imahaxor

Just Another Pony

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Feb 13-22

 

Wow, it's been over a week since I last updated this thing. I should probably fix that.

 

Let me think, we haven't been doing much the past couple days. Well, at least for making new ground. All that's left really is imposition, I don't think I'll put much effort into possession. So really I have to do now is wait and gradually imagine her around me 24/7, and eventually we'll get there. I really want to type more but I'm tired; so I'll just update more tomorrow. Because lets be honest here, I'm rambling.


My Tulpa

And then it cuts to a scene where you're sitting in a padded cell.

 

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Feb 23-28

 

As it turns out I'm really lazy when it comes to writing in this log, so it's probably time I update this thing.

 

Alright, so things have been going smoothly for a couple weeks now, although they have been uneventful lately. I'm fairly certain this is because I haven't actually sat down to do any forcing. Most of the forcing I do anymore is passive, which probably explains why we haven't made any breakthroughs lately. Noel says she's fine with that, but she does say that if I really want her imposed I'm going to have to put more effort in. That makes me feel a bit guilty, but I kinda deserve it. In a way it helps me get motivated, it wouldn't be fair to her if I didn't give 110%.

 

That being said, I'm not really sure what to tackle next, or how to go about doing it for that matter. Everything that deals with tulpaforcing takes time, especially things like possession, auditory/visual hallucinations, and tactile hallucination. Not only that, they also require constant concentration over several weeks. That's probably my biggest problem: I'm just not that patient. I'm not sure how I'm going to work around this, but I need to think of some methods that will help me stay focused and diligent.


My Tulpa

And then it cuts to a scene where you're sitting in a padded cell.

 

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Mar 1

 

Posting back-to-back days, this doesn't happen very often! So for the past couple weeks now I've been working on contacting Noel in my dreams, and last night I was so close. Here's how it went down:

 

Dream begins, I'm in a field. I was pretty sure it could have been altered place in my wonderland; it was grassy and hilly and kinda muddy looking. I realized at that moment that I was dreaming, and I quickly tried to see if I could contact her. I couldn't seem to do it just by willing her next to me, and when I tried a bit harder my dreamscape collapsed.

 

It was only after I woke up that I remembered our sleep schedules overlap a bit, especially in the early morning hours when I get ready for school. I'm a nice guy and let her wake up on her own time, so it's usually a rarity if she's up before I am. Anyways, I don't think I'll be able to pull her into my dream through sheer force of will alone. Noel feels a little sketchy about entering my dream, and the more I think about it that would make sense. If I don't have absolute control over my dream things could get weird or ugly fast, and I wouldn't want to freak her out in a situation like that. It's not that she doesn't trust me (it wouldn't hurt me if she didn't, I gotta earn it after all), I think the thought of being stuck in an unstable place like a dream where you have no control would make anyone uncomfortable.

 

On a side note, I found out that playing word games with your tulpa is really entertaining. If we're bored and have nothing to do, one of us says a random word and the other must respond with a word that starts with the last letter of the previous word. Simple stuff like that. Maybe after awhile I'll think of something harder...


My Tulpa

And then it cuts to a scene where you're sitting in a padded cell.

 

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Mar 2-13

 

I think it's about time for a proper post! We've had some pretty minor developments I'd say, but things are going well. I think some pre-imposition hallucinations are starting to pop up, every now and then I'll see small flashes or distortions in color. Cool shit, mang.

 

I think I'll proxy for Noel a bit, she barley written in here at all.

 

"Hello people! I'm not exactly sure what to write here, but I'll give it a shot. I think it would help if we spent more time in the wonderland, you don't use it much anymore. Someone's got to keep that place looking nice! So yeah, other than that we'll just keep working on imposition and stuff. End?"


My Tulpa

And then it cuts to a scene where you're sitting in a padded cell.

 

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Mar 14-25

 

Spring break is drawing near, so I hope I can really make some headway into imposition. So far in the past week or so I've only been able to spot bits of color and such. I have a hard time feeling her presence when I'm doing other tasks, so I think I need to somehow keep her close to me even when I'm not specifically thinking about her. We haven't used the wonderland much during the day, I've been saving that for my lucid dreams. Speaking of lucid dreams, I was so close to meeting her in one of my dreams a couple of nights ago. I saw a crude form of her try and manifest in front of me, and I could feel her as well. It started to get clearer and then I must have woken up in the process. I was disappointed but progress is progress.

 

Something cool did happen this morning though. Before I went to bed I asked Noel to wake me up a 3 AM, and to my surprise I woke up at 3:07AM. I pretty much shat bricks, it was awesome. I couldn't get back to sleep so we just talked about how excited I was until I fell back asleep.

 

I've also started to read to her. I have to do a literary analysis paper, and I chose to do it on Catch 22. She seems to like it. I'm seven chapters in, but it's a bit confusing though. The events in the book aren't in chronological order, so I think I'll have to go back and make connections in the plot after I get farther in the book. She seems to enjoy Yossarian the most, as do I because he's a massive smartass that thinks everyone's out to kill him. Reading is actually more enjoyable when you can read to your tulpa.


My Tulpa

And then it cuts to a scene where you're sitting in a padded cell.

 

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Mar 26-30

 

So my spring break has started out wonderfully. I went to bed on the 28th with a fever and a headache, which I thought was from simple exhaustion or just a small cold. But no, I woke up several times during the night and I felt terrible. Sleeping was almost impossible, so I tried to impose Noel next to me to get my mind off my sickness. She was happy to help me, and it was very comforting knowing that she was there. I jokingly told her we should switch so I could get some sleep. She declined, smart girl. Honestly, even if I could switch I probably wouldn't, how sick I felt that night was just awful.

 

I fell asleep at some point while I was talking to her, and I managed to have a lucid dream. Well, several lucid dreams actually. In the first dream I was playing Dark Souls, or rather, in Dark Souls. I was in what appeared to be Sen's Fortress, and I was panicking because it was dark and I was lost. That dream abruptly ended when I fell down a pit and it scared the shit out of me.

 

In the second dream I was more aware, but I couldn't contact Noel. I thought this would be easy, but apparently that's not the case. I usually just call for her and try to imagine her in front of me, but that has barely yielded any results. But then I got to thinking, I can't force her to just be there. I can't control her. She's herself, and I can't just make her appear at the snap of a finger. She's not something I can control at this point, she's too far developed. So if I want to force in a lucid dream, I'm going to have to track her down somehow. Or at the very least have a lucid dream that's stable longer than two minutes. Finding my wonderland would be a good first step I guess. I know she'll be there. She doesn't like to go into most of my dreams, she's told me that. The fact that they are unstable makes her uneasy.

 

Well, it's now the 30th and I'm feeling much better, so I hope I can get some actual meditation done this week. More meditation than just 20 minutes before bed anyway.


My Tulpa

And then it cuts to a scene where you're sitting in a padded cell.

 

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Mar 31-Apr 3

 

I'm finally not sick anymore and it feels incredible. Now my brother has whatever vile illness I was carrying, hue hue. So now that I am no longer dying from some mystery plague I can start doing some deeper meditation and really buckle down on things. I've actually gotten really good at feeling things in my wonderland, Noel included.

 

It's really weird, I can perceive most of my senses clearer than they ever were in my wonderland, even though I went nearly a whole month without messing with it. I think it's because I used to try and "force" myself to feel my wonderland senses. Now I just kinda let them happen I guess. Just the other night I sat outside in my wonderland listening to trees rustle and felt the wind blow. It felt more natural than all the other times I've ever tried to "feel" my wonderland. Noel's pretty awesome too. Her fur is extremely soft and warm, it's pretty fucking amazing when you get to a point when you can feel these things on a deeper level.

 

Also I've decided to finally start a dream journal. If I want this lucid dreaming tulpa interaction thing to work out, I'm going to need to get serious. Having something tangible to tie my dream memories to should help me greatly, and it's something I should have done from the very beginning.


My Tulpa

And then it cuts to a scene where you're sitting in a padded cell.

 

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Apr 4

 

I recorded my first entry in my dream journal, I caint wait for this to prove useful. So many times I've woken up and asked myself "have I had this dream before?" Now I can finally put this dream deja-vu crap to bed (awesome pun, right?). It's affected me for as long as I can remember really. Almost every dream I've had it feels like I've gotten the same feeling from the exact same dream somewhere in the past. There are two possibilities here: one, I've actually had the dream before and the deja-vu is justified. Or two, my brain can't store dream related memories worth a damn and is making me feel like I've had the dream before. The brain is just so awesome, isn't it.

 

Back to tulpa matters though, if I wanted to talk about dreams I would have made a DV's account. I've been thinking about retrying some tones and getting into a deep meditative trance; I haven't really had a solid experience like that. I mean, my wonderland has been vivid at times, but I want to be able to suppress my physical senses while I do it. This kinda relates back to my whole lucid dream thing, but I want to do it not only while I'm sleeping, but while I'm awake too. I think my biggest problem when it comes to meditation is that I always do it lying down. I would do it sitting up, but my house is always so busy I wouldn't have the time to do it properly. That, and I couldn't tell my family I'm meditating without it sounding like I'm a New-Age Cultist Hippie. My biggest problem by far is falling asleep while meditating. If could hear Noel as an auditory hallucination then she could keep me from falling asleep, so maybe I should aim for that. A solid hour of white noise is sure to produce some results.


My Tulpa

And then it cuts to a scene where you're sitting in a padded cell.

 

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April 5-16

 

So things have been a bit sluggish these days. Imposition seems to be kicking my ass, I've only had small flashes of color and such. Nothing short of normal. I know why I haven't been making progress in that area; I only work on imposition sporadically throughout the day. I find it incredibly hard to give the proper effort to impose while at school. Me and Noel talk throughout the day, but it's difficult to feel her presence much less impose it during the school day. It's your typical high school atmosphere, dull, repetitive, and slow. It's like an oppressive funk that just makes me tired and apathetic.

 

Of course, that's only all in my head. I just need to find a way to get motivated during school, and somehow keep Noel's presence with me even when I might be distracted.

 

My lucid dreaming however continues to show progress. My recall is up and so is my self awareness. The self awareness part has actually turned out to be very beneficial for the both of us. When I become self aware it also reminds me of her, so that's a plus.


My Tulpa

And then it cuts to a scene where you're sitting in a padded cell.

 

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April 17-25

 

We've been working on imposition quite a bit in the last week or so. Still no hallucinations yet, sadly. I just can't wait for the summer to get here, I'll have more time to do active forcing than ever before. I actually had a long and productive forcing session a couple of days ago. It was about 45 minutes long, and it was nice. Everything was just so nice and quiet; I could have sat there forever. Meditation is something that I never thought I would ever practice, let alone create a tulpa. There's something peaceful about forgetting your surroundings and losing yourself in a deep trance.

 

Onto more imposition! I currently have two problems with imposition so far. Firstly, I can't seem to get the dimension of a pony right. How tall is a pony? How big are their heads? Noel is pretty realistic at this point, so it's hard to get her form looking natural when ponies themselves look so... well, unnatural.

 

The second problem is her human form. I can get the dimensions of a human right, but I can't seem to shake off that initial anime style she started out with. I don't mind it, but I'd kinda like it if her both her forms were in the same realistic style. I asked her about it, and she doesn't seem to care either way. Maybe it will just take time, just like with everything else.


My Tulpa

And then it cuts to a scene where you're sitting in a padded cell.

 

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