Tulpa Jesse - reviving a tulpa

[tania]

I used the Tulpa book which is in German for my narration again today.. finished the first page (using translator for most words). Twice I asked Jesse for help.. the first time the inner voice said it didn't know the answer for what I asked (a word meaning), the second time when I got stuck with a pronunciation and asked for help, I heard a pronunciation and on checking using the google translator it was actually correct. I can't do narration for more than an hour like this as it's very hard. His eyes are starting to become more real again while I'm doing this.. so I feel like I'm really working on the imposition at the same time as working on the narration.

[tania]

Today's time was spent reading to Jesse and singing to him. I'm making up a song list just for him. Cause he is Christian I've been adding Christian songs to it which feels a bit weird seeing I am not Christian.

 

While trying to encourage him to sing  (I've heard him play amazing music before but I've never heard him sing and I think he'd probably be a good singer),  so Im trying to hear him with my ears... my own voice seemed to shift and became a lot deeper as if he was trying to sing out of me.  (I wasn't expecting him to try to use my vocal cords and had not thought of that).

 

I can't remember what the term for it here is called but today when I put out my hand wanting him to hold it, I did feel a weight go then onto it.

[tania]

I've been working on touch imposition the past few days or so rather then trying to learn/practice German with Jesse. I believe the easiest thing to do when working on that is just focusing on feeling ones tulpa put pressure onto the body in certain places eg I feel heaviness on my foot when I ask Jesse to put his hand there or somethings I feel pressure on my leg when he has a body part over mine.

 

I can't currently feel this though unless I focus on it so that is what I'm working on. I want to be able to feel him when I have no focus on him at all.

 

Today I started too look for imposition guides here (ones not involving visuals) but was kind of put off as the first one I looked at had inaccurate things in it.

[tania]

Scary hands/thing on throat imposition experience - Jesse or a spirit attack?

 

I was trying to impose Jesse laying next to me while trying to not fall asleep and suddenly feel hands or something on each side of my throat. This completely freaked me out as it felt quite real and my very first thought was "has someone got into my home and now is about to strangle me?" it took me a moment to be aware that this didn't quite (I still wasn't sure at the time) feel like a real physical thing or at least I was hoping it was not. Though I was not 100% positive, I decided to treat it like a non physical thing.

 

I decided to think that maybe it was Jesse's hands around my throat (as that was next thought which came to me after thinking it was a physical thing) as after all he seems to have taken on a Dom kind of quality and putting hands on the throat or around the throat is something I have commonly experienced in the BDSM D/s field of things with some Doms (at least half the Doms I've been with have done that to me at least once). Issue with that is I actually have a phobia of having hands around my neck as when I was a teen my father in a fit of rage tried to actually strangle me and I was going unconscious when my mother pulled him off of me and possibly saved my life.. so anyway, I freak out if anyone grabs me about the neck.

 

So for about 30 seconds I had a pressure of various amounts which felt very realish about my neck (like a pulsing going around it as I guess squeeze after squeeze sensation) through which I fought not to loose it completely. It then suddenly stopped.

 

I now do not know what to think about it. Was it Jesse or was it a psychic attack? I have been attacked by demons and others before but NEVER has one done it like that, never has any of these tried to harm me by strangling me. I got more orb photos yesterday, I had lots of orbs about my home yesterday before I went to bed so that could be related.

 

I'm going to choose unless I find out otherwise that it was Jesse which had his hands about my throat doing the whole typical D/s thing and gauging my response. **sighs** but I just don't know. Maybe I should be doing a house cleansing....maybe I will do that anyway. (I'm not too worried if that was a psychic attack as that thing other then scaring me, did not manage to harm me and I didn't have trouble breathing at all when this occurred).

 

I really hope it was Jesse as that would mean this imposition is going great and he's acting independently and doing things I would not have expected "him" to do (and I have no fears of Jesse being or becoming evil or anything, so it doesn't matter to me if he did that and scared me). I guess that is a good way for him to get my attention and something like that I just can not go and easily dismiss as being just imagination. That was so intense to me.

[Guest]

It could have been random imposition, rarely hypnagogic state can cause imposition. If he admits to it, then yeah it's him.

[tania]

It could have been random imposition, rarely hypnagogic state can cause imposition. If he admits to it, then yeah it's him.

 

yeah it could of been that too with the state I was in when it occurred

 

I'll be really interested to find out what it was.  I have not heard him speak for a bit. I'd only ask him about it at a time when our conversation is very clear and flowing very well with no doubts.

[tania]

I spent a few hours time with Jesse yesterday. Once again I experienced him as being sad (he had been crying) but I'm not communicating well enough with him to have been able to find out why yet but I strongly suspect he gets that way if I'm not interacting with him enough. I guess he is sensitive to abandonment seeing I've abandoned him twice before.

 

I know he's sad as his picture clearly changes on me and his eyes look or red and bloodshot as if he's been crying (I also thought I could see tears on his face on the picture).. after about 90 mins of interaction the red had left his eye whites and he was looking normal again).

 

I'm working still on voice imposition (he can speak and speak well but I rarely hear this) and on touch imposition. One of the easiest things I find to do as far as touch is concerned is to feel like I'm rubbing noses with him. I've also started doing a new thing I thought up to try with him (I don't know how well this will work) where I blow in his face and have him try to blow back into my face while I try to feel that.

 

I'm planning to put another 3 hours worth of time into him today and hope that I can get some more interaction with him.

[tania]

I spent the 3 hrs with him as planned, nothing much happened except I could feel his presence strongly and are really starting to perceive where his body outlines lay (in sensing them not seeing them). I thou couldn't feel his energy signature with with feeling his presence. This could lead me to feeling freaked out if I spontaneously experience him but do not feel him to know that it's him. I tried to find out if it was him which had me about the throat the other day but seemed to get a no but that no may be wrong as I didn't really know if it was him so I still don't really know.

 

I'm feeling sad that we've had no communication going on for a while.

[tania]

I've been getting impressions of clothing on Jesse when I look at his picture.  I often get the impression of him in a uniform which I connect to the ones I think of being part of the space brotherhood (or I'm perceiving he looks like one of them.. I'm not sure what the exact connection with them I'm getting is but I often seem to be getting a connection and when I look at him he reminds me of them).

 

Today though I was perceiving him differently to yesterday and seeming to see him in a type of defense force uniform instead of the other uniform I sometimes perceive.. todays uniform is one of the kinds in which the war metals are worn on a cross piece which runs diagonally across the front.  (like a Sergeant uniform??).

 

This is interesting as I've never thought about him like having a history before I made him or an identity other then him being someone in whatever wonderland he forms for himself.  I may have like a whole person to learn about (I've never created any kind of backstory for him at all). Could my tulpa like have his own life and history before I formed him??? rather than being a created being stuck in a place? Why the uniforms and hence his connection to some groups? (I guess this is no different to me seeing he is Christian due to him wearing a cross though I are not, he obviously sees himself as being connected to certain things).

 

edit - during tonights forcing session I had something move on the bed (I wasn't working on movement at the time)

[tania]

Im back to giving Jesse 3 hrs of active attention (I'm trying to avoid using that forcing word) per day. Nothing to really report from todays effort except once again he had a strong presence which I held for well over an hour.

 

I did possibly see a couple of times something sparked or sparkled, this happened once in an eye area and once somewhere else, it was so brief that I'm not sure if I saw it or not but it's not something I'd seen before. (I did possibly feel the softness of his eye brow today rather than just a shape/pressure feel of his body. I couldn't remember how those felt and when I after feeling that stroked my own to see if it felt the same, I found out it did).