Nagi's Diary

[glint4]

A little bit about me

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Hey, my name is Gil. I learned about tulpa almost a year ago from this youtube video. I'm not really a social person so the idea of having tulpa sounds great to me. I read and learned a lot here and decided to make my own tulpa. Long story short, things didn't work out. I was kind of busy back then so I couldn't force as often. I had little to no feedback despite more than a month of forcing, so I abandon ship.

 

Half a year passed, I stumbled on this site again when I'm searching my browser history. I was thinking of starting over if the previous one decides to come up, I'll welcome with open hands, but as of now I'm focusing on a new one. This time with more dedication.

 

A little bit about my tulpa

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I created my tulpa based of a character in this story in my imagination(sometimes I like to imagine myself as a main character in a story. I'm not weird, really). Her name is Shiozaki Nagi and she's my servant(maid, you could say) and my partner as a demon hunter in this secretive demon hunter group. She has a cool personality, calm, dilligent, charismatic, and polite(except to me where she could be really sarcastic). I just realized it now as I'm writing, but I'm pretty sure her personality is really identical to an existing anime character; Shinouji Matsurika, from Maria Holic. Oh well.

 

Nagi is a human. She's 170cm(5'7") tall, weighs about 65kg(143lbs), has long pale-pink ponytail hair, blue eyes, and pale white skin. Her birthday is 8/8. She is 16 in the story, but I just make her the same age as me as a tulpa. She likes organized stuff, learning something new, and eating good food. She loves apple(the fruit, mind you) and often make snacks out of it, from apple pies to apple tea.

 

As my servant she's submissive to me. That is not because I'm a power hungry dickbag, or because I'm a virgin lonely weaboo, but because of her personality and the time we spent together(in the story). My character in the story(hint: me) treats her as an equal human being and not some mindless sex slave, and I see no reason not to do the same in real life. I realize a tulpa can deviate from what the host originally intended. If she turns out to be different and want different thing, eh, so much can you do. I'll accept her whatever she turns to and respect her decision as I would respect a fellow human being.

 

A little bit more words

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There goes the introduction. From here on I'll make a (hopefully, probably) consistent report on my progress forcing her. To be honest I'm not an organized person, so I might skip here and there, but I'll try my best to make this one work, so without further ado I'll start on my day 1 report...

[glint4]

Day #1

 

Good Evening, Nagi here(I ripped off almost an entire character, might as well rip off her quote)

Oh wait, I'm Gil! Here to report day 1 forcing activity.

 

I started off with her form, Originally I made her from a character I made from this eroge "custom maid 3d" but then decided to draw it myself to put some "personal touch" on her form(please don't put that out of context)

 

It's not great, but at least I got the big picture

 

I started introducing myself to her. "Hey. I'm Gil. I am your master, and you are my maid. Your name is Nagi, and you'll be my tulpa." or something along that line. I was doing something at that time, so I just passively forcing and parroting what supposed to be her answer. Parroting is bad, but I don't expect to hear her talking on day one, especially knowing the previous one didn't talk for 3 months or so. I just make it as if I'm teaching her how to do stuff. Not much happened here.

 

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Day #2

 

Same old narrating-passive forcing thing throughout the day. The night I decided to give her a wonderland. A room to go back to. I imagine my little apartment(in the story in my imagination) and proceed to visualize her. The room is empty. I'm to exhausted to focus on each furniture at the moment. I just focus more on her appearance. Her form. I tried to... er, imagine her... naked, her long hair flows freely. Turns out to be harder than I expected. JUST LIKE MY DIIIIIiii..ctionary. Erm, sorry. But yeah, took me about an hour to visualize her naked there standing in front of me until I just zoom in on her face. A bit easier, because less things to focus on. I started "sculpting" her body, trying to "feel" her body, texture of skin, how it'd look like and feel if it was a real thing. 

 

As I touched her skin more, a police car stopped in front of my house. Not really. Just put that there to make this thing more interesting. As I think that's enough, I apologized to her, and continued forcing. This time for personality. A bit too late for that, but better late than never...?

Just simple things like "You're cool, and calm. You're not easily affected by emotions... yadda yadda..."

 

I bid her goodnight, masturbated a bit, and proceeded to kick the sack.

 

Oh yeah, during the day I also felt some pain on some part of my head like a needle poked the back of my head. "Nagi, that you?" I asked. No answer. Pain still there. "Nagi, if that's you give me some feedback." pain still there. "Can you move it somewhere else?" pain not moving. "Oh well" I thought, then the pain just gone. Like that.

 

Good sign? I dunno. Considering this is all in my head better be positive.

 

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Day #3

 

Found this self hypnosis thing on tulpa.info. Might as well try it. I did the vocalization part because that's the part i stucked on for long before. I guess I "accidentally" parroted her answer a little bit. Not sure if that's actually her answer or intrusive thoughts, but at least she actually called me "master".

 

Did some "Personality Simulator" thing with her where I simulate a situation and explain to her what she would feel with her personality. Also what would make her happy, how sadness and fear work, that kind of thing. I know nothing about that stuff, but worst case scenario it'd be just like normal narrating stuff.

 

In my "aparment" wonderland I also put a TV, bookshelf, and computer to study with, as well some furniture. I also put a VR headset if she wants to relive events in my memory. I dunno how that works, if it does at all, but the room looked a whole lot better now.

[Stevie]

Hey dude, this was cool to read, sounds like you're on the right track.

[glint4]

Thanks, man! Still, it feels weird, like I'm the one controlling her. Like, I know what her answers to my questions would be, how she'd react if I show her something, etc... I guess that's natural in the beginning.

[glint4]

Day #4 - August 10, 2016

Thing's getting hot...

 

I woke up at 7, immediately begun forcing. Not sure what to do, I just wander into our lil' apartment wonderland. I saw Nagi in my bedroom(we share a bedroom at the moment, but it's mainly for her, because I don't actually sleep there), where I left my VR headset, she seemed to be using it. I stood behind her. She seemed to notice. She took off the headset then swooped onto me. I fell on the bed, we hugged and kissed like a teenager couple in heat.

 

Okay, I'm totally okay with that, but it feels... wrong to me. I mean, she's not fully sentient yet, considering I still feel like puppeting her. I assume sentience from the beginning, but it's the matter of consent to me. She can't even speak. Oh well, not like a feminist gonna protest in front on my house.

 

I took a shower(irl) while still visualizing myself on bed watching her playing the computer. I usually play songs on my phone while I shower. Some rock song playing in the background. I could see her holding her ears.  "Like the song?" I teased her. She shook her head. I could see clearly her displeased expression. Changed the song to a more ballad-y song. She seemed to like it, she's even singing the lyrics. Her voice didn't come out though....

 

 

I returned in the afternoon. She looked like she's about to cry. I asked what happened. "Sad...." she answered. I asked why, to which she didn't answer. I just hugged her and said it's okay, yadda yadda. I was thinking of a way to make her talk. I visualized a whiteboard behind me, then give her the marker. I told her to write whatever she wanted to write. "SAD" she wrote. "WHY?" I asked. "I feel bad" she answered. I guess she couldn't elaborate more, considering her age. I think it's a good way to communicate at the moment. I feel like I have less power over what she's gonna write although she seemed to write the same word over and over.

 

End of report.

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I have some questions to veteran tulpamancers reading this:

 

1. Is it okay for me to make her walk beside me while I'm walking? I know not to doubt "involuntary" puppeting, but in a good long walk it may feel deliberate.

 

2. English is not my primary language, but I am comfortable using it. My tulpa is probably the only one I'm speaking english with. Is it gonna affect her in any way? Or because it's not my main language(like, the one I usually think with) she may not understand what I'm saying. Also, sometimes I even found words that I don't know the english word for.

[Vos]

1. Is it okay for me to make her walk beside me while I'm walking? I know not to doubt "involuntary" puppeting, but in a good long walk it may feel deliberate.

 

Most people (active ones, at least) seem to be in agreement nowadays that puppeting can be a useful tool when you're first starting out. It should be fine to keep the rough idea of her form, or essence, by you while you walk. 

 

2. English is not my primary language, but I am comfortable using it. My tulpa is probably the only one I'm speaking English with. Is it gonna affect her in any way? Or because it's not my main language(like, the one I usually think with) she may not understand what I'm saying. Also, sometimes I even found words that I don't know the english word for.

 

It won't affect your tulpa unless you believe that it will. Your tulpa will be able to understand English as well, but only to the extent that you do.

[glint4]

Thanks for the answer! It clears a lot of my doubts.

[glint4]

Day 5(8/11)

 

Visualized straight away upon waking up. Talked using "whiteboard" method. She didn't talk much in the beginning, but opened up soon. Got too relaxed, fell back asleep.

 

...Not much to report

 

End of Day 5.

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Day 6(8/12)

 

The fuck? I woke up at 10:30. Pretty sure I slept early last night. Is it because I forced for too long? Nonetheless, I missed a class.

 

Did about 4 hours of active forcing. Went through personality again. The rest was like narration and adventure in wonderland.

 

Tried this counting game https://community.tulpa.info/thread-sentience-counting-games

She got like 4 answers correct out of an hour game. Guess sentience isn't quite there yet...

 

End of day 6.

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Day 7(8/13)

 

We did 2 hours of meditation. The usual stuff, like telling her who she is, who I am and how we destroy the world.

 

I remember reading this guide(or tips?) back then which is supposed to help visualization and focus. Basically what you do is to visualize your tulpa write number 1 on a canvas, erase it, then continue to 100.

 

I think I'm quite decent at visualization(so good i had parrotnoid) so I'm trying to modify this method a bit. I'm gonna tell Nagi to write alphabet, katakana, hiragana, arabic, any letter I know and tell her to read it loud.

 

I know I'm just treating her like a first grader, but I hope this could help her vocal, or at least have good handwriting(as of now she writes like a murderer leaving a note on the wall.. er, whiteboard). Gonna try it tonight.

 

End of day 7.

[glint4]

Day 8(8/14)

Nothing to report. Forcing like usual.

 

Day 9(8/15)

Fuck it. Can't feel any real response. I'm parroting her all the way this week, see how that goes. I don't believe you can make a servitor by too much parroting. Even if she became one doesn't mean the end of the world anyway.

 

Next report this Saturday.

glint4, out.

[glint4]

Quick update(8/16 13:40)

 

I was having a nap when something woke me up. A package I ordered arrived. When I went back to bed I was planning to force a bit. I think I was in a trance or something like that at the time.

 

I tried to visualize Nagi at our place. I got an extreme feedback when I saw her face. Usually I get something like headache/head pressure or unusual chill. This time, all of them combined. And kick them up to the roof. I writhed for a few seconds. I heard something like static sound in my head, I think she's trying to talk. I couldn't make a lot out of it. Except for a few words I forgot after, like, five minutes. It's like she repeated this line three times or something.

 

I just lied there asking myself what the hell happened for a few minutes with my heart still beating faster than Usain Bolt.

 

Is this a dream? Is this real life?