arbiterspartan

Arbiter's Tulpa Log

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Seconded. I'm glad to see you back as well. Unfortunately I'm many hours away from Ohio, or I'd be glad to meet you.


"'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.'"

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Seconded. I'm glad to see you back as well. Unfortunately I'm many hours away from Ohio, or I'd be glad to meet you.

 

Darn, you're the first to actually say you'd like to meet. Well regardless, I appreciate that you also cared enough to want me back.


Progress Report

We as host just have to show gratitude in the smaller things with our tulpa(e).

 

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Today's forcing wasn't great. I found it extremely hard to focus, and I've decided to go back to doing close-eyed visualizing, as that's what I used to do the first couple of months. I had thought that since my day dreams tend to be fairly vivid, I could incorporate that into my forcing. However, it doesn't appear to be working, and it makes it difficult to remain focused within my wonderland as opposed to in my room.

 

After asking a friend about my focus problems he told me to try concentrating on the "gaps" between my thoughts, and work on expanding those gaps. I kind of understand what he's describing, and I'm trying to focus more on those little moments of "silence" before a new thought emerges, but it is proving very difficult. Has anyone else heard of anything like this? Also, if anyone has any other advice as far as improving focus and "quieting the mind" for better forcing I'd greatly appreciate it.

 

I have orchestra rehearsal in a while, and afterwards I plan on taking a short walk around a nearby park and just narrating for some time, both to clear my thoughts and to get some greatly needed reflection on my tulpa experience/endeavors up till this point. I feel like it's all gone by at once, and this might be part of the reason I find myself so stumped with everything. So perhaps the fresh air will do the three of us some good.


Progress Report

We as host just have to show gratitude in the smaller things with our tulpa(e).

 

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You could try anapana meditation. There's some information on it in the middle of this post. Actually, although it's not the way I describe it there, there is an anapana method where you count your inhalations only -- the idea is that during the exhalations, your mind is supposed to be completely clear of thought. Or at least to develop into that over time.


"'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.'"

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After asking a friend about my focus problems he told me to try concentrating on the "gaps" between my thoughts, and work on expanding those gaps. I kind of understand what he's describing, and I'm trying to focus more on those little moments of "silence" before a new thought emerges, but it is proving very difficult. Has anyone else heard of anything like this? Also, if anyone has any other advice as far as improving focus and "quieting the mind" for better forcing I'd greatly appreciate it.

 

I have this problem a lot of the time while trying to force and your friend's advice sound very sound. What I do sometimes is I think of myself as forcing the thought away. I visualize myself and then send a bubble like force field out quickly all around me to "physically" push the intrusive thoughts away. It works very well for me but that's probably because I associate so highly with symbolism.

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Won't be able to force until later today, so I thought I'd expound on some of my beliefs, doubts, etc. Perhaps any misconceptions I have can be cleared up by people here, or maybe it'll just help me to get these things down on "paper" rather than bottling them up or hurling them at my tulpas.

 

 

Doubts

 

I. Doubt in my tulpas

 

Having reached a point where I feel I have met some people that I can really invest my faith in that they are telling the truth about their own experiences, the biggest doubt I have presently would be whether or not my tulpas exist. That is to say, they are more than just a fleeting desire of mine and are solidly "ingrained" into my mind, in whatever form that might be (subconscious routine, a second mind, etc.). Having been at this for some time, there are times when I wonder whether I have made a mistake and they aren't present. Too often I take a leap of faith hoping that a stray thought was them, only for it to implode on itself when that thought makes no sense. Or even more often, I find myself in a sort of "free association" race, whereby I just let my inner dialogue ramble until I eventually "run out of steam" and things turn into gibberish. At that point I've been thinking it'd might be them, but once I reach that point it becomes clear I was just trying to force something to happen.

 

I make the mistake of trying to hammer out something all too often. I ask them a question, hoping for an answer, and do my best to think of what they might say, and try to really listen. How others remain so confident of knowing when their tulpa speaks, or how some people seem to have a singular event where vocality becomes immediately apparent baffles me. If my tulpas are vocal at this point, I certainly don't know it with any amount of certainty.

 

Having no ability for dialogue makes things very difficult to prove to myself, let alone others. This extends beyond vocality. I do not believe I can rely on my visualization, as while it's not terribly fuzzy, it's definitely not as clear as it probably needs to be. I cannot always "center" myself in wonderland, so falling back on other strategies such as body language or other visual clues is a mess. Head pressures are also rather inconsistent, and I haven't felt any emotions that I'd consider from them in a long time (that last instance being around 2 or 3 months ago, from Thel).

 

It's for these reasons that I often wonder whether I even truly have tulpas at this point, or if I've put my efforts into the "nothingness" of my mind and have just let my desires get ahead of me, spinning a complex narrative in an effort to make my tulpas more "dramatic" and interesting. It might feel real at the time, but then beyond those brief interactions nothing else really holds any weight. I can't get a feeling from them that leads me to believe there's something else on the receiving end of my forcing/narration/etc.

 

 

II. Doubt in myself

 

Second to my tulpas, doubt in myself would be a big contributor to many of the reasons I feel like giving up at times. Most people that create tulpas seem to have some sort of explicit need for them; various social/emotional/personal troubles that they felt a tulpa could help them cope with and overcome. I did not feel that need. I decided to make a tulpa simply because the idea of having a "second self" to converse with was an idea that I fantasized about ever since I was a child. When I was a boy growing up in church I imagined having clones of myself in heaven to talk to. When I was a teenager it shifted to having a sort of "intelligent pet". And now as an adult I stumble across the tulpa subreddit and it seems like I could finally realize that idea I've had for most of my life.

 

However, it seems like maybe without that real conviction, that real need for a tulpa in my life, I might be unable to really believe to my core that it's possible. I don't mean to judge others; everyone has problems in their life, I being no exception. But I've never had any issue with dealing with things on my own, so that isn't a reason I would approach this phenomenon. Then again, maybe that's the kind of situation you have to be in for this to really work; to want something so badly that it changes your entire perception of your "self", and manifests a tulpa from pure necessity and effort. I feel like I have the effort, the determination. But do I have a real necessity for a tulpa? Something that would go to the very "core" of my being, if there is such a thing? I couldn't say for sure.

 

 

 

Beliefs

 

I. A tulpa is its own entity

 

I of course can't prove this statement, but I chose to believe it for several reasons. The first being it's what I expected to eventually achieve in creating when I first found out about tulpas. I had and still have no interest in creating a "normal imaginary friend", a simple puppet of my whims. I want something that at the very least feels independent, conscious, and sapient. Whether or not they actually possess these qualities would be another argument, one soaked in various topics of existentialism. While I wouldn't mind discussing such topics, what really matters to me is that they arrive at that point where reality and illusion mix; where I no longer feel that they are tied to my conscious will, and are free to act as they see fit.

 

 

II. A tulpa is not my friend

 

This is not to say that I would not want my tulpas to be my friends. Naturally I would want to have a healthy and loving relationship with both of them. However, the idea of my tulpas possessing a sort of "worship-like" love of me, or some kind of inevitable friendship is unsettling to me. I do not want a comfort blanket. I'm not looking to have something that holds my hand and tells me how amazing I am 24/7. I wouldn't want that from other people, and certainly not a being I'm trying to make in my mind. I want to earn their trust, compassion, and respect. Not just have it merely as a consequence of our "connection".

 

I also don't want them to feel like their purpose in life should be to make my life better. While I would of course be grateful for any help they provided, they are not my servants. I don't want their entire self-worth to be tied to making sure I'm always happy. I want them to find their own idea of "meaning" or self-worth, and I want to supplement that for them just as much as they would like to help me.

 

In short, I view my tulpas as being people in their own right, not simply figments that are subservient to me or whose entire being rests on the current state of my own affairs.

 

 

Self-Critiques

I felt the need to add this on as just having a wall of my doubts and convictions seemed somewhat "masturbatory". So I will try to reflect honestly on my own faults as a host and as a member of this community

 

I. I'm too judgmental

 

From day one I've taken the stance that most in the community were making tulpas for very.....I suppose escapist reasons. Hiding themselves from their problems behind a wall, in a sense. But I have very little experience with some of the things I've heard from others, and in my life very little has happened to make me seriously depressed (my parents getting divorced would be the single thing I could point to, but even then it happened when I was fairly old enough, and had reached that age where you realize your parents are just as human as you are). I feel like I've gotten a bit better at giving others the benefit of the doubt when they say their tulpas have genuinely improved their lives, and that they aren't merely using them as an excuse to hide from the world. However, I still think I could do better in not holding my own life above others, and learning to better empathize with unfamiliar personal situations.

 

 

II. I complain too much

 

If there's one thing I do a LOT, it's ask other people here and on IRC for help with my tulpas. "Why aren't they talking?" "Do you know how I could do such and such?" "Could you do anything to make them vocal?". I spend far too much time asking for help and very little time trying to help myself. It's fine to seek out answers from others, but there comes a point when one must be able to accomplish something on their own. I could sit here and ask questions all day, and maybe I'd get somewhere. But I could never truly accomplish my tulpa-related goals by just observing and learning. EXECUTION is just as critical to progress as education.

 

 

III. I'm too clinical about things

 

This is something I'm starting to get the impression of from this site. If there was any sort of major dichotomy between r/Tulpas and .info, it would be that often times .info is too cold about things, while r/Tulpas tends to be sentimental and accepting to a fault.

 

In terms of my own place on that spectrum, I think I tend to fall too far towards being unemotional towards my tulpas. I try to care for them, but right now it's more of a consciously driven love. I do not think I really feel anything for them in the same way I do with family for example. It's not something that's very "internal" and a part of me. It's more going through the motions of loving them. I will of course never be purposefully cruel, but at the same time I don't think I have been truly loving towards them. I'd say this is in part because they don't seem entirely real to me, so it becomes difficult for me to invest a genuine love for them, rather than just a skin deep amount of affection.


Progress Report

We as host just have to show gratitude in the smaller things with our tulpa(e).

 

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Most of what you're talking about is pretty common with young tulpa. I hear these doubts a lot. Actually, if you search the forums for the word "doubt", you'll come up with over eight hundred threads. Often the word appears several dozen times in a single thread.

 

Some people are naturally gifted at this, but doubt gets to most of us. Several of our oldest and most respected members had periods where they doubted they were making any progress. Check out this topic in particular.

 

I most I can say is stick with it. Vocality and independence will come. It may take a while, but so long as you stick with it, they will come.


"'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.'"

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I think having doubt is natural: after all, as I look at it, this phenomenon looks impossible at first glance, so I think everybody went through phases of "Is what I'm doing real, or it's just a waste of time?"

Even me, after almost 1 year of forcing (I begun in March of this year, but I had signs of my tulpas' sentience since September of last year, they were born as an imaginary friends) I still have many doubts.

 

In the end, it took many months, but I managed to get over them by doing a simple test. I knew that the test "Surprise me!" with my tulpas doesn't work, since they aren't good with surprises (they became anxious and nervous when I asked them to do something to surprise me, and it didn't help my doubts go away), so I decided to go another route: notice the differences when they weren't there. Since they're usually imposed, I'm used to "have" them with me all the time, I told them to "leave" for 1 day. I know it may sound cruel, but, well, I explained it to them that it could help them too. And, well, it did. I noticed all the little differences that were there, that showed to me they weren't there: those pressures on the head, the little comments they make everyday, and those gestures they often do (I thought they were all parroted... yeah)

 

Now, I know this method can't help everybody, but since I had a similar experience, I thought I could share what I did.

 

About the fact of "not having a good reason" of having a tulpa... well, I may sound immature, but I don't have a real one either. My tulpas were born as imaginary friends not really because I "needed" one, but simply because I wanted to talk to somebody. I've did it since I was a child, and I knew pretty well that those things I talked to weren't real. In the end, they stayed with me far longer than the other ones I had in the past, and they started saying things I didn't think and doing things I didn't expect. It just... kinda happened.

Sure, over time, I started to "love" them ("love" in terms of affection), so I was happy to discover the concept of tulpas, but I didn't create them with a real reason in mind.

Actually, I have a reason, but I "created" it after they were born, so I had to discuss it with them. Well, more than a reason, it's actually more of a life goal for us, so I guess it's kinda different?

 

I'm sorry if this wall of text is actually useless, but I thought that maybe it could help. In the end, I can just say what Shui alread said: "Stick with it", and, I might add, enjoy the ride, I'm sure soon your tulpas will show you proof of their existence.

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[The] most I can say is stick with it. Vocality and independence will come. It may take a while, but so long as you stick with it, they will come.

 

Thanks. I will do that.

 

I told them to "leave" for 1 day. I know it may sound cruel, but, well, I explained it to them that it could help them too. And, well, it did. I noticed all the little differences that were there, that showed to me they weren't there: those pressures on the head, the little comments they make everyday, and those gestures they often do (I thought they were all parroted... yeah)

 

Thanks for this. I might try this at some point if things still aren't working out and I feel like a test might help clear things up.

 

Actually, I have a reason, but I "created" it after they were born, so I had to discuss it with them. Well, more than a reason, it's actually more of a life goal for us, so I guess it's kinda different?

 

Perhaps it will help to think like that then. My own goal for them is just to get them to a point of vocality an independence. Not to say that would be all they mean to me, but that is what I can use to drive myself forward with things.


Progress Report

We as host just have to show gratitude in the smaller things with our tulpa(e).

 

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