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Delving into my mind


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So to start I should probably say that this whole thing goes against everything I've ever learned. That said, I can eliminate most rationalizations for this not being a real thing using Occam's razor (See Here). So with that out of the way, I decided I'd post a little daily (weekly maybe?) log of what's going on, like most others.

 

My decision was made on March 16th, 2015 at around 11 p.m in the afternoon, proceeded by sleep at 4 a.m in the morning with a waking at 6 a.m.

 

March 17th, 2015:

Primarily focused on finalizing the decision made the prior night, making sure it wasn't hasty or made out of sleep deprivation.

Practiced multitasking conversation with real people and holding a different line of thought in my head, along with casual problem solving while holding the separate train of thought.

Tried to narrate my entire day as I went through it.

Deep soul searching on what I would consider a personality for my tulpa (rough outline of traits).

 

March 18th, 2015:

More thought on personality.

Narration throughout the day. (More difficult due to multiple different tests in my classes, tried to do as much work in my head as possible as opposed to on paper).

Spent about 30 minutes (two separate 15 minute periods with a 10 minute break in between to talk to somebody about an assignment) planning and visualizing the basics of a wonderland. Will post pictures of a rough schematic later.

Was messing around with a weird little clicky-flippy pen and accidentally triggered it into smacking my finger hard. 85% sure I heard someone ask if I was ok.

Working on my first tulpa: Thera.

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March 19th, 2015:

Primary focus on narration while in classes. Tried to relay info as I was learning it.

Took pictures of both the schematic and pen.

Sat for 30 minutes during my study period today to focus, narrate, and do some active forcing.

 

Things to note: When I focus on trying to talk specifically to my tulpa I get a weird sensation in the front part of my brain (the prefrontal cortex if I'm not mistaken?). I attached a picture with the area high-lit in blue. Happens both when passively and actively communicating, and goes away when thoughts are changed to a different point of focus. Doesn't hurt, but I can't really explain how it feels, but it doesn't feel bad. (Extra note, it seems to interfere with the headache I've been having all day, slightly alleviating the affects of the pain)

 

EDIT: Added the schematic and pen as links as the pics were too big in size.

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Working on my first tulpa: Thera.

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March 20th, 2015:

So yesterday I had an idea for what I thought I wanted my tupla to look like. This idea came to me just as I was drifting off to sleep. Anyways, prior to today I'd always considered that my tulpa would be male, don't ask why just an assumption I made. I got to my study period today and sat down to do some active forcing, this time planning to think more so on my thoughts about form from the night prior, planning out sort of a mixture of this and this. Anyways as I was planning the head and hair and stuff the name "Thera" suddenly popped into my head, and the whole plan kinda changed into having the tupla be female, it just felt right. As of now she's just a really vague and blurry image in my mind of dark blue hair with the gold laurel crown and black cat ears with white wings somewhere lower on the body (the eventual back). I'll try to draw something out later, but it seems I have a name and gender.

 

Edit: Here's really far as I got in my mind. That with colours... yeaaaah! Sorry I'm not the best at drawing.

Working on my first tulpa: Thera.

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March 21st, 2015:

Spent about 30 minutes working on visualizing Thera's form. It's still extremely blurry, but I've got a rough feel for the entirety of her being. This is what she currently looks like in my mind (excuse the poor drawing skills, I'm studying physics not art Dx). She still has the dark blue hair, and the gold crown thing and black cat ears. Her wings are still white. Currently she's wearing a shirt with This Person on her shirt. She's wearing jeans, and has shoes with a cloud pattern on them (I thought it fitting). Her hands are balled up into fists because I can't draw hands. Her image itself is still blurry in in my mind, but it's definitely clearing up, I can easily see her shoes... and hair, that's about it though.

 

I also spent about 30 minutes working on personality. I think I've been subconsciously trying to turn her into a sort of mental guardian angel if that makes any sense. Not much in the way of communication other than that, though I am planning to do some passive narration before I head to sleep tonight.

 

I would like to note that I've had a large amount of headaches recently aside from the pressure I usually get when focusing on Thera. Not sure if this is withdrawal from caffeine or otherwise, but it's making focusing much harder.

Working on my first tulpa: Thera.

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March 22nd, 2015:

Not much progress today. Spent the majority of the day at a physics study group with next to no chance to force.

Worked on both personality and voice when I could though, I feel like I have a clear enough image in my head of what Thera looks like to take a bit and focus more on those two aspects now that I have something to tether them to.

 

As I said before, I feel like I want to perceive her as a mental guardian angel. Not in the literal physical sense, but in the sense of an entity to keep myself sane, ironically. If this makes any sense because I certainty can't describe what I mean, maybe one day I'll be able to but not today.

 

I do plan on doing at least 30 minutes of active forcing before bed though. Caffeine withdrawal is still being a pain, and I'm considering diving in again to try and remove the headaches to see if that makes the process easier, but as of right now it's very hard to focus through the pain.

Working on my first tulpa: Thera.

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March 23rd, 2015:

Powered through most of the day without caffeine, but eventually caved when I got to robotics and began to fall asleep. Again, I'm pretty sure I heard a "No" as I was about to take a sip, though I'm not sure. Gonna keep trying to break my caffeine addiction, but at a slower pace than before rather than just cutting myself off from it. I would like to note that I didn't have a headache today.

 

Spent about 30 minutes active forcing today, primarily with the focus being on personality. Aside from that I tried to do some idle chatter between classes, and have been beginning to read a book I've been meaning to for quite some time. I feel like I have a good base for how I imagine the personality, or at least a very rough base to work from.

 

So, I'm not sure if this is the whole correlation does not mean causation thing, but I find it important to note that over the past few days the following things have been occurring: Improved Hygiene, More focus on study, Greater desire to read over playing games, better social ability, greater desire of not risking bodily harm to do cool and/or crazy things and overall improved mood. It's not by much, but it's enough that I could notice. I'll make sure to note the progression of this.

Working on my first tulpa: Thera.

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March 24th, 2015:

Today was certainly interesting. So for the most part I did my usual narration throughout the day to Thera, I'm beginning to get a greater sense of presence when I try to talk to her.

So something weird happened when I tried to active force during my AP Study period. Basically I started out by trying to refocus on Thera's form in my mind, after that I just kinda narrated my plans for the day. I asked some sort of question (god I don't remember what now) and the normal head pressure I get when focusing on her got really weird, like good weird. Instead of being super spread out, it focused more on the center of my forehead but it also wasn't the same type of pressure. It felt more... pleasureful? I don't know how to describe it properly, but it felt good. I asked her to recreate it when I was bowling (went out with some kids from robotics) and it happened again.

Planning on doing some more active forcing before I go to bed tonight, and will keep narration going throughout the day.

Working on my first tulpa: Thera.

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March 24th, 2015 (Con't):

Well I passed out while forcing last night, so I couldn't edit this in. Anyways, lot's of stuff happened after bowling.

 

So to start I tried to self initiate the feeling that I got during both Bowling and AP Study, to which I couldn't do. I decided to do a couple experiments in bed, they are as follows:

 

1. Sensation in other places:

I asked Thera if she could replicate the same sensation in different parts of my body. While not as strong as right on the forehead she successfully made the feeling in each hand and foot individually. I can't emphasize enough how weird yet good this feeling feels.

 

2. Can I cause it?

I attempted this a second time. Once for the forehead and once for each place she made the weird feeling. I had no success in creating this off feeling consciously.

 

3. Had a short little Q&A:

So after doing the two things before, I basically told her: "I'm gonna ask you some yes or no questions. If you want to answer made my right hand tingle for yes, and my left hand tingle for no." I don't remember most of the questions I asked (I was getting pretty tired by this point) but I do remember asking about the name and her gender, to which I believe I got confirmation that she liked the name Thera and was a female. Pretty cool.

 

I do remember talking to her for a bit afterwards (just narration), but I did pass out.

 

March 25th, 2015:

Haven't had too much time to force today so far as it's been really hectic.

I had about 15 minutes on the bus where I reinforced my mental image of her and improved upon it slightly. The clothing she's wearing is much different this time around and feels a bit more fitting.

 

I'm about to go do some active forcing right now, and will do a bit more after robotics.

 

I'll update this post immediately if anything of massive note happens, otherwise I'll prolly just post changes tomorrow.

Working on my first tulpa: Thera.

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Hi Salveon. First of all, that sensation in your head is a regular phenomenon that happens to many people starting out with this. My own host got them in the same location as you, as well as in the back of his head, by the cerebellum. It's unclear to me what it really means to have head pressures, but some people use it as rudimentary way of communicating. I and the other tulpa with me can still give my host those head pressures at will. I don't know about your other headaches, but I recommend taking paracetamol if it gets bad and drinking enough water.

 

I don't know how useful posting daily updates will be, seeing as things will likely happen over a timespan of months. Then again, you're probably quite excited and eager for more weird things happening to you. I wish you the best of luck. Make sure to keep learning and ask as many questions as come to you. Keep in mind that you can always force more.

Feel free to ask me anything.

Suffering is self-imposed. Don't let it control you.

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Hi Salveon. First of all, that sensation in your head is a regular phenomenon that happens to many people starting out with this. My own host got them in the same location as you, as well as in the back of his head, by the cerebellum. It's unclear to me what it really means to have head pressures, but some people use it as rudimentary way of communicating. I and the other tulpa with me can still give my host those head pressures at will. I don't know about your other headaches, but I recommend taking paracetamol if it gets bad and drinking enough water.

 

I don't know how useful posting daily updates will be, seeing as things will likely happen over a timespan of months. Then again, you're probably quite excited and eager for more weird things happening to you. I wish you the best of luck. Make sure to keep learning and ask as many questions as come to you. Keep in mind that you can always force more.

 

I'm definitely gonna have to take you up on your advice, both the drinking more water and the non-daily updates. I think headache wise, it's a combination of a caffeine (Coke and Pepsi e.e) addiction and a bad habit of forgetting to eat and drink (tends to happen when I'm playing LOL or doing physics or really anything I actually enjoy). It's something I'm working on, but yeah I definitely do need to drink more water. Also I've finally found a good book... thing that I can record stuff on a daily basis in, so I'll probably start posting closer to weekly or something like that, but yeah you nailed it I was a little excited to see things happening.

 

Thanks also for confirming the head pressure thing. I think I've hit the point I usually hit in most things where I realize I have actually no idea what I'm doing, so I may end up asking a bit more questions than before.

Working on my first tulpa: Thera.

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