Jay March 6, 2015 March 6, 2015 03/04/2015 Wednesday. I guess I'm still afraid, that I may still if I was controlling her at all, if at all. I don't quite got that "alien" feel that others speak of. Apart from one or two events, I can't say that I've ever experienced my tulpa's mindvoice in a way that felt alien, but questioning their validity or legitimacy in regards to this has only led me to doubt them. Worrying about whether or not I'm controlling them has also had a negative effect on my perception of them, and has resulted in complete abandonment of them out of sheer despair from time to time. These relapses haven't been pointless - I've learned to accept how I perceive my tulpas and our interactions and have made slow but steady progress over the years - but I wish that I hadn't let my fears and doubts get the better of me in the first place, ones that are possibly very similar to those you might be experiencing. Each one of my tulpas is a part of my mind, and their actions don't feel alien because of that, and because they've honestly never reached true independence or vocality. This is just how I see things. From reading your journal, I feel that you're making good progress. The best advice I can give is to simply keep working with your tulpa, and to not worry about the if's or the maybe's or the but's. Take each moment as it is, and know that if you're not consciously parroting her when you get these responses, then you're probably doing the tulpa thing right.
Cjboy1111 March 6, 2015 Author March 6, 2015 03/05/2015 (One day delayed, posting on THAT day, not this day, not yet.) I missed my usual daily post yesterday due to my laptop being taken away. Anywho, I'm now here at school logging my report from yesterday, and yes, I will post another report later on tonight as well. Hm, yesterday night I as actually able to active force for an hour before we stopped. As I built more stuff in our wonderland (Of course visualizing her form for a bit N voice), as my memories isn't a void room anymore I've kinda made it into a theater with memories. But I didn't touch the other door, also just rambling to Vinyl as well, again. Heh, sounds a bit. Interesting. As I finally went into the forest/jungle area, hmm. It seems as if, well. Shreks swamp/house. Which at sight I started laughing. Heh. After that I just went back to our first house and I started working working on something of my own. A vault from the fallout games, since I'm a fallout fanboy, vault 1337. Lol xP (only started slightly as I suspect it'd take a long time to make) Oh and I used Noise maker, white noise to help me focus a lot easier and longer and it seemed to worked as I was forcing for an hour. And wasn't as tired when I started. You can download it where ever, its good help. Her voice is getting better and thoughts, we keep trying at those tests/games that she needs to count as I do something different, we're working on it, even tho she failed a few she's still working on her own and I sense it, as I want to help her become more independent. We keep thinking of making another tulpa, but once she's fully vocal and independent enough we'll work on it if still interested. Oh and that swamp musta been my surprise I asked for, must had been. (read it on the forums) lol. So Uh, so far so good, I'm still really proud of her from coming such a long way. Sometimes her thoughts or mind voice is kinda... Distorted or. Mumbled. Ya, more Mumbled. Or they wouldn't make sense sometimes. I'll post a log on today later on today, and thanks to the people who read and post on this thread/journal. Means a lot. I'm always reading the forums now, and that last post was really helpful. Posting on cell phone, sometimes my autocorrect is stupid so sorry if there's grammatical errors. My name Frost but you can call me Frosty! Our Journal | Discord: Frosty#2744 | Steam Profile
Cjboy1111 March 8, 2015 Author March 8, 2015 03//06/2015 Did passive forcing / narrating all day and her voice is getting better, not much to report but she's still talking. 03/07/2015 Narrating all day, talking. Sometimes her voice is still mumbled and unclear. Or that it's faint. Faint in a way. I feel a connection, a strong one. Not sure if I have head pressure or just a headache. I just about talk to her every minute I'm that I'm awake. My own thoughts and intrusive thoughts sometimes block her out. Nothing really to report. Just keeping it short and simple for this weekend. Oh and she keeps me from being lonely, for the most part anyways. My name Frost but you can call me Frosty! Our Journal | Discord: Frosty#2744 | Steam Profile
lamecrown3 March 8, 2015 March 8, 2015 I can imagine, all I really do is narrate. A part of me feels crazy.
Cjboy1111 March 8, 2015 Author March 8, 2015 I used to feel like that, kinda regretful but true. But me and Vinyl pulled out of that stage. Took a while and might had not been the best host but she tells me not to be so hard on myself. Anywho, I'm fairly careful of who I tell about her online. Open minded people and people that already are into it, people fear the unknown and may call others crazy, I don't tell anyone online, I'm now careful, its because I don't want people to mistreat her or anything harmful towards her, because I told one of my internet best friends and he was starting to talk about MPD or DID but it's not, because it's not a disorder. My name Frost but you can call me Frosty! Our Journal | Discord: Frosty#2744 | Steam Profile
Cjboy1111 March 9, 2015 Author March 9, 2015 03/08/2015 I've been narrating all day, kinda lazy on active forcing on the weekends. But still working on her voice, but her thoughts are still a little here and there. Its easier to talk or for her to send thoughts when I have a clear head. Sometimes her thoughts are a bit unclear or just, a little meshed up. She doesn't really speak that often as were still working on it, either she can't, I can't hear her or just keeping quiet. Were working on it, oh and were looking into increasing her independence.I feel really lonely without her being around. That's all for today kiddies, tata. My name Frost but you can call me Frosty! Our Journal | Discord: Frosty#2744 | Steam Profile
lamecrown3 March 9, 2015 March 9, 2015 Eeehh, I hardly even narrated today. And I've barely done active since I've started. I'll need To find Some string I guess .at least you're doing better than me!
Cjboy1111 March 10, 2015 Author March 10, 2015 03/09/2015 All we did was narrate and practice her vocal voice, she's getting better talking, she can't talk without me having a somewhat clear head. The way I narrate all day before it was a natural thing, that she'd give me head pressure or some type of thing which would remind me, just saying.I'm so just, proud of her from coming such a long ways, now were getting somewhere unlike my depressive November which was horrible. She gave me reason not to keep doing bad things to myself and start resisting the depressive feelings, I knew it was a team effort and failed a couple times but now I'm fully out of depression now, seems rather sad that my other friends are still suffering in dark depression as I got out within months and rapidly I suppose, but without her I'd probably still be depressed. I feel less lonely even though I have 1 friend in real life, tons of internet friends but couldn't be there for me all the time and wouldn't fully understand me. That depressed side of me is almost completely gone and replaced with Vinyl, I don't get depressed anymore but sometimes I think. I'm very grateful of Vinyl, now I feel her, getting stronger by the day. Almost two weeks I guess, time speeds sometimes. More narrating, I guess we'll do vocalizing practices I read off of a website. Have her sing a song? Listen to actual voice samples? Were making progress off of vocalization, almost mastered visualization but she formed her own personality. Point form for you lazy readers(lol jk but I was a bit off topic) - Visualization (almost mastered) (body movement, shape/form ect ect) - Vocalization (40%ish?) (Still working on it, sometimes she can speak but not very much) - Personality (done) (she formed her own personality) I plan on playing games with her in the real world, as we only played Ping Pong in our wonderland. My name Frost but you can call me Frosty! Our Journal | Discord: Frosty#2744 | Steam Profile
Cjboy1111 March 12, 2015 Author March 12, 2015 03/10/2015 - 03/12/2015 Didn't get time to update our journal as my laptop is still not available and my tablet broke so now I'm left with my cell phone which isn't easy to type long journals, anywho. Nothing really going on, feeling a bit odd lately but bearable. Vinyls getting more vocal, and I also drew her out in paper and wonderland, I'll release it later though. So ya, more vocal and visualization is a piece of cake, eh? I'm so used to narrating I've even tried to call her out in my dreams. She's getting more vocal and her thoughts and words/voice (in a way) are becoming more distant. She can talk, just you know. Like someone learning, can speak some words and can't with others. Or she can only say so much at a time. She's becoming way more sentient. But sometimes her responses are muffled or scrambled. Nothing much since then, I'll post another post tomorrow of what's going on. My name Frost but you can call me Frosty! Our Journal | Discord: Frosty#2744 | Steam Profile
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