Retrospection: One Decade Later

[lunaticEye]

Greetings.

 

I used to post here a lot, a lot time ago. Well, I figured I'd drop off one last series of progress reports. Maybe it'll provide some perspective.

 

Day ~4000:

 

Life goes on, and ultimately, we have to grow as people and get on with our lives. I went through some really bad, and really good times, too. I stopped actively interacting with my Tulpa, but it never quite went away. Always present, watching. Maybe it's my mind playing tricks on me. Maybe there's something. Either way, whenever I've been at my worst moments, I still see flickers of the time I used to escape into myself.

 

Unlike before, where the other self was encouraging escape... I hear a calm, cheerful voice. Telling me to push forward. That this is our journey, no matter who's in the hot seat. I think this is some Jungian lifehack speedrun of the shadow integration method, but... I think having this experience in my life gave me the strength to push forward and keep going on.

[lunaticEye]

Day 3865-Nowish: 

 

I ended up in a psych ward over combat related PTSD. Guess life leads you in strange places. Prescribed psychotherapy.

 

I was formally diagnosed with major depressive disorder (situational), PTSD, and ADHD, but nothing in terms of DID. Found that one quite strange. Had a while to think. It's been a long journey through life after leaving one name, but I found that unconsciously, I always found myself returning to where I first tried to create a Tulpa. Forgot the terms, but it was... whatever the comforting place where you could imagine was. If I really concentrate, I can hear another version of myself. I think it still exists, but has integrated back into myself with moments where I realize I'm zoning out and speaking with it. Like I'm reviewing my own life with somebody along with the ride.

 

I still think they're a seperate entity. Some sort of switch in the neural pathways? I'm due for an actual MRI, which I'll share the results of if fruitful.

 

Anyway.

 

Thanks, everyone. I'll see if I can remember anything else.

[lunaticEye]

I think I've come to realize that the self is a unit, and what matters inside doesn't really matter. It's a personal journey. I feel bad, because if it was a normal person, I'm sure they'd get tired of me reaching out for help every time I'm in a really bad spot. Which doesn't happen often these days.

 

If this is a really, really, really long winded way of deluding yourself into truly believing in yourself, it works. I think this stuff saved me, at a baseline. I have the courage to face the future, no matter what comes.

 

Even if I'm alone when the end comes, there's still some flicker of something else there. Maybe it'll outlive me. Maybe it'll die with me. But... If this isn't just a delusion, I'm glad I have somebody at my side. I think without that guiding, warm presence formed from a very different life spent in youth here, perhaps everything that followed would've destroyed me. But it didn't.

 

I'm truly glad I did this.