Empathic Authenticity

[Glaurung26]

How do? I have a hang-up that stymies some of my conversations. I have a hard time expressing empathy externally in a way that feels authentic to me and internally consistent. I know that there's only so much vocabulary that you can use but after a while expressing condolences or happiness for someone, I feel like I'm a walking, talking Hallmark card. Saying "I'm sorry for your loss" feels incredibly disingenuous to me or at least criminally pedantic. It almost literally describes the emotion or my intent but it just doesn't hit right to me. Maybe the wordy version of it is "I understand that something bad happened to you and that you are in a lot of pain. I want you to understand that I understand your grief and pain. It's valid for you to feel bad and for what happened to hurt. But I want to help you feel better and to let you know that it will get better and the pain will fade with time." It's really hard to squeeze all that sentiment into a handful of words and to express that to different people in different situations. When I say "I'm sorry for your loss," I'm not feeling myself communicate my intent. I'm feeling myself parrot a label or those sentiments that I'm feeling that I've been taught or I'm saying "what I'm supposed to say" in those situations. I feel like I've talked about this before but can't remember where. I felt like dedicating a topic to it since it's been on my mind. 

 

When I'm not feeling authentic, I just tend to not say anything. I don't want to come across as emotionally cold when I clam up like that. I just don't know how to express myself or don't feel comfortable or "right" doing so. And I don't want their takeaway to be that their opening up to me or inviting empathy is making me feel uncomfortable. Because I don't want to make their hurt become about my discomfort. I want the focus to be on them and comforting them, not me with my social phobias. Does anyone else have similar issues? Or insight on my hang-up?

[ChloeBee]

I used to have similar problems. It's hard to say exactly how, or even when, I got past them. I guess the best I can say is you have to ascend to a place where you are genuinely comfortable with being who you are and expressing yourself as that genuine person, and the only concessions you will need to make is knowing how much to dial it back. I don't hit most people with "Full Phil" because that would be overwhelming for them, I give them maybe just a few percent if I don't know them, maybe 10%-20% if I know them decently well, and more like 50%-80% if they're very close friends. Only Simmie gets 100%. But the point is, that small percentage is still always there, always being expressed.

 

Expressing empathy for someone's grief is very hard no matter who you are. It's not always easy to know how to express it, and like you hinted at you don't want to do an over-the-top display that would be seen as insincere, but you also don't want to underdo it and come off as cold. I really do think that most people understand how hard this is, and will be grateful for any support. In some situations just being silently near someone is enough. Maybe a nod of the head, a few simple words. Also, it very much depends on what the person on the receiving end subjectively needs. Some people want to be talked to when they're grieving, others want to be left alone. Sometimes the person will go through stages of each. Some words of comfort will help one person but annoy another. You can really only know this based on your relationship with the person, and it's always good to err on the conservative side. If it's someone you don't know well, a stock phrase delivered with honesty and compassion may be all that is needed. If it's someone who is close to you, you'll have to rely on your knowledge of that person and your relationship you have to that person to guide you.

 

I hope this is helpful to you, and I hope you get other thoughtful responses! Simmie sends her support too.

[Luminesce]

Hmm, I have that same feeling, and it's kind of funny. It literally comes from self-awareness of wanting to be more genuine and less-generic than people usually feel when saying the same "canned responses". I get stuck on what to say, because all the words to say what I feel feel generic and overused, and so I might default to saying nothing at all.

 

The answer, for the record, is to just actually be genuine. Imagine for example some very well-socially-adjusted woman meaningfully saying the same "canned responses" you're thinking of IRL. (Hopefully) Doesn't sound as disingenuous now, huh? So maybe another part of the problem to the feeling generic is saying things in text, which lack a dimension of uniqueness they might've had IRL too.

 

I think we think the same way on this, so my advice is to just go out of your way to be genuine whenever you get that nagging feeling that you should be. It's okay if your response sounds similar to a common one, if it's what you felt. The other person should more than likely take it roughly as intended. And sometimes you may just need to come up with a little more in-depth wording (though it can still be just a sentence or two) if a generic response really doesn't feel right, "That really sucks, I hope you get through it alright" or something, you know?

 

At worst, try to directly imagine how the person in question would take what you're saying I suppose, rather than looking at it from your own critical mind. But I think being genuine pretty much always comes across right even without going that far.

Edited July 5, 2023 by Luminesce

[Glaurung26]

@September13 @Luminesce thanks for the feedback. I guess I need to convince my self-critical response to my behavior that how it looks internally isn't important, it's how it's received by the person needing emotional support that I'm trying to help. When people express sympathy to me I know that they're trying their best and how hard it is to formulate words from emotions so maybe I need to cut myself the same break.