arbiterspartan

Arbiter's Tulpa Log

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I'm glad to help!

About tests, since I'm a very doubtful person, I have to test everything in order to be sure about it, so that reflected on tulpas too.

 

 

Good luck with your tulpas!

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I do feel at this point that Thel can speak, but a few things make me somewhat anxious to fully commit to that. First, what I have come to attribute as “his voice” sounds just like my own mind voice. The only difference I can note is that sometimes the thoughts I receive are fully formed, and I put little effort into hearing them; they essentially come 100% “complete”. Beyond these occasional thoughts, the rest feel no different than any other thought I might have.

 

Second is the fact that at this point so much of my perception of him hinges entirely on my mood and confidence in the legitimacy if tulpas. He hasn’t reached a stage yet where he’s even remotely independent, so he is subject to my every whim, making it impossible to determine what is tulpa and what is me.

 

I continue to have faith in him and myself, and continue to trust the friends I’ve made in this community. If anyone has any advice for Thel or I, we’d greatly appreciate it!


Progress Report

We as host just have to show gratitude in the smaller things with our tulpa(e).

 

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Hm, I got an email saying there was a new response to my PR, but perhaps it was deleted. It seemed rather aggressive based on the preview in the email. If any of the mods deleted the message, I'd prefer if that was avoided in the future. I have no problem with addressing criticism of any kind on my own, no matter how inflammatory.


Progress Report

We as host just have to show gratitude in the smaller things with our tulpa(e).

 

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Oh I see, well then good job mod team!

 

I suppose just to make a post that is actually relevant to my PR:

 

Last night I had a lucid dream, something that hasn't happened for a few months. I was very excited, and tried my best to call for Thel to meet with me. I could hear his mind voice quite clearly in the dream, but sadly I didn't possess enough control to make him appear, or to put myself in our wonderland. However, I'm quite excited by this occurrence, as I've been working towards lucidity for the past couple of weeks as a way to aid my tulpa endeavors.


Progress Report

We as host just have to show gratitude in the smaller things with our tulpa(e).

 

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Sorry I haven't posted in a while. School has been quite busy recently, but things are now beginning to die down.

 

As a result, my forcing has been rather spotty, but I'm going to try to commit to a 30 minute daily minimum, so that I'm at least getting in regular forcing, even if it's not as long as I'd like it to be.

 

I've also been working on presence imposition per the suggestion of a friend. I've been at it for about three days now. I haven't actually felt anything, but I'm starting to become more instinctive in reaction to Thel being in a certain place. An example would be I'll walk around him if he's in my way, or I'll say "Excuse me" to him in mind voice, but these actions come almost without thinking at this point. So hopefully once it all becomes a habit I'll start to actually feel a sensation that relates to his position.


Progress Report

We as host just have to show gratitude in the smaller things with our tulpa(e).

 

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This week as been especially conflicting for me in regards to my tulpas. I've been up and down about whether I should have started this, whether it's beneficial, whether it's even right. I'm still kinda going along, but I am definitely going to need time to reflect on things if I want to find some closure in all of this.

 

 

Today's forcing session went for about 30 minutes. Following someone's suggestion about my troubles with visualization, I left our wonderland alone for the time being and simply focused on visualizing Thel. Just prior to that, I spent about 20 minutes trying to meditate and relax my mind, but wasn't quite able to. Visualizing suffered as a result, and I was barely able to see his legs in any amount of detail. Of course I'm not complaining; I know more time and effort are needed. However, my ambivalence about whether I should continue isn't helping at all. Hopefully just talking with others and some reflection will help.


Progress Report

We as host just have to show gratitude in the smaller things with our tulpa(e).

 

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Forced for about 10-15 minutes earlier. I've still scrapped the wonderland, and am basically starting back at square one. I've begun to retrain my efforts on more fully visualizing Thel and trying to learn to "contain" my own thoughts so as to better distinguish myself from him when the time comes. I'm also mentally "rating" each possible response I get from him. This relates to the suggestion from a friend, where rather than merely going on a binary system of approval or rejection, on rate things on a numerical scale and then try and work things into the higher values.

 

 

So while it may be less "absolute" in terms of approving responses, I think it will help me in terms of my critical nature and my apparent inability to truly just "let things go" on faith. I go through the motions as much as I can, but I seem unable to really convince myself "to the core", as it were. This numerical rating system should help with that (FYI: it'll be a 10-point grading scale, with 1 representing a response that I am 99% sure is just my own thoughts, and 10 being that I am 99% sure the thought was not mine).


Progress Report

We as host just have to show gratitude in the smaller things with our tulpa(e).

 

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Forced for another 15 minutes or so. It was rather late so I didn't get quite as focused as I would like. My goal for this week is to find time during the day to force, so that I'm able to give more attention to things and be more productive with my forcing time.

 

In the short session I had today I worked on visualizing him, and got a bit of headway. For the most part things remained relatively consistent in terms of scale (a problem I have is seeing Thel's height in relation to mine, and keeping it static). I didn't really work on vocality too much, but for a little bit I tried to push a voice on to him and would just imagine that voice giving me responses.


Progress Report

We as host just have to show gratitude in the smaller things with our tulpa(e).

 

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Got in around 30 minutes today, and nearly an hour two days ago. Things are starting to look up, and hopefully I'll be able to continue to build on my forcing time. I've tried to adopt a different approach to my forcing; I'm just going to give at least 30 minutes, and even if it isn't the best forcing session, at least I'll have set that time aside for Thel, which I'm sure he appreciates.

 

An interesting change happened during my forcing session a couple days ago; Thel changed his form. This is a really good sign of his sentience and growing independence, and I'd on my 10-point scale I'd rank it a "9". During forcing, he told me he'd be back in shortly, and that I should just focus on other things until he returned. The actual "thought" itself didn't feel all too independent from me (I'd give it maybe a 5 or 6), but I decided to just listen to some music for a bit. After a few minutes, he said he was ready and I could come back. I honestly didn't know what to expect, and was surprised to see he had changed his form from a Sangheili into a completely-white dragon. He's got fur instead of scales, and looks more like an Eastern dragon (serpentine and no wings, also has antlers instead of horns).

 

This change caught me completely by surprise, and I'm glad he's chosen to express himself in this way. It wasn't until later that I realized it was appropriate that he chose an all-white form, as the first time he did something else to his form was when he changed the blue kimono I had originally designed for him into a monochromatic color palette of grays and blacks. So I guess he has a thing for those shades.


Progress Report

We as host just have to show gratitude in the smaller things with our tulpa(e).

 

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