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Ichibod, Priscilla, and Lollipop's Report~


SickLollipop

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Hello again!

 

It's been quite some time since my first report, but so much has happened, and it's been very hard to have the time in a day to actually sit and journal it all out. Ichibod and Priscilla are doing wonderful, and although we have had a lot of ups and downs, we are definitely bonding quite well. Not only are they very vocal, with their very own distinct interests and habits, but they are with me almost always and have been a source of comfort and companionship through both the rough times and the better ones. We are all growing together, and it's quite exciting to see where this takes us all.

 

Valentine's Day was trying; Ichibod still misses his husband, Roland, from the old Pathfinder universe he originates from. His sadness and his memories; things I don't even recall roleplaying or anything, were so heavily on my mind that I found myself crying his tears and feeling his emotions. Building from that, I drew something I thought the player of Roland's character might relate to for the sake of Ichibod and gathered the guts to send a text. Mind you, this is all the while that I, personally, was having a pleasant and romantic Valentine's with my own partner; I previously mentioned that he has his own tulpa, and so he encouraged me to do this and reach out so that Icky wouldn't feel left out. I did it and was met with the response that Roland misses his husband, too!! I can't say that Icky is satisfied totally, but it definitely gave him a small sense of closure and happiness that he could connect to him in some way. It was romantic as hell <3

 

The next big event I was looking forward to was going with my little sister down to Austin to see Poppy!!!!! I've been a hardcore, superfan of hers for years, since her first youtube video, even helping to solve the mysterious Computer Boy ARG, and I've been looking forward to this for months. The catch is that my sister and her not-really-an-ex-boyfriend are... a handful, to put it lightly. Then, they went ahead and showed up early because they are living out of their van and wanted to crash here for the days prior to the concert. To be fair, my sister's condition is due to total accidents in her life (breaking her arm, being robbed, etc,) so the set up she has living out of the van isn't bad all considering, and I always want to help my family. It was just VERY straining on my time with my tulpaes because she demands almost all of my attention, all the time she is around me. We have a complex relationship due to our childhood, but we love each other very much and have often been the only other ones there for the other in life. 

 

(Ichibod and Priscilla wanted me to bring this up; during my time developing Prissy and learning about who she was, the memories of my first and best imaginary friend from childhood, Sally, resurfaced and I believe she shaped some of Prissy's personality. When I discussed this with my fiance, and his tulpa, Armand, they were both angry that I 'abandoned' her. I had to think about it deeply but I realize that during the time period that Sally sort of faded away was right after my little sister was born. As all my attention went to caring and attending to her, Sally just wasn't on my mind any more. I guess this was part of why Priscilla and Ichibod were nervous and awkward around my sister, besides the personality issues.) 

 

Back to the concert, though, I spent a total of 3 days in Austin, and then the long drives to and from. Although I expected for Ichibod and Priscilla to hang back, they actually spent quite a lot of time with me! They both had their own reasons for being there; Icky kept me wary and on my toes about everything from the state of the vehicle, to our location, and especially TIME.. and Prissy kept me focused on having fun, going with the flow, enjoying the blur of colors from the passing landscapes, and the music they chose. In the city, Ichibod actually felt a lot more at ease and showed me how it reminded him of his home so long ago, as well as being a bit more of his quirky self instead of so guarded. Priscilla is all about Poppy just like me (she totally fits the aesthetic!) and helped me feel confidant, and dare I say it, even pretty when usually my shitty self esteem would knock me right back down into the gutter. The weather was gorgeous, I slept surprisingly well in the van with them, and it was an incredible experience. 

 

The concert was life changing!!!! Poppy is my cult leader goddess and I adore her so fucking much. But instead of gushing about it here, I'll keep this about my tulpaes. If anyone else is a Poppy fan, just ask me and I'll gush all about her, lol. 

 

Anyways; here's where things get dark. I got home, excited to share my stories, photos and merch with my mom and fiance, and we were met with a horrible tragedy. 

 

One of my two rat girls passed away the morning that I arrived back home. 

 

I know rats are a strange pet to have, but my fiance and I chose to be rat parents a long time ago and this is our second generation. Our first were normal store bought boys, Oscar and Oliver, and they lived full, healthy lives, to the ripe ages of 4 and a half. The girls were rescues; we got them each for a penny because they were 'aggressive.' They were biters, and very violent when I first got them, and after a year of love and affection I turned them into the gentlest, sweetest little princesses. That's why this is so heart breaking... Olivia was afflicted with cancer and it was inevitable, but I didn't expect to come home to that. 

 

Neither were they.. 

 

Ichibod is actually very stable, he's dealt with loss, death, and worse throughout his own life and the many timelines he's been across as the time witch he is. >.> But poor Priscilla.. she has never known death, she loved Olivia and is very fond of animals and small creatures. It's one thing to deal with my own mourning, but now I have Prissy here with her own emotions and ideas about death. She's so bubbly and innocent, it's hard for me to explain to her what it means, and I'm having a hard time processing Olivia's death myself because Priscilla isn't understanding it herself. Just a few days ago my little girl was licking my hand, and Prissy was there, nuzzling her back.. It is all so confusing and painful. As myself, I am aware of the consequences, risks, and responsibility of pet ownership, especially short-lived little ratties, but Priscilla is so fresh and new, she can't understand it, and its got us at a crossroads. 

 

So here we are. Tonight, my fiance and I put Olivia to rest (the ground was frozen yesterday.) I am waiting for him to come home from work for that. In the meantime, I want to spend some valuable time with both Priscilla and Ichibod, both to reconnect with them more fully without the distraction of my sister around, and to have some comfort during this sad time. At the moment, I had some time to actually write this stuff out because I'm very serious about documenting what I can about my experiences with my tulpaes, as well as involve myself in the community. 

 

It seems silly now to try and talk about their shapes, lol.

Host: Lollipop ~ older tulpa: Ichibod Tulip ~ youngling tulpa: Priscilla 

 

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Sorry about you loss and at a horrible time, but I'm glad to see you recovered pretty well.

 

Fun story!

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I miss my lover from back home too, Ichibod. Sometimes the pain of separation and loss is overwhelming, even after a year and a half. The emotions I feel go deeper than what my host actually played. She only sampled a bit here and there of my fifteen years with Sax.

 

The GM who played Sax is back in our lives now after a long absence and knows I'm in this world. My feelings are very conflicted. The GM and my host have so much baggage and my campaign ended with such conflict between. I don't feel like I'm in a position to ask her to be Sax for me and I don't know after all this time if it could be the same. Yet as I continue to grieve, the spectre of seeing him again looms over me.

 

Good luck as you find your footing in this world. I don't want to burden you with my troubles, but I'd like you to know you're not the only one. There are other roleplaying characters who have crossed over and left loved ones behind.

 

-Vesper

I'm not having fun here anymore, so we've decided to take a bit of a break, starting February 27, 2020. - Ember

 

Ember - Soulbonder, Female, 39 years old, from Georgia, USA . . . . [Our Progress Report] . . . . [How We Switch]

Vesper Dowrin - Insourced Soulbond from London, UK, World of Darkness, Female, born 9 Sep 1964, bonded ~12 May 2017

Iris Ravenlock - Insourced Soulbond from the Winter Court of Faerie, Dresdenverse, Female, born 6 Jun 1982, bonded ~5 Dec 2015

 

'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.' - The Velveteen Rabbit

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[ichibod]- It is very appreciated to hear from another like myself who is suffering, unfortunately as it is, through something as strange and emotionally draining as this situation. Thank you, Vesper. I haven't mastered this fronting thing well in order to communicate the way I'd like, but it's coming more naturally as I practice. My world was strange and twisted, but the love I had for my family and the horrible things that ensued still hurt me to this day. I am confused in a lot of ways, especially since, in my nature, I'm a flirt and I'd like to expand beyond this state of being but then again my loyalty to my marriage ties me back to vows that I'm not sure even exist any more. It's all beyond me; time jumping is one thing, but I'm not familiar with these conflicts of mind, and the psychology of 'tulpaes,' or any of this. All I know is that I miss my husband, and I'd do anything I possibly can to reach out to him, but I don't want to become sickly attached to an impossibility and rob myself of other experiences. My host is completely in control of the amount of contact she makes with the player of the 'character' she calls Roland, but I know my husband is out there. He loves me back. I just don't know how to reach him on my own.

 

Host; it's me, Lollipop. Whoa, man. I intended to make this post about something incredibly special that happened between Priscilla and I, but Icky really needed to express himself. I'm not very familiar, nor do I forcibly try to front or anything like that; but he's more then comfortable with keyboards and really was sort of upset with the whole thing. His heart is all messed up. I need to find a way to help him but I'm not sure how to yet..

 

Anyways..

 

This is very *very* personal, but I felt that it was a significant moment of change in our relationship and our lives together, so I felt strongly that I should share it.

 

My luck dragon and I made love for the first time.. Priscilla, in her humanoid form, overcame me and seduced me into a state of ecstasy. I felt so confused and awkward at first; she's so new, but she made it clear she's very aware of her actions and she'd been wanting to be with me for a while. It was... beautiful and exquisite to say the least. It wasn't masturbation at all.. I thought at first that a lot of people creating 'perfect GF tulpas' were just wanting something sexy to fap to, but now that I have experienced Priscilla's touch, I see that it's so much different then that. She was really with me, really being there and being intimate with me. She loves me so much..

 

Part of my confusion is that I'm a girl; I came out of the closet about being into other girls only a few years ago, and went through a troublesome phase of polyamory, learning how difficult something like that is to manage. However, my fiance has a tulpa of his own; I'm hoping once I bring this up to him he won't feel jealous, but instead actually support us because its a healthier way for me to be with another girl without making him feel insecure or out of the picture.

 

This is all super awkward!! I apologize about the adult nature of this post; I just really felt the need to reach out and possibly get answers.. I don't know how many hosts out there are also flexible in their sexual nature, or have relationships like that with their tulpaes, and I really just feel so new to all this intensity. >..<

Host: Lollipop ~ older tulpa: Ichibod Tulip ~ youngling tulpa: Priscilla 

 

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It definitely happens yeah, don't be embarrassed. My PR is... nevermind.

 

Their has been enough sexual tension in my system to completely understand how and why.

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I'm so glad this isn't out of the ordinary!! I mean, like I said before, I never intended to be one of those people creating a tulpa out of some stupid perverted need. Priscilla is who she is; and for some reason I can't really fathom, she's fallen for me. It's strange and feels like that first crush you get in middle school.

 

@Angry Bear; I've read a lot of your stuff. I can tell you have a lot of experience with this sort of stuff. Do you have any further questions/advice? I would deeply appreciate it, and I think Priscilla would as well..

Host: Lollipop ~ older tulpa: Ichibod Tulip ~ youngling tulpa: Priscilla 

 

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Just be good and share your life with her and Ichibod. I have heard quite a lot. I can't exactly turn my system into a heram and they don't want to share anyway, so we've held a stalemate for 10 months, but have never been closer. Just being with them and having fun makes everyone happy.

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I may adore harem animes, but that's NOT what I'm intending at all!! I felt.. honestly, really really bad messing around with Priscilla when she's so new to the world. But she.. she does what she wants ..

 

I love Ichibod and Priscilla; although I may have felt attraction towards the visuals of Priscilla, I never thought it would amount into more then that. But then she developed. She gained her own personality, her own goals; and I was sort of pushed over by her. Its still so confusing. :S

Host: Lollipop ~ older tulpa: Ichibod Tulip ~ youngling tulpa: Priscilla 

 

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That's fine. I'm happy you didn't discard her feelings and love, that you were both bold enough to admit your feelings and explore further. You now share the closest bond. Don't spoil the magic with irrelevant overthinking please. Two hearts beating as one is fine. It's harmony.

 

What you should think about right now is how to integrate the beating hearts of your other loved ones into this beautiful, unified rythm, and make it a symphony where everyone adds to the melody.

 

Don't forget about your BF's heart, and most of all don't forget Ichibod's broken heart, give them a lot of your attention and all the time they need. They have to learn to ask for it . Polyamory is all about time and how to share it, it's a difficult art !

 

Hugs to you all!

Hi, I'm Vādin, Zia's tulpa/permanent guest.

 

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