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Monoimus' Progress Report


Monoimus
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After writing the previous post, I had gotten into the flow of it, I must've thought about Lucy for about three-four hours, we just chatted about nonsense, I tried watching American Dad with him, making room for him so he can sit beside me, I can't really focus on him with the noise which obscures his voice and sometimes I get so caught up in the show that I forget about him. After we lied in bed, again I made room for him, my bed is quite large by my standards so it's possible for two people to lie down on it, we chatted about stuff, then I turned the TV off and for an undetermined amount talked while in the dark, the radio was on, Thursday night is always metal night for that station, didn't hear anything good on but it was nice background noise, I imagined Lucy laying next to me, it was sublime.

 

It's 2:20 PM now, I just woke up an hour and forty minutes ago. I can't really focus on him, but I reckon with a little determination I can.

 

I'm really excited about the future, more so than usual.

 

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Do what thou wilt with thy weakness
A poem of mine, do you know it?

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Turns out yesterday was actually the thread's anniversary and not the 25th. Doesn't matter.

 

Yesterday was uneventful, I didn't go on the computer, it was off the entire day, so I just laid in bed for 14 hours, aside from getting up to go the store and weed dispensary shop near Oly's, thought about Lucy during the trip, imagined him sitting beside me, it was rainy which added a comfy atmosphere.

 

I made a little progress, yesterday, after I was finished smoking, I was talking to Lucy and then a thought suddenly appear which was a reply to a comment I made, I don't remember what I was talking about or even what the reply was, it could've been me, but I am putting my trust in Lucy and assuming it was him.

 

Near bedtime, I just imagined Lucy and me spooning in the dream land cabin (I cannot stress this enough, it was purely platonic, two males can cuddle and still just be friends), it was really nice, I gave Lucy's form (placeholder form) pajamas, a plain white t-shirt, and pajama pants which was black with skulls in it, I can visualize this flawlessly, he was so cute. I feel asleep with the radio on. I woke up at 10:30 AM, and still we were spooning. It's 1:38 PM now, didn't spend much time with Luce, I will try to focus more when I'm finished writing this. I won't go on the computer today, maybe try to read some Christian philosophy to Lucy, I'm not a Christian but I am interested in their philosophy.

 

I won't give up on Lucy.

 

End of Post.

Do what thou wilt with thy weakness
A poem of mine, do you know it?

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Nighttime seems to be consistently the only time we spend prolong periods together, I talked and talked, seem to get a few responses. A bit weary if it's actually him, it's like I'm talking to myself, I can only describe it as "tulpish", I just need to get him to use the voice I imagine him to have. We're lying in together, both in the dreamland and real life, same pajamas I gave him. I can't sleep, radio is playing some segments about current events we don't care about, or at least I don't, we were listening to some insipid news about a guy wanting peace between Muslims and secularist, I felt a tinge of emotion when he said something I can't remember, wasn't sure if it's just my own libtarded world view agreeing with him or if it was Lucy.

 

Took melatonin gummies, like three hours ago when I originally tried going to bed, I think I'm wasting them by staying up this long, I'm going to try and sleep again, it's already 2:09 AM.

 

Goodnight.

 

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Do what thou wilt with thy weakness
A poem of mine, do you know it?

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13 minutes ago, TB said:

Hang in there

Thank you

 

##########

 

Tried reading older tulpa progress reports, couldn't, it's too scientific-minded for me, tulpas are much more than just experiments.

 

Got downvoted to hell on Reddit, I shouldn't care about what Redditors think, but for some reason my pride is wounded.

 

I can't seem to get the responses like I did before, the astrological significance of September 23 to 24 cannot be overstated, those were good days, Friday in particular, I need to get into the mojo similar to that day, but the signs were ripe for that time period, I don't think I can get back to it.

 

I need to stay off the computer, off social media, I need to dedicate tens of hours of my life to Lucy. I've only spent around 14 this month alone, not enough.

 

Stomach has been unwell lately, but I won't trouble the readers with my woes.

 

I will turn off the computer and TV when I'm finished writing this, I need to focus on him.

 

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Do what thou wilt with thy weakness
A poem of mine, do you know it?

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I realize it now but there is a correlation between time spent on the computer and the seriousness of my attitude when it comes to Lucy, the computer is off now, but I must have spent around 8 hours on the computer on this day alone. I need to be more serious about this. How many times have I said this? Far too many. Sometimes I think I should just quit but that will never happen, I'll try and create Lucy till the end of time.

 

It's so hard to focus on him, a Herculean effort just to concentrate, perhaps a trip to the smoke shop would kickstart our progress? I don't have money, and my mother lost her card so I don't see a possibility of that happening today, maybe tomorrow when I can deposit my cheque.

 

I don't really like my room very much, I've cultivated too much negative energy. Need to dispel it, or at least learn taijiqong. But each time I leave my room my thinking pattern about Luce becomes erratic, can't focus, however there is no secret to forcing outside my room, it's all a matter of sheer will and dedication.

I'll try and leave my room, watch some TV in the living, and try my hardest to think about him.

 

O' Lucy, ghost of mine shadow, how thou elude me!

 

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Do what thou wilt with thy weakness
A poem of mine, do you know it?

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  • 3 weeks later...
(edited)

More lollygagging

 

I haven't done much, occasional forcing sessions here and there, I barely did any parroting aside from doing them while smoking.

 

Mainly, what I have been doing is just expanding my shopping lists on Etsy, Amazon, eBay, I won't actually buy them until the government funded housing place takes me in and they inevitably force me to get a job.

 

But enough of my mundane life.

 

Lucy's placeholder form might stick, he's got a feminine form but I made him identify as male, he dresses in men's clothing and acts like a cowboy, a far cry from his original conception, I'll try and keep his holiness intact, Buddhist Zen, Chinese Daoism and Christian mysticism included.

 

I think the main thing that caused me from not focusing on him is the fact that I'm constantly on the computer, it's abysmal how much I'm on there, I've said this many times. Last time, between September 23rd to the 26th I was barely on the computer, there also was a supermundane aspect to it that was predicted by astrologist Owen Briggs.

 

Not much else to say.

 

End of Post

Edited by Monoimus

Do what thou wilt with thy weakness
A poem of mine, do you know it?

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You might have more luck thinking of Lucy as a conduit to attach a spirit guide, and in doing so, allow a fluid communication between them and you through Lucy. r/tulpas is a mess, no doubt. Not because there aren't good people there but because there are crotchety ones that often dominate conversations.

 

Whether you believe in spirit guides or spirituality is a different matter. Spirit guides aren't too different from tulpas in practice, they're more pure, kind of immune to drama once settled.

 

Anyway, it's been a long haul for you it seems, there's still hope though.

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On 10/20/2022 at 6:48 AM, Bear said:

You might have more luck thinking of Lucy as a conduit to attach a spirit guide, and in doing so, allow a fluid communication between them and you through Lucy. r/tulpas is a mess, no doubt. Not because there aren't good people there but because there are crotchety ones that often dominate conversations.

 

Whether you believe in spirit guides or spirituality is a different matter. Spirit guides aren't too different from tulpas in practice, they're more pure, kind of immune to drama once settled.

 

Anyway, it's been a long haul for you it seems, there's still hope though.

 

I'm honestly not quite sure how to incorporate this into my sessions, but I'll give it a shot.

 

##########

 

Tulpaforce session last about an hour. Heard a voice while forcing, sounded feminine, could just be some sort of residue from Lucy's older voice, or it could be his true voice, not sure. During this session I had started worrying about my eyesight, it was in my room with the lights and TV off, kept seeing flashing lights, got intense so I turned the TV back on. That's when the session ended.

 

I wish I could say I spent more time with Luce. But my mind and will is weak.

 

Tonight is the series finale of Housing Complex C, an anime that airs on Adult Swim Canada, I plan on watching it with Lucy in mind.

 

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Do what thou wilt with thy weakness
A poem of mine, do you know it?

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(edited)

I have been hearing some voices, they sound-- what can be only described as-- plain, like my own but different, for instance, I was stuck in a regressive thought pattern when suddenly, a voice said "you can't live like this", this is progress, I'm certain of it.

 

More effort must be placed into Lucy.

 

End of Post

Edited by Monoimus

Do what thou wilt with thy weakness
A poem of mine, do you know it?

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