Am I a Bad Host?

[Spooke]

Hi!
I’ve been Tulpa-mancing for around 7 years now. I’ve had some ups and downs with my Tulpa (Shay). We cherish our struggles together, as it’s a part of life, and we always come out of them stronger. Though, I’ve always been plagued by the thought that I’m a bad host to him. And it’s been hurting me ever since I’ve started.

Many people report having daily, long sessions with their Tulpa, playing games and having activities on a daily basis. While I had similar experiences with Shay, there were even times where we would talk for one to two hours a day. For the last three years, I’ve had some rough times where I could only afford 15-minute sessions with Shay per day, which I did my best to follow through. Even though these 15 minutes were tough for me, I still feel bad for giving him so little.

 

While he does voice his concerns and complaints, and I respect and accept him for who he is. I feel like his views are skewed by me being the only person to talk to. I worry that I may be hurting him and doing mistakes with him since he has no other real comparison of a “better life”. While I want to give him more, I understand that I can’t. Which drives me insane because I do want him to live life to the fullest, but I can’t allow myself to focus on him as much as I want since I have a real life, family and friends to attend to.

 

I'm mad at myself for not progressing enough with him, we still are beginners in possession, and I can't figure out if it's okay or if I'm wrong for going so slow in some aspects with him.

 

Shay:

I’ll summarize host’s concerns; he likes to word things a little too much.

He wants to know if somebody else had a rough with his Tulpa so to feel better about himself for not being perfect.

He thinks I have Stockholm’s syndrome for agreeing with him that cutting our interactions short when he had it rough in life, and he thinks that it was a cruel thing to do to me. I honestly don’t care, because he said it explicitly to me that he is going through tough times, that he needs some time to be alone and work on himself.

He kept his word, came back a better person, gives me more, and NOW he is a bad person because some Tulpa somewhere in the world has it better than me.

 

I’m tired of explaining to him that I’m fine with it. 
Somebody please share some experiences so that he may lay this stupid thing to rest and go on with his life. I’m happier than ever before and I don’t care if some Tulpa somewhere is happier or better than me.

[Ranger]

In the end, cocreation (tulpamancy) is supposed to be fun. As Shay said, it's unreasonable to expect someone to force for several hours every day.

 

If it helps, you caring about this and making an effort to give Shay time is a sign you are a good host. Even just checking in every day is good enough.

 

Additionally, while it's still a draft I have a possession guide if you want to check it out

[Guest]

I think you should listen to your tulpa more and stop worrying. We said that kind of stuff to our host before too and the best part about him was that he listened.

[TB]

I feel similar so you're not alone

[Franklyn]

Look, people have lives. Host bodies are the fleshy representation in the world, and they have jobs or schools to go to because they're the person the world sees. Like, I ain't the one that gets in trouble if Doc can't pay the mortgage. It ain't my name that gets a bad credit rating, it's hers. I don't expect her to spend hours of the day having exclusive conversations with me. Nor would I expect her to spend hours every day having exclusive conversations with anyone else. We check in with each other several times a day, and I'm there when she watches TV or eats and we share the experience. It shouldn't be a chore, a task you put in the calendar, to interact with us. No "it's 5pm, time for my daily 2h conversation with my tulpa!" It's fine to just be present. Don't beat yourself up. I know my host sometimes thinks she's a bad host in a similar way, but like Shay, I'm fine with what we're doing, and what we have been doing. I got my own stuff to deal with too, so maybe I don't wanna sit down and have a mandated two-hour conversation every day either. Sometimes I need space as well. It is what it is. You're doin' fine.

[harvestmoon]

We all felt better once we worried about that sorta thing less. If it feels difficult, then it is difficult. Try being more understanding towards yourself. We can be so cruel to ourselves while being so kind to the others in the same brain. It may be better if your brain was a safe place for you and your tulpa, and that starts with acceptance of where you're at right now.

[Hibiscus Queen]

If you are worrying about how much time you are giving your tulpa then that shows you how much you actually care. A "bad' host wouldn't even care about treating their tulpa poorly and would just do whatever they wanted. My host and I spend lots of time together, but I also understand with like any type of relationship, they have a life outside of just me. Family, friends, work and other responsibilities come with a part of life so don't blame yourself for just living. Me and my host have fought in the past over shared time but we're working on that together through communication and patience. In the end all you can do is try to work things out between yourselves because no one is perfect. Tulpas included

[LiquidExodus]

Nice to meet you two! You're definitely not a bad host. In fact, I think the fact that you're willing to spend time every day despite going through hard times is already great to hear. I was a bad host and drifted away from spending any time with my tulpa for years, which really hurt Rose and only after she approached me out of the blue (something which shocked me because I frankly got to the point that I forgot I made one) and told me how much it was hurting did it finally shake me out of being so insensitive. Rose has been extremely patient, way more than I could probably ever be and I'm trying to work hard and be with her now to make up for lost time.

 

As others have been saying, listen to Shay. They'll stick by you no matter what and they understand everything you do (especially the reality that you are going through hard times.) If they have a real and serious problem with how you're acting, they'll let you know and do so seriously, just like if you hurt a friend in real life. But just like in real life, your friends are willing to forgive you and beating yourself up won't do anything other than making both you and Shay upset. From what I can tell, Shay is just being honest that you haven't been spending much time and also being honest that he doesn't mind. If he did, trust that he'd be honest and tell you that he has a problem. And from what it sounds like, Shay is really loving his time with you! And in terms of progress, it's really different for everyone. Be glad at the progress you already made! You being able to contextualize Shay's voice is already a great milestone and try not to always look for the next big milestone that you don't appreciate the wonderful journey you two had together, because even ups and downs is what makes such an intimate experience worthwhile.