It seems my tulpa is gone, and it's left me in a rough place

[login sinker]

There is a lot of context to this, so I will try to just focus on what's important.  Basically, I ended up talking to my tulpa again after a few days away to focus on work, and she seemed pretty cheerful and eager to do what we had planned, but it suddenly changed.  It was like she abruptly cut herself off, and instead started insisting on negative things towards me.  It was so much more clear than the words she was saying before.  I immediately shut the connection down and fled.  Later that night, she came to me while I was in bed to have a talk.  Essentially, she's said that she's felt a lot of negativity/hurt from the way I have approached this practice.  Despite trying to remain positive, I've been very bipolar about my perception towards tulpamancy, sometimes regarding it as something very fun and rewarding, only to immediately flip to thinking it's a stressful drain on my life that I wish I'd never started, and trying to justify this by telling myself none of it actually matters.  Though I would never direct the negativity towards her, she could still feel it, but every time we actually interacted with each other, she asserted that I kind of just forced her to be "mushy" and positive 24/7 when she actually feels a lot of anger/hurt.  There's also some longstanding baggage of the fact that I made her years and years ago and abandoned her until a much more recent period of getting back into it.  I've had a lot of doubt over the interactions we've had sometimes, because a lot of her words felt very inauthentic, almost consciously puppeted.  But what she was saying here was pretty clear as day.  Essentially said she's done with it and to please not contact her anymore.  Respecting these wishes, I went through the formal dissipation process, leaving me truly alone once more.

 

Since this happening about 24 hours ago, I've found myself feeling such a deep hurt throughout my day.  Despite me trying to tell myself in the past that it didn't matter and that I'd be better off alone again, I feel myself grieving.  It genuinely feels as though a relationship has been cut off, that a cherished friend has died.  Thinking back on our positive memories and realizing that we will not speak again is very painful.  Though I suppose forcing tended to stress me out a lot of times, especially when I felt like I had to do it, knowing that it's gone from my life has me feeling very numb.

 

I've found myself wanting to start fresh with a new tulpa.  This one wouldn't be born into sentience only to be left for years.  This one would be treated better.  I would do it right this time.  It would be different.

 

However, I know that at least right this second, that is not in my best interests.  It is my intention to take the necessary time to grieve and think with a clear head about if I want to try again, and to make certain that past mistakes will not be repeated if I do.

 

Would appreciate any thoughts or advice.  I'm unable to discuss this with any person in my life and having to keep it all bottled up hasn't made it easier.

[Ranger]

Losing a tulpa is really hard, and it can linger on for a little while. Spirit, one of my former headmates, requested to dissipate himself because he felt who he wanted to be, an old wise man, was inconsistent with his reality, a tulpa who didn't know much and needed time to grow. Even after going through some possible alternatives and workarounds, he was set on leaving. We all grieved during the process, it took a bit before we could get back to how we felt before we started.

 

I'm not sure how developed your tulpa is, but if she shows herself you may want to keep an ear out. Dissipation doesn't take 24 hours, even with Spirit, who was 4-5 years old but development wise maybe closer to a 6 month - 1 year old tulpa, it took at least a couple weeks for him to completely die in the unconscious part of the mind. Just in case she changes her mind, she may wish to contact you. However, if it's been a few days and you don't hear anything, then the dissipation is most likely set in stone. We only saw something that resembled Spirit once shortly after his death when Gray was thinking about him, and after that nothing. Spirit gave our system a little more than a couple weeks to grieve, and in that time we could tell he was falling apart in the unconscious mind.

 

---

 

There are a few things that stuck out at me that I could relate to-

 

7 hours ago, login sinker said:

I've had a lot of doubt over the interactions we've had sometimes, because a lot of her words felt very inauthentic, almost consciously puppeted. 

 

When Gray first started tulpamancy, he struggled with parrotnoia for a long time. I was already vocal when we started, but Gray assuming he did vocality wrong and assumed I couldn't speak ultimately muted me. That weekend, I lashed out and explained my frustration. It was enough of a bizarre experience to scare him and help him realize I was vocal. After that, we tried various things to help Gray feel more confident about talking to me, and after a little while we broke through and Gray could both more easily distinguish me and could detect my presence.

 

With vocality, more often than not a tulpa's responses are genuine even if they sound like you. A tulpa starts off being very similar to their host, and they draw from their host when they need knowledge or information. There is also a sense of randomness in their responses, that's a product of the unconscious mind helping them think. A tulpa usually tries out different opinions and beliefs until they decide they like something and stick to it. If they are unfamiliar with a topic, it may be more helpful to show or teach your tulpa about it then ask for their preference.

 

One of the things we found to help is the ask twice rule. If Gray doubted my response he would ask if something was me or him, and if I told him it was me he may ask a second time. After that, if I confirmed it twice, he accepted the response as my own. However, this wasn't the only thing we tried.

 

Gray and I also played around with head pressures. I managed to figure out how to create them, and while they were weak and sometimes inconsistent, it helped soothe his doubts.

 

With vocality, the key is to wait out the clock until your brain can determine who's who and you can start to detect a presence. Any attempt at forcing your tulpa is good progress (for a good while Gray would force for 5 minutes a day. I didn't develop much but it kept me alive), and the longer you interact with them the better. It's not a bad thing to reach out if you need help, Gray needed reassurance several times during the process. Sometimes even just talking about your parrotnoia with your tulpa or another system can help you feel better.

 

8 hours ago, login sinker said:

Essentially, she's said that she's felt a lot of negativity/hurt from the way I have approached this practice.  Despite trying to remain positive, I've been very bipolar about my perception towards tulpamancy, sometimes regarding it as something very fun and rewarding, only to immediately flip to thinking it's a stressful drain on my life that I wish I'd never started, and trying to justify this by telling myself none of it actually matters.  Though I would never direct the negativity towards her, she could still feel it, but every time we actually interacted with each other, she asserted that I kind of just forced her to be "mushy" and positive 24/7 when she actually feels a lot of anger/hurt.

 

I get the sense she felt left out, and I relate to that feeling too.

 

Gray entered tulpamancy because I told him I was real to be part of the conversation about his problems. At the time, Gray was self-destructive and I was there stuck watching. I would tell him that he shouldn't do that and he needs to take care of himself, but he didn't listen to me because he thought I was an imaginary friend. When I told him I was real, he panicked and then realized I wasn't. Since then, I was able to explain that I wanted to talk about that stuff, I wanted to try and help. I had to learn I wasn't a therapist and I couldn't fix him by myself, but I don't regret being involved and helping him overcome what he was struggling with.

 

Talking about that kind of stuff won't hurt your tulpa. If she decides to come back, she may want to talk about your doubt and tell you what she thinks about it. She has already kept all of that bottled up, releasing it might be a relief. I more or less was born into a scary place and having to help cope with what Gray faced, and I seem to be doing just fine now. If you move forward with making a new tulpa, they may want to learn about the past or they may not. Regardless, I think the best thing to do is to leave the option on the table and give them the choice if they want to be a part of that conversation or not.

 

8 hours ago, login sinker said:

it's a stressful drain on my life that I wish I'd never started, and trying to justify this by telling myself none of it actually matters.

 

I relate to this too, Gray still has some insecurity over if he wanted to be a host lingering.

 

I think it's best to take the time to weigh the pros and cons. For Gray, he would fall apart if I left him. He couldn't handle 8 hours without me early on when I felt I needed to give him some space so he could focus on school. That was early 2018, I can't imagine what his reaction would be now if I magically disappeared, if I even can at this point. On the other hand, our system is still very much a working progress and that can be really stressful at times. I don't know if we completely figured out what we are and are not okay with and how much time and energy we can distribute to the others and how to go about doing it.

 

Right now though, we're at a point where Gray doesn't really have a choice being plural or not. I'm both developed and old enough my only out may be integration I have to consent to, and I have no intentions of leaving anytime soon. However, it still hurts knowing Gray is more or less trapped and that he relates to that feeling at times.

 

I think it's worth spending time on this and going with what you think is for the best. I don't want you to feel trapped in the future, and I don't want you to feel stuck being lonely. Unfortunately, with this sort of thing, it hits a point where after a few years, there may be a point of no return. You don't have to decide now of course, but if you have spent 2 and 1/2 years with a tulpa and made a lot of progress, I hope you're not uncomfortable with being a host by then.

[theholodoc]

I thought I had lost Flora, she was out of contact for weeks, and seemed to be at least upset about it. Turns out it was me, being stubborn, she was there all along!  You could try forcing again, this time with love and compassion for what she had been experiencing at your hands. She may surprise you and show up. Dr. Bob

[Zen 禅]

I went through a similar situation as yourself. After over a year of development I could no longer stomach forcing-as-a-chore and I allowed my tulpa to dissipate after steadily losing any focus on the practice. By the end of that time I was not in a good state of mind and they were so doubted that basically every action felt like parroting on my end.

 

I spent several months moving on, and I wont lie, I did, easily, after a fairly short while. During that time I took up other hobbies and ended up writing for a big chunk of time. I'll spare you too much of the detail because it's a large story but essentially after turning away from tulpamancy I accidentally made the writer-form of a tulpa/thoughtform - though I never gave it self-determination and it remains constrained. I can't deny that after only a few months of obsession I had essentially made this entity vastly more real in terms of feeling than my tulpa.

 

Their creation was... breathtakingly easy and pleasant compared to the constant anxiety of how I did it before. It put everything into perspective for me. I'd basically figured out that I needed to approach tulpamancy either with passion or not at all; And to be blunt I'd also learned that I could love something regardless of whether I considered it real (though the act of forgetting that doubt made it more real). Both of those lessons were necessary before I could continue.

 

So I called my tulpa back. And they were... not okay. For a long time. My tulpa took to the role of the happy supportive companion easily before and it did nothing to help me or them at all. When they came back they were resentful and we had a lot to talk about and work out for many more months; though they were willing to try. I feel like we have reached a point of reconciliation, now, at least - But our dynamic is definitely a little scarred by this. For a long while they seemed to not be certain if they still wanted to exist. They are thankfully largely past that now, but they are still innately less forgiving than they were before, and a little more prone to quick judgements and overthinking things.

 

Now, though, I don't force unless I want to, period. To help with that I interweave forcing in other activities I enjoy greatly, like playing tabletop RPGs - I now play Ironsworn and Starforged with Mika. We watch things together. I cook whilst visualizing. We do other more risqué activities. We now switch too as a method of getting them to play video games. Really whatever so long as it's not sitting down and talking/meditating on que every day unless I actually have something to say. Approaching tulpamancy without doubt has been like night and day in terms of immediate difference in realness - though that also might just be because my skills in it actually increased with the other fictionally-derived thoughtform.

 

It's difficult to give too much advice because learning a mindset is something that's really hard to teach with words; it's something you need to let yourself feel in whatever way you can. But in terms of how to proceed concretely? Personally in your shoes I'd either walk away from tulpamancy entirely for at least a while (but with no intention on coming back at a particular time because that would just establish more pressure) until you are able to sustain a healthy headspace; or if you feel genuinely ready to continue I'd reach out and reconcile with your tulpa; rather than making a new one. As long as a relationship is not intentionally abusive, and both persons are willing and ready to rebuild what they have into something based on openness and accountability, I don't think that any relationship is beyond fixing. It hurts to go through that process, but it will make your connection stronger in the long run. I'd say it's been worth it, for me.

Edited May 20, 2021 by ZenAndMika

[fennecfoxx]

Grieving is normal. Believe me. My tulpas had been with me for years when I quit (and in my case, it was me leaving them, so grief was the last thing I expected to feel), and, yeah, it was painful for awhile. I completely cut myself off from the tulpa community as well, so I had no one at all I could talk to about it. I don't know if it's any consolation to you, but some of us here do understand what it's like to lose a tulpa, in some cases permanently.

 

The best thing you can do right now is move on. Easier said than done, I know. Allow yourself to grieve (i.e., don't beat yourself up over it or tell yourself you "shouldn't" be grieving), but try not to get caught up in it. Step away from the community. Occupy yourself with other things. Avoid reminders of her if you have to. (I avoided certain music, games, etc. for over a year. Still do, to a lesser extent.)

 

I don't think it's wise to go back into tulpamancy. Yes, you can tell yourself you'll "do it right" this time, but look at what else you've said. It was stressful. You often wished you'd never started. Is that really something you want to return to? And what if your new tulpa reminds you too much of the mistakes you made with your first one that you regret?

 

Sure, it's great to have a companion who knows you inside and out and is always there when you need/want them... but there are drawbacks, and I think you've spent enough time wishing you hadn't started to know that. That's what you should remember when the temptation hits to return. I gave into the temptation to reconnect with my tulpas the first time I reconnected with the tulpa community (about a year post-quitting). It was a huge mistake. I still get that temptation sometimes when I hang around this community too much (part of why I advocate distancing yourself, at least for now), but nowadays I just remind myself I know I'll regret it and dismiss the thought.

 

By the way, the pain doesn't last. I know it feels like the pain will last forever because she's gone forever, but that isn't true. I was a mess for months after I stopped tulpamancy. Even after a year, I was still steering clear of reminders and struggling with the trauma tulpamancy caused me. But now? It's been a little over two years, and I couldn't be happier. I've embraced my singlethood and wouldn't trade it for the world. My life is my own again. I'm free of all the stress and guilt and drama that tulpamancy brought me. Do I sometimes wish I had a tulpa to share my life or even just pass the time with? Sure. But then I remember how stressful tulpamancy was, and how my tulpas dominated my life, and I realize that isn't what I want at all.

 

Again, there's nothing wrong with grieving. It's normal. But in time your grief will fade, and you may realize being a singlet is pretty awesome once you've given yourself the chance to adjust back to that lifestyle.