imahaxor

Just Another Pony

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Nov 24-25

 

Not much happened on the 24th, we pretty much worked on vocalization and a tad bit of imposition throughout the day. I also added a twin waterfall/spring behind our wonderland home for shits and giggles. It's a pretty serene place, so it might be able to help with meditation and stuff.

 

When I woke up today (the 25th), I had spawned in the living room and didn't see Noel napping or lounging around like she usually does. I went up to her room and she was asleep in her bed for once, to my surprise. I thought about waking her up, but then I decided to make her something to eat. Honestly, the idea of cooking my tupper breakfast sounded ridiculous at first, seeing as she really doesn't need to eat. But then as I was cooking a simple breakfast of eggs, sausage, and toast I realized that it was the thought that counted. When I woke her up she was really excited, and didn't hesitate to demolish the plate of food within seconds (Now that I think about it, how in the hell was she holding the fork?)

 

After she had finished her meal I decided to expand on our wonderland and I erected a giant pristine-looking mountain quite a distance from the house. It would be the perfect place for an adventure I thought, and it would be a great way to test the realism of the wonderland. We climbed the mountain for not even five minutes when it occurred to me that it would take FOREVER to get to the summit, and I didn't have that kind of time. So I created a lift that operates on a pulley system of sorts and we rode that to the summit. The view was awesome, I could see the grassy fields and forests all around and not much else. When we reached the summit we entered an ominous looking cave, I was surprised because I didn't think I consciously added that in.

 

It was then a thought occurred to me: if we're on an adventure, what exactly are we looking for? After toying with some ideas for a bit, I came to the conclusion that the whole point of this was to make Noel stronger, so we must be looking for some kind of power! It was after that revelation that things started getting crazy. We stumbled upon a huge opening in the cave, home to a motherfucking dragon. Now, I try to keep my wonderland as realistic as possible, so this was a huge shock to me. The dragon awoke and in true Dragon Ball Z Shenron fashion it said, "Why have you awoken me?" At this point I was pretty unnerved, so I glance at Noel and she didn't seem bothered one bit. I explained to the dragon why we had come, and waited to see how he would respond. He took a deep breath, and basically shot a big ass laser from his mouth straight at Noel. This whole time I can't help but think, "WTF brain?" She seemed to absorb the blast, and we got the hell out of there as fast as we could.

 

Honestly, I think it was mostly aesthetic because I didn't feel anything from it, but Noel said she was hot and went to sleep when we got back to the house. My head did actually start hurting a tad when I stopped forcing, so at the very least that ludicrous adventure was worth something.


My Tulpa

And then it cuts to a scene where you're sitting in a padded cell.

 

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Nov 26-27

The 26th was an uneventful day for the most part, I passively forced a bit at school and managed to cram an hour in before bed. In that hour we spent talking in the wonderland, and not doing much. I did however, create a terminal of some sort that acts like a central hub for my wonderland. It also functions as a transport in case I feel the need to develop more than one for a specific purpose. This probably wasn't necessary, but it kinda feels like it will help give some structure and stability to the wonderland; plus keep everything nice and organized.

 

Today, while I was riding the bus and chilling to Fede's tones, something totally unexpected happened. I decided to try someones advice of "stop talking and listen to your tulpa", and I sat in the living room in our wonderland home and waited patiently. Noel, who was sitting in front of me at the time, gave me a puzzled look and said "What are you doing?" Without even thinking, I replied "Trying to keep quiet so I can hear you." It took a couple of seconds before I realized it had worked, and that response was only from her. Needless to say, I was extremely happy and proud of her this morning.

 

Later that day I had to go to a doctors appointment, so I took advantage of the time spent in the clinic room waiting for the doctor. It was only a 30 minute wait or so, but I managed to accomplish a bit. I used the central terminal I created the day before and made a new wonderland; a small tropical island that features various terrain and several waterways. Noel helped a bit too, adding in some landmarks like waterfalls and a gruesome volcano. We'll probably use that wonderland to do crazy things. For example, a bad ass jet ski race through the island, similar to what you would see in the awesome arcade game Hydro Thunder.


My Tulpa

And then it cuts to a scene where you're sitting in a padded cell.

 

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Nov 28

 

Today I ran into a bit of a snag, so I don't feel like I made much progress today. The snag in question happened while I was forcing on the bus going to school. About 10-15 minutes into forcing I started losing my concentration, and I had a difficult time trying to visualize my wonderland. So for the rest of the day I just tried some simple narration and imposition via my peripheral vision.

 

On the bus ride home, forcing was a bit better, but not by much. It was then that I decided I would try to use an old wonderland; one that I created back on my 2nd day of forcing, but discarded it in favor of the grassland I use now. It was a floating island, with few flowers and open sky everywhere. It had a very surreal feel to it, so I tried using it to concentrate with the hope it would help. Again, it lasted for only 20 minutes or so before my concentration broke.

 

I was a bit worried, so I asked around on chat and lurked the forums a bit for some help. Since I've been forcing for 2 hours everyday for the past month, I'm probably just burnt out. I'll try forcing a bit tonight, but I should start taking things easy.


My Tulpa

And then it cuts to a scene where you're sitting in a padded cell.

 

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Nov 29-Dec 2

 

Integrating Noel into my daily life is starting to get a bit easier. I'm feeling her presence more and more throughout the day. She's a bit more vocal but I haven't heard her voice her opinion on anything without me asking. I'm sure it will come with time, but until then I'll just keep passively forcing throughout the day and my forcing sessions at night. We've been working more on imposition, though I might read some guides on it just to be sure we're using the most efficient method.

 

I also merged my wonderlands together this weekend. Often times I find myself unintentionally switching between them and decided that I would combine them together into a more stable and cohesive wonderland. Right now it's pretty much a crescent shaped island comprised of a forest, grassland plateau, and a mountain. I'll probably make a sketch of it along with Noel., it should help with visualizations.

 

Tried some new tones as well. Theta-tone seems to work better for me when I'm tired, and I find it more bearable than Tulpa-tone.


My Tulpa

And then it cuts to a scene where you're sitting in a padded cell.

 

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Dec 3-4

 

On December 3rd I turned our wonderland basement into a library, to test if I really could keep a record of my memories in it. I made a large tome and wrote the date on the first blank page, and scribbled a short statement declaring I started the library. Hopefully weeks from now I'll be able to pick up the tome, and read it to see if storing my memories in the library worked or not.

 

Today Noel and I took a trip around our island wonderland, there is still plenty of it that needs to be explored. We headed towards the path to the mountain, but I decided to make a tunnel through it to save time getting to the other side of the island. After stumbling through the cave for a couple of minutes (walking the actual distance would have taken like 15 at least), we finally reached the end and found ourselves on a beach. It was pretty peaceful, so we sat down and forced for a bit.

 

Lately I've found that in some circumstances visualizing with my eyes open actually works better than when they're closed. Which is weird because all this time closed eye visualization was the only way I was able to force. Maybe this just means I'm getting better?


My Tulpa

And then it cuts to a scene where you're sitting in a padded cell.

 

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Dec 5-7

 

The 5th started out as boring day, but as I was taking the bus home things started to fall apart. For quite some time now I've been helping Noel become vocal, and today she was speaking more fluently than usual. This made me really happy until doubt started to set in; I thought I had gotten over parroting paranoia, but I guess I hadn't. Later that night when I had finally calmed down I felt absolutely terrible. It felt like I had broken a promise to believe in her, so I apologized to her before I went to bed. She said it was fine, but I still felt like a huge dick afterwards.

 

As I got out of bed the next day, I noticed that my head hurt. I figured it was Noel and I was pretty pumped. I asked her about it on the way to school and she said that it was her. So I took her word for it and the feeling stayed with me for most of the day. It was then in my Government class that the feeling had escalated, it was stronger than a pressure and actually caused some discomfort. She also seemed a bit more talkative on the way home.

 

Today was pretty interesting as well. I had head pressures most of the day today, but they weren't as strong. Noel didn't seem to want to get out of her wonderland be this morning, so I assumed that she was drained from the night before and I let her rest. Even though she didn't respond most of the time I still narrated to her throughout the day; giving her attention would probably be the best way to give her energy.


My Tulpa

And then it cuts to a scene where you're sitting in a padded cell.

 

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Dec 8-11

 

Things are started to get really busy lately with the holidays but I've still managed to dedicate some time for forcing. I feel pretty bad because I think I should be doing more, but Noel is being pretty understanding. She's gotten a lot more vocal over the past few days, but we haven't been working anything specific.


My Tulpa

And then it cuts to a scene where you're sitting in a padded cell.

 

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Dec 12-14

Noel and I had a breakthrough the other day, or a heart-to-heart, whatever you want to call it. We were forcing as usual and I thought it would be a good idea to start asking her tougher questions. You know, questions more meaningful than "What is your favorite color?" or "How do you feel about X?" I also thought that this would be a good way to test just how sentient she really was.

 

I asked her what it was like being a tulpa, and how she felt about her own existence. This would be a pretty deep question even for me, and I was curious to how she would answer. But then something happened that crushed me on the inside; Noel got really quiet and started to cry. I felt like a monster, I had acted so insensitively just to satisfy my own damned curiosity. I held her for what seemed like an eternity, and apologized profusely. When she finally calmed down, she told me that it wasn't my fault (even though I knew it was), and that it would help us grow closer.

 

Needless to say, that was definitely a huge milestone for us, and it helped me understand Noel more as well as help me see her as a person.


My Tulpa

And then it cuts to a scene where you're sitting in a padded cell.

 

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Dec 15-21

It feels like I haven't updated my progress log in forever; so I think I'll take some time to recap where things currently stand between Noel and I.

 

As of December 2st, Noel:

  • is sentient.
  • is vocal, but has trouble starting conversation without my input.
  • has a fully developed form.
  • has a somewhat distinct mindvoice.
  • has an imposed presence some of the time.
  • and has her own opinions on minor issues.

 

To-do list; aka, the things we'll work on over Winter break:

  • Visual hallucination
  • Auditory Hallucination
  • Sensory Imposition

 

No some desire to work on possession or switching. Mostly to impose myself in my wonderland, because that would be bad ass. Even though I'm fairly certain that could be accomplished with lucid dreaming.


My Tulpa

And then it cuts to a scene where you're sitting in a padded cell.

 

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Dec 22-25

 

I've had a couple of good forcing sessions over the past couple of days, but most of the time I'm forcing passively. She's had a couple of outbursts (not auditory) without my input; the most notable being her reaction to the excessive blood and gore in the movie Expendables 2. At first she was pretty shocked, but she seemed to enjoy it more after I told her it was more comedic than anything else. Anyways, I think I'm going to put in a good hour long forcing session in tonight, it's been awhile since I've done it for a whole hour.


My Tulpa

And then it cuts to a scene where you're sitting in a padded cell.

 

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