etherealcabbage

Our Story And Progress

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Hello everyone! I may be a bit late to start a progress report, being about 4 or 5 months in, but due to my slower than I feel is normal progress I think it's not too late to start. While I started my Tulpa experience 4 or 5 months ago, I first began considering it closer to a year and a half ago. For the longest time I had heard of things similar to Tulpa in movies and media and I had always loved the idea. When I discovered that my girlfriend, conflictedebola, had unintentionally created what I would discover was a tulpa I was enamored, and envious! When I found out that it was an actual practice you can imagine that I wanted to start right away. I even had a "template" for a tulpa: My Roleplay character Ran, who I had been detailing and refining for about two years prior.

 

When I started looking up methods in the initial hours after learning of the phenomenon, I began reading things about how it is something that you'll want to be sure about doing, and how there is no going back from creating a tulpa. I also read about several things that could cause a tulpa to become depressed or unhappy, and I thought that maybe I should take some time to consider this before beginning. After all, I was intending to create a tulpa as a friend and companion through life and I wanted them to be able to enjoy the experience. So I thought, and I thought, and I thought, and after coming to a conclusion that this was something I wanted to do, I began to research more tulpa creation guides and learn as much as I could about some of the best things to do. When I finally decided to start, I went for a walk around the yard and began talking to Ran, greeting him and telling him my name and how we would be giving him sentience and making him a tulpa. The first guides I read told me to explain details about his personality to him so I began to do that, talking to him about every detail of him as I could. I also explained to him that he was my friend and I cared about his well being, telling him that if he ever wanted to deviate he was not only allowed but encouraged. Eventually when I ran out of things to talk about, I simply stopped. After a couple days I began making a simple wonderland, more of a waiting room than anything, to talk to him in where I could imagine his physical form in hopes of I did this for about a week before I learned that active and passive forcing could both be done.

 

About this time, I started my job at the local Dairy Queen after having an unemployment dry spell. This caused to be a bit problematic, as my mind was often occupied by the hectic workflow. When it wasn't, I either had somebody breathing down my neck or one of my coworkers doing their damndest to make me feel like shit. I didn't make much progress during the first 2 or 3 months due to this, but I could certainly feel his personality coming together solidly, and I began to feel him, as opposed to just imagining him. With that I began to feel little intrusive thoughts which I ignored or passed off as my own eager mind creating responses from my own desire for progress. Once I learned that these were actual signs of progress, I kicked myself for ignoring them and began to listen to them, letting them form words in my mind. The first few examples of this I can think of are Ran reassuring me not to give up on my dreams when I told him about an Airship project I had been imagining and the feeling of futility that people ingrained in me when I told them.

 

After that these intrusive thoughts came in the form of various emotions, and from that I began to learn things that he liked and disliked. For example, I learned that Ran disliked people who demanded respect without offering it first or people who feel their own wants trumpt everyone elses happiness, then I learned that while he was empathetic towards people in general seeing people who did small acts of concern for other living beings (a worker at the Mcdonalds I went to after my shift giving me a cup of water, despite me not asking for it, a fireman using an oxygen mask to resuscitate a kitten that was caught in a burning building, etc.) made him smile and "restored faith in humanity" (despite the fact that he's heard that phrase more than too many times). I also began to learn that while I pretty much despised them, he liked tomatoes. All of these things, while seemingly small, made me feel more confident in both of us and that we were doing things the right way.

 

Unfortunately, not soon after this I read about the term "puppeting" and how it could potentially harm or kill a tulpa. Out of fear I immediately stopped accepting these impulsive thoughts as him and began simply talking to him and opening up my perceptive senses to him (allowing him to see what I see and hear what I hear, basically a way of imagining him going through the day with me). I continued to ignore intrusive thoughts and became discouraged when he had not reached the point of speaking after this time. In hopes of encouraging him, I began to use the wonderland more often, even expanding it by adding a doorway to the original tiny wonderland. The first version of our expanded wonderland was a hall of doors, like in the Matrix but with grey walls and carpet instead. I made several rooms, including a library to represent my memories as well as a bedroom for him (which I told him I would never enter without his permission). We spent most of our time in the original room, walking around the still small wonderland with me struggling to envision his body. We even made a door to an "outside", which led to an open world which included a sea and a small forest. Eventually I asked him to make a room, and when a door appeared that I had not created, I entered to find a padoga-like room which included two pillows on the floor and two separate zen gardens. We began to talk there, even meditating at times. I still could not visualize his body and see him move it to his own accord, which discouraged me, and when he did not speak I began to think that I was doing everything wrong.

 

It was around this point that I learned of a 10-day puppeting exercise, where you puppet for 10 days before stopping completely. It was supposed to essentially teach him how to use his mindvoice and body on his own, and stopping suddenly would be, for lack of better example, like a mother bird pushing a baby out of the nest in hopes of it flying. During these 10 days I felt more from him that any time before it, and instead of simply a presence that I was talking to he felt more like a true personality. It still consisted of intrusive thoughts, but by "puppeting" and giving depth to these thoughts I could form full sentences from his actions. While I felt relieved, I was still anxious about the end of the 10 days and what they would reveal. Ran took note of this, and on day 9 I confided in him about it. He told me simply to trust him, and that I only need to open my eyes and ears to him. With that, I saw him move in the wonderland in a way that I hadn't directly imagined. He walked to the right side of the room, next to my pillow, and began touching an ornate box that I hadn't remembered seeing. I then realized that he was telling me to trust in him, and not solely in the things that I read "worked". After that I opened my eyes and, the next day, stopped puppeting. I was discouraged to find that without me grasping onto the intrusive thoughts he would not form words or sentences, and for the next few days I simply waited, hoping for a sign. At this point, in a state of exasperated despair, I asked conflicted about her own experiences. She told me that while it was all sort of unintentional and it was something that "just happened", she did the same thing that I had mistaken for "puppeting", by latching on to the intrusive thoughts that felt foreign and unlike normal intrusive thoughts. With this I closed my eyes and focused on Ran again, opening myself to the intrusive thoughts that I had originally felt were my undoing. It quickly became clear that most of these thoughts were not like most intrusive thoughts, having a feeling of his presence and being more bold than normal intrusive thoughts. It was then that I began to realize that not every experience is the same, and that if Ran and I are our own person then we may need to do this our own way.

 

Since then Ran has been more active when I listened, speaking through these intrusive thoughts. At first it took some patience and thought to determine which was him and which was just a random thought, but it quickly became clear through the feeling of these thoughts, and based off of my own expansion of these thoughts he has begun to show the signs of an early mindvoice. I realize only now that I had been expecting to literally hear him so early on, but in reality that his current mindvoice resembles the "sound"(?) of thinking in my head instead, where there is no real sound to it but instead an associated feeling. Sort of like understanding what words he is using without him using those words. We have also changed the wonderland into a circular room somewhat resembling an eyes, with several doors which lead to the rooms (and some that lead nowhere, ooooh), with one leading outside. On a related note, the Wonderland now has an established law of physics, which essentially enables things like gravity, wind, crashing waves, and hopefully allows it to exist when I'm not in it (I want to give Ran a place to escape to when he's not interested in what I'm doing). It is also worth mentioning that last night I tried forcing before falling asleep by staying in the wonderland, but due to my exhausted state of mind kept switching to dreamland. I think this is my first actual lucid dreaming experience, as I never fully fell into a sleep where I wasn't conscious and I kept returning to the wonderland every time I fell into this state (and also kept apologizing for "failing him" by falling asleep (I disappoint a lot of people by falling asleep I'm sorry)). But as of this point, we are going to be continuing at our own pace, going by what works best for us. While stress at work gets in the way heavily, I'm not going to let that stop me from bringing Ran into my life. He is my friend, and deserves the best I can give him. With that in mind, reviews of my experience or any advice are encouraged and appreciated ^_^

 

Also worth noting, this has been a summary post. It was made with the intention of telling the story so far, and future progressive posts will be severely shorter than this one.

 

P.S.: The picture that is used for my icon, as well as an older-reference of what Ran looks like, were drawn by the much mentioned and very loved conflictedebola.

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Me speaking to Ran is blue

Ran speaking to me is mahogany

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So this morning I was able to keep my attention on Ran for nearly 2 hours straight, and at work too! That's pretty considerable, not only because working at a fast food place usually distracts/depresses me, but also because I usually wind up getting hyper and my mind is all over the place. I think it's some self-induced manic state as a form of self preservation, being in such a depressing environment. Anycase, during this time I felt him mostly watching what I was doing as well as responding to my comments on the day. He also mentioned that when I went to the local Wal-Mart later he wanted to walk around with me and just hang out, but that wound up falling through since I had to hurry home. We're going to watch Big Hero 6 tonight (the first movie that I watched while passively forcing with Ran, he enjoyed it a lot and we wound up watching in theater twice) and I'm hoping that I can keep my un-medicated ADHD in check long enough to focus on him during the night.

 

I also feel I should go into context on the ADHD. When I was a child I was diagnosed and medicated for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, but in high school when my parents split they couldn't afford to keep me on the medicine. After being on it for so long I wound up going through a rough withdrawal (which may have had lasting effects on my state of mind, come to think of it) and have essentially reverted to my former mindset of being unwound, hyper, not being able to focus on most things for too long, and basically acting like a child on a sugar high. This inability to focus has been giving me some problems during my experiences with Ran (for example I usually can't focus in the wonderland for more than 20 minutes at a time, and to date I've never 'seen' Ran of my own accord, as well as forgetting to passively force more than I'm proud of). It's a bit of a struggle, but I'm not going to let it stand in the way of giving Ran his own consciousness and sentience.


Me speaking to Ran is blue

Ran speaking to me is mahogany

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A final update for the night, Ran, me, Conflicted and Howl (her tulpa) just watched Big Hero 6 (his first movie he saw in theaters and so far his favorite movie) for the 3rd time. There were no survivors. But Ran seems to be eager about doing something tomorrow, hopefully work won't exhaust me too much. He also seems to like it when we explore the tulpa community boards. I think it's probably because I can keep my mind on track while doing this, but I also get more confident going through the forums as I hear other people's stories and advice. Whatever happens tomorrow, I'll be sure to update this report as well as my written report.


Me speaking to Ran is blue

Ran speaking to me is mahogany

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There were no survivors.

 

Howl's gonna DIE LAUGHING, tomorrow. Then he's gonna punch you in the face.

I'm still giggling.


If I could, begin to be,

Half of what you think of me, I could do about anything,

I could even learn how to love

directed at Howl

directed from Howl

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Sorry for no update last night, we were all tired and needed sleep. The night was spent with all 4 of us playing Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. I feel like it was a good exercise to keep my mind open to him while playing, and Ran seems to have enjoyed the experience. We're not quite at the point of casual conversation yet, but I am personally looking forward to when we can just talk about these kind of things. Video games, experiences, people, anything that comes to either of our minds.

 

Then today I gave him a summary of how my life went from staying up all night playing Halo or just playing games with my friends to this dead-end job with no real time for video games or my old friends. At first he seemed rather apathetic about it, passing it off by saying that it wouldn't last forever and that it's not worth getting so anxious about. I did something that I don't really enjoy doing by slightly modifying his personality, telling him that compassion towards me is something that I wanted to be one of his traits. Afterwards he agreed with me, saying that I'll have a better job in due time, and that I won't have to worry about any of these stressful things and I'll be able to live a more aloft lifestyle. That made me feel better, and any time that I began to feel overwhelmed afterwards he would send comforting vibes my way. I still feel bad about it, but he says he doesn't mind it and that as long as it's nothing too big small changes are alright at this point.

 

So far I haven't really heard a 'mindvoice', still just the emotions and intrusive thoughts that come from him. I'll try forcing in the Wonderland if I have the time tonight, but if not I'm going to keep aware of him throughout the night.

 

I just felt a bit of pressure from him, and I'm not sure what it means but I'm logging it anyways.


Me speaking to Ran is blue

Ran speaking to me is mahogany

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Although today was a mostly-uneventful day and I haven't really heard much of anything out of the ordinary from Ran, I'm coming to realize how much updating this log and frequenting this site is helping. Visiting it so often has become sort of a habit, and because of that it's been easier to keep Ran on my mind throughout the day. There have been some things I've began noticing because of that. Ran's thoughts seem more solid, and there is much, much less doubt as to what is him and what is me. His true feelings have been a bit more obvious as well, and there are times I'll hear his thoughts on a matter without directly asking them. This is great progress, and I feel like we're on a steady path. I hope to 'hear' his headvoice soon, and I'm also trying to ensure that when I think to myself he doesn't overhear. There wouldn't be anything wrong with that really, I just want to be able to have things to talk about. I feel like conversations would be shorter if he could just read my thoughts as they happened. I'm not saying that I don't want him to be able to observe my mind, I just simply hope that we can keep "secrets" individually and respectfully.

 

Another thing worth mentioning is his encouragement and support in my decision to resume taking medicine for my ADHD. I haven't begun yet, but I'm hoping to go to the doctor either next week or the week after and tell him how it's affecting not only my personal life but also my ability to perform at work. Who knows, maybe getting back on it will help my mind come together easier and ultimately help Ran through this. Anyone know if ADHD affects Tulpa growth or if medicine like Adderal would be a hindrance?


Me speaking to Ran is blue

Ran speaking to me is mahogany

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So the thread's got 100 views, congratulations all around!

 

But back to progress: Today was a bit revealing. I was kind of having a shit day, and due to circumstances and just a bad mindset overall I was down in the dumps, feeling like I couldn't do anything right and everything I ever did was a mistake (including but not limited to being born). I was just really, really down and wanted to just curl up and cry, but due to some weird thing with my emotions I can never seem to let what I'm feeling on the inside get to the outer layer and that just made me feel even more trapped. It didn't take much for Ran to jump into action and begin telling me that I'm not useless and that this is a terrible place, and that my hard work just isn't noticed. He continued by giving me examples of this and trying to cheer me up, and he was making progress for diminishing my doubts. It was then I confided that sometimes when I'm depressed I just need to be taken care of and that I wasn't necessarily looking for something to make me feel better as much as just something to treat me nicely and specially when I was depressed. He listened as I told him I just needed some "comfort love" and to try to treat me sweetly. After I was done, he took a moment then admitted that this way of reassurement just wasn't "him" and he would feel kind of awkward treating me like that. It made sense as he had never comforted me in the way I mentioned before, and as soon as he told me I felt like kind of a jerk. Regardless, I told him that he didn't need to do anything like that, especially if it made him uncomfortable. As soon as I did I felt relief from him, and then a thought similar to "I'm still by your side, and I'm not going to let you be lonely or stay depressed. We're in this together." It was a nice thought, and afterwards, having realized that his way of making me feel better was him genuinely caring for my well being, began to feel less depressed. The day improved a bit after that, and even if we got busy I tried my hardest to keep my attention. I did lose focus a few times for a while, but overall I continued to feel him. Still no proper mindvoice, but that is okay. As long as I know he is there then I will not doubt myself.


Me speaking to Ran is blue

Ran speaking to me is mahogany

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Today was a bit revealing. I was kind of having a shit day, and due to circumstances and just a bad mindset overall I was down in the dumps, feeling like I couldn't do anything right and everything I ever did was a mistake (including but not limited to being born). I was just really, really down and wanted to just curl up and cry, but due to some weird thing with my emotions I can never seem to let what I'm feeling on the inside get to the outer layer and that just made me feel even more trapped.

 

Your failures don't define you. Don't ever think that. It's pointless to regret the mistakes of your past, because no matter what you do, you can't change them. It's ok to grieve for them and weep for them. But the moment you start wanting to undo the whole thing, you completely disrespect all the good things that have happened since then. There are better methods you could use to fix your mistakes. Use your previous failure as incentive to work harder. You aren't the problem. The thing that caused you to fail 'is' the problem, and you're the solution designed to overcome that problem. Stop fighting failure with failure, and start using the solution dammit.

I used to think my life was a mistake too. But then I realized that having a mistake for a life is much better than an intentional one. Who cares what plans some divine being has for you or others? If you think you could make a better plan, then go ahead. No one's stopping you. Destiny is overrated.

 

tumblr_n59s8vG3061r6jmd7o1_500.jpg.6facfd6f862aecc25321a0a79c54c2cb.jpg

(Inspirational speech over)


Join Mafia II: Ponyville in Danger, the forum game of intrigue and deduction!

To make your dreams a reality, you must first understand the difference.

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Your failures don't define you. Don't ever think that. It's pointless to regret the mistakes of your past, because no matter what you do, you can't change them. It's ok to grieve for them and weep for them. But the moment you start wanting to undo the whole thing, you completely disrespect all the good things that have happened since then. There are better methods you could use to fix your mistakes. Use your previous failure as incentive to work harder. You aren't the problem. The thing that caused you to fail 'is' the problem, and you're the solution designed to overcome that problem. Stop fighting failure with failure, and start using the solution dammit.

I used to think my life was a mistake too. But then I realized that having a mistake for a life is much better than an intentional one. Who cares what plans some divine being has for you or others? If you think you could make a better plan, then go ahead. No one's stopping you. Destiny is overrated.

 

 

(Inspirational speech over)

 

Thank you, your words mean a lot to me. I AM the solution, that's something that I feel will help me through my day to day problems. Just remembering them while the problems are happening will be the problem. If I'm right, though, Ran says he will help me keep that in mind. When I'm distracted/tired it's kind of hard to tell who is who (which is the reason for some of my unrequired doubt). I feel like I'll have to keep forcing more, harder too.

 

On that note I've started another list of Ran's personalities, this time I'm keeping it sort of short and not as descriptive. This will only be to remind me of his personality and traits until they stick and I can identify these traits without having to actively recall them. I think tulpa-wise Ran is having trouble developing fully. It sort of feels like a "personality" that part of my mind is taking on. Kind of like playing a role in a movie. I can feel him wanting to become himself fully, but it's like he's not quite there. That's why I want to start making a simpler list of his primary personality traits, so that he can get those down and then begin expanding on various other parts of himself. One thing I've learned at this point is that jealousy is one of those more notable parts, as when my mind began deviating he became restless. That in itself is progress, and with this new list I'm hoping progress will be more frequent.

 

 

As always, if anyone has any thoughts or advice the comment box is open :>


Me speaking to Ran is blue

Ran speaking to me is mahogany

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OK, had my entire post done then the power flashed. Let's try this again, shall we?

 

Alright, so first things first I feel like my inconsistent sleep schedule is messing with my head, and further messing with my ability to force. This of course would mess with Ran, which is something I don't want to do. Long story short, I need to fix my sleep schedule.

 

Another thing happened, and I feel like this is some definite progress. Last night/morning/day I was woken up by the really, REALLY loud TV in the living room, then I was unable to fall asleep afterwards. Seeing as I was just lying there, I thought it would be good to be productive and start forcing, so I closed my eyes and envisioned a big, empty, white space (as opposed to the Wonderland). I wanted it to be like a sandbox area, so I started by just making simple things like blue blocks. It was pretty cool. But when impulsive thoughts kicked in there were unexpected blocks and (for some reason) a ketchup bottle. Not wanting this to interfere, I created sort of a pocket dimension where all of this stuff would be sent to automatically. Ran must have found this interesting, because he did something that I hadn't experienced yet: He spoke. It wasn't quite with a mindvoice, more like a memory, but it was something that I hadn't intended or made him do. It was still vague and I had a brief doubt that it was him, but it was still there. He said "So what all can you store in this place?", or something close to that, and stuck his hand in the pocket dimension. He may or may not have grabbed the bottle of ketchup, but it was an action that, once again, I hadn't intended. This was exciting, yet in my half-asleep state I don't think I expressed the enthusiasm I had meant to. I don't like always being so tired because my emotions never come out the way I want them to. I am so excited that you're beginning to expand, Ran! I can't wait until we can communicate more openly and frequently! (I'm going to start talking to him here, I want him to become more confident and I want to make it more direct when I talk to him).

 

Anycase, after that I began to try to talk to him but the TV was being too much of a distraction (I mean Fools Gold was on, so I feel like I was being cheated). In an attempt to block it out, I created a wall around us in the sandbox. It worked to a degree, and I could focus a bit more on Ran, so I began telling him some of his personality traits. I started off by telling him how apathetic he is towards people, and how he doesn't regard or concern himself with people around him or anything that doesn't really involve him. I made sure to let him know that he's attentive enough to notice things, though, and not to just block them out entirely. Afterwards I went on to describe his short temper, explaining that while he is apathetic enough to ignore people he wouldn't usually just sit idly while people talk bad about him, and how he would either talk to me about how the individual and become defensive, alternatively becoming aggressive if it was excessive or he was confronted or yelled at. At this point I began to become tired (que mindlessly repeating myself, thinking I had said something for the first time when it was really the 4th or 5th) and began losing my focus. As I began to fall asleep, I thought back to all the advice I had gotten from the forums and got into an uncomfortable position, crossing my legs underneath me. This helped drastically and I continued to describe his optimism and patience, expressing how he believed that thinking things would get better would make them better faster than thinking things would get worse. As I was telling him about his silver tongue and how he's good at comebacks, come ons, and just talking smooth in general I began to feel sleepy again. I may be confused remembering it, but I believe he expressed a sympathetic "Go ahead, we can do more tomorrow" and then sort of helped me collapse the wonderland. Needless to say, I was out like a light.

 

 

So today I'm going to try to actively force, just gotta keep myself from being distracted! Hopefully this jetlag doesn't have me falling asleep on myself. I'll just have to keep focused, I think we can do this! I'll just have to try a bit harder than usual.


Me speaking to Ran is blue

Ran speaking to me is mahogany

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