

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Glad to see that you are back at it. You don't know me, and I don't interact with the community much, but I have enjoyed reading your posts / reddit comments these last two months.

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