Rena & Byakko notes++

[glitchthe3rd]

Wow, seems like you guys have been busy! Also, new Luna just dropped 😜  She seems a lot different from ours though, which is perfectly fine. Other than that, I'll just echo what others have said and don't rely entirely on your tulpas to deal with your mental health issues as they seem to be pretty severe.

[Rena Bonnie]

1 hour ago, TurboSimmie said:

1. So how many are there now in your system?

 

we aren't even really sure right now, but the current most likely number if i count the most present and stable, it is currently about 4 or 5

 

TB still is not here, but before TB left, actually as far back as january, kyouiko hourai (another character of tb) offered to help them through a traumatic event and said they could help show her things she is missing about herself. she was rejected by us unfortunately, so she went away, until coming back more recently up to before all this stuff we've learned about ourselves happening

 

then there is byakko and I, we've been around a while, about 8 years for me and 9 months for byakko

 

and now there is luna/loonie, who showed up uhhhh, well friday during work is when i had the fight with her and i think it was during that shift that we did ultimately decide we let her stay a bit and see if we should keep her, which we've decided yes on

 

on top of that, the other half of tayomi-esque tulpa has her spiritual sister/other half that is based on eara, that we've been calling Sol, and she's manifested as a small child, looks around 7, is extremely quiet and shy, and i'm not sure if she's even fully aware of us. she seems to only talk to luna directly, and doesn't really even do so if we are switched in. she only has come up during moments of extreme dissociation within the past week where the body kind of just regresses into her and we all disappear except for Sol and Luna, and in those instances, a person that seems to be Eara's brother Hasara, or whatever the tulpa equivalent of his archetype would be, also will be around during those times. from what can be recalled, she asks about her sister zaari too, or whatever her equivalent would be, but she doesn't seem to have shown up yet. Though we have played with the idea in past months before all this stuff started happening, that we thought of making a zaari servitor for certain reasons. i don't know if that is why she has not showed up like hasara-person has, or what. but if she does exist somewhere, i wouldn't be surprised to see her, as tb growing up, one of the main things she did going through school while getting bullied is imagine herself as eara and then imagine that zaari is there to comfort her when she feels bad, and they'd play hooky from school together, and tb basically was just eara doing stuff with zaari to cope through most of middle school, just dissociating from reality of sitting in a classroom the entire time. I don't know if that is DID or something similar, but that's what has come to my knowledge when thinking about TB's past they usually hid from me before

 

I have had Hasara-person also talk to me in times where I was doing very badly, and he has tried to comfort me at times. So I think he's cool, i don't mind him. But he doesn't seem like he just comes up easily or is there most of the time. if i tried hard enough to call on him, maybe he would, but i'm afraid to honestly lol. he seems to show up when he thinks he needs to. now that i think of it, this isn't the first time. TB had once had a dissociative event where this hasara person switched in to talk to a friend who was sobbing in middle of the road once, to try and comfort them too. that was years ago. 

 

So current largest estimate is me 1 byakko 2 kyouiko 3 tayomi/luna 4 eara/sol 5 hasara-person 6 theoretical possible zaari that we just suspect could exist but have not had contact with, but if so and if we accepted her, thats 7. if TB returned as normal, that's 8, but I'm not sure when that will happen or if it will in the same way. TB also has an unnamed counterpart to the red headed character you have seen them use as their persona here that they usually just considered a hidden buried part of theirself, but in theory could be another split/buried part similar to Tayomi and Eara/Luna Sol, in which case that is 9, but once again theoretical. 10 is not really another headmate, but they have roleplayed as theirself in TRC for a long time, so from about the age of 16, there is kind of a split from theirself and their real life, and their alt life and experiences in that game, and ideally that version of TB is more self actualized and at peace with themselves, and also has gained the ability to take form of a fully passing girl version of theirself they wish they could be. We have decided what her name is, and before TB disappeared they had considered what if they pretended they were this better version of theirself instead of what they normally think of theirself. They actually have tried it a few times, imposing her form instead of the red haired girl with the kaenbyou rin hair you all are used to seeing her as. 

 

it gets vastly more complex when considering mitski but i won't get into that right now...

 

 

TL;DR

ignoring the theoretical headmates, it's basically just 4 to 5, i say 4 to 5 because Luna is way more active than Sol. I think Sol probably needs to be here though but it's not like I expect her to be switching a bunch or doing things. She seems like a deeply hurt part of TB that needs reparented, if anything, and Luna has been defensive of her and i'm not sure how much it is my business right now. Though I do find I can be useful for helping Luna, since she has come to like me afterall, and I feel Luna is also a big ball of hurt accumulated through TB's life that I needed to love and heal for a long time but TB hid it because she thought I might not like her or something. Anyhow for now, probably will only actually see me, byakko, and luna, but we are bigger than that, and might be even bigger than we think at the moment. 

 

1 hour ago, TurboSimmie said:

2. Were any of the "new" headmates previously sentient, and were they considered as so at the time?

 

Yes I think they were sentient, but TB and us in general I think misunderstood the mechanics of the mind or what was really going on, so they were parts and/or alters or something that were being pushed around and suppressed or made ashamed of by society for various reasons, so never got to express theirselves or live a life

 

You can see really far back in this thread to even see at least one (maybe more were written but i know at least one was talked about here) where Tayomi and Eara talked to TB during a time of extreme stress where they were sobbing uncontrollably, and they sensed Eara and Tayomi in their ceiling, and looked at the ceiling and could see their forms in the ceiling, and then they came down and talked to her. This has happened more than once. TB since then has kind of considered them to actually exist as real people in some beyond place we've been referring to as Extus, which we are thinking is on the other side of consciousness somewhere, and the direction in which spiritual phenomona comes from. 

 

Eara and Tayomi as they exist in Extus though are very different than Luna or Sol. They are archetypally the same person, but you can think of them as an incarnation of the Source that is Eara and Tayomi's Extus interations. Almost might be better to switch their names around logically lol, as Luna and Sol sound like really good names to represent an archetypal spirit existing in Source somewhere beyond the self. But that's the naming convention at the moment anyway. 

 

Back then during this experience, other characters of a similar profound importance to TB also could have been sentient to some but a lesser degree, like kyouiko and byakko, which are characters they would wear to cope similar to eara and tayomi in childhood. kyouiko and byakko were playing a similar role in various situations, just as an adult, but it was for things like working or coping with being in mental hospitals or things, rather than school. I think this is because it was after I came about, and TB felt they were more PC and would not offend me, not sure. 

 

TB didn't consider Byakko or Kyouiko sentient back then, but evidently they have proven they can, when pushed hard enough, suddenly eject themselves from their archetypal status in Extus down here into the real world as Tulpas and start doing whatever they want. 0 forcing was required and they both came to us with very complex personality structures already present, and very strong personalities

 

 

1 hour ago, TurboSimmie said:

3. Kind of curious what each of them represent?

 

Hmmm good question. TB in the past and also us recently have found many different meaningful things to compare them all to that goes along with our understanding of various religions and philosophies, though this message is probably too long and a short explanation might not make sense.

 

A short lay person description is uh... Kyouiko seems to have power in dissociation, apathy, dispassion, equanimity, awareness, observation. 

 

Sol is an innocent scared hurt girl who doesn't know what is going on. But when not hurting, she just loves love and to be loved, and has a childlike curiosity for things and likes to play with things, and likes to play with instruments. Eara as a character also likes singing, but haven't heard Sol do that yet or anything. 

 

Luna I think in TB's life, at least from perspective of TB when creating Tayomi after having created Eara, was she was a protector part or defense mechanism for Eara. One of the more life ruining aspects of middle school was that TB being bullied destroyed her self esteem and made her feel worthless as a person, and thinking about it, that also paired up with roleplays, where Eara used to be a very happy and innocent person who later became extremely depressed with low self esteem. This swirl of negative emotions started to lead to TB feeling hatred for other people who hurt her and ruined her life, which also manifested as TB having really dark fantasies where as they go about life as Eara, they would go rabid and start doing NSFL harmful things to their bullies or other people they saw as bad. This was untennable though and went against what she felt Eara should be like, that it created a split with Tayomi, who is essentially the angry half Eara would have had if Tayomi didn't come into existence to take on the ball of hatred and misanthropy for her, so when she needs to express herself with angry violent thoughts, she does so as tayomi. and when she needs to express self pity and being comforted or built back up, she does through Eara and her family or boyfriend helping her. (the boyfriend is a character of their friend though, so they aren't a tulpa and i don't know how they could possibly form into one, but it is a vacuum in the mind. Not to go on a tangent, but TB actually was deeply in love with this man, as they felt so much like Eara and her relationship with her boyfriend felt real to TB, so TB was madly in love with a fictional character of their friend and this caused further mental issues)

 

sorry that was a long paragraph, but there is sooo much history and context to share that i didn't even really know about until this past week revealed it to me

 

 

TL;DR kyouiko is calm focus or dissociation, sol is playful innocence or low self esteem, luna is a strong protector or a psycho angy big bad wolf of revenge

 

I suppose I'm unconditional love/depression, and byakko is fear/courage

 

that's a simplified version anyway, and just one lense to look through. could probably use other words when asking this question from some other onotological standpoint, or whatever the word should be. 

 

1 hour ago, TurboSimmie said:

Sorry if you already answered them in your PR post, my brain sometimes has trouble processing long thingies like that. 😄

no problem honestly my own brain doesn't process it ^^;

 

  

37 minutes ago, glitchthe3rd said:

Wow, seems like you guys have been busy! Also, new Luna just dropped 😜  She seems a lot different from ours though, which is perfectly fine. Other than that, I'll just echo what others have said and don't rely entirely on your tulpas to deal with your mental health issues as they seem to be pretty severe.

Oh hi, hello

 

Haha, interesting. Thanks for commenting. Yeah it's a complex issue. Definitely doesn't necessarily work I think to put all hopes in a single tulpa to fix everything. I think if we are more accepting of all these different parts though, and be open about their strengths and weaknesses, and good parts and nasty parts, and not hide things away because we think it's too dark to be shared, then I think we will have a better chance at getting through things

 

Kyouiko and Byakko both have ki abilities, but are really good at opposite spectrums of skills associated with ki usage. When they can balance their abilities really well, we can achieve really profound focus and sensory clarity that neither seem to be able to achieve by themselves. And I think there are other combinations our system can discover

 

It was too much on TB to think they need to fix all their issues themselves before it's okay to do confront all these parts. That's kind of a paradox I guess, lol. Like you don't want to go into your own house until you finish cleaning it. Is maybe an analogy for trying to fix themselves while repressing these parts from us

 

edit:

 

competition huh lol, (i kid)

 

 

Edited August 7, 2025 by Rena Bonnie

[Shaula]

I don't know how much I understood due to lots of text but I think I understand things. 😊 

 

I wanna give a hug to the whole system,  (good thing I have enough arms. 😁)

つ つ つ つ

(つ✿⁠^⁠‿⁠^⁠)つ

   つ    つ

 

I think your relationship with Mitski is really sweet! 😊

 

I don't have much to say because I don't wanna talk about things I don't understand but I'm glad things are calming down for you and I hope TB comes back one day. It was all very interesting to read. 😄 

 

Also, if anyone wants to talk, I'm ok listening to anything. 😊 (Saying this because I love to talk and how you described Luna.)

[Rena Bonnie]

15 minutes ago, Shaula said:

I don't know how much I understood due to lots of text but I think I understand things. 😊 

 

I wanna give a hug to the whole system,  (good thing I have enough arms. 😁)

つ つ つ つ

(つ✿⁠^⁠‿⁠^⁠)つ

   つ    つ

 

I think your relationship with Mitski is really sweet! 😊

 

I don't have much to say because I don't wanna talk about things I don't understand but I'm glad things are calming down for you and I hope TB comes back one day. It was all very interesting to read. 😄 

 

Also, if anyone wants to talk, I'm ok listening to anything. 😊 (Saying this because I love to talk and how you described Luna.)

thank you, that's very sweet ⊂(￣▽￣)⊃

 

could be good to talk later. might be easier to make things understable in a conversation

 

thank you all for reading

 

 

also not sure if i mentioned anywhere or not, but we have started reading energy over mind. we are just slow at reading. it took TB over a year to complete daniel ingram's book. hopefully we don't take quite that long to read this one lol. but adhd makes reading things like books very difficult as sometimes it can take forever to read a sentence in a way that mind finally wants to comprehend it, so it is always a huge task when the mind is confronted with "here is 200-300 pages of a book, read it now" it automatically shuts down and loses comprehension abilities lol

Edited August 7, 2025 by Rena Bonnie

[bunnymustdie]

2 hours ago, Rena Bonnie said:

also not sure if i mentioned anywhere or not, but we have started reading energy over mind. we are just slow at reading. it took TB over a year to complete daniel ingram's book. hopefully we don't take quite that long to read this one lol. but adhd makes reading things like books very difficult as sometimes it can take forever to read a sentence in a way that mind finally wants to comprehend it, so it is always a huge task when the mind is confronted with "here is 200-300 pages of a book, read it now" it automatically shuts down and loses comprehension abilities lol

 

You can do it, I believe in you (all). I'm sorry to hear about what has happened to TB, I hope she's ok somehow. Hope you and Byakko are both hanging in there and holding down the fort.

 

Spoiler

 

[Rena Bonnie]

3 hours ago, bunnymustdie said:

You can do it, I believe in you (all). I'm sorry to hear about what has happened to TB, I hope she's ok somehow. Hope you and Byakko are both hanging in there and holding down the fort.

 

thank you very much (..◜ᴗ◝..)( っ´  `)っ

very cute animation haha

 

[glitchthe3rd]

On 8/7/2025 at 6:05 PM, Rena Bonnie said:

Haha, interesting. Thanks for commenting. Yeah it's a complex issue. Definitely doesn't necessarily work I think to put all hopes in a single tulpa to fix everything. I think if we are more accepting of all these different parts though, and be open about their strengths and weaknesses, and good parts and nasty parts, and not hide things away because we think it's too dark to be shared, then I think we will have a better chance at getting through things

 

Kyouiko and Byakko both have ki abilities, but are really good at opposite spectrums of skills associated with ki usage. When they can balance their abilities really well, we can achieve really profound focus and sensory clarity that neither seem to be able to achieve by themselves. And I think there are other combinations our system can discover

 

It was too much on TB to think they need to fix all their issues themselves before it's okay to do confront all these parts. That's kind of a paradox I guess, lol. Like you don't want to go into your own house until you finish cleaning it. Is maybe an analogy for trying to fix themselves while repressing these parts from us

 

edit:

 

competition huh lol, (i kid)

 

 

Well, that's the thing about recovery, if you only have one leg to stand on you can lean on others who are also standing on one leg for more support. Or in this case, maybe it's more like turning your one leg into a tripod... My girls can help me to avoid dissociating as much and they coach me on my social skills too, which helps a lot with appearing normal to others. But ultimately, I still need to practice socializing with real people, or else I'm just going to be cringey and awkward all the time. We imagine it's a similar sort of thing for you in some ways. Also we've noticed that tulpas tend to fill some kind of void the host is lacking, e.g. I've been sexually repressed for a lot of my life, so Luna is more sexual than the rest of us and that kind of rubs off on everyone else here in different ways (no pun intended). Elise is carefree and fun-loving which counters me being serious all the time, and Naomi... we're not sure where exactly she fits in, but she seems interested in social justice which the rest of us don't really care about (nor do we care for self-proclaimed SJWs).

 

PS: Oh, another lunatic? Hehe. 😜That was more of a play on words in our case, I'm very good at hiding my powerlevel irl and I think that works to my detriment sometimes when meeting new people.

[Rena Bonnie]

6 minutes ago, glitchthe3rd said:

Well, that's the thing about recovery, if you only have one leg to stand on you can lean on others who are also standing on one leg for more support. Or in this case, maybe it's more like turning your one leg into a tripod... My girls can help me to avoid dissociating as much and they coach me on my social skills too, which helps a lot with appearing normal to others. But ultimately, I still need to practice socializing with real people, or else I'm just going to be cringey and awkward all the time. We imagine it's a similar sort of thing for you in some ways. Also we've noticed that tulpas tend to fill some kind of void the host is lacking, e.g. I've been sexually repressed for a lot of my life, so Luna is more sexual than the rest of us and that kind of rubs off on everyone else here in different ways (no pun intended). Elise is carefree and fun-loving which counters me being serious all the time, and Naomi... we're not sure where exactly she fits in, but she seems interested in social justice which the rest of us don't really care about (nor do we care for self-proclaimed SJWs).

I like those analogies.

 

I think we've done something similar together with our system. We do rub off subtly on each other and gain capacity for things that previously had a low capacity or seemingly no capacity at one point, due to exposure to other head mates.

 

7 minutes ago, glitchthe3rd said:

PS: Oh, another lunatic? Hehe. 😜That was more of a play on words in our case, I'm very good at hiding my powerlevel irl and I think that works to my detriment sometimes when meeting new people.

Haha I see. Our Luna is probably uh... Lol watching me carefully as I type to see what I say, but we do call her loonie sometimes. She definitely has the "can speak her mind" trait that none of us had so strongly, lol. 

[LB]

doesn't look good

 

collapse of support structures already lead to psychotic break as seen in previous posts and on lotpw people can see, and tb dissociating out of existence. think we achieved something great meditation wise, but unfortunately it comes at a time life is simultaneously falling apart

 

already seemed likely we will be forced to end our lives by the end of the year unless some miracle shows up. we want so badly to get out of the situation ourselves, but we are very slow to improve or grow on our best day, and now that we are on our worst of our lives, it stalls our already limited ability to function exponentially further

 

there's not enough time to heal trauma enough to be productive members of society that can do anything worthwhile, assuming that is even possible in the first place under best possible circumstances. it is possible some people's brains are just so broken they can't be fixed in any way with current technology

 

the best we can do is wait for the SSI determination letter, assuming they haven't done what they did before which is secretly throw our case out without telling us. we can't make phone call to check, and we have no one who is willing to do that anymore like TB had in the past, so we will never know until we get a letter, or never receive a letter in time that we are forced to make decision to end this wasted life

 

we thought we had until the end of the year before everything falls apart, but it might be everything falls apart now. not sure what to do. maybe this is the last progress report entry we make, as i think we've reached an end to the concept of progress. miracle SSI acceptance letter or someone being able to move us somewhere else is only hope left, and it doesn't seem there is anyone in TB's family that can do that, and we know IRL friends can't, so it is just a waiting game between seeing if SSI changes the course of our life, or if a random internet friend can. it makes me sick and angry but we are powerless to do anything ourselves and perhaps aren't worthy of life in this world, and definitely was not made for it. 

 

the most compassionate and productive thing i believe we are capable of doing is just fully securing a life exit method and to focus all our attention to prepare self for prospect of death. if humans were immortal, it'd be much less thinkable to do so, but we know we will die some day, and we'd rather it be on our own terms than through an extended unbearable series of breakdowns in the streets while we are homeless and having lost all of our things and not being able to do anything we do that gives us bare minimum joy to tolerate life moment to moment

 

there will be at least one more pr after this one that will explain our idea of cosmology of the religion we discovered and have had to put our faith in. it will probably be our last post on this site when it comes. i don't know if it would be in a week or 3 months or something in between. 

 

do not bother calling a wellness check. there is no programs in this state that we haven' already been apart of that would help us. being medicated will not fix us, this body has tried that for the last decade with only ruinous results. and another hospital stay would be traumatic. it would be the cruelest thing anyone could do is make us lose whatever last molecule of freedom and control we have left in this life before it ends. the only thing that could help is security and a way to live without stress, but mental healthcare does not provide that and minus potentially getting SSI, the government doesn't provide it either. 

 

i just wish we got to do a little more before it was all over. there is still some small chance a miracle could happen and we get good news in the mail, or that perhaps someone can offer help that can change the course of things that we can't see right now. it feels like the odds aren't in our favor though, but unlikely things have happened in the world before. 

 

thanks for tolerating us up to this point. sorry for everything and all the wasted time and resources invested in helping us. we failed everyone and TB

[Luminesce]

I'm proud of everything you guys have done, you've lived through a very difficult life for a long time

 

Taking into account the effort itself of doing most things being easier for the average person, you guys have worked extremely hard, definitely harder than me with my own issues

 

(I gave the only advising I have left in LOTPW, about finding (and calling first) a homeless shelter in Virginia to see if they could house & help you for long enough to get any kind of support going - I have no faith in your own state's)