Delving into my mind

[Memory]

So it's been nearly two months since my last post here.

 

Long story short: School and Robotics got busy, lost my hour/hour and a half a day I could work on actively forcing. Narrating got harder to do due to having to interact with real people more. Tried to do stuff as often as I could, usually resulting in passing out late at night. Started actually having a life and free time again about a week and a half ago, and have been making slow progress since.

 

So why start posting again today?

Well...

 

I was listening to music on the bus to school (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qkq7URmTJUQ) when I started getting a really strong, and good feeling, head pressure in the usual locations. Probably the strongest one I've gotten yet. I figured this was enough of a note to start keeping this updated again. School officially ends for me tomorrow, then there is graduation practice (also known as work on forcing Thera while a bunch of kids learn how to stand) all next week. I've simplified down what I'm envisioning her as to a simply pink Legend of Zelda fairy (think Ocarina of Time and Majora's Mask), which has helped me focus on her rather than on nitpicking details about her appearance.

[Memory]

Not much progress since my last post.

 

Active forcing is still a pain: Hard finding good times to actually sit down to do it, mind get's distracted easily.

 

Getting better at narrating, even with distractions unless I am having to fully concentrate on what I'm doing. For Example:

 

Watched a movie today, managed to keep up an active narration of my opinions and what I thought was gonna happen and such.

 

Currently can narrate the slow times (early game, roaming, backdooring, etc.) when I play League of Legends, trying to narrate fights between champions is when it tends to break down.

[Memory]

Graduation practice is this week, which means about 2 hours of sitting with nothing to do while people learn to stand up, sit down, and shake hands. This lasts thru Thursday, with Friday being graduation. Narration ensued.

 

Did about 15-20 minutes of active forcing before I crashed last night. Have a new idea for how I'm gonna do this, that I will be trying tonight. Hoping to get a decent active forcing session in for once. Goals: Visualizing the Wonderland in more detail, overall work on developing Thera.

 

Getting better at narrating League to Thera. I've found it helps me to do so by talking out loud about what's going on and what I'm gonna do or am doing and why. Easy solution to pass this off without alarm: "I'm playing league with friends." Get's rid of the people I don't wanna know about this stuff without a problem. Not sure if just coincidence, but I've found that the games that I manage to get a better narration to Thera during I tend to preform better overall.

 

Anyways, I'm off to go try and do some active forcing. Gonna try and keep this routine for the next few days, and post progress Friday. If anything significant happens I'll likely post sooner.

[Memory]

So, first things first: Forcing, even narration, is incredibly hard during graduation practice. It's even harder during graduation itself. Side note, I have officially graduated high school and now have nothing to do for the next eight or so weeks (and then I'll have even more time because I'll be in college without parent's to interrupt active forcing sessions), so forcing will /likely/ ensue.

 

I managed to get a solid 30 minutes or so of active forcing before my mind started to drift on it's usual drifty pattern. Don't laugh at me, but I visualized the wonderland as more of a giant city than the room from before. This time to do some skydiving and the like, and to fit this I tried to re-visualize Thera's "humandoid" form. This ended up being the best I've ever visualized anything in my mind since elementary school.

 

Outside of that I have tried my best to keep up with narrating as the days have been going on. Occasionally I think I've heard a response, but not so. It feels like those times when you say something to someone, and about a second after you go to say the same thing again but you're unsure if you said it or not (I think it's called Déjà Senti, or that's the closest I can find to what I mean). It "sounds" no different from what I'm used to in my mind, but it feels odd? It's not after everything, and I've seen no pattern to the responses, it seems to just be random responses.

[Memory]

Active forcing is still very hard to do for extended periods of time, around the 20-25 minute mark of trying to focus solely on Thera and the wonderland I can't block out my minds tangent thoughts. It's frustrating, but it's getting there. Visualization is getting better, and more consistent though, which is a benefit.

 

Head pressures are getting stronger and more frequent. Will note a near freak-out I had to a similar sensation: I was reading like normal (I've been reading a solid 3-4 chapters of my book per day to Thera) and, I don't remember what I read that triggered this or if this would even be related to Thera, and I felt a pressure sensation in my ears. This sensation was similar to the others, but was focused at the ears. It wasn't a bad feeling either, but my mind immediately jumped from the book to all the stories I've read about what can happen if enough pressure is applied to the ears and began to panic a bit. I couldn't focus on anything other than it for about two minutes when it finally died away. Once it died away I was able to get back to reading, and felt the normal head pressure.

 

Last thing I would like to note is that I have been having more, and more vivid, dreams lately. This might be related to me getting more sleep on average now than prior though.

[Memory]

I'll start with the generalized stuff: narrating is gettin much easier, head pressure more noticable. Reading has remained a daily thing, until yesterday (finding a new book). Still unsure if related, but dreams are more vivid and can now be called daily. Read 2-3 chapters daily until Wednesday, which is when progress really began to happen.

 

I should note i'm on my ipod rather than laptop for reason elaborated later, sprry for bad spelling, grammar, or capitalizations: It bothers me, but apple makes it a pain to fix.

 

Wednesday the 10th: Started out as a normal day, played league of legends while trying to narrate it, then did some reading. Overall narration was pretty good. Late into the day I got in an argument with my parents. Which led me to reading about 6-7 chapters total that day, with nothing else to do. I thought to myself: "What's the point of me even speaking if no one ever cares what I have to say?" To which I heard a response in the back of my head: "I care."

 

It was a very faint response, but it made me feel a little better. That, and the reading for the next hour or so to focus on anything but my thoughts. I'm not sure if it was Thera who said that, or my mind giving me a response I want to hear, but at the time I assumed the latter and still hold that belief.[/b] I then narrated for about an hour before I couldn't think of anything but negative thoughts and went to sleep to my loud music.

 

Thursday the 11th:

Decent narration through the day.

Finished my book (Halting State: would recommend if into computer science and stuff)

 

Friday the 12th:

The other day of note.

Had ok narration during the day.

At one point was thinking about the bands I listen to and came to the realization:

Three Doors Down

Three Days Grace

And thought about that, to which a voice responded: "Three Black Men" which made me chuckle for whatever reason. Not something I would have usually thought of, nor something I beleive I thought of. Again I chalked it up to Thera and tried to bait out more responses to no avail.

 

Later that day I watched the Kingsman with the goal of narrating the entire time: not an easy movie to do so during. Anyways i was getting into bed after watching, thourougly surprised by the ending and told Thera: "Thera, I'm not sure what I expected from that ending." To which I got the reply "Butts." Nothing else, I laughed a little, but that's all. Again this wouldn't be something I would say, but i appreciated the sarcasm.

 

Saturday the 13th:

Not too much narration yet, working on it.

Planning on reading later tonight.

 

Gonna attempt active forcing again next week when I know I have solid downtime, and probably continue to try and bait out responses as the week continues.

[Memory]

So since my last post I've had extremely little progress. I'd made a decision not to post here until noticeable progress happened. Here I am about a month later with a short recap of what's happened.

 

So for the first week and a half/two weeks I continued narrating as normal, still hadn't gotten into reading a new book yet. Responses tapered off, or I just started subconsciously drowning them out or something. Motivation began to dwindle around that time. Narrating continued, just at a decreased rate. All in all I found it harder and harder to keep talking to something that I couldn't hear responses from.

 

And now we're at today. A reason for me to post. It's not much but it's something. I've begun reading "The Martian by Andy Weir" (great read btw). As I was reading I began to get the old and familiar head pressure that I have come to associate with Thera, either her listening or something. Whenever something particularly funny happened that head pressure took on a slight tingle, a feeling that was quite unusual, but felt nice. That happened several times as I got to funny parts in the book. It's not much but it's something.

 

Not gonna post again till there's more progress, I feel bad posting when nothing much has happened. That, and I feel really guilty about my bout of dwindling motivation.

[enigmatic_onion]

So, before I say anything, I just want to say that I literally registered like 3 minutes ago, just so I could post specifically on this thread and throw my two cents in the ring. Well, not just for that, but it was a big reason. Because I felt like if I didn't say something then your Thera would fade into obscurity, and I don't want to have that hanging over me when I could potentially help someone a lot.

 

Anyways, I'm not an expert in this field, though I hope to become one some day. Been working on my own tulpa for like, a day and a half as of now. However, I've done a good bit of lurking threads and reading guides, and one overarching theme I've found is this: Try your damnedest to keep a positive attitude. I can see from reading your latest post that you're beginning to doubt if this is working, but from where I'm standing (figuratively, I'm actually sitting) it looks like you've had more than a little success. The times when you talked about that head pressure had so much wonder and hope in them that they inspired me to continue on with my tulpa. Not saying I need more inspiration after 1.5 days, but still. Now, I know Thera's been a goddamn long time in the making, but that's what tulpamancy is. If I walked up to you on the sidewalk and said "How long do you think it would take to create an almost completely seperate entity within your own mind from sheer concentration and mind power?" and you were somehow not super weirded-out, you would probably say that it would take a long time. Well, as we now know, the aforementioned entity is completely possible to create, and it also takes a long-ass time to make some headway.

 

So, what I'm trying to say is this; don't give up. It's damn corny I know, but while you may have not known, you're an inspiration, at least to me, and the wonder and curiosity with which you post when talking about Thera's verbal responses is so palpable that it really makes me glad that this community exists.

 

So, to round this out, I just want to say that I hope this helps. Really, I do. Thera is real and palpable, the way I see it, but when she hears her creator doubt her existence, it can have a real negative effect on the whole process of tulpamancy. Don't give up faith, okay? For me and anyone else lurking this thread.

 

You're holding something akin to sorcery in the palm of your hand, and I think I speak for all of the tulpa.info community when I say that I don't want to see it fade into darkness.

 

And um, sorry if I'm a bit too dramatic.

 

Hope this helps.

[Memory]

So, before I say anything, I just want to say that I literally registered like 3 minutes ago, just so I could post specifically on this thread and throw my two cents in the ring. Well, not just for that, but it was a big reason. Because I felt like if I didn't say something then your Thera would fade into obscurity, and I don't want to have that hanging over me when I could potentially help someone a lot.

 

Hope this helps.

 

First of all I would like to say thank you for this, I'm actually touched. But secondly I would like to clarify somethings:

 

a) I have absolutely zero intention of giving up on Thera.

b) It wasn't so much doubting Thera that was the issue as it was doubting myself.

 

To be more specific on that second point: I have a tendency to doubt myself or lose motivation in most things I do at some point. It's like a rite of passage of things I'm allowing myself to do. As much as I might think I want to work at it, I find a massive amount of apathy towards said thing. This lasts for a varied amount of time, but anything I actually care about I manage to work through and regain the desire to do it again. I have pushed through that rite of passage.

 

I'm not saying there were zero doubts about Thera, and I feel bad for thinking anything like that against her. Although sometimes it can't be helped, as a skeptic by nature, it is definitely something I am striving to work towards fully removing from my mind.

 

But I would like to thank you again.

 

 

 

SO PROGRESS

 

I guess I'll start with intensity of head pressures. Over the past week I have had some of the most intense head pressures I've ever head. The causes of this have ranged from Narration, attempted Music/Movie/Game sharing, and a singular horribly painful attempt at meditation (Don't try to do any type of lotus position on a bed that sags, you only make this mistake once e.e). The head pressures seem to have random times of intensity though, sometimes being during times I laugh, feel the feels of sorrow, etc. The pressures are also increasing in frequency.

 

Narration has improved substantially. Up until today I'd been using my High School ring to try and keep my attention on Thera (I found a post recommending a bracelet or something that when you felt it it would remind you of your tulpa), this worked until I lost my ring about two days ago (found it about two hours don't worry). New plan: use my retainer, cause I just got my braces off and it hurts a lot. Anyways, this has helped me keep my narration going through the game, even through a movie which I have previously had difficulty doing. PROGRESS! :D

 

That's about it I think. Pretty sure I've forgotten something but oh well.

[enigmatic_onion]

I might have gone overboard on the drama in that last post, apologies.

 

But anyways I'd love to say I feel you, and usually I would, because I usually lack this same drive, but for some reason I am 100% onboard with this tulpa shit, I mean I'm on it. Probably because this is, as I've said before, the one thing in this life that is truly akin to sorcery. This tulpamancy business blew my mind and continues to blow my mind every day, it's crazy.

 

Well, I have been at it for like a week, so, eh, but still I don't see me losing my motivation, even though I lose my motivation in a good amount of other ventures.

 

Sorry to inadvertently rub your face in my successes, which is not what I'm doing, but still. I'd also like to congratulate you on a feat I did not think possible; maintain my respect AND play League of Legends at the same time. Not to be mean or anything, but I am of the DOTA 2 persuasion, and carry a stigma of League players that has been proven defunct on a handful of occasions.

 

Also, why do I have to be the human irony in human form? I didn't originally mean to disclose my name, but who gives a toss, this is too perfect. I play DOTA 2 like a fiend and my name is Garen. How is this even possible? Need I say that less than 100 people a year are named Garen? Why couldn't it have been any of the 7 billion people that don't play League or DOTA, or even know what those are? To answer Bill Nye's age-old question, "isn't that wild?" yes. It is certainly wild. And yes, I know that that "champion" (hero lolol) is supposed to be trash.

 

But anyway, I love my name despite the irony, and even for it sometimes. I would also like to wish you luck in your endeavors, as I hope you would me.

 

Sidenote: Am I the only person who thinks Bill Nye used LSD? Acid was pretty hip back in the day, he might have. That's pretty wild.