How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Voice in My Head

[Strangelove]

One Wild Ride

 

Oh gosh here I go.

 

So I first read about tulpas ealier this year, like May-June (I dont remember), over at /mlp/. Now, I ask you to hold the chorus of "Jesus, not another one", let me say that I was only there because my home board was inflicted with /pol/io. So i decided to hoof it (heheheh) over to other boards for the time being. Eventually I found myself wading knee deep though /mlp/'s various generals and "other" threads. Lo and behold, I find the Tulpa generals. Now I'd never heard of tulpas, and quite frankly it seemed way too cool to pass up. As my years of lurking had taught me, I immediately ignored everyone else I went straight to checking out the guides and other related information in a binge to learn whatever I could. Goddamn that was a long week.

 

Now the whole concept at first sounded cool as shit. A whole 'nother being up in my brain case was simply too good to pass up. I figured, hell im going to give this whole thing a shot.

 

Needless to say, life got FUBAR'd for me real quick and for reasons, I couldnt, (and partially wouldnt) be able to keep working as much as i should have been. Now this is sorta where the plot thickens, but i'll compound on this later on so I can paint a full picture.

 

That's my intro, and i want to say, this is a crazy ride, and I dont think i want to get off anytime soon.

 

Informal Informative Information About My Tulpa

 

This is a good a place as any to talk about the best friend ive decided to grow in my grey matter.

 

Now remember when I said hold your chorus up in the intro? Well feel free to let it all out, cause you guessed it, Its Another goddamn pony

 

Now if you've decided to stick around (not that i blame you if you left ), let me explain. Mainly i went with this cause I love cute things. Really I do, and goddamn those ponies are heart attack tier. Helps balance out all the more destructive hobbies I have. Balance is important - someone probably said that. I mean sure I coulda went with something human, but im around people all day. Kinda boring at that point. Animals? Dont like 'em unless they're cooked and slathered in grease and sauce. Mythological and anything else i forgot? Just didnt see the appeal. Something animu? Im sure it would be scarred after looking at the things i've looked at. Scratch that, I know it would be. ANYWAYS, lets continue shall we?

 

Reasons for Doing this (Tulpa Creation)

Besides the whole process sounding cool, I really wanted someone/something/whichever, that would really understand me, as corny as that sounds. I read all about how tulpas understood their hosts on a lever deeper than any two persons could, and that's what hooked me. That and the aspect of learning more about myself then I know currently. And that memory recall.

 

Reasons for Doing this MkII (This Progress Report)

I felt that keeping some sort of log would be benefitial, as it would force me to look back at my previous work and keep trying to progress. And hell, maybe someone would like to read our story. I doubt it, but stranger things have happened. All around.

 

My Bestest Future Friend

First off, her name's Penumbra. Now the reason I went with this is because the definition ( the region in which only a portion of the light source is obscured by the occluding body) really made an impression on me. Granted I have a perverse love of symbolism and deepness, but it just sorta, made sense I guess. Its like a blend of light and shadow, making a nice grey, or light dark or dark light, depending on how you see it. I felt it appropriate as she's both a part of me, but still she's her own being. So deep, right?

 

Going to go though My work process next

 

Ta ta for now

 

Oh, and here's what she looks like. Credit to the artist, Jykinturah.

[Strangelove]

Ok, so here we go with part II

 

Methods and Ideas

The way I figured it, tulpa creation was like this: Planning>Work>More Work>You aint done working yet>You know the drill.

 

Needless to say, im still at the work part. I tend to jump around and work on whatever I feel like at the moment, but it's work all the same. I really don't like sticking to just one course of action, so i decided my best bet was to read as many guides as possible and combine the info from related sections and throw them at the wall to see what stuck.

 

Personality

I decided early on that I really didn't want to just tell her what she was personality-wise. The idea just felt wrong. So instead I just told her some traits that I felt were important for people to have. I also picked traits that built off of each other, so as to have examples that could work all three in together.

 

Loyalty - We're going to be together for awhile hopefully, so we've got to have each others backs.

Vivacious - Because I work better with Extroverts. No offense, but i prefer people that are as lively and talkative as I am

Curious - A thirst for knowledge is real important to self growth.

Clever - Sure smart is good, but clever is better when you need an alternate solution to atypical problems.

Poised - Self confidence is important, cause you need to be able to depend on yourself.

Questioning - (Curious+Analytical) Best way to learn is to question everything.

Analytical - There's a reason for everything, its just a matter of finding out what and why.

Adaptable - (Clever+Analytical) Adapt, Improvise, and Overcome!

Quick-witted - (Clever+Adaptable) Everyone can think. Few can think fast.

Rational - Common sense, really isn't. It has to be trained.

Ethical - Sometimes our moral code is all we have to keep us going.

Articulate - Everyone can talk. Few can talk well.

Forthright - Doubletalk and bullshitting helps no one.

Methodical - Jumping around just causes more problems. Start from the beginning and go from there. Keep it simple and straightforward.

Clearheaded - Hell, one of us has to be.

 

Visualization

I feel like I've got this pretty down pat. I still work on it from time to time, but as far as Penumbra goes, i can picture her near perfectly. Except for walking. pony legs will forever be my bane. Other than travel based movement, I tend to work on visualize facial expressions and the corresponding emotions behind them, and fine motor skills. Seeing as I cant hear her as of now, I am able to view her reactions and responses, so I can -somewhat- have a conversation with her.

 

Vocality/Communication

The best for of communication we have as of now is headpressure. Standard Left no, right yes you know the drill. She's probably tried emotional responses but, i haven't picked up jack on my end. I have several guesses for that, chief among them being I tend to wear mine on my sleeves, and im just outright ignoring her attempts. This is just a guess though. She's been much more "talkative" i guess I could say. Headpressurey just doesn't sound right, but I digress. From the start, I got the pressures fairly sporadically, but since i first heard her, shes been pressuring me, much more frequently.

 

Now vocality/mindvoice/whathaveyou. This is where we currently are. I've read varying accounts on how to go about this. Some advocate shutting down the mental chatter to hear, and some say to just let the thoughts go by as to not block her out. Ive got no damn idea which will work better, so we'll just have to try both for a stretch of time to test them out.

 

>>>Sidenote<<<

I think Penumbra found another way to communicate for now. I was busy at work, helping a customer who was complaining about the high prices of lemons. I brought up the fact that companies will charge what they can get away with, and Penumbra sent me this:

The big grin and her laughing confirmed it for me. Also, just now, i got pressure where we assigned "Absolutely right". Im going to have to follow this up later. Also need more reaction images for testing.

 

Imposition

I've been sorta doing this from the start, just constantly picturing her walking with me wherever I go. Dont know if it helps or hinders, but I stick with it.

 

Narration

I hate active forcing. Or more so the "sitting still and not doing anything but forcing" forcing. It's not that I can't, so much as it's a pain in the ass. I must admit that the meditation guide I read helped immensely. As such I try to narrate at least 50-60% of the day. Its usually complaining or explaining some niche bit of info on a weapon system. Probably boring, but its what I know best. She does "comment" from time to time. Actually more than she used to. Im not sure what brought this about, but im not going to question it.

[Strangelove]

Just wanted to say off the bat, any feedback is more than welcome!. Criticism, comments, whatever, its better than nothing, guys!. I'm sure I'm not the best or most original tulpamancer, and I'm sorry for that. Truly

 

 

Der Wunderland (Yeah, I don't know German)

 

At first I really didn't think I would bother using a wonderland. I personally cant recall things like smell or noise to save my life. Just can't do it, or well enough at the least. Since I hadn't bother to make one, I did most of my Active forcing in a black expanse. A void if you will. now this worked perfectly fine for visualization. I got most of the work done here. Eventually I came to the conclusion that being stuck in a glorified hole all damn day was bound to be dull as darts. After this realization, I relented on my choice to forgo a wonderland I immediately set about constructing one. At first it was a medium sized house on a hill overlooking a forest on all four sides. Constant rain too, mainly because I find the soft pattering of rain on cool glass to be the most soothing sound in this, or any other world. It was sorta fine the first few times, but I had a hard time working there. Just too much for me to process I guess. After this I decided to tone it down And start in a single room.

 

This next wonderland was instead based on the main living space of an old house i lived at. Its got a Main room (The technical name escapes me at the moment), A living room where we work at and several smaller rooms, such has Penumbra's room, a studio where we do visualization, and My room where I keep my memories under lock and key. Think large, heavy ass chains. Lots of horrible things there. Abandon all hope, ye who enter Here is over the door. This wonderland is much better. I can focus much better on just us, and keep the place running.

 

I'm still figuring out how to maintain the wonderland better, and find out just what i can do with it. I've seen short accounts of hosts forcing items and whatnot for tulpas, but nothing concrete. Ill have to look harder.

[Guest Riy]

I just about fainted when you said you were thinking of forgoing a wonderland.

From my own experience I did just that, I had just an expansive black void. It was...not healthy for my Tulpa. I'm glad to see that you thought about it a bit more than I did.

 

As for the wonderland itself. You're keeping it simple. That may change or it may not, and that's okay. I think it matters more that you can maintain a definitive space over, say, a large landmass if trees or buildings. Just keep it simple and easy, it can always change later.

 

Oh, and before I forget.

I will never let anyone harm my precious bodily fluids!

[Strangelove]

11/27/13 PROGRESS UPDATE

Thanks to the help of insomnia and the suggestions of WubtheCaptain's tulpa Fluda over on Rizon, I've managed to get that much closer to relearning how to hear. As simple as it is, hearing her mindvoice has much less to do with ear hearing, like I assumed. To be accurate, it was more like a combination of mind+ear, but whatever.

 

I decided to sit my ass down and just shut my thoughts up as best I could. My thinking was: Constant/Loud thoughts=Drowning out anything Penumbra was attempting to tell me. I knew she could talk, seeing has she had before. I had sort of made the connection between quieter thoughts and better communication, but this was the first time I had really attempted it.

 

So for my first attempt, I did what i usually do; sat down and just focused on my breathing. When i start doing my breathing exercise, I notice that I tend to have these really small, really short hitches, and as such, I don't move on until I can continuously maintain a steady cycle of breathing in and then out. After this step was done, I told Penumbra my plan. I was going to do my best to think of and focus on as little as possible, as to give her more room to work with. After a few minutes of silence, I heard a really faint "something" from her. Im not too sure what she said, I think it was pancakes or something with a "c" or "k" sound at the end.

 

Either way, this is something that works.

 

One small step in the long run sure, but its a leap in the short term.

[Strangelove]

UPDATE

 

Back again with another update.

 

WONDERLAND

After talking to some people here (Who I am eternally grateful to), I made some improvements to our wonderland.

 

-Added a Library

--Books, Magazines, Newspapers sections

-Added Christmas Tree with decorations

-Added TV

-Added Radio

-Added Headphones (To tune out my bad singing)

 

I'm hoping that the library works out, because I cant recall most of the books i read for the life of me. I really need to get back into reading, but i digress. I Added in some other appliances and things just for varieties sake.

 

ACTUAL FORCING PROGRESS

Still working on mindvoicing. We've listened to a couple of different voices, and ive parroted her in them, but it doesn't look like shes too taken with them. Guess I'll have to keep widening the pool then.

 

One thing I've read about but only just gotten experience with is Tulpa Headaches. Now, I'm not sure if it was her that had started them, but I had asked her to see if she could stop it if it wasn't her, and to cut it out if it was. Either way, the pain ceased immediately after I asked, for which I am thankful. Also she's used rapid and painful pounding to do...something. Could have been to get my attention, correct me, signal her presence, or something else all together. Im going to wager on her being miffed because of something I did, what with the pain and all. Maybe, I don't know, im really bad with figuring out her intent 100 percent of the time.

 

I will admit though, this is all very surreal. Not that im complaining. Hell I actually love everything so far. But having someone one up in my head besides me that can communicate (to an extent) and do other others, is all very just. Hell I dont know, odd. Its hard to put into words, or at least express accurately with non-spoken words.

 

Also remembered something i had forgotten. She really doesnt like dogs.

 

Anyways. Going to keep passive and active forcing when I can, and see this though to the end.

 

I owe her that much and so much more.

[Strangelove]

12/22 UPDATE IF YOU CAN CALL IT THAT[/font]

 

I've decided to stop spending the vast majority of our time trying to force vocality in favor of instead working on reinforcing all of Penumbras groundwork.

 

Visualization-wise, i just make sure to prefect seeing every facet of her form. Her mane is the biggest pain in the ass, but its working. I think im going to try visualizing her in different areas/weather to help train fluidity. If that makes sense.

 

Personality-wise...Im not sure. Since I really didnt give her a personality im not sure how i want to go about this. Usually i give her my opinions on things and why i think the way i do. Ive considered going back and giving her a loose personality template to work with, but ill ask her first.

 

Mindvoice-wise, this is still a priority, just less so. Im going to build a pool of voices from different mediums and see what she likes. Today i tried this out just to test it out, qnd i got a no for the first (Margret Moonlight/Reaper Reaper), and a yes for the second (lady that sings Simple and Clean. I want to say Utada Hikaru, but im not sure.) Or maybe she just liked the song. Im really bad at desciphering what she means.

 

Another thing I decided to start is a morning ritual of sorts. After i wake up, i head off to the wonderland and take time to converse with her and brush her mane and tail whilst some soft music plays. Gotta admit, morning grooming is pretty relaxing all in all.

 

Also going to force her something nice for Christmas.

 

Thats all for now, feel free to chime in what anything as always!

[Celest]

To answer your question, yes it was Utada Hikaru. Great voice, if you ask me. I'm liking this PR thus far, and there are some things that I should pick back up that I scrapped from my forcing sessions, such as bringing back a wonderland. As long as the two of you are comfortable with it, then I can't see any problems there. Good luck to the both of you, will be interested in future updates!

[Strangelove]

To answer your question, yes it was Utada Hikaru. Great voice, if you ask me.

 

Ah, thanks. I would have checked it out myself, but i posted that update from my phone, so i was limited in what i could do without having to start all the way over. I was thinking

 

I'm liking this PR thus far...Good luck to the both of you, will be interested in future updates!

 

Glad to hear! To be honest, it's always nice to see someone comment. Makes me feel like people are actually interested. 'Course, im pretty sure im unoriginal as hell, but still.

 

12/23

Didnt have much outside of our passive forcing today as I was stuck running around town doing errands, and then going straight to work. And a bitchin headache on top of it.

 

I did manage to make it to a local range and try out my SIG P226 in .40 Short&Weak. Despite how goddamn loud it is in indoor ranges, it was ok all in all. After we finished, I asked Penumbra if she liked it and I got a positive response. I cant say I cared all that much for it. I much prefer rifles, but at least one of us enjoyed it.

 

I think im going to listen to more of Utada and maybe some other Jpop artists. ( I dont know if she does Jpop before someone gets on my case. feel free to correct my ignorance.)

 

Also going to force her an AKM in honor of Mikhail Kalashnikovs passing

 

He's working in God's Armory now ;_;7

[NariusV]

I have found that keeping a journal or record gets more and more useful over time. Reading yours has reinforced that for me and I want to thank you for that.