Jump to content

Rena & Byakko notes++


TB

Recommended Posts

Rena's voice is super cute! Happy birth month to her, and to Byakko too.

 

Your meditation experiences were really interesting to read about. Stories like that keep me motivated to see what kind of places my own practice will eventually take me. Thanks for taking the time to share!

Host: Bee 🐝

Tulpas:  Lenore 🕸️ Calliope 🐲 and Athelas (aka Tea) 🌿 ((Sometimes we talk on here too.))

 

Take a moment to think of just 

Flexibility, love, and trust

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 100
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

Posted Images

6 hours ago, ReallyArtificial said:

Rena's voice is super cute! Happy birth month to her, and to Byakko too.

 

Your meditation experiences were really interesting to read about. Stories like that keep me motivated to see what kind of places my own practice will eventually take me. Thanks for taking the time to share!

thanks for commenting! we're really happy to hear that!

Creation for creation's sake.

 

we draw things

 

Resident Dojikko

Link to comment
Share on other sites

10 hours ago, TurboSimmie said:

Oh my goodness, I really like Rena's voice! 😍 Is Rena half Dutch, half Japanese? Also, does she speak in that accent when she speaks English normally?

thank you, and she is in her character's lore. i always thought she might have a weird accent logically but as a tulpa she didn't usually speak in an accent so much until more recently, so sometimes she does and sometimes she doesn't. we found a voice model to maybe go with her when not having the accent (the accent isn't really created by the voice changer but works well with that voice model since it wasn't meant for english). want to show it some time later but dunno when. also hopefully other things. this month has been going by faster than we can keep up though lol

Creation for creation's sake.

 

we draw things

 

Resident Dojikko

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 month anniversary of byakko's arrival

 

i didn't get to make all the posts this december i wanted to but hopefully can still do things in relatively near future

 

i will be away a little while. hopefully i have more to say when i come back

 

got 修行 to do together

possibly even 訓練

 

till we meet again (mata au hi made)((it probably won't be that long))

Creation for creation's sake.

 

we draw things

 

Resident Dojikko

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 minute ago, TB said:

1 month anniversary of byakko's arrival

 

i didn't get to make all the posts this december i wanted to but hopefully can still do things in relatively near future

 

i will be away a little while. hopefully i have more to say when i come back

 

got 修行 to do together

possibly even 訓練

 

till we meet again (mata au hi made)((it probably won't be that long))

Alright. Take care.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...

ok so apparently we have not been doing well (except byakko?)


i thought i was doing pretty good because we were more productive last month than we ever had been in my life, though there were hiccups and my mind kind of got crushed midway through, but byakko could do anything and more when rena and i were out of commission mentally and by the end i felt we mentally recovered but i guess not


a friend said they noticed i seemed to be mentally declining but i didn't feel i was


i think a lot of things consolidated into a point of things that weren't good to happen all at the same time


the past two weekends i had scenarios happen when i thought i was dying twice and neither time could i call 911 for myself. the first one lasted i think 7 or 8 hours but after it went away i thought maybe it was a panic attack


the second time it happened, it was far far worse and lasted basically a whole day, and left me scarred and fearing it would happen again any time, and basically made me disabled, and i had to call of work both days


because how extreme the second one was i could not possibly believe it could have been a panic attack. just out of nowhere i felt something come over me that is difficult to explain because nothing like that has ever happened to me before. but i went from seemingly totally normal to suddenly knowing something was extremely wrong with my body and that i was going to die very soon. my bpm was over 120 for like... 12? 16? hours or more. often was even 150, maybe higher at times. at time i felt my heart beating a lot faster than pulse ox seemed to indicate. i also felt like i couldn't breath unless i focused to and i was extremely exhausted and basically didn't eat the whole day except for when i woke up which was over 12 hours ago, so my body kept wanting to go unconscious in this state, and i knew if i were to, i would die, because i needed to stay conscious to breathe correctly, and breathing the wrong way would make me feel my consciousness starting to rip out of my body and destroy my visual and auditory perception as those things basically would start to collapse momentarily. i thought my organs were shutting down. i was extremely weak to where i could barely stand up or walk and anytime i did, i felt like i could collapse at any moment. i tried calling friends but they didn't answer, so i called my dad and he woke up and i told him to talk to me and if i stop responding to call 911 (i've had so many terrible experiences with the hospital 911 would take me to and other social fears that make not only the idea of calling 911 hard but even going...)


even laying down wrong made it feel like it would kill me, because it is much more difficult to breath in certian positions, and i could feel my heart so distinctly, and can feel laying on different sides can change the pressure on your heart. eventually i had to sit though, because laying would make me feel i stopped breathing and i'd start to feel consciousness rip away and that filling would make me fight away from it


after about up to an hour or something a friend responded and i eventually let my dad go back to sleep and called them. there were times where it seemed like it was starting to get better so i thought it would go away, but then it'd just come back again worse every time, and eventually would not go away, and eventually it felt like my heart was getting extremely extremely tired so i knew it would stop soon because it can't maintain beating this fast for this long. i started getting very short of breath and it just felt like breathing was not working, like it was not oxygenating my body. i think this made me think of anemia, and i remembered how i had not had been eating well and certainly not much in way of meat, and i ran out of basically all vitamins and supplements and stuff around the same time maybe a couple weeks ago or something, and the DHHR told me my foodstamps were cut off because i didn't do a review i clearly did, and when i would ask them about it they just ghost me and ignore me, combined with massive money trouble as my rent went up by a lot so i can't afford anything anymore and get more and more behind with bank account more and more negative, so i knew i couldn't buy food as much anymore so decided to just eat like, as little as possible to conserve. i tried eating things like slices of bread, but i was so weak and tired i couldn't do it, and eating it didn't make me feel better at all. but the friend ordered steak and sausage and things like that for me, and eating that, my body seemed to crave it enough it could eat it quite vigorously, and doing so is what made me finally feel as though things were getting better. but before eating, there was a point i knew it's been too long and it won't end and i will die like this and i couldn't even really think about my tulpas because the state my mind was in, and i started wailing uncontrollably, maybe even screaming, i don't quite remember, i remember just not having heard a human make noises like that, my brain totally broke into like a rabid animals death rattle or something. but eating fixed it seemingly, but after thinking i was improving and getting fully better, i suddenly started getting worse again, and basically i'd cycle from better and worse all day, however, it was never as bad as before i ate. i still thought that something must be wrong though so thought again about how i'm going to die and, despite what happened on the 27th of nov that made me feel okay with dying, time from that made me feel more doubtful and unsure of what happens after dying, and the thought of ceasing to exist and never knowing or seeing my characters or tulpas again horrified me and i felt immense regret for any lack of time spent with them in my life, so i started sobbing. sobbing seemed to make me improve though, but i would then start to decline again, eventually i noticed while feeling okay, a thought that induced existential dread caused the decline again, so i thought maybe i was suffering anemia or something that actually almost killed me, and the trauma of that was inducing multiple panic attacks.


eventually we tried to go to sleep and rena was able to switch in and keep me and the mind calm enough to go to sleep, though she was struggling still with the breathing stopping when falling asleep, but tried her best to not worry about it, and just focused on breathing until we slept a little, but it was poor but really helpful, because at that point we had like 6 hours of sleep in the last 48 hours, and was sleeping poorly before that already


well after that, life was extremely hard. i like to watch dark, mysterious, or horror related things for entertainment typically, but now couldn't because any mention of death or abandonment or anything would trigger me, and anything that triggered me would start to make the sense of dying return. so i couldn't go to work and risk having a breakdown at work or likely while trying to go to work as cars driving by would likely cause it i imagined, as that is stressful to me normally, let alone now. my senses were also seemingly really heightened, i kept feeling like we were hearing noises we never hear before, but my brain couldn't identify them quickly, so anytime we heard something we didn't know what it was, i'd go kind of catatonic and dissociate from my senses except hearing until i understood what i was hearing


also even sounds i know what they are but they are distressing, like a saw that kept being ran outside the house, was causing high amount of distress instead of simple annoyance like it normally would. we also were very afraid to raise the heart rate at all. anything like walking to fast or lifting something heavy would make it feel like my heart is going to pop or just stop because my chest was tired and my heart has been beating unnaturally slowly since the event. usually it is in the 70s while sleeping and 90s give or take during day, but it was like 50s or 60s while sleeping now, and instead of instantly raising upon getting up, it'd stay in the 60s, and maybe after a while go to 70s or 80s. anytime a nurse has ever ever taken my bpm, it is guaranteed to be low 100s, i've never seen it be lower than that, except maybe rarely high 90s. but while at the emergency room, they took it and it was in the 80s, which is extremely odd, but not to them because that is a normal reading


rena would try to switch in because it is extremely distressing for me to be switched in now, but it has become distressing for her too. she tried to meditate, and instantly started hearing cats moaning in my bedroom in pain, and then hearing them fighting. we tried recording the sounds to see if it was real, and nothing would come up on the recording, idk if cuz not real or if because discord doesn't pick up sounds that aren't voices nearby the phone, since there are noise canceling settings on presumably. that same day rena was woken up by cats meowing near the bed though and she couldn't see them, but felt it was going to scratch her face, so she panicked.


tuesday when we woke up, i heard a demon say it is not my time yet, but when rena looked to see wtf is talking to us, it said "yesss" and snatched rena out of my body, which caused me to shake violently like some entity actually reached into my back and ripped her violently out, and i immediately scream no, much like in the spider man meme, but in my head, but i guess byakko got rena back from hell, if she was ever really gone, but her doing that made me feel better and able to believe rena wasn't now just gone and in hell


rena has cried occassionally in tulpa position but not while switched in, but these last few days she's sobbed multiple times switched in or tulpa position, and so have I. it is hard for me to cry physically and usually i only do in tulpa position, and if i do switched in, it isn't always such major snot nosed sobbing like a baby like it has been. the only one who hasn't cried switched in or out is byakko, cuz i guess she is built different, idk. byakko had started to need to switch in because me or rena being switched in is a downhill descent into madness, anger, fear, and terribleness. occassionally we still can laugh or feel good. rena reverted to a 14 year old version of herself once and felt really happy doing that, imagining us as actually 9 and 4 (tb and byakko) as little sisters, and hanging out in bed all day cuz we're sick and watching youtube videos stylized like 2009 and stuff. she also imagined eara being my friend and visiting


but yeah, i told my therapist i needed to go to the doctor to see what is wrong with me, but she said the soonest they could do was next tuesday... so i was frustrated but accepted it, and had been waiting in fear for it to happen again and wondering if our mind will ever go back to normal. wednesday morning though, we woke up, with chest feeling more tired than ever, like despite beating 60bpm most of the time, it felt like it had been running for miles and wanted to stop running, that kind of sensation, among other strange, awful sensations in the body that just feel like sensations i've never felt before and are meant to alert a person to medical emergencies. so i became very angry and had to go to the hospital, so friends got my an uber to an actually decent hospital because everyone agrees the one near by is awful and they would have probably checked my bpm, shrug and kick me out into the cold and charge insurance 300 dollars for sitting in a bed in misery for 12 hours with no assistance and horrific food if any food whatsoever


the hospital i did go to did several tests, but couldn't get a bed cuz there were no beds available. but after the tests, the doctor said they see no sign there is anything wrong with my heart after an EKG, X-Ray, and blood test, and blood pressure cuff and pulse ox and stuff. (oddly i'm recalling now they never listened to my heart though, i kind of wish they did, but idk)


i was recently started on wellbutrin sr because i was told that maybe it would work if wellbutrin xl did not, because wellbutrin xl, the doctor said, is like trying to heat up a cup of coffee in a crock pot for 45 seconds and sr is like, actually using a microwave. the sr does nothing though of course. it just gives brain fog. but apparently it can also cause panic attacks unlike xl. (xl is white and sr is red). (xr or xl idr, i just remember x and s and i got s something, sr, red)


they also said anemia wouldn't be solved by just eating a meal so it wasn't any sort of severe anemia


so i think maybe i have just gained a new incredibly super severe panic disorder from all the life stress and money troubles that increasingly get worse and more unmanageable and lack of food and supplies and things in house going wrong like the drains clogging but i can't contact landlord out of fear, and also politics. i've never been more horrified by the current administration and more doomer in my entire life ever even close by ever news headline i see and explaination of what is going on that i see. it seems to be the end of the country and world and everything is doomed and over and worthless and some people will fight but will lose and it's over, so i've given up. hope i see better news but i can't look at it without wanting to cry or punch a wall until both my fists are thoroughly broken


i thought maybe the dhhr ignored me because of trump ending all social programs, as i got that letter of my foodstmaps ending around the same time trump stopped all government services and took away peoples cancer treatments and everything else. i got my foodstamps on the 4th somehow though, but they didn't increase like they should due to my rent going up massively (50 dollars is massive for me). i got another letter saying it will still close soon though if i don't turn in the things i already did and i can't find the paystubs and i don't have motivation to do anything anymore. haven't drawn since the first, and couldn't get 4 hours in because it was interrupted by the dying spell


even byakko switched in has had spells of suddenly feeling like she is dying, but she handles it much better, but they result in her infinite energy and positivity being temporarily disabled, so rena usually switches with her temporarily so she can recharge because we can't have her ending up like us from being too wore down. rena is sometimes okay and sometimes not okay. i'm basically never okay anymore for the most part. byakko is only one who can really feel genuinely happy and enthusiastic, and not spiral out of control mentally from external stimuli. without her it'd be truly a wrap, but instead it is just a really death defying battle that idk how it will go


if the brain doesn't repair itself, i might have to quit my job, and since all social security is already impossible before trump and now that we have trump, it probably literally won't even exist anymore, i will likely lose all my income, unless we can get it all from just drawing. considering i am useless, things don't look great other than the hope of my tulpas carrying things. maybe my best use is to suffer, and in events where they are both tired, i will switch in to be the primary experiencer of misery while they recharge, so they can function more happily


the silver lining is near death experience (real or perceived idk, it's EXTREMELY hard to not believe my life was in danger, because if someone broke into the house and shot me with a gun and ran away, I would literally have felt more confident in survival (assuming they didn't shoot in the chest or head, or an artery). I also would be less scared if i was shot, i think. not saying i'm some tough cowboy, it's just the horror of being shot is less than that, because i could never fathom in  a million years it was possible to experience completely terror and horror that bad. I'd rather have my arm broken in half than experience that again))


the silver liining is the near death experience has made me not want to take time for granted anymore since life can end so unexpectedly without warning seemingly. can be totally okay and then oh, in 5 seconds i will pass out and never wake up again with my last moments being extreme terror.


the other silver lining is, being told my heart is okay has made us feel a little better and less panicky, and last night we were able to get our first full night of sleep in seemingly since a whole week. we still don't feel great, but maybe we can exercise again without fearing heart exploding. i don't know about weird sounds and going outside, or possible hallucinations. i talk to therapist tomorrow so we'll see what they say. i'm not going to take wellbutrin again. both do nothing, except one maybe just induces death i guess. maybe it is powerful enough to make lumi feel something


i can't afford to have my feelings randomly hurt for no reason on the forum, so i probably won't post as much or at all, because someone saying something mean might actually induce a sense of my heart about to explode. unknown if rena will post. byakko seems more okay posting, if she wants to, but she isn't particularly motivated to. but there is some deep desire or need for community so it sucks to leave and i don't want to leave. i don't know what i will do. maybe revert to posting a lot because can't contain self, get hurt and die from backlash of getting ratio'd for saying something negative or people taking something i said too seriously or incorrectly. would be pretty funny


i will maybe update again in a few days or weekish or sunday i guess since that'd be one week since the event and see how i am compared to then. if i'm truly fully disabled unambiguously (except to the government who doesn't give an F) or if i can return to at least doing brainless job and delay homelessness a little longer.

 

 

 

tl;dr

i was already scared to go outside and more scared to go outside in the dark. now i'm scared of being scared, because i don't know if it will induce extreme abject terror and feeling of physically dying, and i have no close 2nd in terms of bad or horrifying experiences and am crushed. byakko is our only hope right now, or this psyche damage not being permanent

Creation for creation's sake.

 

we draw things

 

Resident Dojikko

Link to comment
Share on other sites

16 minutes ago, TB said:

but yeah, i told my therapist i needed to go to the doctor to see what is wrong with me

 

Well if you're not eating enough, that's the simplest and biggest-deal to address first. Get the food stamps thing sorted out, whatever they make you do, and tell anyone you talk to in the process that you are literally starving.

Also (as in, in addition to) look up any soup kitchens/meal centers near you, because "starving because food stamps were denied" is exactly who those exist to help. It's really important you get enough food and water, that's the only way you can be sure your body is doing everything it can to stay alive. You can't expect it to keep functioning with no fuel (or the magic "make everything work" substance that is water) - vitamins as in gummy/pills you take are more nuanced, lack of them shouldn't cause drastic symptoms like feeling like you're dying, though things like vitamin D deficiency can cause depression and so on, so it's good to still have them at least occasionally. Vitamins as in the nutrients you get a ton of from food like iron though, those are the big things your body uses to sustain itself, so they are important, and luckily they're pretty hard to avoid as long as you are eating food.

 

So yeah, the food stamp business should be your number one priority, and don't accept no's for an answer. If that system really is shut down somehow, you will be in great company with millions of other hungry americans both rioting and supporting each other soup-kitchen wise, but otherwise you need to just do everything you can to assure you're getting what they're (doing their best to not) offering.

In the meantime, find a soup kitchen/meal center/whatever term gets you the search results you need, because not-eating is not an option.

 

For forum activity - I think if you keep interaction short-and-sweet and let people know you're really struggling and can't handle negativity right now, people should be able to accommodate just fine. Even we require occasional social interaction or we get depressed, so you're surely not an exception, but yeah, being selective about your activity & where can help make sure it stays positive and high quality.

Hi, I'm Tewi, one of Luminesce's tulpas. I often switch to take care of things for the others.

All I want is a simple, peaceful life. With my family.

Our Ask thread: https://community.tulpa.info/thread-ask-lumi-s-tulpas

Link to comment
Share on other sites

i have food again for the moment because of friend and meal replacement powders, and despite it saying it wasn't going to, my foodstamps did get reloaded a couple days ago, but still got a letter saying they will be shut down by a certain date, where it did not seem to indicate the date. so yeah i will try for like 4th time to get therapist to help with that. not having a case manager sucks. had an amazing one who would instantly fix all problems like this, but she decided she wanted to be a counselor instead, and after 8 months, she has not been replaced, so i'm left vacant, and relying on people who aren't her, which all people who aren't her in my life do very little to help and will not like aggressively remedy these things for you immediately, even if they are also case managers

 

she was specifically a case manager for mentally ill people who struggle to do things on their own, but i guess she was literally the only one in my county or something and it is impossible to hire a new one

Creation for creation's sake.

 

we draw things

 

Resident Dojikko

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Have you looked extensively into finding another case manager? Understandably finding one who's working for ~free/under your insurance is probably much harder, but still, being stuck to one facility isn't always worth it. I don't know if you even have other options, I just know the clinic we went to for a long time kind of sucked, and we didn't end up finding another until it literally shut down because all the doctors/etc. left.

Hi, I'm Tewi, one of Luminesce's tulpas. I often switch to take care of things for the others.

All I want is a simple, peaceful life. With my family.

Our Ask thread: https://community.tulpa.info/thread-ask-lumi-s-tulpas

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...