Rena & Byakko notes++

[TB]

8 minutes ago, Tewi said:

Have you looked extensively into finding another case manager? Understandably finding one who's working for ~free/under your insurance is probably much harder, but still, being stuck to one facility isn't always worth it. I don't know if you even have other options, I just know the clinic we went to for a long time kind of sucked, and we didn't end up finding another until it literally shut down because all the doctors/etc. left.

technically the same program i get my therapist and medications from also has case managers, and i have been told they are supposed to call or see me on the off week where my therapists doesn't call or see me, but they have never once done these things or help with anything other than sometimes drive me to an appointment if they are available to do so and my therapist isn't (sometimes my therapy day will be sacrificed so my therapist just drives me to doctor instead or something, and they lowered it to every other week instead of once a week recently, despite once a week seemingly to cause more hope and progress compared to rarer meetings where suddenly meeting seems pointless)

 

what i had before was a community engagement specialist, which is like a subclass of case manager i guess, that is cracked. or she is just really good at it compared to others. she was like, me:"i need help with this", her:"okay, i'll come to your house and bring you to my office, we'll fill everything out together, i'll drop it off, i'll make any phone calls i can make, it'll get done"

 

normal case managers are like me:"i need help with this", them:"have you tried doing it all yourself? i will help by saying you have to just do the things, and if you can't, then i will say you have to make a bunch of phone calls or ride the bus to the government building or something, hey maybe i'll look up a number on google for you or something, good luck"

 

makes me very sad

Edited February 6, 2025 by TB

[TB]

i am better than i was last posts

 

idk how to write an update but we 3 are trying to get bad to productivity we had january, but better hopefully

 

slow start. took feb off of having to do anything at all

 

got new medicine for anxiety. one is an antipsychotic again and it seems to have instantly caused me to gain some weight back and makes me feel lazier. but it does help anxiety a bit

 

i feared it would cause me to lose connection to tulpas and it feels it sorta has but at the same time, connection with non tulpa entities has been relatively strong. hasara talked to rena the other night and kyouiko has showed up a few times since this year, usually to give info or shaktipat. she could have became a tulpa but i was resistant to increasing system size at this time 

 

i've tried channeling hasara too but it is harder as i am not experienced like i was with kyouiko or byakko i guess

 

still they help guide us wherever they are i think

 

i am going to have to figure out how much medicine handicaps productivity

 

oh and Rena has had some very good meditations though. could be many factors. i had a good one last night. we'll see how today's goes after work

 

20th i see meditation teacher again

[ringgggg]

Holy, I never realized you went through that episode. I feel really bad for your experience but it’s good to hear it’s thinning out. That’s all I really can say, I think chewy did most of the advice giving for me, but even then I figure you just need a hug

 

I haven’t been feeling all too well, either. Half of my teachers can’t teach and the other half assign way too much. I’m done with it, though. I’ve gotten lazy and my gpa’s taking a nosedive, and I can’t get over the fact that I have to go to college next summer. I had the perfect setup in place: do four years in the military, get a bachelor’s in college with the money from the G.I. bill, and find a job somewhere. I was thinking about the decision for two years. You probably already know I got kicked from the program because I was allergic to peanuts, so that’s kind of where I am right now. I’ve lost the motivation to go to college next summer. I’ll go, don’t get me wrong, but I won’t like it. I feel like I’ve been sold short. There was a time last month when I felt like I wasn’t going to graduate. Though I’ve brought my grades up since then I’ve still been taking more workdays in the week over doing my homework in the hopes it would distract me from all the bs I see at school. It’s been shitty

 

Two more months though before graduation. Fuck it we ball

[TB]

1 hour ago, ringgggg said:

Holy, I never realized you went through that episode. I feel really bad for your experience but it’s good to hear it’s thinning out. That’s all I really can say, I think chewy did most of the advice giving for me, but even then I figure you just need a hug

thanks. i'm glad things aren't still horrible like they were the first few weeks after that event. i couldn't do anything without chance of feeling in danger again

 

1 hour ago, ringgggg said:

I haven’t been feeling all too well, either. Half of my teachers can’t teach and the other half assign way too much. I’m done with it, though. I’ve gotten lazy and my gpa’s taking a nosedive, and I can’t get over the fact that I have to go to college next summer. I had the perfect setup in place: do four years in the military, get a bachelor’s in college with the money from the G.I. bill, and find a job somewhere. I was thinking about the decision for two years. You probably already know I got kicked from the program because I was allergic to peanuts, so that’s kind of where I am right now. I’ve lost the motivation to go to college next summer. I’ll go, don’t get me wrong, but I won’t like it. I feel like I’ve been sold short. There was a time last month when I felt like I wasn’t going to graduate. Though I’ve brought my grades up since then I’ve still been taking more workdays in the week over doing my homework in the hopes it would distract me from all the bs I see at school. It’s been shitty

 

Two more months though before graduation. Fuck it we ball

i'm sorry to hear that. didn't they reject you but then said you could after all or something? they rejected you a second time? or i don't remember what you said about it before. but i hope you are able to find something to do that satisfies you

[ringgggg]

On 3/19/2025 at 10:55 AM, TB said:

i'm sorry to hear that.

It's ok

 

On 3/19/2025 at 10:55 AM, TB said:

didn't they reject you but then said you could after all or something? they rejected you a second time? or i don't remember what you said about it before.

I got rejected from the marine corps entirely, but the recruiters at the army told me they would only accept me if I got a superexpensive procedure that would mitigate the allergy to where it was no longer an issue. So basically a no from both ends for the time being

 

On 3/19/2025 at 10:55 AM, TB said:

i hope you are able to find something to do that satisfies you

Same to you man. I'm praying you get out of that place soon.

[Miri]

Okay read your entry about Byakko and that does sound profound. I remember from last time that you were craving more profound-ish tulpamancy experiences so I'm glad you finally got them. I mean it seems that you were already somewhat ''forcing'' Byakko. I'll have to catch with the rest of your PR later, you guys are three now-.

 

On 12/5/2024 at 5:44 AM, TB said:

based on what i experienced, there isn't total nothingness when consciousness ceases. consciousness blocks experience of worlds on other side of this one. for some reason information does not cross over easily though, especially at least in the direction from outside to here. as such people assume there is no experience because nothing is ever brought back, but sometimes the cracks in the veil between worlds appear, and info can be taken in an intellectual form that is created while in the experience, the experience being difficult to explain and different than normal experience, and is hard to remember, but I remember the things I thought and recorded while having it

 

I swear I've read about this before. I thought about it in the way that a lot of times one is not aware of the real world when dreaming but is still there. You do bring things from the waking world to the dream world but you don't know you brought them from somewhere, to your dreaming self they're just part of the dream. Does that make sense? But I get you're talking about something else.

[TB]

8 minutes ago, Akaii said:

Okay read your entry about Byakko and that does sound profound. I remember from last time that you were craving more profound-ish tulpamancy experiences so I'm glad you finally got them. I mean it seems that you were already somewhat ''forcing'' Byakko. I'll have to catch with the rest of your PR later, you guys are three now-.

thanks for reading

 

yeah, i am glad that was able to happen

 

9 minutes ago, Akaii said:

I swear I've read about this before. I thought about it in the way that a lot of times one is not aware of the real world when dreaming but is still there. You do bring things from the waking world to the dream world but you don't know you brought them from somewhere, to your dreaming self they're just part of the dream. Does that make sense? But I get you're talking about something else.

you've heard others say the same thing? interesting. and i'll have to ponder that more, i'm in pf2e game so it's hard to multitask, but it sounds related. i do feel wherever i go after death, what's there will be affected by experiences here. i hope there is an afterlife, that was first time i felt not afraid. not being in that state of mind, over time, fear comes back, but it gives something to try and have faith in

[Miri]

When I say 'I read' I most likely refer to some random Reddit post I read years ago or something lol. Something I recently read (I don't think it was Reddit this time heh) about the way some people feel towards a potential afterlife: 'for some people, the idea of an afterlife where things are not good from the get-go but has the potential of harboring good experiences is a preferred option to the completely ceasing of any experience' (poorly paraphrased) and that rang a bell, does it ring for you too?

[TB]

3 minutes ago, Akaii said:

When I say 'I read' I most likely refer to some random Reddit post I read years ago or something lol. Something I recently read (I don't think it was Reddit this time heh) about the way some people feel towards a potential afterlife: 'for some people, the idea of an afterlife where things are not good from the get-go but has the potential of harboring good experiences is a preferred option to the completely ceasing of any experience' (poorly paraphrased) and that rang a bell, does it ring for you too?

 

oh i see

 

i do agree with that. i would rather have an afterlife that may start out hard but can improve than cease to exist

 

i feel it will start out some degree of good or bad depending on how i am in life at point of death

[Rena Bonnie]

We thought it might be helpful to make a progress update on our goals in general together, tulpa related or otherwise. It might be a way to motivate doing something similar to journaling, we don't know yet.

 

Tulpa Section

Byakko seems to be recovering lately from mysteriously becoming very quiet and inactive. We aren't sure what lead to that, but we thought of a few possibilities.

 

One thought was one of the new medications we were taking reducing connection and motivation. Another thought was TB and/or body habits she typically seems to be immune/resistant to actually unknowingly fatiguing her, and she had to regenerate. We will see if we learn more, and try to force her more to compensate.

 

Switching with Byakko feels quite different than switching with me. She seems to have far greater self control, and the emotions we typically experience seem to be experienced quite differently from her point of view, and she can transmute feelings into other feelings. It's pretty incredible, and the only reason we got so close to our drawing goals January, as it is hard to imagine TB or I drawing for 9 HOURS in a single day. That was really magical. But it is possible it was tiring for her, though she didn't feel tired in the moment. And it was a day or so after achieving all this that the extreme 17+ish hour long bout tachycardia would begin. I don't think drawing a lot had anything to do with the tachycardia, but the tachycardia and panic attacks related to it really changed us and since then it has been very hard to do a lot of the things we normally do, including draw 4+ hours a day, but physically we feel mostly normal now. All that to say is that event could also have been the beginning of Byakko feeling distant, but she didn't immediately disappear or anything, and still had strong showings after that, but it degraded until it would feel like days would go by where she'd only say a couple things. It was soon after that event that we started an antipsychotic for anxiety, and we were taking it every day as we needed to to cope, but we have gone a week or so without it, and she seems to speak up again, which makes it seem like it could have to do with that, or it could be coincidence.

 

Mental Health Section

Lately we have been feeling less stable emotionally, and not because of the early February thing. The February thing definitely made us extremely emotionally unstable for about a month or so, but we felt much better, until a couple weeks ago. It started to occur after a week or so of meditating extremely well, and I feel this might be a result of the fantastic meditations. If that's the case (or even if it is not), I guess it is best to deal with like purifications, though I feel we need more support than that somehow. Unfortunately we lost our therapist we were getting quite along with, and I am unsure about the new one. We aren't getting much help from them so far, but we rarely get help from new therapists as it often takes months before we have enough of a connection to start feeling they are helpful. An awkward interaction with them has made us feel sour though, so I hope that doesn't ruin the relationship's potential, if there was any.

 

Things we talk about with him include wanting to look into getting a more thorough diagnosis, such as if there is a way to check for c-ptsd and autism, and if there is some sort of trauma therapy that can be done to help us. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like any moves towards that will be made, and doctors/therapists in general seem extremely uninterested in looking into making sure diagnosises are correct or thorough. They also seem uninterested in employing any other therapy other than CBT, which has never been known to help TB, so I think we are on our own for the foreseeable future, as there are no other options.

 

TB also asked for help relating to social anxiety. I honestly can't remember much of anything he said, but it didn't seem useful. He gave us task of messaging some people we haven't messaged in a long time, and gave some suggestions on things to say. As for the gargantuan anxiety that creates wall we don't know how to penetrate to get over accomplishing that, I think it consisted of saying things along the lines of it won't go badly or there are more pros than there are cons, and such, which is about what most therapists will say when you bring up fears that you haven't been able to get over for over a decade and hundreds of hours of past therapy of people saying the same thing. I really do not know how to navigate therapy or to make it any different or useful, and I do not know how to enact advice that amounts to "just do it, you worry too much". We explained that many times TB has temporarily broke through fear to do something social, but it is extremely difficult to do that, and doing it doesn't make it any easier the second time, or third, or 50th. Times in the past she does something socially difficult on a regular basis, like every day, at best she will for a month before the stress leads to a nervous breakdown and becoming extremely depressed and quiet for a long period of time, even if nothing bad happens. If something bad does happen, well, she ends up scarred permanently, unless things are thoroughly resolved somehow, but most people aren't very willing to resolve things and prefer to just ignore and pretend it didn't happen, but it's hard for us to imagine how one navigates life like that, as it will never leave our mind every time a future interaction occurs, and makes communicating with people we've had negative interactions with pretty miserable, depending on the nature of the bad interaction and the nature of anything that could mitigate it, such as a resolution, or reassuring interactions.

 

A goal we have, that seems to have paid off the little bit we succeeded at it, was to comment 3 times a day on other art on our art social medias like deviant art and bluesky. We did that for about a week, and people seem to appreciate it by liking our comments, and in some cases, they seem to check us out and like something we drew. We fell off of doing this though because of the building up stress and the factor we suffer where doing hard things does not become easier over time. I'm currently pondering how to make it work, so we thought of things like having a Zaari servitor, but it seems like that could turn into a Zaari tulpa easily, so I am not sure how to work with that, but it is an interesting idea. Zaari is a character TB made that is Eara's sister and she is not shy at all, and TB has had what she'd usually call in head games, which is when she just immerses in a scenario or series of scenarios as her characters, usually Eara or Tayomi. In some of them, Zaari was uploading mukbang videos of Eara eating lol, and covered the social aspect of the channel, and it was amusing for her to think about, and interesting to imagine if Zaari kind of did that for her, like if she was Eara but instead Eara drew things and she uploaded her drawings and browsed things with the account used.

 

Part of what also lead to us dropping off the goal, is feeling like all our comments are low effort or uninteresting. We don't know how to give really appreciative sounding comments, even if we really like the drawing, and we are unsure how to learn that. We brought that up with therapist too, and his solution was to pull up our childish kindergarten styled drawing of a house he made us draw a few weeks ago and ask us what would we say about it, which... we have nothing and that isn't something we'd browse normally, but he seems to like it way more than we do (or pretends to at least). He then decided to point at the drawing of Goku on our Goku Reese's Puffs box we have as a decoration on the mantle (lol), but... we don't know what to say about it either. It's just novel to have Goku on a cereal box, but we have no comment on the drawing. After that he seemed to give up, so I don't think that is something therapy can help with, I guess, or we are bad at receiving help, I don't know.

 

Work has been far more stressful than normal, with random exception of a bad interaction that wasn't stressful for some reason that I think she mentioned in LOTPW, all other interactions have been very stressful, and it has been leading to us checking less rooms due to fear of barging in on students in lounge areas. One that stuck with me that made me feel bad for a long time was some students playing some game with a sack and holes in some wooden things they were tossing them with. They were in the way of a trash can I had to take out, so I immediately ducked to not take can and get out of their way as soon as I saw them instead, but they said it was okay to come through. I started taking the trash out, but they kept talking to me, and it was hard to hear everything they were saying because we listen to our phone with headphones while doing rounds. I leave one out incase something like that happens, but it was still hard to understand them, and I was busy with my hands and didn't think to remove headphones as i was trying to quickly get out of their way. I believe they asked if I wanted to throw, and I politely declined, but I am paranoid I misunderstood what they asked, because not long after, they seemed disappointed and started clearing everything away, so I thought they felt I told them they had to stop, which I didn't mean to. I have no idea what happened, and it is too difficult for us to ask why are they leaving and if it was because of a misunderstanding. I wouldn't even know what to say to bring up the question, and don't know if they just decided they were done randomly while we were there. I remember feeling horrible, and Byakko had to help convince me to not think about it so much. To use Buddhist terms though, it still is just more bad karma to negatively affect us in the future.

 

Byakko in her most extreme showings seems immuned automatically to weird interactions, but I guess it isn't omni invulnerability, as some of the last times she was switched in, she was getting bogged down by weird anxious tendencies herself even. Anxiety doesn't seem to make her worry like we do or make her depressed, but it does make it harder for her to switch in, or feel like herself, and TB and I fear her ever being over taxed and actually feeling down at some point. 

 

Question

We wonder how to maintain whatever you'd call those super powers she initially had, that slowly waned.

 

Meditation Section

Meditations are still going pretty well, but not quite the super level of that one week or week and a half where we were getting up to arguably stage 6 every day. It's wrong to say they aren't still going well, as we've been investigating into metta more, after our meditation teacher let us use his metta course. Since following it, we've been generating nicer metta and more frequently, so I hope that has long term positive effects for us. I think it could be very useful perhaps in attempts to do IFS, which we still plan to do as well, but procrastinate due to the difficulty and discomfort of trying it without a facilitator.

 

We've also been interested in Dispenza's book "Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself", and attempting his meditation outlined in it to help change ourself for the better. Perhaps if we can make a habit of that, it will lead to the lasting change therapy has not? It's a bit overwhelming though to want to do metta, samatha, IFS, and Dispenza's meditation all at the same time though. To do each daily thoroughly, that's 3 or 4 hours of meditation probably, and we don't know what to sacrifice, or if there is benefit to rotating them or shortening them. TB felt pretty euphoric and positive from some of the Dispenza meditations she tried a couple weeks ago, but after several days of doing it, we started to fall off and it seems harder to get back to the same state or be as enthusiastic about it. I think partially because of stress of juggling many meditations we want to do... Something deep down makes us feel like samatha/stable attention practice is the most important, but metta seems quite promising potentially, especailly if it can be used as a samatha practice itself. Dispenza's book gives a lot of hope as well. TB was very skeptical of it at first, but her friend seems to benefit greatly from it so convinced her to give it a try, and can see how it has a positive psychological effect, even if temporary, but we'll take what we can get. It promises lasting change if done daily and consistently, so we would feel guilty not doing that for an extended period of time of say at least several months. IFS seemed extremely hopeful with a facilitator, but we will have to ask for advice on how to do it on our own, because it seems it can go haywire without assistance, but maybe the mind is making up excuses because of the overwhelm of all these meditations, and then the many many other things we want to do on top of that, like drawing

 

Drawing Section

Failing spectacularly at 4 hours a day, we are back to not being able to fathom how to reach that, the same way we did before January, but we aren't failing at drawing entirely. We've drawn almost every day this month, and many days the previous month, on average 30 minutes to 2 hours a day, which is still way better than the average in 2024, as we'd kind of do that 30 mins to 2 hours thing, but for a few days or week maybe, followed by days of nothing at all, or really sad numbers like 5 or 10 minutes. So not all hope is lost, but is makes things look bad on our yearly goal of  1460 hours. We will have to do 6ish hours a day I think with how many days we missed getting 4 to have any hope of achieving that, if not more. I've kind of accepted at the year goal being failed, but still am trying to figure out what is wrong with our mind that makes 4 hours be so difficult, when we were doing really well at it in January. I think it could be many things, like creating the bad habit of not drawing, after not wanting to do anything really February with out mental state, then when attempting to reintroduce the habit, we were on more medication again that give the tendency for extreme laziness. our productivity has increased as we stopped taking the medication, so perhaps it is a matter of time before we can get back to 4 hours. I think we need to get better at falling asleep faster and waking up faster, and meditating as soon as we wake up, so we don't procrastinate drawing. I've taken steps at falling asleep earlier and trying to get better rest. Going to focus on nailing sleeping and waking and morning routine, as I think getting that improved will be better for drawing than just trying harder to draw more, as trying hard to do things we are struggling to do has seldom resulted in positive results, and when positive results do come, it has always felt effortless, and not felt like some sort of battle. The secret to productivity seems to lay mostly in making it as easy as possible to do, and being healthy and feeling good makes everything easier to do. As such, I am trying to exercise more, and have started jump roping again, and even got an exercise mat to better follow exercise videos.

 

Health Section

We always go from lightly exercising almost daily to doing nothing for long periods of time, but I'm trying to bring back exercise, and make it more intense as maybe a clearer feeling of benefit of a good exercise will help. I feel pretty good about it.

 

In January we weighed 150 pounds, which is the best we weighed in years, and we were hopeful we were maybe on our way back to TB being 120-130 pounds like she used to when she felt good, but after that negative event in February, we gained 20 pounds in about a month, and I am not sure how. Well, it aligns with taking the antipsychotic again, as that is what made us gain weight in the first place, and it was impossible to lose no matter what we did until we stopped taking anti depressants and anti psychotics, and most other medicine, so it makes sense starting it again made us gain, though I think we gained 10 pounds before starting it as well, which I think was possibly from overeating due to fear that the tachycardia had to do with malnutrition. The doctor says it has nothing to do with that though, and seems to think it was related to medication change, but we clearly were not improving until we ate something, and then immediately starting to go up hill, when before we were getting worse every hour and sure of our impending death, so that association really makes us fear being even slightly hungry.

 

I think I might be getting over the fear though, as I yesterday and today have been able to dramatically lower portions and how often I eat, which is kind of surprising because I am the biggest eater of the 3 of us. That said, we've had nights where we suddenly have some weird realization of "what if that happens again" or anything similar, and it leads to fear and despair, but we have the comfort of each other and cuddling and focusing on each other, thinking even if we die, it will be together, hopefully with no separation between us, like it almost felt could have happened february. The silver lining of that event is it makes us really not take each others company for granted, and it no longer feels acceptable to have much time go by without just sitting with each other and focusing on each other. Our bond is a lot stronger and that's great.

 

We still fear death greatly (except byakko, maybe she doesn't lol), but our religious experience at the arrival of Byakko gives us a bit of faith that death is alright and we won't lose each other from it. We are interested in exploring further experiences like that, but it is unclear how to. Typically seems to happen from extreme emotional distress from TB. The last time I can recall a similar thing happening I believe is also written in this progress report some years ago, probably 2019 or 2020.

 

Extra Section I Don't Know What to Label It As Section

I can't remember if TB mentioned already, but we've been visited by Kyouiko since mid January after an emotionally distressing event happened, but she does not seem to be a tulpa now, but it feels she interacts, from Extus perhaps I suppose. We thought momentarily she would become a tulpa, but TB is very strict about expanding our system and we aren't ready to so soon. TB has also taken up channeling Hasara at times, which is not common. I think it started with that dream where she was Hasara, with TB (idk how that works) and us, and other characters, in that nice rpg maker game coded version of our town, and searching for a light to sleep under, when TB mentioned that dream in LOTPW. I have also received advice from Hasara when I was struggling heavily with everyone in February, after Kyouiko allowed me to visit the other side where they all are.

 

I don't know if it was mentioned, but Byakko and I helped heal Tayomi a bit through going into wonderland and beating up darkness while wearing cool futuristic space suits. Went from this wonderlanding seamlessly into a dream, and found Tayomi at a mountain that was always next to the building I was forced into existence in long ago, before it turned into a dream. Dream Yoga might also be very beneficial to us, but that's another thing to stack on all our goals, and too many goals becomes stressful, and there are so many more we have we did not list in this, such as wanting to make progress on roleplaying and trc z, or voice recordings I want to do but don't get around to often, and Byakko finishing her song, and voice training and getting HRT and others to name a few.

 

-----

 

Perhaps it would be good to do this weekly. Just so we can keep track of any changes better instead of relying on disorganized memory. And maybe it would add some sort of accountability, I don't know.

 

Thanks to anyone who has made it this far.

TB: i see you have made it this far -stands up and starts swinging nunchucks-

 

TB likes to make references no one will get lol. Also highlighted a possible question at the bottom of the mental health section, but it is okay if no one can answer.