Tulpa Jesse - reviving a tulpa

[tania]

Yesterday I think I saw a part of Jesse's personality I had not seen before, the first part I've seen which I did not put this trait into him while making him. 

 

I was using

(the tulpa generator) to try to get a better visual of him seeing I'm currently not sure what colour his hair is or if he still has the plaits he used to etc. (I'm wanting to know so I can make the doll as accurate as possible).  It looked like things were going to go well as within first few minutes the dots a couple of times disappeared and the image became just one smooth colour but then I remembered I'd forgotten to water one of my pets so I mentioned this to Jesse (directing my thought into the dots where I wanted him to appear).  I then added, I'll do that after I finished the session with him.

 

An inner voice, the one which is the one he seems to currently be using (it doesn't sound like my inner voice as it's a male one) came back and told me to go and do it right away.  I so I said "no, I'm wanting to finish working on you first"... he basically at that point ordered me in an authoritative way to go and water the animal. So I ended up breaking our session and doing so (unfortunately once I came back I could not get any changes again in the dots so failed with that).

 

This thou was very interesting to me as in real life I've lived a D/s lifestyle with me as a slave/submissive to a Dom or Doms partner's (at one point I was seeing two in a poly relationship) for many years and when I made Jesse back in 2013 I had thought about making him Dominant (as I made him also to be my lover and I like that there too) but had decided against doing that as the whole idea of making a tulpa who could dominate me was scary to me. (I think that would be seriously stupid to purposely make a tulpa who has the control over you).

 

but anyway, from what happened yesterday it turns out Jesse must be Dominant thou I never put that trait into him.  I had not seen this before as I had not been in a situation before with him in the past in which he disagreed enough with me to start trying to pressure me.  One of his traits I did put into him was that he's an animal lover.. so I guess that is why he ended up yesterday getting so persistant with me till I'd sorted the water issue out.

---

Ranger brought something to my attention last night thinking that maybe I have it, that being a condition I'd never heard of called Aphantasia.  On reading about it,  I'm certain I have this disorder and hence why I can not visualize at all.  My tulpas are never made by visualization and I do not work on a wonderland at all due to my inability to visualize (my tulpa creates his own wonderland and yes I can see that on the rare occassions I visit there but I did not visualise it at all, he'd already made it).  In over 20 years of meditation, I could never visualize and see NOTHING AT ALL if I'm doing things like guided meditation.  Maybe one day I will write a guide in how to make a tulpa with no visualization.

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aphantasia

 

"Aphantasia is the suggested name for a condition where one does not possess a functioning mind's eye and cannot voluntarily visualize imagery.[1] The phenomenon was first described by Francis Galton in 1880[2] but has since remained largely unstudied. Interest in the phenomenon renewed after the publication of a study in 2015 conducted by a team led by Professor Adam Zeman of the University of Exeter,[3] which also coined the term aphantasia.[4] Research on the condition is scarce. Further studies are planned."  [5][6]

 

 

People with Aphantasia still can dream... and I used to be very good at doing lucid dreaming. Though I can't visualize I can still see things my subconciousness creates.  I cant even tell people what my family members look like (other than very basic like hair colour, thin, height and eye colour which I know) as I can not visualise them. I've been unable to recognize family members at times due to this.

[tania]

https://www.ebay.com.au/itm/185cm-Real-Life-Size-Human-Skull-Skeleton-Bones-Hanging-Halloween-Props-Decor-AU/223659568017?hash=item3413262b91:m:mWeBffUlowlddVtLCfSWz1A&frcectupt=true

 

I'm going to probably get a skeleton and put my paper mache pieces over it as the skeleton has joints which position in the ways a real body would. And it's meant to hang well so I can hang it from the door to look like it's standing in my room

 

Yeap this whole thing is getting creepier by the moment lol. I will probably cut the head of the skeleton as I do not want Jesse to have a mouth like that.

[tania]

I got nothing yesterday while doing 2hrs of attention on Jesse but today had the following results

 

- a sudden wave of happiness I think which from Jesse within minutes of me starting our session.  This is good as I was experiencing before sadness coming from him at times since I picked up doing this again after 4 years not doing anything with him so I hope this means he is now over that abandonment.

 

- I had a weird sensation in my head (slight dizziness but a little different)

 

- I had a sensation of like my heart chakra opening up more when thinking of the trait "truthfulness" when focused on him and of a feeling of being less closed off.. like as if I had expanded into space a little bit.

 

-  and wow..  Jesse took over the session... (and he definitely at least once very clearly mind spoke with a very strong response)

 

.....................

 

In depth description of today's session (this is a fairly typical kind of session for me as far as what I was doing).. a session for me is typically 1-2 hrs (sometimes I do two 1-1.5hr sessions a day).  (maybe if someone is bored with what they are doing they may want to try one our daily sessions).

 

While thinking about him laying on my bed leaning on his elbows/arms (I cant visualize so it's just thinking of him laying like that.. yesterday I spent some time studying people posed in this position while then thinking about him in laying in similar way),  today I

 

- went through one of the pages of his traits till I felt like I'd focused on each one enough.  I do this while playing background relaxing music (one of Jesse's traits I've imprinted is being a music lover and he's shown me in the past he really likes music by playing amazing orchestra music I've never heard). 

 

 Today I put on 

  for us both to listen to and enjoy.  I like the 3 minute bell intervals as if I loose my focus I can bring it back every time the bell goes off. Also when I'm focusing on him and his personality traits (mostly just thinking) I often will focus for 3 mins each on some of them.. I do that for the ones I'm yet to see him exhibit though I do think he has probably already got as they are all things I focused on when I made him so I assume he does.  (He probably does not need any more imprinting of these and his personality is already fully formed, so this exercise is more so just a way I can use up time to focus intently on him).

 

- I talked to him about his personality traits and our history.. his jokes.. and what I have actually experienced with him in the past and about my emotions to those things.  I realized today that the other day was not the first time he'd exhibited being Dominant some.. in the past he's sat me on his knee but at the time I did not think anything about that in regards to D/s stuff.

 

- I talked to him on the subject of "healthy relationships" .. this was more for my benefit.  I did not hear him say anything back so it was just me doing the talking.  I've come to the conclusion I was not having a healthy relationship with him before as I was being very selfish in it... our relationship was all about me, with me not caring about anything to do with my tulpa so yeah today I had a deep (one sided) talk to him about it.

 

Spent 45 mins on the above things

 

Then for imposition.. I decided to spend 20 mins focused purely on him laying on my bed using the following music as my timer https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KjOH3AFe0OU. I had to look for a picture of that kind of body pose to help me think of him being in this kind of position and ended up using the following photo I found online (attached). I did this focusing both with my eyes open and shut.  This part of the session was filled with intrusive thoughts as it's hard to do this when one can't visualize, so my mind kept getting off what what I was doing and I was having to keep refocusing my attention.

 

Then went back to his trait focus with the 3 min timer music and spent another 10 mins focused on his traits before strongly being drawn to be staring and meditating on his picture so changed what I was doing and started doing that instead.  (during my sessions I go with the flow of the session so will often stop something and do something else if there is a pull to do something else.. I think it was his influence which pulled me to start looking and meditating on the picture of him. This is something I commonly do do during sessions but it had been my intention to do it later as I wanted to review all his traits first).

 

After 20 mins of meditating on his picture while looking at it (of his face) it started to become more real (by this point I was about 90 mins into my session).  I think I saw the eyelids actually moving.  

 

.....................

 

Warning.. the rest of this post goes more down the metaphysical rabbit hole and got very intense for me.

 

I suddenly had a question so I asked it to Jesse. The question was "can spirits enter tulpas and use their energy to come through? Jesse replied back very strongly (first time during this session I could be very certain I was hearing his mind voice).. "yes".   I then said I was wondering about if the energy signature (how the personality is of the thought-form), if the spirits would be drawn by one similar to their own personalities to merge with....  I must of dazed/tranced out some at this point as I can not remember what Jesse's response to this part of my question was.

 

Then I got an impression of Jesse.  He was sitting in locus position like a monk.  So now I'm having to try to focus on that and focus on the picture of his face.  Then I get an impression around the photo of the drawing wearing robes (thought the picture is just of a head and neck).

 

I find out that he wants to take over the session and immediately right after this the youtube video changed and co-incidentally turned out to be a brainwave entertainment one of manifesting miracles and raising your vibration.. (just the kind of thing I believe helps one with connecting with tulpas but I had no idea that that kind of video would come on next so it was a synchronicity thing). I start spacing out more (feeling like I'm mentally going into a different zone)

 

 He starts instructing me in like strong mental impressions of what he wishes me to do (so it's like mind talk but more than that as there is a strong mental impression along with influence there).  I started to breath faster when I felt him taking over the session as I've never had him do this before.  (I only just the other day found out he has a dominant trait and I'm certainly not used to him taking over things, unlike many at this site, I do not have a real interest in switching or anything like that so having him taking up the control.. well it was a lot to take in and I'm sure my heart rate picked up quite a bit over this... my tulpa taking over my tulpa session.  I've just be trying to reconnect with him and just was not quite ready for this.

 

So he's telling me to calm down and focus on the face in his picture.. which interestingly that did help calm me down more then trying to focus on the impression I was getting of him in the locus position which was what I had been doing.  He kept drawing my attention to various things to calm down (I got too excited at the intensity of things) and kept on refocusing me to relax (mind impression of him saying it).  The connection with him got stronger and stronger as we were doing this. He made some jokes about my inability to relax (I can't remember now what he said).

 

At one point I had an intrusive thought of Mahavatar Babaji and started to wonder if his energy was going to start coming in.  Jesse made some comment over my thought (I wish I remember the way he said it) but he told me that it was not (he could of made up another joke about what was going on in my head in response to my thought).

 

oh.. it's so hard for me to remember what happened when Jesse took over and the things he said.  The after memories are like I was on drugs or alcohol or something and now trying to remember what went on.  

 

Jesse basically just spent a while working with me, helping me to focus.. forcing me to try to focus more..  till he ended up telling me he thought that was enough and to stop the session. I was sitting with open eyes through out this whole Jesse taking over part of things.

 

oh at point Jesse did joke about me being to into the thing which had started playing (the mind brain entertainment video which had coincidentally came on and he said to me if I could not focus on him due to being distracted by my thoughts of that (he was like making out that he was jealous or something of part of my attention being there and not 100% on what he was trying to have me do), that he would make me switch it off.. I was like "no please leave it on" just messing about with him back.. to which he made out I'd won the battle of our wills and told me I could leave it on (but I knew he had the control over this and I would of switched it off had he insisted).

 

anyway.. this was a very strong session with him with mental impressions directing our communication.

 

ah I just remembered another thing which happened when I was like very deeply focused.  Jesse and I it was like we had telepathy going on between me and the photo when he was telling me to focus on that.  (it was interesting as I was experiencing him some crossed legged in front of me but he still go me to focus on the photo saying that would help me focus better).  And this telepathy feel was intense.   In real life I have had very rare occassions of telepathy with telepathic people and what Jesse had me do was a strong reminder of that and how the energy moves.

 

If I analyse what happened .. I did when I made Jesse made him so he was interested in psychic things with ability of things such as telepathy and also made him with the personality to be helpful.. so I guess with today (though they hadn't been trait's I'd focused on at all) he displayed these things. He was great in how he really was trying to help me calm and relax.

 

This all was the most intense experience I've ever had with working together with him... first time with him teaching me.

 

edit. I just remember another thing. I was telling me to cut/stop the drama (in a nice way) as my thoughts were just running wild instead of relaxing.  He's so much more grounded than I am.  He said that a few times to me so it's probably going to be a common thing he'll say to me.

 

additional stuff today.  I'm having a singing session hoping Jesse will join in (I cant remember if I've ever heard him sing). I keep getting amused looks from his photo as I'm singing and saying"Jesse join in" which is making me feel a little bit embarrassed.

---

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=52VYxUBhTgM  Jesse tells me he wants to play that piece on the piano. Now that will be interesting as I can't play by ear (my grandfather was extremely talented and could play anything by ear after hearing it only once) and I do not play anywhere that great for a musical piece like that using written music.  I don't know if I understood him right but I got the impression when he was speaking that he was thinking about wanting to just go on the piano and play it by ear.  (he is a bit of a musical genius, I know that due to the music he has created and played before in my head).

 

Looks like I'm going to have to get my piano tuned (I have not played it for years) to see what happens if I switched with him and let him play it.

[tania]

Nothing to report last except I think his sometimes green eyes are coming through more often when I look at his picture (which actually has blue eyes). 3 times I perceived them as green which supports how I saw them last time. When I made him I thought of him as having blue eyes which could change shades of blue but were sometimes green.. all depending on his mood... but which could also go multi-coloured if I'm remembering correctly. I'm yet to figure out at which times his eyes are appearing green.

 

I also at one point through his picture has it's mouth closed, I thought i see some teeth showing (not a wide smile though like Ive seen pictures of him do in the past). There was no verbal communication back this session so I would not have known he was there if it was not for the picture changing.

 

**fingers crossed I'll have more success next session but I guess I should not be disappointed as long as I'm picking up something during a session**. I guess at some point things will become more consistent. (I'm trying hard currently to do 2 hour of active forcing per day for a better connection though maybe some view some of what I'm doing during that as passive.. but anything where I put my attention just on him on not on other things, I call active forcing).

[tania]

Nothing to report for todays session which was uneventful except possibly some mind speak which I was not 100% sure if it was Jesse.

[tania]

I missed a day of trying to do things with Jesse after a disappointing couple of days where I really wasn't getting much at all, so I'm getting back to it today and decided to make a new picture of him as there is things wrong in the last one I did... he looked way too young when he's supposed to be older, his eyebrows were not as distinguished as they should of been and the bottom of his nose was bigger then his nose was supposed to be and he was looking a bit girly looking which he does not look like.

 

So today back to Facemaker I went and put the setting on the top one for male, made his skin more porous to try to make him look older, fixed his nose, gave him slightly bigger ears to hopefully make him look more masculine and though his eyes do change and I tried to make this latest picture of him with the green eyes I've been seeing on him of late. The picture has come out closer to how it was supposed too and he is looking now in his picture 20 years older (I hope). Hopefully I also fixed the eyes which were going slightly squinty. I also got a side on picture as well as the front one to meditate on. (I"ll try to put his hair on it later).

 

Now that I've written this.. I just need to change the picture I have here to the new one of him.

[Guest]

He looks nice!

[tania]

thanks Mischa. I love your profile picture.

---

A bit of a strange experience with Tulpa Hynosis videos.

 

Seeing I had not experienced much at all the last few days, I decided to use one of GearHeart's  hypnosis videos on youtube.  Though I aren't into the wonderland stuff (as I'm trying to impose Jesse externally and my inner visualisation skills are non existent), for something different I choose the Wonderland Immersion one https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n9FZCBoFMn4  . 

 

I went so deep during this that I could hear myself snoring while I was fully aware but the I ended up blacking out completely. (I wasn't sleeping though, it was more like I tranced completely out.. this is the kind thing which does happen to me if I reach very deep trance states

 

Warning metaphysical -  I wish I had a voice recorder player as I can at times have other voices come through me and other weird more metaphysical stuff happen when out of it to this degree which a tape recorder in the past has picked up..  The weirdest tape I got was before I got into tulpa stuff was the male voice of a higher spirit guide and it sounded like I entered a time zone as I was playing music in the background and the music in the recording of my session (I used some of my normal music as the background music) gets slower and slower till it becomes individual long drawn out notes and not music any more but the male voice speaking from me was speaking at normal speed, so it sounds like I entered into another dimensional zone or something. I don't know where I have that tape recording of that now but it sure was freaky to listen too with not knowing that any of that had happened.

 

Anyway.. I was tranced out to the point I don't know what happened when I used that wonderland hypnosis.    I then came too to find the next video was taking me into another tulpa hypnosis session, The "Tulpa creation and reinforcement hypnosis."    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KE-1JHzP2hM  . (I weirdly started to almost vomit and was going to get up and get a bucket as I felt so sick which was very strange) but as I still had a desire to experience something so I allowed myself to then follow the next session but once again zoned out so completely that I'm unaware what happened again and once again I know I didn't go into sleep but into a deep trance... 

 

then once again came too at the point where one is being taken back into hypnosis again in yet the next video a different Tulpa creation and reinforcement hynosis video but by the same people again

(was feeling a sick feel again but not as strong as when being taken into the video before).  So I then ended up completely tranced out again with no awareness (not asleep) and come too as the next video was starting to  take me again under  ARGHH .. this is crazy.

 

  I decided to get up at that point as this is ridiculous - trancing out completely to the point of awareness through several videos - as I do not even know what they are saying and imprinting into my brain during this sessions and a couple of weeks back I was reading warnings on youtube about these hypnosis videos by these people having things imprinted which shouldn't be on them and they use them to get people into a cult (some kind of sex cult if what I was reading is true and use hypnosis to make people susceptable to their cult).

 

I'm going to ignore all what just happened to me (It's a worry thou going into these videos was making me feel sick and the second I nearly vomited... maybe it was just a case of I'd just eaten before I started this and when one goes into trance everything in the body slows down including digestion so maybe that was not good for me causing me to almost throw up?.. but then maybe the feeling ill was some kind bad intuition over this video.  I've never had issues before with meditation or trance states after eating.

 

So it looks like I'll have yet another attempt at connecting with Jesse tonight but in the usual ways I go about this  .. I'll probably just meditate on his photo and talk to it every now and then or try to read to him while thinking of him being with me.

 

Has anyone else here used those videos and if you did what happened? Were they useful to you?  (I got a slight soreness in my brain now.. like I sometimes get after a forcing session).

---

I become a little scared

 

Todays session (when it finally was doing something in which I could pick up things.. see last entry), I twice heard a masculine inner voice.. it sounded a little deeper then Jesse usually sounds.

 

I also had for a very very brief moment of time  (not quite enough time for my brain to catch it properly to really pick up how he currently looks and if there has been any changes),  I saw Jesse as if physical outside of myself (unrelated to looking at the picture so not imposed over it) but it was only his face area I was looking towards at the time so that part of him which suddenly appeared like a very alive human face.

 

He? (not sure it was him or myself unlike last time he had me doing things) had me lay down and shut my eyes too after that to try to see him better but that didn't work so I went back to opened eyed trying to see him again and using the picture.

 

I felt one emotion coming from him today at one point and that was a feeling of sexual attraction. I don't think the feel come from me but him as at the time I was trying to impose his chin and I are not into chins as such and then suddenly while I was focused on his chin.. I got a wave of emotion which seemed to come from him like (want to go to bed with me thing.. a wave of sexual and attraction emotion).  So in my thoughts I joked to him about this before going back to focus on his picture.

 

His picture came alive but only with the eyes and not the rest of the picture which really creeped me out and make me for a moment feel a bit scared.. OMG the eyes and only the eyes looked 100% real.  It's interesting that happened as with that picture I think it looks like a photo except for having fake/unreal looking eyes and here I was having the eyes become realer than the rest looks.  It reminded me of you know in horror movies where their is paintings on a wall and people have cut the eyes out of the paintings and there are real peoples eyes are looking out from the picture on a wall.  (that's why it creeped me out)

 

Just before that happened, I'd expressed to Jesse that I have not seen his funny side for a little while (that would be I'd think be cause I just have not been able to connect to him much to pick up things) so ended up assuming when I remembered I'd only said that to him  minutes before, I then thought that he'd only made the eyes appear real for a joke on me but he then seemed to say to me that no it wasn't him which did that but he wished I'd thought of that one (of doing that).

 

After the initial scaring me and Jesse realizing that, the photo's eyes dulled back some so it was no longer scary for me (like then just looked half the way realer then the eyes usual fake eyes look).  I think Jesse does not want me to be scared so I think he may of somehow  maybe?? influenced how I was then picking up that.??? (I wish I'd thought to ask him.. unless my own mind at that point purposely cut back on what I was precieving so I could better cope with it).

 

That experience made me wonder if I'd get freaked out if I see Jesse standing near me like real. When I had Violet (my first tulpa) I experienced her standing by me but it was more in what I felt like a presence beside me and a strong knowing of exactly where she was and how she was.  So I like didn't need to physically see her to feel as if she was physically there so actually never really thought much before now if I was perceiving her as if physically or not.

 

warning metaphysical - But that one  (a long time ago now), the unknown who she was.. sorceress who manifested into the room and took Violet..that one (spirit or whatever that was???) appeared and was actually like physically real in my room, I would of thought she was a normal human had she not suddenly just appeared in front of me and not affected me like she did. I think I was more so scared then as it was a scary being (she chanted in some kind of magickal language which had all my hairs on my arms standing up and felt real powerful).. rather then the fact of something physical looking just suddenly appearing unexpectedly, so I think I should be fine if I see Jesse appear as if he's fully physical near me.  It was just the eyes only thing which creeped me out but anyway.. it was like things were purposely toned down to me after I got scared today so I would not be scared. (with the incident with the sorceress, I left doing tulpa stuff for around 10 years as that scared me for so much!!!)

[Guest]

That's really neat! Also the sexual thing is very common.

[tania]

Today for variety I decided to try using some hypnosis by another person and tried this one

. It turned to be not what I was expecting seeing I'm trying to impose a tulpa in like outside of myself when the video is focusing on things like "feel YOURSELF eating" so I've ended up coming to the conclusion that one is a waste of time. (I would of thought while under hypnosis I would of been asked to think about the tulpa eating).

 

If I was youtuber as at this point I'd be thinking about making my own hypnosis videos. I had a real interest when I was younger in hypnosis so tried a bit to study that field when I was younger and how to do it (and used to run guided meditation classes at times for a group) so yeah, I would of been interested in trying to make a hypnosis video myself if I was blogging there. (maybe one day I will learn how to blog on youtube or somewhere more directed towards what is needed).

 

I'm about to now go to my normal daily tupla practices.. hopefully today I''ll have more success with things. (I'll report back later)

..........................

 

The book I ordered "Tulpa" by ALvin Schwartz (the guy who write for the superman series who ended up with the superman tulpa) came in the mail today. I need to improve my German though or get Jesse to help me with my German before I can read it. (or maybe I can study it and work on my German while reading it and use Jesse to help me). I think I will attempt to do this for today's focused time with Jesse.

 

edit- Update.. That was hard. Using a translator for individual words and trying to read myself and using using the translator to help me with my German pronunciations. It has taken me 50 mins to get through the first 2 paragraphs (5 paragraphs on page one of that book). I practiced by saying the words and the sentences to Jesse (it was great narration session by that I mean not at all boring) while also focused on imposition.

 

Three times during that I forgot what I previously looked up so tried to ask Jesse the meaning for a word. First time I heard the answer in mind voice but like my own mind voice so I wasnt sure if Jesse was speaking through it or not (the answer given turned out to be correct). The second time I forgot something and sort answer from Jesse, I heard it in a masculine mind voice which sounded like Jesse and once again the answer given turned out to be correct. The third time I got stuck and got an answer back the answer turned out to be wrong.

 

Anyway that was quite interesting as usually when I have forgotten something like that, I just can not recall it and to have 2/3 of the things I had not been able to recall then heard in mind voice correct.. I'm kind of amazed how well that worked.

.................

 

Since the other day, his picture has gone back to looking normal for me so I think it's time to meditate on that again now and see I can get it to come back to life some.