Plurality and complex trauma healing

[Matsuri]

Specifically in our case, childhood trauma. I'm wondering what others have to share or any insights about that. We've read and been told a lot of contradicting things that only seem to support that we should forget about plurality, that it's hindering healing and isn't healthy. I can see a lot of how that is and have had a lot of trouble with knowing what to do or think. A lot of the points about how it hinders trauma healing is how it makes us disassociate and can just hinder healing. Claims like how I need to see me as grounded, think of myself as one person, whole body and mind as one individual, claiming all the disassociated parts and accepting it all as me with the body.

 

As some might have guessed, we've been kinda neglecting plurality because of how discouraging it's been thanks to everything we've heard and been told. I'm looking for insight as it's been difficult to balance between plurality and healing, and maybe in what ways being plural might help with trauma healing, the complex-ptsd kind in our case but just thinking generally is enough. Anything is welcome!

[Guest]

I can tell you from my experience, four (eight+) heads are better than one for dealing with childhood trauma. 

 

I would go so far as to say I couldn't have dealt with some things without their unique perspectives and impersonal look at the situation.

 

 

[GrayTheCat]

While I didn't experience childhood trauma to the point of developing PTSD or c-PTSD, I developed mild trauma as a result of prolonged stress and felt pressure to become a singlet for healing. I don't want to convince you one way or the other because that's not fair, but I can tell you how I felt and things Ranger picked up from talking to other people with DID/OSDD.

 

Back in 2018, Ranger read somewhere about a tulpa that hid away for an extended period of time until their host healed some. Ranger was curious about trying this himself because I was struggling with school and procrastinating on the forums or feeling distracted by Ranger's presence. After a few hours, Ranger grew really stressed out I was panicking and we both decided separating was a bad idea. I wouldn't be surprised if I had a similar anxious reaction if Ranger suddenly disappeared. Because of this, I don't believe it would be currently possible for me to integrate with Ranger willingly. The stress of him not being around quickly outweighed all of the cons of him being around, and I don't want to re-experience being completely alone again.

 

I think it ultimately depends on your case. You guys have the additional problem of having dissociation and amnesia barriers, something Ranger and I never had to worry about. Ranger could always give me extra wiggle room if I needed it, but other times he would procrastinate with me.

 

This was kind of similar to others telling us we need to downsize as a system. I felt too stressed about dissipating my headmates or forcing them to integrate, so I didn't. The only integration or dissipation I'm comfortable with is when my headmates consent to it. Even though it's stressful to work as a larger system, the idea of forcing headmates to integrate or dissipate seemed so much worse. Since you guys are a traumatic system, I'm not sure if any one of you has the ability to force integration or dissipation in your system, and if you did I think the outcome might be uglier than a host doing it. The guilt of doing that (if it's even successful) in of itself would be hard to move on with.

 

If everyone in your system thinks integrating is the right thing to do, I think that's a completely different ball game. Integrating in this case will be a far healthier, and most of the negatives that make integration a bad idea won't apply because everyone agreed to it. If you all decide that being a singlet is for the best, then I can't say that's a bad thing.

 

For you guys, there may be a twist though. Being multiple can make it harder to cope, but I don't know if taking away the multiplicity piece will solve the root problem. I don't know if this is true, but Ranger heard from some people that a traumatic system can split at any time as long as they have the disorder, so even if you do manage to integrate, the stress of something in the future may make you multiple again. I'm not sure if you would be able to integrate back or if you will end up back at square one where you and your alter have no idea you're a system. I want to emphasize that this may not be true, I'm just speculating based on what I heard.

[Matsuri]

2 hours ago, Bear said:

I can tell you from my experience, four (eight+) heads are better than one for dealing with childhood trauma. 

Our look is pretty different, we do have heads outside helping us deal with is, and those heads are what are discouraging plurality, with pretty good reasons. I do have an easy time with leaving it behind, it's just that there are emotional aspects and questions I want answered. I don't know if anyone can satisfy us with what we wanna hear, but that's why I'm trying in hopes we will find something.

 

1 hour ago, Cat_ShadowGriffin said:

The stress of him not being around quickly outweighed all of the cons of him being around, and I don't want to re-experience being completely alone again.

This is a funny one in our case, we don't feel any emotional dependence at all with our headmates, it's as if they're part of me as a whole, not separate. I do wish to have them but the views we had before doesn't feel like they would work anymore.

 

1 hour ago, Cat_ShadowGriffin said:

I think it ultimately depends on your case. You guys have the additional problem of having dissociation and amnesia barriers, something Ranger and I never had to worry about. Ranger could always give me extra wiggle room if I needed it, but other times he would procrastinate with me.

I don't experience amnesia barriers as of now, although I can't speak for things that might be laying around, it's nothing that really affects our daily life that much as it's mostly if anything related to the past and memories resurface on it's own during healing, which then needs to be affirmed as it's all part of me, a whole, from what we've been taught. Dissociation isn't a big deal or we're just so used, it's predictable and we can expect when or situations it might happen in.

 

1 hour ago, Cat_ShadowGriffin said:

Since you guys are a traumatic system, I'm not sure if any one of you has the ability to force integration or dissipation in your system, and if you did I think the outcome might be uglier than a host doing it. The guilt of doing that (if it's even successful) in of itself would be hard to move on with.

We don't feel the guilt, we don't feel like integration or dissipation is relevant to us, it's weird to explain. Basically, I feel like being all three but can still be one of them if needed. Maybe there lies more in that thing and how we could adapt plurality around trauma healing? I don't know, might have to think deeper about it.

 

1 hour ago, Cat_ShadowGriffin said:

If everyone in your system thinks integrating is the right thing to do, I think that's a completely different ball game. Integrating in this case will be a far healthier, and most of the negatives that make integration a bad idea won't apply because everyone agreed to it. If you all decide that being a singlet is for the best, then I can't say that's a bad thing.

The ideas we've gotten are to simply abandon the ideas of plurality, as even making it ritualistic in any sense can be harmful in the path to healing from what we're told

 

2 hours ago, Cat_ShadowGriffin said:

For you guys, there may be a twist though. Being multiple can make it harder to cope, but I don't know if taking away the multiplicity piece will solve the root problem. I don't know if this is true, but Ranger heard from some people that a traumatic system can split at any time as long as they have the disorder, so even if you do manage to integrate, the stress of something in the future may make you multiple again. I'm not sure if you would be able to integrate back or if you will end up back at square one where you and your alter have no idea you're a system. I want to emphasize that this may not be true, I'm just speculating based on what I heard.

First off, we've already abandoned the alter and DID ideas as that's seen as unhealthy by a psychologist, it's apparently best to not focus too much inside and playing around with the psyche as cptsd could be pushed further into even more complex dissociation issues and backtrack healing, and have been adviced to just focus on the physical and cbt instead. It's helping so far a bit but we're also wanting to find a way to implement plurality back into our life without contradicting too much with what we've been taught and not interfere with healing. I guess views and how to think would be appreciated to know, we're not looking into meta stuff, brain is just currently way too obsessed with sciency things

[Guest]

Try it then.

 

Dormancy

You could test out temporarily pausing the idea of plurality. Pick a headmate and put everyone else into dormancy. Do whatever healing they recommend and pick it up later if you want to.

 

From my perspective, Joy and Gwen didn't change at all regardless of any length of time in dormancy, and anyone else in our system would be similar afaik. This is safe even for years in my experience.

 

Some of our headmates are dormant and they couldn't really care less.

 

Lock-Merge(R) or long-term merge

Another alternative to I integration, could be merge or lock-merge everyone into one new person. It works beautifully in either case in terms of singlet simulation. 

 

In our case, none of SheShe's constituents have changed at all, they're not getting more like SheShe after almost 9 months anyway.

 

We played with Aleshe who is everyone but me, and another who is everyone (another female) so in my case I don't want that, but configuring everyone into a male like Bashley (Ashley and I) is also an option if I had to. 

 

Integration

If you must integrate, it may entail dehumanizing everyone to the point that they're just masks or aspects. Let your doubts take over, ground yourself as a singlet and either keep them as masks or facets or just don't. Integration to me sounds like it could be handled as a permanent merge or straight denial, I don't know how you get around that if you're not just putting the rest into dormancy.

 

We'll support you no matter what, and whoever you end up as.

 

[System Corporation]

15 hours ago, Matsuri said:

Basically, I feel like being all three but can still be one of them if needed.

 

[Ranger] This is interesting to me, maybe you guys already integrated a bit behind the scenes. Fish and Evergreen haven't reached that point, however both of them seem to blend more often and are easier to confuse between the two.

 

[Cat] Unless you have anyone objecting, it seems like you guys more or less decided to integrate. It also seems like that's a healthier choice than staying plural at this point since the feelings of guilt or dependence are not factors for you guys.

 

Other people saying plurality is bad is stressful, and in this case your doctors, who probably have a lot more context than I do, are the ones recommending it. It seems worth it to me if it means it's a better option for healing.

 

15 hours ago, Matsuri said:

It's helping so far a bit but we're also wanting to find a way to implement plurality back into our life without contradicting too much with what we've been taught and not interfere with healing.

 

I can't see why you can't become plural again later in life. However, I don't think anyone should ever feel pressured to become plural if you enjoy being a singlet and heal.

 

14 hours ago, Bear said:

Integration

If you must integrate, it may entail dehumanizing everyone to the point that they're just masks or aspects. Let your doubts take over, ground yourself as a singlet and either keep them as masks or facets or just don't. Integration to me sounds like it could be handled as a permanent merge or straight denial, I don't know how you get around that if you're not just putting the rest into dormancy.

 

[Fish] I'm sorry, but the wording you used made me feel uncomfortable.

 

While I think this is effective, this is not what I want for my integration. I don't want to be dehumanized, it's okay I existed in the past. The plan is to have Evergreen accept he was me all along, not that I didn't exist or I was never a real person.

 

The expectation is Evergreen will go through all my memories and explain to himself why he's me, that way I end up becoming him and there's no me to wake up again. I don't know if this will work exactly as I say, I haven't integrated with him yet.

[Guest]

Integration is an uncomfortable subject, so it couldn't be helped. I was just listing options. There's no reason for me to integrate anyone since Lock-Merge (bear tested system approved) was the best option for us to cull the herd. Being a larger system for a year was ultimately untenable and my systemmates had to come up with this on their own and force it on me because I refused to entertain the subject, but was struggling as a full-time fronter with seven total. Four is manageable, always was.

Edited August 18, 2020 by Bear

[Matsuri]

23 hours ago, Shadow System said:

Other people saying plurality is bad is stressful, and in this case your doctors, who probably have a lot more context than I do, are the ones recommending it. It seems worth it to me if it means it's a better option for healing.

It sure is, not only because I've been into plurality for so long. We've been told and taught now how and why plurality is bad for a very long time, and it's kinda affected us more deeply as we have a partner system and all too. I've started to see tulpamancy as being mere fantasy more, from before seeing it as very real. I don't know what there might be in that.

 

23 hours ago, Shadow System said:

[Cat] Unless you have anyone objecting, it seems like you guys more or less decided to integrate. It also seems like that's a healthier choice than staying plural at this point since the feelings of guilt or dependence are not factors for you guys.

I did kinda dislike the guilt tripping factors in plurality, and as soon as they disappeared, it was like the sole thing that holds tulpamancy in place just disappeared and I seem to have a much different view. As if there are no difference between being plural and singlet, the biggest difference between a character and a tulpa is the emotional dependence.

 

On 8/18/2020 at 3:12 AM, Bear said:

Lock-Merge(R) or long-term merge

Lowkey thought about us having become some kind of merge, dunno, I guess our plurality really is a mystery to solve. The worst thing is how I view it as fantasy and delusional, while also wishing I didn't, and I can see it being part of a self-preservation response too as I really don't want to mess up our head and views too much. I feel like this issue is very deep and far, and it's not easy to abandon it for me

 

 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Matsuri said:

the biggest difference between a character and a tulpa is the emotional dependence.

This statement isn't true for me in that it is not the biggest difference, it is a difference, and on a day to day interaction it sometimes  'feels like' the only difference.

 

If anything thay don't want me to be dependent on them and I don't want to be dependent on them. So if I'm not, what's left? In reality what's left is the meat of the issue and may come down to their actual value vs. not having them.

 

Pardon my long winded response...

 

First understand that this is personal and no one needs to know, and I never recommend telling anyone about tulpamancy.

 

We all have facets, I call it that as how someone sees you from their perspective. If you intentionally show a different facet to different people, they can view you as two different people and this is seen all the time with children, the innocent little Johnny with his mother and the vandal or drug addict. Those are some vastly different facets, but Johnny didn't make a separate personality or headmate to do this, he just has different sides to himself, good or bad. When the sides oppose we call the person two-faced.

 

It can be completely normal too, the facet you have in a church or with your friends. Different facets, same person.

 

So headmates have fewer facets by necessity. Their dealings with different people and situations are limited. This changes with switching of course. A symmetrical system will have an equal set of facets for each headmate.

 

Anyone looking from the outside sees one person, unless you're physically changing your appearance drastically. When you're close to someone you get to see more of their facets and they're not necessarily all good. To anyone else who isn't in the know, your whole system acts as one person even with switching. Say Lucilyn vs Lumi, there's a very clear difference, but not outside the realm of moods and facets, so even then, from the outside they wouldn't need to tell anyone they're plural.

 

Given that it becomes a purely personal and internal struggle, aside from friends your headmates make ofc or for people who know you as plural, it makes more sense that some of your facets are grouped otherwise.

 

My point is, it doesn't matter what anyone outside says, either you're healthier as a singlet or as a plural and you can't know that without trying it. Even integrated headmates can be split, so there's never going to be a permanent solution other than by your continued ability to act as one person, regardless of what facets you show. 

 

For me there has to be more to this because saying this is just fantasy or delusion or illusion or emotional dependence is like saying I'm a genius in some very important ways, such as self-soothing, self-love, self-confidence bolstering, etc. Many of the healing techniques we used requires the reassurance of others, in lieu of others, them. 

 

Could it have happened with just characters or paper dolls that you can put back on the shelf? I can't know that and there's no way to test it for me, as they do otherwise 'feel the same'.

 

Truly then it's up to you to decide what you personally believe and that's arbitrary in my mind. If I decided that my headmates are all characters, I would have to conveniently forget or change my memories (which I can do) to represent them as characters and not people. My heart wouldn't love them any less. They're part of my life but even if I decide they weren't independent people, I wouldn't abandon them because they are a ton of fun and concentrating on them as I've done over the years has really strengthened them and they're very useful to me. I love doing this, whatever this is, and if anything it's fun. 

 

It is a fact that having them as friends boosts my self-esteem, self-love, self-worth etc. So if I lost them I would also lose that and I wouldn't be as happy as I am now but I would live and concentrate more on the people in my life, not that I'm not doing that already. Yhey don't subtract from my other relationships, if anything they're a huge benefit. By giving them the credibility of a second and independent opinion, they do help in making decisions that are better than I could do alone (this is verified by my experience and very real). They're more perceptive then I would be alone, and they're more intelligent then I would be alone. By whatever mechanism, they have improved my ability to interact with the world around me. I don't want to be dependent on anyone, but yes I would probably be lonely again too.

 

The conclusion is, we don't know what they do for you, or what you gain or lose by integrating, so I say try it, that's all you can do right?

 

I do understand that you have issues with grounding and this is more ungrounded than being a singlet, so if it must be done, so be it, and the most grounded way I can think of is depersonalization of the other headmates into facets of yourself. This would allow your psyche to integrate your experiences, change your perspective on your memories and move on. 

Edited August 19, 2020 by Bear