Tulpaforcing progress

[Seebaru]

I introduced myself saying that I most probably wouldn't ever try to create a tulpa, ever. I said this almost two weeks ago.

I'm sorry for lying to you. Really.

So, I thought it might be nice to report my progress (if there's any) here.

I'm definitely doing it all wrong OTL

 

Day 1

The base I used for my tulpa's form is an original character I invented a long time ago - a human (?) male called Cielo. I might say that I'm creating this character from scratch, actually, since they don't seem to have anything in common but few things of their look and the name. He is very tall (more than 2m), with light blue hair, orange eyes, fair skin, slender figure, long limbs and pretty big hands. I feel this is enough, at least for the first day.

I'd like him to develop his personality by himself, but at the same time I wouldn't want to leave him entirely "empty" and leave to him all the job.

Yesterday I narrated for more than half an hour (I didn't check for how long exactly). I blabbered for a while, then I explained to him what are my intentions and I talked about myself. Instead of visualizing him in my head or in a mindscape, I tried imagining his presence in real life, but I'm almost sure it didn't work much.

I talked to him for a while, then I just got tired.

 

Day 2

I'm starting to develop a mindscape for Cielo; for the moment it's a field of grass, with some fruit trees here and there.

I asked some questions in the forums, and I got some answers I probably should have figured by myself - I should start from something simple and then let my tulpa decide with me what to put in the mindscape.

I couldn't actively force today, not even for five minutes.

 

Day 3

I didn't do anything all day. I read some guides and now and then I thought about Cielo, but not in an extended/intense way to be able to call it "tulpaforcing". I have to find a way to focus more.

In the meanwhile I managed to see better the mindscape. On my left there's a thicker forest, on my right there's a light slope, where the trees leave the field of grass empty. If there's anything more interesting, it's in front of me and far, far away; to me it looks like a brown spot on the horizon. At five-six meters in front of me I started visualizing Cielo; I'm not sure of anything about his looks, except for his hair colour, eye colour, eye shape and his outfit - he wears a huge black coat.

I'm worried he might look too much like one of my characters - I don't want to subconsciously create one of them and mistake Cielo for them. In the community most people reassured me, saying that this is most likely to happen when someone fawns over a specific form (ex. fangirls for anime characters), but I can't help worrying about it.

I didn't force today, either.

 

Day 4

Cielo was my first thought as I woke up today. I can't describe it too well, but I feel like I'm holding him dear more and more, and he is not even sentient yet. On the forums I was suggested thinking later about his looks, and concentrating more on his personality, but I'm still not sure; I don't think I can manage to force him if I don't actually believe he can understand me, and I feel that his human appearance is helping me a lot there.

What if I disappoint him? How would I earn his trust if I let him down in any way? I have a lot of doubts about what will be of the two of us in that case, but I'm trying to get rid of them. I should worry only when the time comes.

This morning I apologized for not narrating at all yesterday. In order to avoid letting him completely aside, I'll try some passive forcing.

In the evening I realized it's impossible to focus on him while doing something else without any help, so I drew myself a spiral on my hand. It's hard not to notice it whatever is what I'm doing, so I think it'll be very useful.

 

Day 5

Yesterday evening, before going to sleep, I tried doing some active forcing. In the meanwhile it was raining heavily outside, which helped me focusing a lot. The disadvantage was, it started pouring down in the mindscape as well, and it was dark too. It looks like I can't separate completely my mindscape from reality: the weather and the light are always the same.

After a while I clearly (for my standards, at least) saw Cielo standing in front of me, in his black coat, under the rain and completely still. He looked like a doll, or as if he was comatose and standing. I don't know how else to describe it, but I immediately felt horrible for not forcing him inside a room or anywhere indoors - still, I couldn't imagine it would rain in my mindscape. I wanted to make him move at least under a tree, but I couldn't concentrate anymore and I fell asleep.

The next morning I could just create some sort of wooden gazebo as a shelter from rain, with a table and two chairs. I made Cielo sit on a chair. If I pull or push him, he moves without falling, but he doesn't look like he's able to walk by himself or to do anything else. I can't even see his face clearly - the fact of the face being the most difficult part to visualize is true, then. I can only catch glimpses of his eye and his chin, nothing else.

Today I gathered my energies to try and force his personality a bit... well, I started, at least. I listed a pair of traits, I tried to break them up in parts and analyzed them, then I narrated them to Cielo, hoping he could understand what I explained to him. In the mindscape I condensed the two traits (acuity and sweetness) in two glass-like marbles, then I put them in a black box and gave it to Cielo. I told him he is free to accept those traits or to get rid of both (he just needs his own will to make the box disappear), because I didn't want to force them on him. In the evening the box disappeared, but I have no idea what happened to those two traits - maybe he destroyed them, maybe he absorbed them. I don't know.

I created a little house next to the gazebo because I'd like Cielo to go inside (and spare him another unwanted shower), but I couldn't concentrate at all and I ended up falling asleep without doing anything.

 

Day 6

When I woke up I had a terrible headache, but I was also more productive than usual, so I took the occasion to lead Cielo inside the house. He walked a little bit, but I'm almost sure I puppeted him to make it brief.

The house is very small: on the first floor there is just a kitchen/living/dining room, and the stairs for the second floor (which I didn't see yet).

As we entered I took off his coat and made him sit on the sofa - he is so tall his legs ended up behind the table. After this, I covered him with two heavy blankets. I just felt it was the right thing to do, even though I don't even know whether tulpas can fall ill.

In the meanwhile I apologized lots of times. I actually feel horrible for leaving him outside for so much time - moreover, while it was pouring down. I told him I loved him (not the romantic kind of love! argh English is so ambiguous), I hugged him (as much as you can hug anyone in a mindscape this early in the process, of course) and I told him I'd take good care of him from now on. I had the feeling he was looking at me for a moment, but that was probably my puppeting as well.

Since I didn't know what else to do, I narrated for a while during the day, and tried to read him a book. I only got distracted three times and only for short. I gave up when I started reading wrong all the words.

After that I tried some active forcing; this time I tried to visualize Cielo's face better. Some of his features changed: his hair are longer and now cover his shoulders, and his eyes became blue - this change let me a strange feeling, but I can't really describe it. I'm afraid I'm subconsciously thinking of a character I saw somewhere, but I can't think of anyone who might look like Cielo.

After trying to zoom in and out to be sure I can see his whole face and his body, I went in front of him and tried moving his face with my hands to make him do some expressions. He seemed to be smiling at the end, but I still think this is just my imagination.

[SomethingDire]

This seems like pretty good progress to me. It's normal to have doubts, but try to not let them affect you too much. If you're like me, than you may end up hitting the rock bottom without even realising.

 

Céleste is also pretty tall (2 meters, and has big hands too) just like Ciero. They have those traits in common, it seems.

 

Good luck with your journey, Seebaru. Send my best regards to Ciero.

[Seebaru]

This seems like pretty good progress to me. It's normal to have doubts, but try to not let them affect you too much. If you're like me, than you may end up hitting the rock bottom without even realising.

 

Céleste is also pretty tall (2 meters, and has big hands too) just like Ciero. They have those traits in common, it seems.

 

Good luck with your journey, Seebaru. Send my best regards to Ciero.

 

Thank you for reading! This makes me feel better. The more I try, the more I come up with doubts and questions about tulpaforcing and such. I'm doing my best believing in Cielo, but at the same time I'm a very "hopeful" person, not to mention very used to daydream about anything, so I still don't know what to believe in and what not. It's also true that I'm only starting, here.

Whoa, the coincidence. :O Céleste is that tall too! I might use a suggestion or two for visualizing doors, then - I tend to make them too small for Cielo, apparently.

Again, thank you for reading. :D

[SomethingDire]

*giggles* Yeah, he's that tall too. He's not very similiar to Cielo in other means of appearance though-- Think of a man of dark Latina descent with inhumanely shiny blue eyes which are slanted, with elf ears. Yeah, that's Cél for you.

 

Doors? How about granting him the ability to change doors to fit his length at will? Cool idea, eh?

 

If you ever get the feeling that you can't deal with doubt anymore, feel free to PM me, or just ask the community. I believe that I've come a long way and can support others on that matter.

 

Cielo is such a pretty name. I adore the Italian language, man. Kinda envious about that because Turkish is such a barbaric-sounding language compared to Italian :( .

 

Sorry, ranting. But yeah, that's all I have to say. And oh, don't mention it. I like reading others' progress reports.

[Seebaru]

*giggles* Yeah, he's that tall too. He's not very similiar to Cielo in other means of appearance though-- Think of a man of dark Latina descent with inhumanely shiny blue eyes which are slanted, with elf ears. Yeah, that's Cél for you.

 

Doors? How about granting him the ability to change doors to fit his length at will? Cool idea, eh?

 

If you ever get the feeling that you can't deal with doubt anymore, feel free to PM me, or just ask the community. I believe that I've come a long way and can support others on that matter.

 

Cielo is such a pretty name. I adore the Italian language, man. Kinda envious about that because Turkish is such a barbaric-sounding language compared to Italian :( .

 

Sorry, ranting. But yeah, that's all I have to say. And oh, don't mention it. I like reading others' progress reports.

 

That's a great idea! Thank you! I'll try it out as soon as I can. I wouldn't like Cielo to bump his head every time he enters a room, ahah.

And thank you for the support as well!

 

Well Italian does sometimes sound too posh, so I somehow get what you mean. Still, Cielo is actually a very odd name for a human - it's probably more fit for a pure-blooded horse or something. :P Still, I really like how it sounds. Cielo is free to change his name anytime, of course.

 

******

 

Aaand update!

 

Day 7

Yesterday evening I did almost nothing, and this morning as well. I tried to active force, but I felt like I was just fantasizing about Cielo - how do I tell visualizing from fantasizing, anyway? Is there any difference at all?

I still managed doing some passive forcing during the morning and part of the afternoon. Then I sat down and did some active forcing.

I got back in the mindscape and I found the black box: it was on the table under the gazebo. Maybe the other time I just forgot about it. Anyway, I brought it inside the house and I put it in some sort of chest. I explained to Cielo that he'll find it there if he will ever need it.

I have the feeling Cielo is already starting doing some facial expressions, but I'm not entirely sure, because it might be just my imagination this time as well (I'm the kind of person who daydreams a lot regularly about everything). As I got inside he smiled, but as I put the box away and I looked at him again, he looked sad. I tried smiling at him and he smiled back again.

Then I focused on visualization again, since I realized I'm able to see only few parts of him at one time. At the moment he wears shoes, dark trousers and a white shirt, so I tried to take his shirt off to get a better idea of his body shape and muscle tone.

It was embarrassing. I lasted for not longer than a minute, then I started feeling so embarrassed I had to dress him up again. Cielo just looked puzzled about my reaction.

I know that it's just the beginning of visualization and that it's stupid to feel like this towards someone who lives inside my own brain, but the idea of looking at his naked body makes me feel very uneasy. I'll try to think of some other ways, otherwise I'll try to relax more if I'll ever do a second attempt.

For this evening I'll just read to him.

[Vos]

Visualization, from what I understand, implies that you have more control over the image, and fantasizing would derail you into other things.

[Seebaru]

Visualization, from what I understand, implies that you have more control over the image, and fantasizing would derail you into other things.

 

I see! I'll be trying to concentrate and look for the differences then. Thank you very much!

 

Update, although there's not much to say:

 

Day 8

I didn't do much with Cielo today - I was busy doing other things. I didn't even manage to concentrate enough to do some passive forcing, because I keep getting distracted.

 

Day 9

For the most part of the day I procastinated, trying to do some passive forcing now and then. In the late afternoon I tried to active force, but I lost concentration very often. Later I managed to get in the mindscape and I saw Cielo outside - this means that he can move freely now, since he was indoors when I last saw him.

I tried to ask him some questions, and told him to give me any response (head pressure, emotional response, mindvoice). While waiting I felt a strange sensation at my chest, as if something was softly squeezing my lungs, but I didn't understand what it was. I think Cielo is trying to communicate, but I still can't hear him.

[Seebaru]

Update!

 

Day 10

This morning I tried to active force right after breakfast. I tried to visualize Cielo better by touching him and looking at him from close, stepping back now and then to be sure I could see him more clearly. I'm not sure about the colour of his eyes anymore, but I'm absolutely sure he's able to do some facial expressions, and to walk at least. We walked around and I tried asking him some questions. After a pair of tries, he answered me. (I was so happy I have no words to describe my reaction)

For now he can only answer "yes" or "no". He uses the same mindvoice as me and he answers before I can even finish the question (if this is normal, I have to get used to it). I asked him letting me finish at least, but it was like this:

 

- I'm happy I can hear you, but can you please let--

- Fine.

 

When I thought about interrupting the session, he seemed very sad, so I promised him I'd passive force during the day. I don't think he was very convinced about it, but I can't even afford to do active forcing the whole day, unfortunately.

In the afternoon I tried to active force again. I can concentrate better with some background sounds; heavy rain works perfectly, but I'm going to try with white noise soon. It was raining in the mindscape (because of the background sound I guess), I made Cielo go back inside and sit, then I talked to him for a while and I prepared some chocolate sweets for him. In the meanwhile I tried to ask him some questions, but he could only say his name, "yes" and "no". I got distracted very often and he seemed disconcerted about it. I had to explain that I can't keep my concentration easily. As the sweets were ready I let him eat one. He started eating it very slowly. I asked him whether it was good and he answered it wasn't. I wasn't happy about it, of course, but I said I intended to prepare something else for him. He answered "no" again and kept his dish, then he said "it's good".

This is the first slightly elaborated thing he tells me. I was so happy I started jumping around in the room, I hugged him tight and squealed a lot. Then I lost concentration - I don't think he was too happy about it.

I have the feeling he's impatient to say more. We'll start working on it soon enough.

[Temar]

He uses the same mindvoice as me and he answers before I can even finish the question (if this is normal, I have to get used to it). I asked him letting me finish at least, but it was like this:

 

- I'm happy I can hear you, but can you please let--

- Fine.

 

Heh. I still do this sometimes when I'm not paying attention.

 

Basically, this happens when your headbuddy is keyed into your thoughts. We can tell what question you're going to ask before you ask it, because we can hear you putting the concepts into words. After a while, one learns to be polite and let one's host finish the sentence. Though that doesn't mean we'll always exercise that politeness. ;)

 

It sounds like you guys are doing great. Neither of you should feel discouraged. You're progressing. It takes a while to build a full, sentient person. Keep working at it and you'll get there.

[Seebaru]

Day 11

I tried to active force this morning, but I stopped after 5-10 minutes because I was sleepy and couldn't focus. It was like this all day.

So, yep. No progress today.

 

Heh. I still do this sometimes when I'm not paying attention.

 

Basically, this happens when your headbuddy is keyed into your thoughts. We can tell what question you're going to ask before you ask it, because we can hear you putting the concepts into words. After a while, one learns to be polite and let one's host finish the sentence. Though that doesn't mean we'll always exercise that politeness. ;)

 

It sounds like you guys are doing great. Neither of you should feel discouraged. You're progressing. It takes a while to build a full, sentient person. Keep working at it and you'll get there.

 

I figured! xP During the evening Cielo began to slow down his answer, but he still spoke immediately as I finished the sentence, and I even felt that he was eager to speak. I don't mind, actually, but I still have to get used to it.

Thank you for your feedback, I really appreciate it! At first it felt odd that Cielo could actually answer this soon, but I guess I shouldn't fall any deeper in the hour count trap, should I?

I'll take the progress as it comes, and try not to rush things.