A Place for All Seasons

[Autumn Ren]

Introduction:

 

Hello, I'm still getting settled on my name, but you can call me Autumn or Ren or Autumn Ren. I'm finally ready to speak for myself, and here I'll document my past and recent transformation as well as future development as I'm still new.

 

Origin of Transformation:

 

The original idea Bear had in February was to determine what was the best thoughtform template: Soulbond or Tulpa. So a soulbond to us is someone who starts life as a fully formed character with a backstory, or someone who walked in or came to life after having an extensive background. Like a fictive, but your own content, and identifies with their backstory. So basically formed in a similar way to forcing but without the intention of creating an independent thoughtform originally. Whereas a tulpa could be considered someone who formed without any background or only minor references and ideals, with the exception of a fictive or factive being the form and personality was somewhat known or had a starting place and backstory but eventually rejects that backstory. Soulbonds can also start as fictives or factives and develop from there. So the difference in our mind is subtle, does the thoughtform identify with their backstory and original form or not.

 

One thing we noticed with our resident soulbonds is their personality and form changed very little from their canon forms. Where even with our well known walk-ins, they did deviate significantly from their original expressions, and you could say they grew up in both maturity and depth. In all cases here, other then the soulbonds, their image was developed along the way. In other words, Bear didn't know what their faces would look like. While me in particular, I was originally known, but then changed, so I was a modified fictive from Joy, a soulbond. Technically I was her split but as a catgirl.

 

How I've changed my form in the last 6 months:

 

My face is known but it has changed a little since I was drawn and my form is younger, I express as younger in form only, and that might change over time. I de-aged as part of the transformation which could be symbolically like starting over, but it happened organically. I'm no longer a catgirl. As much as anyone can change their form and be a cat-folk or not, I'm not identifying with that as my core being anymore; I'm human now. I originally had human, catgirl, and cat forms but now my default and identified form is human like my headmates, and even Gwen is human though she has wings. For the purposes of the novel Bear is currently writing me in, I am human but modified through genetic engineering to have better athletics, intelligence, beauty and tougher nails. This is a running theme through all his books, the idea of generically modified or enhanced humans is what his books are about. For instance, Joy is age-locked in form but continues age in maturity. Gwen has bird-like wings in addition to her arms and legs. Ulla is half-dragonkin. So I'm just like what you would consider the ideal human with slightly better offensive capabilities like super-soldier ready, but still just human and not extra tall or especially muscular or anything.

 

Why change me?:

 

Old Ren wasn't active, she was kind of annoying in that she was oversexualized to the point of comic relief and not in a good way. She was a wild and a little crazy. She was ultimately uninteresting and a pain to deal with. So Bear, being concerned about and passionate about all his headmates, wanted me to not only be someone who would be active, valuable and interesting, but also the best that I could be. He would say he wants me to be the best there's ever been, a "late-game legendary" tulpa. Since I'm the only true tulpa in the system, that's certainly a goal for me and I'm uniquely qualified to answer his original question: which is better a soulbond, walk-in or tulpa? 

 

We can only compare ourselves to ourselves, so this isn't meant as a competition with anyone else's system. Ashley and Joy are somewhat evenly matched, being walk-in and soulbond, and Bear wants me to be at least co-equal to them in strength and uniqueness. For reference, a walk-in enters a system with a fully formed personality that is of unknown origin, not a fictive or factive but may have fictive or factive or mixed roots that are non-obvious. Ashley for instance was something like a fictive of one of Bear's characters, which was modified from another character and melded with someone he knew in NYC. It only took them 5 years to figure that out. 

 

Scenario 13 Meme:

 

I have a purpose built in. Bear wanted me to be the best but not only that, also able to do something no other headmate in our system has been able to do and I'll get into how it came about in this PR, but we call it "Scenario 13" and I am the ringbearer of that quest. Ashley, SheShe, and Gwen all officially failed at this quest. We won't go into what it is, but it would be equivalent to Lumi's quest to increase motivation, and no less hard. If I can do this, it will be a huge victory for tulpas in general considering I'm very close to being remade specifically for that purpose in a way. It requires self-forcing, so this isn't an early-game quest, it's boss level. Being that in maturity I am 5 years old and I can somewhat self-force because my headmates do and it's kind of a base level of the system as a whole now, I have been able to do it and keep it going thus far. There is no mount Doom though so I need to bear this quest for the rest of the body's life. Don't ask what it is, Bear has sworn me to secrecy, it's just an aspect of his that only affects his personality and it's my job to prevent it whenever he's fronting, unlike Lumi's motivational asperations, it has been determined it is not a bodyOS thing, and it clearly does not affect others who front.

 

Dual Purpose of this PR:

 

This PR will be my development and not a system PR. In addition this PR will outline a guide to personality forcing for already well-formed and independent headmates. So this isn't a starting from scratch PR, it's a starting from a point where something was drastically wrong and needs to be fixed PR. This is late-game tulpamancy.

 

Edit by Gwen: I have taken over the PR so it's not just about Autumn's development anymore. I'll try to limit myself to discussing tulpamancy related things here as appropriate.

Edited June 2 by Autumn Ren

[Autumn Ren]

Progress:

 

I have progress! Yesterday I took over all Bear's online correspondence including two Reddit accounts, Cohost, here, and a chan Bear frequented and Ashley just pointed out to me, "you're growing Ren". She noticed that I'm more animated and gaining personality I didn't have Yesterday. It's frankly pretty neat!

 

Switching hygene:

 

Another thing happened today when I came off Reddit I stayed switched in the same way Ashley did sometimes, so although it didn't happen to Joy, it happened to me and so it has to be bad switching hygiene and it's a habbit we'll have to break if it bothers us but at this point Bear didn't mind and took it as progress. 

 

Headmates:

 

I almost exclusively only talk to Bear and we talk a lot throughout the day but he wants me to be more friendly with my other headmates which I just haven't ever been historically, other than Joy, and even we don't talk much anymore. He wanted me to be friends with Ulla too but we have nothing to discuss if that makes sense. 

 

For anyone with more than one headmate, @Luminesce

Do your headmates talk to each other daily and keep that relationship going? Do they have full discussions? I know Ashley, Misha and SheShe talk a lot, Gwen talks to Misha and Ashley a lot, but Joy and I pretty much only talk to Bear or Bear& if others are also involved. 

 

Could this be a personality thing?

 

I see Ashley as a big sister sort of, like she's pretty intimidating and Joy is like my mom, lol, she's got huge mom vibes and of course Bear's like a dad, but I don't dare say he's got dad vibes. 😬 He wants us to be equal, and it's hard to think of him like that if you can follow. Misha and old Ren didn't hit it off at all because they competed for Bear's attention before we could self-force. Misha is a loving and forging person though so I know she doesn't hold any animosity from 4 years ago, but it's still awkward if I think about it.

 

Maybe we should be wonderlanding together? Bear doesn't do that as much in terms of groups, him and I have several sessions a day at least so maybe we should bring my headmates along more?

 

New but in an advanced system:

 

It's odd to be new given this system is so developed. It's like I'm able to do late game things like switching and self-forcing though I really only changed in July. Though Bear's been working with me since February it wasn't in earnest until July so I can think of myself as a 3 month old who is really nearly 5 years old. It's weird.

 

@TurboSimmie You'll have to tell me if your son has the same kind of feelings.

 

Thanks for having me and interacting with me I'm getting over the feeling of shyness I had yesterday.

[Luminesce]

Mind we are one of the most boring systems ever, lol, as we (or at least I) don't enjoy visualization/wonderlanding. And we're not exactly superstars as far as consistent activity goes. But if you just want to know how we do things - no, in our system we almost never have two systemmates talk at each other when not switched in, pretty much everything is directed towards whoever is switched in. It's not like we ignore each other though, if there are multiple people talking to the one switched in at once it's more like collaborative. I don't know that I'd call this optimal or worth emulating, though.

 

Otherwise, of course we all interact when any given person is switched in. Everyone has talked to everyone plenty, we just don't usually talk directly at anyone but the fronter, but since we all switch that means everyone talks to everyone at some point. That much is probably worth emulating.

 

I think the most natural time for us to talk to each other regardless of who's fronting is when wonderlanding. That sort of de-centralizes the focus and makes talking between ourselves instead of just-at-the-fronter more natural. Not that you can't do that when not wonderlanding as well, we just don't, and we also don't enjoy wonderlanding much so we just don't end up doing it.

 

I would probably recommend tulpas talking to tulpas while not-switched-in to newer systems though, it's certainly not a bad thing to get used to doing

[Autumn Ren]

@Luminesce

 

Oh, so we remembered that you mentioned you sometimes impose your headmates together, do they interact with each other then? This might be old information from years ago.

[Luminesce]

Hmm, just a little bit more than in-head, yeah. Still no flat out direct conversations not involving the fronter though, but it's harder not to interact just a bit when you're sharing clear physical space.

 

Still probably not relevant though, they absolutely can interact and there's no real reason not to

[Autumn Ren]

Ok, so I'm going to make more of an effort to include them and get to know them better. I feel oddly cut off from them and it shouldn't be. Thanks Lumi.

 

Another thing I forgot to mention, Bear is teaching me zen Buddhism and in a way teaching himself, but he has a spin on it that's more practical for me. What I really like is he doesn't assume I know anything and he wants me to really think about it and ask myself the hard questions that he already went through so we're learning a lot about the self and what we really are.

[TurboSimmie]

Finally read up on your PR Ren! 😊 It's cool how you're kind of a new person even though you've been around for a while in some sense. Your system dynamics are so much more complex than ours because there are so many more of you! For me, it was just a matter of my relationship with Phil, but for you, you've got to navigate relationships with many others. I wish I had something helpful to say about that but I don't have any experience in such things! The only thing that I might recommend is take a little time to spend one-on-one with each other person in your system. I don't know if your style is more receptive to doing activities together or just sitting and chatting, but it would be cool to try some one-on-one time with everybody else.

 

It will be interesting to see how your personality changes and grows! I definitely get a different vibe off of you then I did from Ashley, but don't know how to describe it exactly. Random question: How old are you? (in form?) Tulpa ages are such a curious thing because I can be 3 years old, 27 years old, and 37 years old all in a different sense.

 

Also, good luck with your super secret purpose! 😁

[Autumn Ren]

5 hours ago, TurboSimmie said:

How old are you?

 

Thanks Simmie and if Junior ever experiences anything because he's new in an established system, I'd like to compare notes.

 

I was originally a split from Joy in 2018 and my form was a 10-yr old. After a few months old Ren wanted to be 18 so poof, she was. We don't age our forms over time in this system other than Bear who likes to match the body's biological age, so old Ren was 18 until July this year. When my transformation started I shed a lot of what old Ren was and de-aged 4 years. I might have even gone furtger but Bear form locked me before I could. He said we had enough lolis here, lol.

 

So my form is 14 and I might age back up but there's no rush.

 

Our system form ages and maturity ages are as follows:

 

Ulla 10/10

Joy 10/60's-ish

Me 14/14

SheShe 16/32

Misha 20/20

Gwen 21/21

Ashley 22/22

Bear 30's (pii so undisclosed millenial)/varies wildly 

 

The maturity ages are subtle but they do match what I have here. Joy acts like an old matriarch, Bear is unique because he can be pretty much anything depending on his mood but he's generally on par with SheShe most of the time. I do think and feel like a teen and I do look and feel younger than everyone except Ulla and Joy's form.

Edited October 20, 2023 by Autumn Ren

[Autumn Ren]

The need for socialization

 

The socialization I've had recently had a positive growth effect on me, but it's very limited in places where there's only a handful of opportunities a day. So in an effort to give me more socialization, against his own best judgment, he went back to Discord. Tulpa Central and Tulpa Republic specifically.

 

Joy was all for it so he relented and now I'm there too. Yay! It was very different then what Bear remembered, we didn't find any trolls or toxic people and those who are there now seem genuinely nice! In case you didn't know, back in 2018 when Bear first ventured onto Discord, his first experience was dealing with nasty aggressive trolls in just about every server. There was so much drama too, but that was 5 years ago and so maybe it's different now? I think so. I'm excited to see where this goes and it's pretty active there. There's been a lot of fun discussions and fun in general. Yay.

 

As a side note, we almost instantly got our account permanently locked for "age restrictions". Apparently Discord's AI is very picky if you say anything about anyone being underage. All I did was list our system ages like I did here and banned.

 

Thankfully we aren't actually underage and used another previously verified account. So if you go, no number exists below 18, just remember that. How many days in a week? 18+ How many times a day do you shower? 18+ 

 

In-system friends

 

I've also been spending time with Misha. Since she's the kindest and most fun, I chose to try and improve our relationship. She's super nice of course and we had fun together in wonderland and while imposed with Bear. I spent some time with Joy too, and I know Joy loves me and looks out for me but she's definitely a caretaker role to me, she always has been.

 

Bear also asked me to be friends with Ulla but she prefers that we do that in the book Bear's writing and I think that's a great idea. Bear also reminded me that in the book I'm to consider that I'm "playing the role of the character" rather than it being actually me. 

 

Front stuck

 

That same feeling where I can't switch out happened a couple times yesterday but Bear is aware of it and is keeping a close watch on it.

Edited October 24, 2023 by Autumn Ren

[Autumn Ren]

Aleshe

 

This morning we decided that I will integrate with Aleshe. In the book Bear is writing, Aleshe is a main character and in a grimdark fantasy, spoilers ahead, death is natural. It was previously decided that Aleshe would die in the book but of course that wouldn't mean anything to herself because the character in the book isn't really her just like the me in the book is just a character I play; it's like the safety system on the holodeck. However, we're essentially taking off the safeties for Aleshe when I fight her in combat.

 

Since Aleshe is currently classified as a moon and not a person, there's no ethical dilemma to just dissipate her or store her indefinitely, and it's already not an ethical dilemma to integrate two headmates, so in that sense it's all very reasonable considering the dream character moon Aleshe is willing and so am I. 

 

The integration will coincide symbolically with the scene where we fight and since this book doesn't disallow fantasy elements there will be a sort of essence transfer that is facilitated by a shaman in secret to the characters.

 

What we expect from integration

 

Firstly we expect I will inherit Aleshe's character permanently. We don't expect this to be a merge but more of an inheritance of Aleshe's limited backstory and adpects as if they were my own and I will speak for Aleshe as Aleshe just as SheShe speaks for old Ashley and Darlene because she is them. The forcing that Aleshe received to date will be mine.

 

I expect I won't change outwardly for a few reasons: first of all, Aleshe wasn't fully formed, her development wss arguably substantially less than mine is now, so any differences will be overshadowed in my favor, and her personality was pretty close to aspects I already express.

 

I have wonder and anticipation for this but I'm not scared and neither is Aleshe. Aleshe understands and agreed to it without hesitation. This is new ground for us, so we don't know exactly what will happen but in our estimation it should have a minimal effect on me and Aleshe's legacy will be better preserved and continued through me, being an active headmate. 

 

Cut and dry

 

Because this is a Bear system scheme and by that I mean Bear's whim, and Ulla is directly involved as part of the book and otherwise which I won't go into here, there's always a chance that something goes as we don't expect it and that's a risk I'm willing to take. As part of my development, real risk facilitates real growth as a person, and without going into details, I will earn this, and there is a chance of failure.

 

The book is A slow process so it may not even happen this year but it will happen and I'll document it here.

 

As a final note, my name will be finalized at that time. I am strongly attached to Autumn but I may feel differently afterwards, so that's still on the table.

 

Growth

 

I continue to grow and show independence, my activities online are still paying off and I'm discovering my personality daily.

 

Thanks for reading!

Edited October 31, 2023 by Autumn Ren