The Ping's Log

[The Ping]

And Ping, memory playback? Is that where you like watch a memory with your tulpa like a movie?

 

Yeppers.

 

Of course, my guess is you don't have to do the whole movie replay if you don't want to. So far, everything I've done has been pretty visualization oriented. If you're not very good at visualization, you could try reading to them out of a book or something else like that.

[The Ping]

Good news guys, I'm fucking mental!

 

So, I had 2 forcing sessions since my last post (one at noon, one just a little bit ago), and what happened remains probably one of the trippiest things that will ever occur in my life.

 

In my noon session, I forced back into wonderland, and I was back where I left off outside. I walked into the house with Trogdor (now a dalmatian, from the black and white hound-mutt I originally forced him as), and Zig was making herself lunch. I said hello, and then I noticed that the TV was on in the living room (connected to the kitchen through an archway). I walked into the living room to turn off the TV, when I noticed somebody was on the couch.

 

First response was "HOLY SHIT". After I calmed down a little, second response was "Okay, who are you?" Again, no voice, but I knew that the blonde girl was called "Pay". I shit you not, and I have no idea why. Anyway, I might as well describe my visualizations, so that the contrast can become apparent. My visualization for Zig was short, black haired, and cute. The visualization for Pay was tall, blonde haired, and sexy. I say "the" rather than "my" because I didn't do a god damn thing to visualize Pay. She just kind of appeared.

 

For a while before this, I'd been having trouble holding Zig's image. I didn't think much of it, because I figured it was either deviation, or me just being bad at focusing. Either way, I thought that the best course of action was to just go with it for a while, since the deviation would eventually settle, or I would get better at focusing as I practiced. I should have figured something was up when I walked into the house in this particular session, because I could see Zig clear as day.

 

All three of us sat down on the couch after this introduction, and I went through another memory. Not as emotional of a memory this time, but I still got the surge of uplifting feelings from Zig and, now, Pay. After the memory playback, we all went outside and sat in the sun (dalmatian Trogdor included). No narration, no emotional bonding (or whatever you wanna call it), we just sat. After a while, Pay just got up and went into the house. I looked at Zig like, "Ummm...what now?" and she just smiled and hugged me, and I came out of wonderland.

 

Now, all I can figure is my subconscious made another tulpa because it couldn't seem to fit "decisive", "calm" and "level-headed" into Zig's form. Even though I didn't know Zig's form personally, they were cute. Like a puppy and kitten trying to fit in the same slipper cute. I guess my mind's made the subconscious connection that cute doesn't equal calm, decisive or level-headed. So, instead of trying to pressure those traits in, it just made another form. So I have 2 tulpae now, right? Wrong. Let me explain:

 

So, I came back into wonderland maybe 2 hours ago, and I was still sitting outside. As per the usual, so was Trogdor (he really, really loves being outside). So, I had him follow me into the house, and my two tulpae were sitting on the couch, leaving room for me in the middle. Again, the thought was, "Oh great, what am I 'splainin now?" Zig and Pay just turned back and smiled at me. I sat down between them, and what happened next may have convinced me that there's LSD in my well.

 

They got up in unison, and walked into each other. They just did some crazy melding hacks or some shit. There was kind of this flash of light, so I was spared any sort of "Oh god what the hell is their skin doing?" vision, but I saw them walk into each other and become one. What came out of the flash of light was sort of a mix of Zig and Pay (just wait till you hear the name). She had blonde hair, but somewhat cute facial features (small nose, almond eyes, etc). She actually had breasts, but they were smaller than big/bigger than small. Somewhere between the flat chest of Zig and the D's of Pay. She was about my height (average. Well, tall for a woman I guess, but not extremely tall). Her name still kind of cracks me up, I can't lie. What's somewhere between Pay and Zig...Pez! Yeah! Yes, her name is Pez. Yes, it was the whole no-vocals-but-I-know thing again. Yes, I am questioning my mind's affinity for three-letter monosyllabic names. Also candy.

 

My reaction was pretty much as intelligent as any person's could be. "Uh-duuuuuuh." as my jaw dropped to the floor. Pez came up to me and kissed my forehead. She sat down on the couch next to me, and I came out of visualization with one wicked headache.

 

Anyway, Pez apparently has all of Zig's memories and all of her personality. She just also has the "alpha" personality added in. If you're wondering about the headaches, they haven't actually been that bad. The top and front of my had hurts for about an hour or 2 after forcing, but it's really not that bad (except for the last one). During forcing, it's kind of a dull ache with occasional sharp pangs. Nothing too spectacular, though. I haven't had a problem with focus because of it.

 

Again, you have every right to call bullshit. And if I'm roleplaying, I'm doing a damn good job of convincing myself it's the real deal, so I'll take it.

[The Ping]

Greetings, madworlders.

 

I have returned from the high deserts of Colorado with a message: Denver sucks ass. That is all.

 

As for tulpaforcing and all that, well, it's sort of turning into something a little less trippy. Sort of. What happened in the 4 or 5 forcing sessions since I left, I've been working on truly trusting Pez. I've tried a few methods involving some symbology and such, but they're not really working.

 

My problem is that I still want to have a level control over Pez that's stifling, and keeping her at least a partial servitor. I want to be able to say, "Woah, Nelly!" and keep her actions on a leash. I have to come at peace with the fact that Pez is going to be out of my control. Easier said than done. I realize all this, and I'm trying to accept it, but the idea of Pez being wholly uncontrollable still gives my stomach a slight curl of fear.

 

So, that's where I am. I'm also having trouble narrating. Not because I can't think she's listening, but because I just straight forget to. Any tips for either of my problems would be much appreciated.

[Raetin]

My problem is that I still want to have a level control over Pez that's stifling, and keeping her at least a partial servitor. I want to be able to say, "Woah, Nelly!" and keep her actions on a leash. I have to come at peace with the fact that Pez is going to be out of my control. Easier said than done. I realize all this, and I'm trying to accept it, but the idea of Pez being wholly uncontrollable still gives my stomach a slight curl of fear.

 

What do you think she'll do?

[The Ping]

What do you think she'll do?

 

I don't know what she'll do. That's the point of not having control. I trust her enough to know that she'll not try to hurt me, but I still want to have control.

 

Well, thinking about it, maybe I'm afraid she'll disagree with me, or that she won't like me, or that she'll make me laugh at my grandma's funeral. Shit like that, the kind of stuff there's a question thread for every 30 seconds. "Will she hate me? Can she give me nightmares? What if my subconscious is fucked up?" Stuff that's been asked and answered a million times around, but I just can't ignore the nagging doubts that still linger.

[Raetin]

This is a person that will know you very well, do you think she'd make you laugh at a funeral? These aren't some random voices that randomly say things, tulpa are sentient conscious beings, if you want to have control of what she thinks about or what she does, then you shouldn't be making a tulpa.

[The Ping]

Well, I do want a tulpa. I do want Pez to be fully sentient. I do want Pez to be a person. And I do trust her enough to consciously know, yes, she's not going to make me laugh at a funeral or make me have nightmares. The problem is, like I said, nagging doubts. It's kind of like whack-a-mole. I'll be forcing, and I'll be telling myself, "Ok, I have to give Pez full control now," and a little thought will pop up, "But hey, couldn't she...". I know enough not to entertain whatever pops into my head, and to denounce it immediately with, "Well, she wouldn't. She's not like that," but the thoughts just keep popping up. Now, I'm working on getting rid of them but I was just wondering if anybody else encountered something like this. No need to get hostile.

[Sands]

Nope. Sentient, talking tupper, kindest motherfucker ever who apologized for causing headaches when I force. Sure is gonna go rogue and cause me pain and suffering.

[The Ping]

Sure is

[The Ping]

Just forced. 40 minute session (abouts). Not a whole lot to report on. Sat and watched another memory. Pez didn't talk at all this time, which is a little weird I guess, but it may be a good sign. It could mean I'm not parroting as much. Of course, it could also mean that I've started a backslide of epic proportions. We'll see.

 

She wasn't hungry, either (I made eggs), which I do believe is a good sign. If I were puppeting, I probably would have had her eating the eggs. Instead, she just left her plate alone until I went to clear it for her. Not just sitting there motionless, though. She actually looked at me and moved like she was listening to what I was saying (stupid rambling shit, nothing to report). So, I'll take that as progress and run it all the way home.

 

Also, on a side note, every once in a while while I'm forcing, I get this weird sort of feeling/sound like somebody's tugging on my right ear. I think it's Pez trying to talk to me. More on this later, I suppose.