Rena & Byakko notes++

[Shaula]

I'm proud too! 😊 I just wanna give you a little bit of positivity and joy in this rough time. Also, even if you have your moments of chaos, you are great to be around. 😊 

 

You also haven't failed yet, there's still time on the clock. Never give up until the last moment, anything can happen. We all got your back, even if it's only as a shoulder to lean on. 

つ つ つ つ

(つ✿⁠^⁠‿⁠^⁠)つ

  つ      つ 

[Miri]

Damn... I read this now after reading that you got your father to help with money after all but that was a heavy read. I can't say much more, just agreeing with Lumi. There's a lot of things that come easy for people that don't for others, and in your case you've certainly put in enormous amounts of effort still in terrible circumstances. I don't know how it all works in the US but I hope you can get the SSI help you talk about and things gets better for you, focus on the things that make you happy

[LB]

thank you all for all your kindness and empathy

 

this isn't my last post like i said in previous post afterall. future is still really uncertain for us and i don't know what will happen but we have a little more hope things can work out some way. we'll see

 

you all mean so much to us. a lot of tears lately but it is better than only pretending you're fine all the time while disintegrating on the inside. i'm sorry if it is ugly or scary for anyone. so much work needs to be done and i hope we can do it and not be crushed under its weight

 

we'll make more updates over time. anxiety is really high this year end until we figure out more certainty where our life is heading if anywhere

Edited September 3, 2025 by LB

[LB]

despite incompetent healthcare team finally finding out case serious enough to give basic help and turning in housing assistant papers (which we haven't gotten mail back saying it passed and we will get another year of housing assistance), life feels like a pain each day. and primarily because of work which we dread every moment during out 5 day weekend to the day we have to go back, and we all can barely tolerate it, even though it is ultimately nothing and something a 7 year old could do easily. 

 

we have a broken brain, and without SSI to support us, it is too hard to pay to keep up with rising prices of everything. i feel we buy less but have less money than before. it's so hard. 

 

i am exhausted, and convinced we are dark night yogis who made leap to reach dark night cycling, but have no prospects to go further than that, making this past two months pure hell that just get worse no matter outside circumstances. 

 

i'm so tired. so very tired. and knowing how disappointing good things feel and how unbearable bad things do, it's hard to believe there is more to this life, some end goal where we will feel it was worth staying around. 

 

we don't derive joy form anything anymore but lots of things make us irrationally angry or upset. i almost started swinging at a random person violently while walking because they simply startled me as i was looking at my feet while walking and didn't expect to suddenly here running so close in front of me into unknown person. every moment of life is anxiety while outside and depression while inside, and inability to do any of the things that give meaning to our lives. 

 

it's hard to find logical reasons to live that aren't just lies like it'll get better or whatever. i don't want to be here, powerless in a fascist collapsing country and collapsing world that can't do anything for it or even for ourselves. if i quit job, i don't know how long we could survive with no income except tb's father. it often feels better to die and go back to extus and try to find peace in another life at least with our real bodies, not this disgusting one this life presents we despise and i want to rip all the skin off of. 

 

nothing brings joy anymore. why should anyone have to live a full life that will end in death anyway but just suffer the whole time. i don't know the reason. because it might get better despite not for 20 years? i don't know. 

[LB]

{Trigger warnings for violent media talk}

Spoiler

https://youtu.be/Ogqah6gc9ww?si=2a9qe9gw_9dgOfAj

 

there is a meta perspective somewhat to suffering even
YOU STOLE THE CORN! I HAD IT CANNED OVER THE STORE! BUT MISS, THE LOOK ON HER FACE, WHEN IT WAS OPENED! THERE WAS A STILLNESS! LIKE THE FORMICA TABLE TOP! THE THREAD WILL BE TORN, MR PALMER! THE THREAD WILL BE TORN! IT'S HIM! IT'S YOUR FATHER!!!

 

creamed corn is a metaphor for garmanbozia, the concept of human suffering and anguish. mike (the man screaming) and palmer (bob in disguise, another supernatural entity like mike that feeds on garmanbozia). they are referring to a girl that mr palmer (bob) kidnapped and raped and tortured who suffered tremendously in a train. "when it was opened, there was a stillness" like the peak of her suffering something clicks and now things are just happening, despite it being terrible, despite the crying and screaming and being tortured and raped. but mike is a bit more good i guess, he is trying to tell laura palmer that her father (isn't her father, it is bob) and it will come to pass when he is exposed. her father sexually abuses her and later murders her, it was a warning but in that warning a bit of a uh... well letting her know there will come a moment where after she suffers so much, she'll maybe enter a place she sees the cosmic joke and despite suffering will notice this stillness that exists even in the worst moments. doesn't mean she will live. doesn't mean she will appear happy. just that there will be a noticing that things just are

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0FJ2zH1kd0g

 

wow idk why youtube doesn't let you embedd lynch videos

 

but

 

there is laura palmer in the lodge. you see blue light on her face and her laughing. that blue light is referencing a tv screen, realizing she is just a character in a tv show. we are all in a play. it feels like it sucks and it feels like it is awesome at times. but this is her after her death becoming privy to the cosmic joke. nothing matters. everything is okay.

 

  

2 hours ago, LB said:

"when it was opened, there was a stillness" like the peak of her suffering something clicks and now things are just happening, despite it being terrible, despite the crying and screaming and being tortured and raped.

culadasa speaks of this too, enlightened person who wrote the book than changed TB's life forever, and ours

 

the still point, he calls it. from hearing experience of holocaust victims from wwii, it is something they often experience. a suffering so tremendous, you reach a stillness. there is a certain stillness to our misery.... doesn't change how it looks from the outside. screaming, gnashing of teeth, crying and sobbing, cutting. but it just feels like causes and conditions after a while. input and output... just... how things are. i guess. it hurts more or less at times, it happens whether you like it or not, but at some point you just realize, it just is... i guess

 

Edited October 28, 2025 by Luminesce
This sort of thing needs to be tagged

[LB]

Oops sorry Lumi for that I wasn't thinking. That's a little embarrassing. 

 

I think we will take a forum break after November 1st, and then return or check in on the 27th to give update as that is the one year anniversary for Byakko entering TB's system and for Rena as well the following month. 

 

My mental state is too poor and the near and medium future too uncertain to not feel like I kind of just terrorize everyone here. So hoping things can improve and be more stable and then come back, and if not, well it'd just be an update later. I don't really know what I should do or be doing.

[Luminesce]

Don't not talk if it hurts your mental health (and people are already breaking anyways, you breaking at the same time doesn't help, although I do think you need to restrict your typing when on adderall for productivity's sake)

When is final say on SSI supposed to be, is that still months out?

[LB]

i don't know. healthcare workers need to get me a lawyer and start appeal but they've been drawing their feet like with everything. have been lied to over and over again saying they are looking into it, asking about it again and again never with any updates. soon the appeal duration will be over

 

if appeal is filed, it takes months to get a yes or no. if another no, i have to attend a hearing in front of judge with lawyers and have better argument for why i cant work than whoever they hire is the person to tell judge the list of jobs they say i am capable of doing, which is humiliating and i'd love to being gun to courtroom and blow my brains out in front of them if they decide to say we can work still after everything happening

[Shaula]

I believe in you! 😊 (Adding a little positivity to the thread.) also, you don't terrorize us, I know you need to get out the bad feeling in some way. I'm more than happy to help just by listening. Nightfall is too, we just have some things to work on but it's ok. (つ✿⁠^⁠‿⁠^⁠)つ

   

It's unfortunate that people don't understand how debilitating anxiety can be. All those jobs they could mention are probably awful for someone with social anxiety. I don't think it's humiliating, it's just sad that they probably wouldn't understand. 

Edited October 29, 2025 by Shaula
Me > we (Nightfall's request)

[Byakko]

as a tulpa, i'm finally 1 year old!

 

how it started:

 

how it's going:

 

this has been a bumpy year, but hope hasn't been beaten out of me completely yet >=D (hopefully this ages well xD)

 

I didn't realize so many others would show up before I was even here a year. TB when I showed up was thinking maybe another tulpa every 7-8 years if needed, hahahaha. now i think all who can be tulpa walk ins, are, well just about anyway...

 

when i showed up, i had tons of energy and seemed immuned to negative feelings entirely, but over time that's not always the case anymore, but i guess that's kind of normal. earlier on, tb was really protective of me, afraid of me switching because they didn't want to see me be stressed or sad, but i switched anyway and showed them i can transform feelings to be much better and not be so bothered by things. though over time i got sort of worn down, i guess still same brain and all, and whatever i was doing to bypass normal things tb and rena deal with started running out of gas and cracks would show. i think i really started to notice that when trying to go to work during summer job and was getting super worn down by that job. actually, it was the winter before that that rena kind of got K.O.'d permanently from working switched in because of a bad experience (though she'd do summer shift sometimes), and then it was summer that kind of K.O.'d me. TB still took their turns with me and Rena but TB is the most worn down so had to use very old technique of channeling eara to cope with work. somehow, that seemed to work better than just me simply working haha. in fact, before i was a tulpa, they'd channel me sometimes, and that also worked well for them. in a way, channeling seems more powerful than switching with a tulpa 🤔

 

end of summer though, mitski showed up while all 3 of us had really high stress, second time she did, first being in january. both times to share info to us that was helpful though also kind of cognito hazardy, but while some of it being painful it did reinvigorate meaning in life for us, similar to how i did for tb and rena i think when i first showed up a year ago, maybe even more so in a way. it was like chapter 2 of whatever i brought. but super duper mega insomnia and mega high stress lead to weird event that lead to tb disappearing and LB, PB, and the other 2 who chaperone PB when not with us, showing up. usually hasara and zaari have PB but she comes out occassionally, though very recently we had experimented with zaari and hasara switching for short durations. zaari played ninja gaiden and that was fun to watch. since mitski chose name mitski instead of kyouiko, and fact PB isn't called eara, was thinking to call them something different too. maybe sam and sara lol. or sam and hassy. dunno. sometimes i call luna tayomi by accident though. names are whatever i guess, doesn't have to be consistent. i got off track 

 

we were really ragged at that time and LB seems to have a lot of dark traumatic baggage with her, but i think she's fun to be around and she also came with special abilities kind of like how i did but very different, where she could very usefully make coping with work easier since she doesn't feel guilt leaving shift early, which second half of shift which is sitting in isolated freezing janitor office until time to leave is extremely miserable and also leaving early is highly stressful, even if we were told by a co worker no one would care because it's not like there is anything to do, but still we have OCD about doing what feels like what you're not supposed to do but she doesn't at all xD

 

she ended up being primary one to go to job, but even with half shifts, it was still seemed like we were declining mentally, probably due to mix of not being built for a job and trying to transition with maybe inconsistent hormone doses and changing body that so far has been in an undesirable way that makes going outside way more stressful than it already is because we look very silly... and also the food stamps and hud thing that was going wrong because of lack of help, and missing important diagnosis appointment due to failure of healthcare workers to get us a ride or inform us early enough that they couldn't get a ride. just a bunch of stuff that lead to seemingly being laughed at while rena was doing her first attempt at a round since she stopped after her bad experience, to get a bad experience immediately again, which lead to LB leaping to front and just kind of shoving us all in a can and taking us home, but mental space got really bad and has been getting worse

 

have had some good news with foodstamps and hud after a while (though hud still currently in a stressful wierd limbo, not finished with that yet and haven't got any mail from them to state what december rent will be or what that last paper we have to fill out and turn back in is... and still in SSI limbo and don't feel like we can trust healthcare team to properly handle making sure our case succeeds, so am worried about that, since we are unemployed now after event in previous paragraph)

 

since event that resulted in us quitting, LB has been spiralling downward and she really seemed interested in doing art but has done really none because she would use all her energy to work and now feels useless and low self esteem for quitting and hmmm, i want to help her feel better, so i guess i'm on the case for figuring out how to help with that.

🔎 it's a bit messy with such a large system and we don't all seem to have same abilities or stamina. trying to avoid a bad end while life is in precarious situation and future is really uncertain

 

but this is still the goal

Spoiler

I'd like to be strong enough that I also can say "right now, there isn't anything I can't do"

So I can help all my friends live happy and peaceful lives, especially LB and RB who have really hard time feeling happy

I too can feel depressed nowadays, but I have it better than them right now, so I hope I can have it be no problem so I can help it be no problem for them too, while I still have what I do right now

I think with mitski's help and maybe the others, maybe we'll be able to manage to have a bright and fun future ahead of us still. whatever happens, at least we'll always be together

 

a relevant song to us right now and also always been one of my favorite songs from dragonball in general. i shared a translation of some of the lyrics below

 

 

 

 

When people learn that even the future,

 

Which was supposed to be eternal, is fragile,

 

They are reborn as warriors

 

First, we’ve got to protect a little dream

 

That’s blossomed in our hearts

 

So it won’t be crushed by the darkness

 

Can we protect it?

 

Not being sure is also part of our mission — Team “Z”

 

 

Those who defend the future are called “Heroes”

 

On this planet,

 

Things like Love and Hope have always been passed down

 

My turn will be next; I’ve got to

 

Defend a small dream

 

So it won’t be crushed by the darkness

 

Can we protect it?

 

Well, I’m a bit worried about that

 

But I want to protect it

 

Wavering in doubt… is also part of our mission — Team “Z”

 

Edited November 28, 2025 by Byakko