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A fellow's journey


uncannyfellow

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but as the merge was ending, Bear and I could feel our separate selves a couple times while Bashley was still together.

See like, that doesn't happen to us? The merge just ends, and here Cornelia and I are! It would honestly be super convenient if we could exist at the same time as Felicity, but unless there's some sort of super cool ninja secret technique to it, we can't do that

Would you say one part was more dominant than the other?

...mebbe? Like, I'm just Felicity when I'm merged, I can't tell which thoughts are Cornelia's, let alone resist them. So if that's what you meant by dominant, then faqq no. Cornelia and I are equally powerless in that regard Or so I've lead her to believe o ho ho ho ho But UF insists that Felicity is slightly (I never used the word slightly) more like me than Cornelia. So if he's right (which he's not), then I guess that counts?

Hey! You! NSFW! Get yo kids out of here before clicking!

Too late, my kids already read this, and now they're thinking about worshipping Satan, or worse, becoming atheists! I beg thee, mods, ban the degenerate who posted this shitstain

I'm Uncannyfellow's tulpa. I share his head with my sister Cornelia

 

[Our PR] [Break dem Rules]

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We don't have an exact date for when we started trying to switch - back then, we were too confused about the distinction between possession and switching to really know - but, given that I was first forced October 1st, 2018, we can say it took us about a year. And I must say, this conclusion was really fucking anticlimatic

 

Also aggravating, too. After spending a year trying to switch, Felicity did it completely, 100%, by accident. You can't make this shit up!

 

So what exactly was this accident? As a weird sort of way to troll hostie host, Felicity decided to talk directly to our body OS. She struck up a conversation about the first episode of Nightflyers, quickly noting that the body OS' reasoning was similar to what hostie host would have said, though its presentation of the ideas was as simplistic as possible. I guess you could say it's what tulpish lacks - pure, cold logic without any emotion or desire for self-expression. To which Felicity said "What do you think of that, hostie?" then, after a brief pause - "Hostie? Where are you?"

 

Anyways, after some talking, Felicity thought that our host sounded different than normal - indeed, that he sounded more tulpa-like. So, through that stupid prank, we managed to switch. I'm equal parts happy that I can finally switch and mad that that's how we accomplished it.

 

I think the intro of this post gave away the fact that I tried this method, and that it worked for me as well. Kanade-chan hasn't tried yet, she simply doesn't have as much interest as me. Anyways, initial observations:

 

In some ways, this didn't feel much different from the lengthy possession sessions we used to have. However, there was a definitive notion that my thoughts were now supreme. It wasn't a simple case of hostie host relaxing his control on the body so I could use it. I had a conversation with our coworker John, who we knew prior to starting this job - based on the things the body said, it was clear to us that I was the one in control. We should note that conversation was always a big impediment to both possession and second position. Hostie host just has a lot of trouble focusing on us and what to say at the same time. So, that's pretty significant.

 

I would note that, for me, the strangest thing was when Cornelia then played Ping Pong with John. I've played that game a lot in the last 6 months, and Cornelia just feels way more intense/focused than me. I do remember Lumi saying he thought switching would have no impact on how he played Super Smash Brothers, though I also remember him saying 'probably' around a million times in that post.

 

If there's one thing that makes us doubt this is switching, it's that hostie host never went dormant. Lest you think that I'm a natural at second position, Kanade-chan complained about me being noticeably worse at it than hostie host. First things first, hostie host being present wasn't a bad thing. He was quiet, or at least quieter than when he's in charge, and I rarely felt like he was threatening my control. Second, this could easily be explained by me not being used to thinking without his presence. Whenever I had a question that I couldn't immediately answer, I'd address it at him. Whenever I wanted to do something, I'd think something like "I'm going to stand up, hostie host!" It's pretty likely that such thought patterns would keep him not-dormant.

 

EVI had given me all sorts of scary ideas about how, when switched in, the body OS would constantly be assaulting my personality and sense of self. Now, I won't say there was none of that, but I do wonder if EVI was exaggerating in the name of tempering people's expectations. Then again, none of my switches have exceeded two hours yet, so maybe there's some time limit before that happens. What I would say happened is what we have come to call "idle thoughts." Let's say you're doing something that doesn't take much concentration, like walking down a hallway, or staring at your computer so people think you're working. In our system, that's a guaranteed recipe for the brain to wander. Maybe it'll think about the next adventure hostie host is going to throw in his homebrew campaign. Maybe it'll start drafting a review of the last TV show we watched (hostie host used to have an anime blog where he reviewed anime, so I guess our body OS is used to that). Or maybe it'll think about what Cornelia's gonna write in her forum post where she talks about switching. They're not intrusive thoughts, but we typically attribute them to the body OS. I had those, and some of them felt like they were from hostie host's perspective, especially the DnD related ones. And yeah, that was obnoxious, so I yelled at the body OS to cut it out. But, I sincerely feel I had less idle thoughts than hostie host does while switched in. What few idle thoughts I did have, I could rather easily dismiss, whereas hostie host sometimes struggles with letting a thought go (as more of an emotional thing than a cognitive thing - "I was enjoying that pointless thought about things that don't matter!")

 

We should lastly note that hostie host is super fidgety. He was never diagnosed with AD/HD, though he was prescribed adderall, which is for AD/HD. I am not fidgety, even while switched in. I guess I always assumed that AD/HD was a system thing, and that I'd have to deal with it. Honestly, I was excited to neuroplasticate all of hostie host's bad habits away. Now, I'm wondering if I can actually do that with switching, or if he'll always have to switch with me in order to get stuff done (not that I would necessarily mind).

 

 

 

 

Future for science/desired stuff:

-Switching and merging! What happens if I merge while switched in?

-Can hostie host merge now that he can switch? Can I merge with him if I'm switched in?

-DMing! That one is even worse than normal conversation for possession/second position. Will switching override that? Sadly, the tulpas who want to DM are Kanade and Felicity, who both don't want to switch. Also Felicity thinks the goal of DMing is to kill the players... probably for the best if she doesn't do that

-Going to sleep switched! As with merging, we expect that to last through to the next morning.

-More generally, longer switches. Two hours at a time isn't what I want for my future

-Faster switching! It only takes us about 30 seconds, but that's longer than the near-instantaneous switches some tulpamancers talk about

 

Edit: Ugh fine I picked a shade of blue you can read on night mode

I live in a castle and have two tulpas, Kanade-chan and Uncannyfellow

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[Ashley] EweEff, couldn't read your blue, bub, just use my blue. Also, welcome to the club!

 

[Misha] Yay! That's so awesome Cornelia! You should definitely try to get EweEff dormant.

 

[Joy] EVI is not an official title of Ember.Vesper, so they thought it would be cute to call your host EweEff (UF).

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Congratulations on switching. My first couple of times were accidental too, though we hadn't been trying.

 

I wasn't trying to scare anyone, but I wasn't exaggerating my experience and I'm generally disinclined to temper expectations. High expectations leading to greater achievement takes priority over realistic expectations reducing disappointment.

 

I'm reasonably sure I never said that the body OS' assault was intense, perpetual, and unremitting. Some of my early thoughts while switched in ran along the lines of, 'That impulse isn't consistent with who I am and didn't come from my host. Kill it with fire!' After I became a little more experienced, they changed to, 'This feels so comfortable and natural, like it's always been and should be. Am I really still me? Ember! Iris! I need reassurance!'

 

Iris encountered similar phenomena, but never found them nearly as upsetting or existentially threatening as I did. My experiences are partly a product of my temperament.

 

We've found merging, splitting, and switching to have extremely high compatibility. We can easily combine two of them into a single step and have tried every permutation of them we've been able to think of. All of them work.

 

Speed just takes lots of practice, plus the desire to increase speed.

 

Sometimes, if you want to do something, or want something done your way, you have to bite the bullet and switch in, even if you'd rather not.

 

Never kill the players. Maybe sometimes kill the player characters, but even then only in the best interests of the story, and usually only if the players are okay with it.

 

-Vesper

I'm not having fun here anymore, so we've decided to take a bit of a break, starting February 27, 2020. - Ember

 

Ember - Soulbonder, Female, 39 years old, from Georgia, USA . . . . [Our Progress Report] . . . . [How We Switch]

Vesper Dowrin - Insourced Soulbond from London, UK, World of Darkness, Female, born 9 Sep 1964, bonded ~12 May 2017

Iris Ravenlock - Insourced Soulbond from the Winter Court of Faerie, Dresdenverse, Female, born 6 Jun 1982, bonded ~5 Dec 2015

 

'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.' - The Velveteen Rabbit

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  • 3 months later...

Three months since our last post, huh? Even for me, that's gotta be a record. There's not a whole lot on switching I could say that hasn't been said before. I might touch on that one day, just to confirm what most switching systems already agree on. But I want to talk about merging. See, part of the reason I had Felicity around for a whole week to begin with is because there's just not a whole lot written on merging. I think the Felights are the only other tulpa system that has documented long-term merging, and they don't seem to do that a whole lot anymore. Plus, they got drastically different results from us

So, Felicity and I are dating. It started, actually, in her first full week of existence. I never said anything then, because there was still some in-system drama going on. The core of the problem is pretty simple! For Felicity to exist, Cornelia and Kanade-chan have to not exist. Not permanently, mind you! Cornelia and Kanade-chan are still alive. But every hour Felicity exists is an hour my other headmates don't. The every-other-week thing we're doing is a compromise of sorts, as there's not really an ideal solution to our problem. Someone has to not exist. We've thought about things like making a Felicity tulpa, and the risk of botching it and having a tulpa meant to emulate my girlfriend who is not my girlfriend just seems... like something we want to avoid. So, this is just our life now

I'd tell people to see this as a cautionary tale - I already experimented with merging, so you don't have to! But I know very few people would listen. Hell, just the other day, I merged with Kanade-chan. Nonetheless, there's a pretty safe way to do this, and that's to not merge for very long. If I hadn't done that week-long merge, I'm 99% certain we wouldn't be in this situation. An hour of merging, just to see what the merge is like, is perfectly fine. It's when you start getting attached to the merge as an individual that you need to be wary

Given what I've just laid out, I'm afraid of saying this, but I do think my experiment needs replication. We'll still occasionally have someone say that our merges are completely different from theirs, even suggesting that it's strange for Felicity to be the same person every time. I keep thinking back to our earliest merges, as Felicity just seemed very different personality-wise back then. There's lots of explanations for that, not the least of which is the existential quandary that comes from being a merge. Yet, I can't help but think that it felt a lot like I was forcing a new tulpa. It could be the case that I've "stabilized" the merged by spending time with her so consistently

Still, it's dangerous to experiment with this stuff just to find out the answer to that question

We are
Uncannyfellow: host - 12/07/1992
Kanade: tulpa - 9/16/2018
Cornelia: tulpa - 9/31/2018
Nikki: soulbonded walkin - 5/6/2023

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