Can I become friends again with a hostile tulpa

[Bean]

Hello all, I'm new here and to the concept of tulpas. I had imaginary friends growing up and never knew it could become this complex.
 

I am going to expand a little bit on my experience with imagined beings but for anyone who just wants to see the main issue/question it will be under the heart emoji (❤️).
 

I had an eagle imaginary friend that I only imagined when I was going to sleep as a child who I would tell about my day, and she would fly me to imagined places (basically wonderland/s) until I fell asleep.
Even now as an adult I still do the same thing with her if I can't fall asleep. I wouldn't consider her a tulpa since she doesn't talk and only makes eagle sounds, and we do not interact much beyond her listening to me talk and helping me fall asleep before bed. After doing some reading here I guess she could be considered a servitor.

 

I am currently working with a new(ish) tulpa called Yumi. I say she's not exactly new because she is a character I created as a child but never really went further with imagining her as anything else, but I know her very well (I am open to her deviating though in any way she pleases).

❤️

 

I have been wondering about an accidental tulpa I created in college before I knew of tulpas.
 

I was going through an extreme period of stress (from school) and trauma (from SA and an abusive partner), and I created X as someone who would take the brunt of my stress and bad emotions so I wouldn't have to. I now realize this is an awful thing to do but at the time I didn't know what tulpas were and I didn't realize the severity of doing this.

 

X ended up being extremely angry and harmful. He would self harm and looked at me like I was weak and stupid and that he was the "stronger/better one". I fully acknowledge that this was my fault because of the way I created him. Eventually X gave me a mental breakdown and I had panic attacks everyday for months. I "got rid" of X by telling myself it was all fake and never dared to think of him or give him attention again.

 

Now that I know about tulpas I know for a fact X was one and he was created in a horrible way due to my own selfishness.

Is it possible for me to bring him back and mend our relationship or is it better to just accept that I messed up and I basically don't deserve to even have him as my tulpa?

 

Thanks a lot guys.

[TurboSimmie]

Welcome Bean! 😁 Your story is really interesting; I'll try to respond and help you how I can!

 

2 hours ago, Bean said:

I had an eagle imaginary friend that I only imagined when I was going to sleep as a child who I would tell about my day, and she would fly me to imagined places (basically wonderland/s) until I fell asleep.
Even now as an adult I still do the same thing with her if I can't fall asleep. I wouldn't consider her a tulpa since she doesn't talk and only makes eagle sounds, and we do not interact much beyond her listening to me talk and helping me fall asleep before bed. After doing some reading here I guess she could be considered a servitor.

 

Aww, that's very cute! 🥰 Whether or not she could be considered a tulpa depends on how much independence she displayed, but ultimately at the end of the day it's just a label and doesn't matter all that much. She does sound like a wonderful friend in any case!

 

2 hours ago, Bean said:

I am currently working with a new(ish) tulpa called Yumi. I say she's not exactly new because she is a character I created as a child but never really went further with imagining her as anything else, but I know her very well (I am open to her deviating though in any way she pleases).

 

Really cool! 😁 A lot of people here have tulpas based on childhood characters; it's not a bad source for a tulpa because they already come with deeply formed personalities and are already intimately connected with their host.

 

2 hours ago, Bean said:

I have been wondering about an accidental tulpa I created in college before I knew of tulpas.
 

I was going through an extreme period of stress (from school) and trauma (from SA and an abusive partner), and I created X as someone who would take the brunt of my stress and bad emotions so I wouldn't have to. I now realize this is an awful thing to do but at the time I didn't know what tulpas were and I didn't realize the severity of doing this.

 

Ooh, this is rough. First of all, I'm so sorry to hear that you went through such terrible things. Nobody deserves that. I can't really blame you for the way you chose to cope: you didn't know what tulpas were at the time, and you didn't really understand the harm you were doing. In traumatic situations people tend to latch onto whatever coping mechanism they can find, and even if it's not good they do it out of necessity to survive.

 

2 hours ago, Bean said:

X ended up being extremely angry and harmful. He would self harm and looked at me like I was weak and stupid and that he was the "stronger/better one". I fully acknowledge that this was my fault because of the way I created him. Eventually X gave me a mental breakdown and I had panic attacks everyday for months. I "got rid" of X by telling myself it was all fake and never dared to think of him or give him attention again.

 

Now that I know about tulpas I know for a fact X was one and he was created in a horrible way due to my own selfishness.

Is it possible for me to bring him back and mend our relationship or is it better to just accept that I messed up and I basically don't deserve to even have him as my tulpa?

 

X's creation was certainly tragic and it looks like it came back to bite you, but like I said, in desperate situations we tend to cling to whatever survival mechanisms we can find. The first step for healing is to acknowledge the harm you did to X; you've already done that. The third step is forgiveness. Not just X's forgiveness, but you forgiving yourself. You may notice I skipped the second step, and that wasn't a mistake: The second step is the work you have to put in to get to that point.

 

X was created out of anger, stress, and hurt, and now he embodies those emotions. When you think about it, you leaned on him heavily for support; in many ways he was your strength. He can still be your strength; knowing your own dark side, having mastery over your own pain and hurt, and coming to terms with the past, that will all make you a very powerful person! But in order to do that you have to flip the script: Where you once showered X with every manner of negative emotions, you should now shower him with nothing but love. Show him nothing but gentleness, kindness, and compassion. Acknowledge the role he played in helping getting you through some of your hardest times. Let him know that you love him and that you are willing to work to heal him, because healing him will help you heal yourself. Be patient if he lashes out at first, but don't let him get out of control. Let him know that there's still a place for him in your life, not as an antagonist or a dumping ground for bad emotions, but as a partner and a source of strength.

 

This will not be easy to do but if successful having X as a friend and supporter could greatly enrich your life. I don't know anything about you or your mental state, so it's still possible that letting X back in could do more harm than good. But if you're in a mentally healthy place, cautiously reaching out to him is probably a safe thing to do. Let the door be open for him, but don't be afraid to shut it again if he refuses to walk through with you. Always keep love at the front of your mind; he didn't experience a lot of love in your first go around, but if you show him nothing but love now you will see it's transformational power. 💚

 

I wish you all the best, and feel free to message me at any point if you have questions or want to talk. 😁

[Bear]

5 hours ago, Bean said:

Is it possible for me to bring him back and mend our relationship or is it better to just accept that I messed up and I basically don't deserve to even have him as my tulpa?

 

You can do either. What you made was like a facet or very one-dimensional autonomous caricature. That can be the start of a headmate but by itself it's next to nothing. In the process of forcing that one facet will remain but a countless number of healthy ones will be added and the original would end up nothing more than an origin story as the person you create wouldn't be "that person" anymore.

 

This could also be useful in comming to terms and accepting that part of your life. It may be painful as well but if you offer positivity and love that's what will be made.

 

Tulpas are a sponge, soak them in light, they are light. Soak them in darkness, they are darkness.

[Mockwriter7772]

On 4/27/2022 at 1:30 AM, Bean said:

Is it possible for me to bring him back and mend our relationship or is it better to just accept that I messed up and I basically don't deserve to even have him as my tulpa?

@Beani am not too terribly experienced as a tulpamancer but i know it is entirely possible to mend it. i will have to do a bit of thinking, but right afterwards i will get back to you

[Mockwriter7772]

well, here is my take on this. you created him to take the blunt of your bad emotions. those emotions shaped him.

On 4/27/2022 at 1:30 AM, Bean said:

He would self harm and looked at me like I was weak and stupid and that he was the "stronger/better one"

this seems like some sort of coping on his side. because he went through all of that and you have not he feels that it makes him stronger. does he self harm the body or himself? that is obviously also explained by the things he went through. you need to convince him that you will not use him like that again, or for an alternate route, praise him. aknowledge that he went through all of that directly to him, thank him for what he has done and simutaneously try to make ammends for it. if it were me and i went through all of that because of my creator and they aknowledged what i did for them, that it would make me feel happy that it was aknowledged. maybe he just wants your attention for it (i dont mean that in a bad way, i mean that he may feel neglected)

 

On 4/27/2022 at 1:30 AM, Bean said:

Eventually X gave me a mental breakdown and I had panic attacks everyday for months. I "got rid" of X by telling myself it was all fake and never dared to think of him or give him attention again.

this adds a wrench to all of what i said but remember, he was born and shaped by trauma, he does not know how to express himself properly. teach him how. he is most likely lashing out because he is hurt and doesn't know how to ask for help or express it. humans do such strange things when hurt. 

all in all i think you may be able to make ammends for what you did. let me know how it goes and if you like, we can talk through discord or somewhere besides through here. i am happy to help

[Nobillis]

The British “Hearing Voices” website (part of the UK National Health Service) recommends treating [such estranged personalities] with respect [to calm them]. Listen to the points, as it’s likely something important to you that is being exaggerated so that you will take note. Recommendations of violence should instead be understood as warnings of perceived danger rather than instruction to act.

 

I have a servitor that is a copy of all the dark emotions called watchdog_3. His take on it was : “I reject the human assertion that I am evil. These emotions have a purpose otherwise why would they exist?

 

What is anger for, if not righteous anger at injustice?

 

what is hate for, if not to hate the strong tormenting the weak?

 

Rather, I say these emotions are important!”

 

[Mel Syreth]

Here's the thing: whether it's imaginary friends, tulpas, daemons or most other thoughtforms, they aren't really that different or complex. They are all projections of your unconscious into conscious senses. X can certainly be brought back but he will likely be different from the X you knew. You already know what his purpose was, and I reckon you have already forgave yourselves in conscious for the things that happened in the past. The question is whether you forgave yourselves deep in your unconscious. Get in touch with him, the best thing to do in these situations is a good sitting down and talking.

 

Best of luck to all of you.

Edited May 7 by Mel Syreth
Sometimes I wonder how I got C1 in English