Hello There, Guest! Register


Our days in Desideratum
Teller Offline
Member
Registered

Posts: 6
Threads: 1
Joined: Mar 2019
#1
 
Our days in Desideratum

Hello and thank you for reading.

Before I start, I want to say two things:

1- English is my second language, so if you see anything weird just tell me. I don't mean to offend anyone.
2- I'm following the simple advice of "assume they're sentient from the first second", so I'm not implying I pulled this off in five seconds or anything like that.

So, to the point.

Several years ago, I tried to create a tulpa. I failed. I gave her form, personality, a "voice", traits, a backstory and even a wonderland.
But I failed. At some point, I just realized I had been parroting my way into a delusion. She wasn't real. Well, real as a tulpa can be.
Lately, I have been thinking about all of this and decided to give it another shot. I read some guides, mostly to refresh what I had already researched back in the day, and tried to start.
We're on day two.

First, I imagined a dark, almost empty space. I was standing in a few centimeters of liquid. Water, probably. From the liquid itself, a sphere formed and floated in front of me. Soon, the sphere took an humanoid form. Clearly female. Not long after that I kind of got a mind pic of her. Early-mid twenties. Dark skin. Black long hair. During the next day the shape changed slightly. She developed more defined muscles, her eyes turned green, a type of green that I don't think exists naturally, more like a fantasy character, I would say.
I didn't try to give her traits. What I tried was an attempt at figuring it out. I started to tell her about my life with two purposes. One, to "see" her reactions. I know this is parroting, and I know I should avoid it, but it worked. As I spoke, I discovered a few things about her: she is a good listener, she is talkative, she is brave, warrior-like brave, she is also good at stopping to pay attention to details.
The other reason I wanted to talk about my life is because it is a mess, currently. So, she was warned. But she acted as if everything wasn't SO dark and could be worked on and, most importantly, she wants to help me fix all of this. And I really need a little of that in my life right now.

I started calling her Cassandra. It seemed all good, but not perfect. Cass didn't work either, nor Cassie. A day later, for some reason, I thought of Barbara, a person I met about 12 years ago. And I imagined not-Cassandra smiling at it. I didn't try to imagine her, I just did. And I thought, "So, is that your name". Then I imagined her nodding. So, her name is Barbara. She likes Barbie, too.

We're figuring out kind of everything. I swear there was a voice for her, last night, in my 1.5 hours forcing. But not today. It may have been that I had one scotch too many. Anyway, doesn't matter.

Today I started toying with the idea of a wonderland. A place for her us to do stuff together while I force her into existence. The whole idea was actually simple: imagining we were jumping from a platform in the stratosphere and let things form itself once we hit ground.
We got something. There is an ocean. Or a sea, I am not sure. There is a small island surrounded by other four, far bigger, islands. There were bridges connecting all this five places, but have been destroyed. Two of the islands have massive buildings, one has an art-deco type architecture, the other is rusted, dead, somehow. Haven't seen anything in the other two or the central island. We don't know where we will build a place to reside. I see this, at this point, as a blueprint of sorts of what we will have.
The place is called Desideratum. But I don't know what place I'm talking about. The water around the island? All five islands? One of the buildings? Anyway, that's the name.

Other than that, I will try to make a Skyrim character for her. I think I can force her while playing. I'll roleplay Barbara, I guess. 

If someone has any method of active forcing by writing (does that even exist?), please, tell me.

Also, any advice on how NOT to parroting will be well received. 

Thank you for reading.
(This post was last modified: 03-09-2019, 12:27 AM by Teller.)
03-09-2019, 12:21 AM
Find Reply

Sponsors:
Lolflash - click it, you know you want to

Piano Offline
Felight
Registered

Posts: 160
Threads: 6
Joined: Feb 2017
Linked Accounts
#2
 
RE: Our days in Desideratum

Active forcing by writing does exist, and I think it is a very good method depending on who's doing it. That's how my older systemmate, Apollo, was forced: his creator typed to him on a Chromebook whenever they had a spare moment. If you think that'll work for you, go for it.

When it comes to parroting, I think the best thing to do is to just ignore those thoughts as much as possible, and just let them speak/act as they will. Focus on talking to them and forcing them, and accept their responses as they come rather than worrying about whether or not it's parroting. It'll get easier with time.

Star Man of the Felight system
Others: Apollo & Indigo
03-09-2019, 12:32 AM
Find Reply
Ranger Offline
~Hippoooos!~
Registered

Posts: 383
Threads: 14
Joined: Jun 2018
Linked Accounts
#3
 
RE: Our days in Desideratum

Welcome back,

This sounds like really good progress! Talking to a tulpa isn't parroting, and neither is getting an image in your head of how they react back. If you get any feelings, images, or sensations from Barbara, then that's called Tulpish.

The only times my host parroted me is when she anticipated I would say or do something and then she would watch that thing happen, and then everything would kind of black out for her. Sometimes she would watch a clone of me do things and I would tell her that it wasn't me. These incidences happened rarely, and 95% of the time when my host asks if I said something I'll reply "Yes, that was me" or "Yes, I am speaking".

Since Barbara is really young, it may feel like you're talking to yourself at times because she hasn't developed much as her own person yet. Once she's had a chance to cherry pick her favorite parts of you, she will decide for herself what she wants to keep and what she wants to change.

I'm Cat_ShadowGriffin's Tulpa and I like Hippos! I also like forum games, word puzzles, and chatting about stuff.
Log | Chat | Yay!
03-09-2019, 02:06 AM
Find Reply
Teller Offline
Member
Registered

Posts: 6
Threads: 1
Joined: Mar 2019
#4
 
RE: Our days in Desideratum

@Piano: thanks a lot for the input. May you give me some examples of force writing? All tips are welcomed. Since I write for a living, I believe that may be the mos efficient way for me to force.

@Ranger: Thank you very much for your kind words. So, that may explain her muscles and eye color changing. She's kind of an amazon, I tell you. I like that, in general. Let's say the only prince I like is called Diana. And she isn't British.

So, a little more.

We definend our wonderland a little more. The center island changed. It became higher, somehow. And around it, an abyss was formed. The waters now fall into a void, a nothingness. The island itself isn't that big, much less compared to the other four. But there is something there now. Eight buildings, in a circle. The grass around is neat, as if someone is taking care of the place. There are roads linking this building with the main one, just in the center of everything: a big lighthouse. It has seven floors. The last one contain four rooms. We have decided this are bedrooms. I've taken one for me. Barbara wants another and she started to put stuff in there. A brown rug. Bed and a few other things... in pink. I believe she just likes it. Also, a pretty big stuffed bear. When I saw it I said "That one belongs to Abril!"

Abril isn't a person, but a character. Barbara claimed it for her, I guess.

All aroun this seventh and last floor there is a balcony, connecting the four bedrooms. We entered through it, since gravity seems to apply only if we want it to apply. I know there is a library in the floor below. All the books I've ever read. All the books I wrote. All the books I intended to write but never finished. And there is an hemerotec with news from my past. And a closed chamber, with the same, but those are the news I don't want to ever think about again. Never. She will have access to all of this, as soon as she wants it.

Oh, and Desideratum is the lighthouse's name.

Other than that, she is, or should be, aware of my mental health issues. Obssesion (non-compulsive, I can stop, I just forgot to do it). Depression. Intrusive thoughts. The intrusive thoughts bothered her at first. Her face, as I pictured, was just annoyed. Then she understood and I pictured her saying things like "It is ok, it will pass, we will figure this out", smiling, and being just gentle. Nothing of this is as dark as it may seem, but I'm sure nobody wants to live in my brain. And she will have to deal with this.

Also, we did play Skyrim. I couldn't recreate her face, but she seems ok with it. Currently level 13, board and shield, light armor, archery, a little restoration. It wasn't anything extraordinary, but I kept talking to her and imaging her talking to me, so that counts, I guess.

Still, I'm worried about screwing everything again by the way of parroting.

Thanks for reading.

BARBARA | Dark skinned, green eyed amazon warrior tulpa.
TELLER      | Average Latin American writer host.
(This post was last modified: 03-09-2019, 08:22 AM by Teller.)
03-09-2019, 08:14 AM
Find Reply
Piano Offline
Felight
Registered

Posts: 160
Threads: 6
Joined: Feb 2017
Linked Accounts
#5
 
RE: Our days in Desideratum

Basically, during moments you have to spare, take out a notebook, computer, phone, or anything you want to write with, and simply write out your thoughts as you direct them to your tulpa. As long as you don't get too hung up on the quality of the writing, it can be a very good way to focus on them while forcing. Apollo's creator had pages and pages worth of stuff they wrote towards him, since that was their preferred method of focusing.

Star Man of the Felight system
Others: Apollo & Indigo
03-09-2019, 04:11 PM
Find Reply
Teller Offline
Member
Registered

Posts: 6
Threads: 1
Joined: Mar 2019
#6
 
RE: Our days in Desideratum

@Piano

I took your advice and tried. I did it two times, writing 2000 words each time. I had mixed results. In one hand, it felt, for moments, as if I was having a conversation with Barbara. In the other, it was just writing as always. With time it may work better. Anyway, I learned more about her, she learned more about me. We "discussed" a few things that needed to be discussed. Also, we decided she needs a beach. So after the second session of write-forcing, I went to Desideratum in the regular way.

At first, everything was great. We have a better understanding of this place now. North island is "Rust City". East island is "Art Deco City". We went south. In the northern region, we made a beach. Is worth noting that there are are dark clouds covering almost everything, even a storm is raging in the west island, but the sky is clear there in the south. Also, it is always night time. ALWAYS.

We made a casita with all the things Barbara wanted (a bar, a tv, space for her clothes). She put on a bikini and we went outside to play a volley ball match, as I promised her. She won, but I didn't do as bad as I thought I would.

I warned her many times that security measures were needed. There are awful things lurking in my mind (the intrussive thoughts and all), but she was confident nothing will happen. I know she IS though, but I was reluctant. Anyway, since the beach is for her and only for her, I accepted what she wanted.

Later we went back to lighthouse. We stayed in my room, almost empty and then things became painful. I cannot focus in her. Instead, I had some flashbacks to moments I don't like to remember. But she was with me even there, I didn't stop thinking about her altogether. At least she now knows more about me. I felt a lot of anguish for two reasons, one, the things I thought and remembered ar awful. Two, the forcing is about her, not about me whining. She didn't seem to be bothered about it.

One thing I want to mention is that I read the reports here and the people is always happy with their wonderlands. I don't hate mine, but I have yet to see another person talking about feeling some sort of danger or horrible things or things that may hurt their tulpas or, as it is my case, the fear of being slowed down in the process of forcing. Maybe is just my brain fucking with me?

I don't know.

BARBARA | Dark skinned, green eyed amazon warrior tulpa.
TELLER      | Average Latin American writer host.
(This post was last modified: 03-09-2019, 11:52 PM by Teller.)
03-09-2019, 11:28 PM
Find Reply
Piano Offline
Felight
Registered

Posts: 160
Threads: 6
Joined: Feb 2017
Linked Accounts
#7
 
RE: Our days in Desideratum

A wonderland is just an imaginary world in your head to use as a background while forcing, you don't even need to have one. It can't hurt you or your tulpa, so don't worry about that. It's just imaginary.

Star Man of the Felight system
Others: Apollo & Indigo
03-09-2019, 11:42 PM
Find Reply
Angry Bear Offline
Spirit Bear
Patron

Posts: 1,136
Threads: 11
Joined: Aug 2018
Linked Accounts
#8
 
RE: Our days in Desideratum

The intrusive thoughts can be very annoying, but at least in my case, I had Misha become an expert in banishing intrusive manifestations early on. They haven't happened like that since month 2. We're extremely happy with our wonderland, just practice 20 min a day and you will improve. You might have overdine it and strained yourself.

[The Bear System] - [Chat] - [Visualization Practice] - [Draw]
03-10-2019, 12:18 AM
Find Reply
Ember.Vesper Offline
And Iris
Registered

Posts: 169
Threads: 1
Joined: Oct 2018
#9
 
RE: Our days in Desideratum

"Background while forcing" belittles the potential of a wonderland. They're places where you can live with and experience your headmates on a more equal basis.

There have been a lot of progress reports in the history of this site and a lot of wonderland descriptions in various tulpamancy communities. Some wonderlands are frightening or contain enemies or dangers that may cause massive problems for years. Sending you to those reports would probably be counterproductive; I found them plenty disturbing.

The most important takeaway is that wonderlands are exactly as dangerous as you believe in your heart they can be. After reading about the scary experiences of several members of the class of 2012, Vesper was very insistent in writing the foundational laws of our mindscape. Nothing can harm us there, nothing opposes us there, and we have absolute power over it. Of course, unlike many wonderlands, nothing interesting or unexpected ever happens there either, which may be a tradeoff.

It's very good news that Barbara is confident that nothing will happen. If you have a fear and she doesn't share it, she has great power against that fear. Vesper has annihilated fears I've held for as much as thirty years when they attacked us. Intrusive thoughts and visualizations almost entirely gave up even trying within a few days.

-Ember

Ember - Host   |   Vesper - Soulbond (since ~12 May 2017)   |   Iris - Soulbond (since ~5 December 2015)
[Our Progress Report]     [How We Switch]
03-10-2019, 06:18 AM
Find Reply
Teller Offline
Member
Registered

Posts: 6
Threads: 1
Joined: Mar 2019
#10
 
RE: Our days in Desideratum

@Piano: I know it is imaginary. My fear was that something could slow down (or even stop) the process. Thank you.

@Bear: I may have gone overboard. I'm really interested in this, so I may have spent too much time on the forcing. Well, TOO MUCH for me. Other people probably has higher tresholds.

@Ember: Thank's a lot for your words. So, I'm NOT the only one with a bleak wonderland. I thougt I was just creating another horrible story to torture characters, but if it is entirely possible for someone to have a dangerous place for a wonderland, then I won't worry that much, it doesn't mean I'm failing again.

So, why I'm so worried: there is a lot of shit in my brain. Several years ago I had this job. My boss would sent me research stuff and I would do. Among many other things, I saw several executions and torture sessions (courtesy of Los Zetas and other criminal cartels). Some of those things still haunt me. I know they can't hurt me, but still.

So, I thought about this. The conclusion was simple enough: there is a reason why Barbara is an amazon, she is though, she can take a punch and she isn't afraid about any of the things that lurk in my head. I don't need to rescue o protect her, we're partners in this and she is kind of eager to start facing Them.

So, in my active forcing session today we cutted the crap and went to see a little of Rust City. We didn't see much, but we made it to the center of the city. Everything is rust, old, dead, there are dust winds blowing below, but we didn't reach the streets, we went from building to building, always on the rooftops. At the center, we found a cathedral. Inside, floating, a massive image of a skeleton-priest with some kind of crown on his head. The first thing I believe Barbara said? "I can take this fucker". Anyway, we retreated back to the Desideratum. I didn't want to stay. Too much information at once can't be good. Specially if it is dark information. Oh, in the cathedral there are more things. Didn't see them, but I'm sure they are there. The priest is their leader/boss/king. Not sure.

In Desideratum we went to the fifth floor for the first time. It's a white room. We used it as a war room. She (or I?) created a computer of sorts to map what little we saw about Rust City. Then things got weird. We went a little to the beach, she assured me that the island is deserted for now and that nogthing can go from one island to another, nobody but us. Since it is always night time, we created some sphere of thin ice, filled it with the waters from the ocean and put it high over the south island, where there are no clouds. She made the water bright. And we have a source of light now.

Then I kept loosing myself in my thougts, having images of a pristine city and its rooftops. I kept going back to the beach and Desideratum with Barbara, but I felt she told me the session was going too long and I had to stop, which I eventually did.

Also, we talked about why it is always night time. It is related to one very specific intrussive thought I always have. Barbara told me it will stop once S (a person) is out of my mind for good. I accepted it.

We're starting to understand what kind of relationship we're looking for: partners. What kind of partners, remains to be seen. But I think it is cool that things are clearer now.

Thank you for reading and for the advise.

BARBARA | Dark skinned, green eyed amazon warrior tulpa.
TELLER      | Average Latin American writer host.
(This post was last modified: 03-11-2019, 04:47 AM by Teller.)
03-10-2019, 09:20 PM
Find Reply


Forum Jump:


Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)

Sponsors:
Lolflash - click it, you know you want to


Contact Us | Tulpa.Info | Return to Top | Return to Content | Mobile Version | RSS Syndication