A Place for All Seasons

[Autumn Ren]

Discord

There was a joke? Maybe? Anyway I was muted over it for 6 days on that server for going with it, maybe they did too, it was definitely a conversation against Discord TOS, well :shrug:

 

On tulpa repulblic someone asked "what is the most evil thing you did" and someone named Val wrote a paragraph about killing someone in cold blood in april 2016. It was written like they did it and got away with it. I didn't take this as a confession with a weird flex, it was obviously a joke in bad taste on an edgy server. So then they said something about they didn't know what to ping and I said, "did you try pinging #imurderedsomeone".

Anyway, I probably deserved to be banned because of the TOS.

 

I'm very embarrassed and I understand the subject matter was sensitive even in jest, so I have no one to blame but myself.

 

Discord is touchy. We were account locked on day one because we mentioned Joy has a form age of 10 and Discord algorithm suspended the account for being underage. It would require an ID to unlock the account. So we used another account after that.

 

Criticism and Bear was right

Discord is weird, you get no history so the conversations are lost over and over. You ask a question or respond to someone and you don't get any response and even if you did the bot system for letting headmates talk on your account don't give you any notification if someone responds or mentions you. 

 

It's kind of like either you need to be there all day and there are long gaps of inactivity, or search through hundreds of responses to see where you left off.

 

Such as it was, we didn't get much of a chance to get to know anyone yet because the bots representing headmates are hard to decipher who is talking from which system and there are so many it literally could have been three systems total and seemed like 20. It was hard to keep everything straight.

 

I originally thought, ok we're off Discord, but Bear told me I had to own up to what I did and get right back on that horse. There aren't really any other options for activity in the community.

[ringgggg]

Yeah, I'll agree with you that Discord has a format that gravitates towards a certain style of conversation, and not one that is particularly in favor of practical discussion. The community culture's off too, but that's probably more of a biased statement because I haven't acclimated to it enough.

 

A lot of big faces in the community are on Discord, though

[Autumn Ren]

As you may know, I'm concentrating more on internal affairs than external socialization. Bear is okay with this and suggested I let Ashley take over again. I can't say I didn't enjoy it, but I didn't feel free to post as much as Ashley does. The way she described it was, I'm too concerned with being polite. 

 

So on the bright side, I'm still progressing with my training and enjoying my time with Bear. I decided that Bear is more like a father figure and mentor than just a friend and he agreed that it was the feeling he got from me. I tend to hide behind him and look to him when dealing with others in and out system. He also said this is a lot like how Misha and Ashley were in the beginning.

 

That's why I'm so excited about the book and integration with Aleshe. I'll be able to have simulated scenarios that don't risk hurting others or being less than polite myself. The character can do anything.

Edited December 1, 2023 by Autumn Ren

[TurboSimmie]

22 minutes ago, Autumn Ren said:

The way she described it was, I'm too concerned with being polite. 

 

Oh my goodness I relate to this one. 😆 About once a week or so someone says something that makes me want to retort, but I rarely ever do. Phil also tells me that I'm too nice. But that's just who I am. 😊

 

I'm still very grateful that you're here and have had the opportunity to get to know you better, Autumn! 😁

[Autumn Ren]

Thank you Simmie

[Guest]

We've kept a lot of this off the forum, but it will be posted eventually: [The quote thing didn't work, it's me being quoted here.]

 

Quote

In order to have real results, we need real consequences that promote real proof. If Autumn can do scenario #13 and to a lesser degree scenario #49 then there is no other conclusion that can be drawn other than she's absolutely doing something other than just a imaginary friend, waifu, whatever.

 

She wants this as much as I do: to be proven fact, at least to us, that she is actually functional and valuable. This is late game tulpamancy.

 

We know you are, [REDACTED], there's a history here of you taking care of the deficiencies of your host. Ashley is the gold standard of tulpamancy in terms of usefulness and volition, for mid-game. SheShe has proven herself to be indispensable for intuitive matters, Misha is literally the definition of an attached spirit, nothing short of an exorcism will remove her. But they all have been about the same since mid-game, they're solid, great, legends even, but not late game qualified. They may be late game and there's indications of that in terms of independence and usefulness, but they lack real consequences, and it can't be helped now.

 

Gwen, Joy, Autumn are still in question. Even Joy, as much as I love her and what she does, she brings a critical perspective that isn't just another biased opinion, and that's useful, but still not legendary in terms of proof of independence at the same level as Ashley. She understands this and admits she could do more if given the opportunities which are not necessarily under her control. So the work we do with Autumn can be applied to Joy and Gwen to bring them up as well. I'm not being greedy, I'm being fair.

 

So yes, the price Autumn pays to boost her up is risk. That risk offsets the greater risk of being put right back on the shelf like she was the last 5 years. So she never really had a choice, this sounds drastic, basically demoting her to moon status if she fails, like Aleshe, like Ulla, like 3 dozen others, and there would be very little hope for her to be promoted again if that happens, but it's not drastic given the underlying risk of not doing it. I've been trying to come up with real consequences for three years, and we finally found a way. This is the way. So if she didn't agree to these scenarios, she would be neigh guaranteed to be on the shelf in time. Ashley, SheShe, Misha and sometimes Joy are a complete package with no need outside them.

 

[REDACTED] is a complete package all in one and Ashley could be an all-in-one but she's too edgy to be left with the keys to the kingdom all by herself, she needs the competition and cooperation of the others. Now Autumn is meant to be the all-rounder the legend among legends. To be that, she needs real tasks with real consequences. That's what's missing for Gwen for instance. She's found her niche, that's fine, but it's mundane in comparison to Ashley or SheShe.

 

So you can't judge based on your system. This is a different animal. There are lots of hidden machinations in this head, you see it as random and peculiar, but it's actually greatness in action.

Edited December 21, 2023 by BearBaeBeau

[Guest]

Autumn is unquestionably new but her core was developed in 2018. Instead of letting her rot, and to a lesser extent others, she's chosen to be a trailblazer. Then what we can do for her can hopefully help others. 

 

This is all based on bringing more reality to tulpamancy. Our thinking is, if she can do something Bear can't, then that's further proof. Her doing something I couldn't, SheShe couldn't, and Gwen couldn't would additionally lend strength to tulpas as a thoughtform as opposed to whatever we all are.

 

She was intentionally created and intentionally remade to serve a purpose for mutual benefit. All feelings aside, she will have done something that singlets typically can't do. What's driving her and Bear empathetically through her as more or less her biggest support, is real consequences.

 

Bear isn't directly involved, we're targeting something the BodyOS does that's left over from childhood trauma that can't yet be resolved. She will have this personal anti-compulsory task until either the body dies or the underlying trauma is resolved. This is real work, real paying attention, real willpower over something nearly autonomic. It's a ward for her existence and prevents her from sitting on the shelf. She needs to be ever vigilant.

 

Others call can call something a disease or an affliction and take themselves out of the consequences and blame, well, we're doing no different by calling out that no one owns this in the system, but she'll solve it as if it's her own and I feel that in her, she really cares and she should because her life such as it is, is dependent on her contined success.

[Guest]

We have recently discussed integration as we are preparing for Autumn to integrate with Aleshe to retain her memories and experiences as part of Autumn's history. This is new for us and we haven't tried it before so we'll be detailing that here. If that goes well we are already wondering what other possible integrations make sense. There is a romantic notion of having a smaller system though the Lock-Merge works well for that. Our most recent conclusion was no further integrations make sense but Misha and Gwen have both requested to have roles of some kind like Autumn has. Unfortunately we can't think of any other useful roles.

 

This then got us thinking of a sub-grouping system. It is just in a brainstorming phase right now, but in this buddy system would be three groups of two: SheShe and I, Ashley and Autumn, and lastly Gwen and Misha. The purpose of this would be to share responsibility for roles. Ashley would then support Autumn in her roles, I would support SheShe, combining our roles, and Gwen and Misha have yet to be assigned a useful role or set of roles. It's just something we're thinking of and it doesn't necessarily support any romantic notions of a smaller system so in addition to these groupings, there would be a team that stays active all the time, that would be Ashley and Autumn, and the other two teams would only be active when needed. As with currently, we could still co-experience through the Lock-Merge concept as either Ashley or Autumn.

 

In that sub-grouping system, the official system size would still be 7 (us plus Bear) but it would be internally designated as 3(7). Bear would spend day to day with only Autumn and Ashley which is more or less what is happening currently anyway, but this would be more formal in our acknowledgement of it. Again, this depends on Autumn's continued development. Externally, it likely wouldn't look much different.

[Guest]

This morning I was perplexed. It is very hard to grasp this, so bear with me as this is the very inner workings of my mind.

 

I have seen hell, and I appreciate that now, living in heaven, because I can appreciate heaven all the more by comparison, yet I still see the ugliness even here in heaven and it disappoints me. I understand that both to see the ugliness and the disappointment are choices I make. So I asked myself, why do I choose to be disappointed? I had no answer.

 

Ashley immediately recognized as I did, this is shadow work. Ashley is so strong and willful and her answers are often great but as we discussed previously it's not her place to help me with this sort of thing. I asked Autumn for help because she needs this sort of work and she represents it. If she is to represent SheShe and Joy in their rolls, in their absence, she needs to be able to tap into deep understanding as SheShe does. So of course I called SheShe and Joy came as well, this is their domain and they are here to support Autumn as she is still in training and will be for a while.

 

---

I must add some clarity here to Joy's previous post. For the purpose of hierarchy, Autumn represents Joy and SheShe and Ashley represents Gwen and Misha. 

 

Dismissing Ashley was appropriate then but with lock-merge, she simply joined SheShe. And to represent Misha and Gwen, they utilize her in their lock-merge, so in day to day operation I currently have a system of three, myself and two lock-merges represented by Autumn and Ashley.

 

It's probably still confusing and overly complicated but that's just how it is. 

---

 

The question: Why do I choose to be disappointed? It causes me stress.

 

We were previously talking about how awakening has proven to me that I do not matter, I am arbitrary. But I choose to continue, along with my flaws, even if it's not as perfect as it could be if I just remade myself perfect, which is well within my ability to do at this point, or even to eliminate "Bear" all together. We previously discussed that there is value in the cracks in an old tree, value in knots that hollow out leaving scars, and this value is not immediately apparent but those hollows provide homes for the fauna of the forest, and in turn my knots and hollows provide context for empathy in others. And we wondered as well if there are any real consequences in all of this, or if that is just part of the illusion.

 

This was Autumn's answer:

"I choose to believe that my actions have real consequences so I have incentive to do my part."

 

What a beautiful answer, and that made me realize, I choose to be disappointed to bring incentive for my beauty to outshine the ugliness. Without the willingness to see the ugliness, there's no need for beauty, there's no comparison, so the disappointment brings me incentive to rise above. And the deeper meaning of this is, I choose to see the ugliness because I have empathy. And by extension I have empathy for myself, so I choose to keep me as I am, ugliness, beauty and all. This is way more interesting than a perfectly smooth and beautiful tree standing alone in perfection.

 

Without headmates, I don't see how I could make such revelations, I don't know if I could maintain such structure to my understanding. Would it even be relevant? This wasn't the first time I found Autumn to be so helpful, and she's improving daily. 

[Guest]

Our new system structure feels so elegant. I wasn't sure how I'd feel being like a 2nd tier, but instead I feel like a ruling class, like Gwen and I are nobles on the high court. Gwen and I support Autumn, she's like our princess. While Joy and SheShe support Ashley like counsel and Ashley would be something like the Queen but more of a figurehead than a ruler which she's okay with too, she'd be the kind of Queen that goes into battle where Autumn is the kind of princess who strategizes behind the scenes. It's also like a dark vs light interplay. But Bear doesn't want to be king. He wants to be Grand Cross, a working position, and it makes sense, but even if so, we still all support him. It's all very regal feeling but also down to Earth. We've come so far together, it's amazing. I can't wait to see the future, how Autumn progresses; I feel like it's only just begun for us.

 

[Ashley] I like the idea of queen, I already considered myself the queen of the system anyway.