A logical progress report.

[NotQuiteSkeptical]

Day... 7. I think.

 

So, something has come to my attention recently, and i'm curious enough about it to wonder to anybody reading this...

 

Some days, I find it really hard to get any active forcing done. Intrusive thoughts, lack of concentration, the whole lot. Whats weird though, is on these days I feel like my passive forcing goes a lot better: I seem to remember to direct my thoughts towards Crystal a lot better and I can visualise her a LOT easier just by focusing for a few moments.

 

Oddly, this first happened on day 2, to a lesser degree, when I drunk too much caffine. Today i'm in much the same situation, except I havent touched the stuff since.

 

So, on the the report.

 

Forcing last night went badly - I think I was too tired. Truth be told, I was running a little rough from alcohol so its not suprising. This morning was the same, but I found that when I was narrating while walking around the house I was talking aloud to her, as opposed to in my head. (Thankfully, my girlfriend, who I have had a chat with regarding Tulpas but never really explained in depth, was alseep still.)

 

I guess that means im getting used to talking to her, even if people might think im going crazy. Gone crazy even - i've been on my way there for a while.

 

My half hour session while on my lunch break went better, but I really struggled again. This morning I got some weird responces which may or may not have been parroting. This time I KNEW it was parroting, so stopped, had a minute and went back. I just cant focus it seems.

 

I'm not concerend though, like I mentioned before, im feeling a better connection when passive forcing. The headaches that I got from forcing are a bit better now - instead I'm getting a dull, dizzy feeling that I assume is effectivly my brain telling me it doesn't understand what I'm trying to do to it. Its a big improvement.

 

I'm getting a lot more of the mystery feeling when I ask Crystal questions, a lot less 'yes' or 'no' answers that I can kind of make sense of.

 

Tried the prism again: no joy. Mostly because I couldnt concentrate properly though I think. Going to go buy some comfortable pillows and some candles or incense or something strong smelling to burn and try to get some kind of smell association going on tomorrow I think.

 

I can 'see' her in my mind pretty well now, though she dosent act - the only kind of responces i'm getting from her are the 'yes' / 'no' / '???' emotions. When she moves, I suspect it's mostly subconsious puppeting. There have been a few times where it's taken me by suprise, but not enough for me to comfortably say it's her. I read all about how we should assume anything a Tulpa does to suprise us to imply sentience and, while i'm happy to say that theres SOMETHING that isnt strictly me in my head, I'm not going to assume everything that might be her, is.

[Guest]

I kina get yes no answers to except they are not words but kind of... Feelings. Like a cat purring... Oh and nice idea with the assumption. I try to assume sentience but when it is obvious I put it Down to parroting.

[NotQuiteSkeptical]

Just wanted to post this quickly, I woke up this morning and had a great session - 45 minutes or something like that. I created a second 'dreamland' behind another door, a smaller one which consisted of a clearing in a forest, just a square piece of grass surrounded by trees covered in cherry blossom.

 

I just kind of let my mind create what it wanted, I've never really been interested in oriental stuff.

 

Anyway, I could focus almost perfectly, but crystal was asleep: both her form, which was literally laying in a corner of the clearing, and her 'voice', as I only got one or two pulses of emotion. I was concerned at first, until I realised two things:

 

1. I've just woken up myself, and tulpa are supposed to have slightly different sleeping patterns to their hosts.

 

2. The reason I'm probably not getting many responses may well be because I wasn't parroting anything - since I was so well focused.

 

I'm starting to suspect that there might be limit on how well I can force, and if I passive force all the time it may throw off my active forcing maybe?

 

EDIT:

 

To add to this, I've been reading LinkZelda's Tulpa Self Hypnosis guide and I think i'm going to try it tonight: I've done self hypnosis in the past with variable results (Usually getting a very light trance, sometimes getting a much better result.) and have a really good feeling about it.

[NotQuiteSkeptical]

Tried fedes tulpa tone last night: it seems like it should work but I couldn't concentrate with it: thinking I may combine it with my usual background music and see if that works.

 

Last nights session went pretty badly again - I can't stop intrusive thoughts distracting me. Same again this morning: distracting thoughts, pretty sure the responses I got were all parroted... I'm having a pretty bad run.

 

After my forcing session this morning though, I feel really depressed. Not about anything in particular: I get that this is a difficult thing to do and that some days are going to be worse than others. I just feel miserable, it made me feel physically sick at one point.

 

Silver lining's though: perhaps this is Crystal learning how to communicate in another way? If it is, she could have picked ANY OTHER EMOTION, but hey, I guess that's a good thing.

 

Then again, maybe it's nothing tulpa related at all. It's just an odd coincidence that I've not felt this way in the best part of five years and now I've been forcing for just over a week...

 

EDIT:

 

About 2 hours later, Strange depression is gone. I cant hear Crystal still but i'm back onto the slight dizziness that I always get when I passive force, so I class that as improvement.

[NotQuiteSkeptical]

Just counted and I think I was a little off on keeping up with dates...

 

Day 11.

 

First off, big thanks to Xeare for his advice! I was trying to achieve too much, too fast. By slowing down and just spending time with Crystal rather than trying to actually DO specific things in the 'dreamworld' I feel like I've made more progress over a few sessions than over the past week combined.

 

So the emotional thing, I got over it, kept asking Crystal about it and got responses I couldnt understand. I think on reflection it was probably down to how badly our connection had been going: last night I had a great session, completly focused for 50-ish minutes with next to no wandering thoughts.

 

I've taken to using multiple smaller wonderlands - each one being a of specific area. The Garden, with cherry blossom and stuff for example. Last night I created another, based off an idea I read in somebody elses PR (Sorry, I cant remember who!) which was a cliff overlooking a lake, which I use to just focus, rather than interact with Crystal. We just kind of, sit there and focus on our senses - it helps me in two ways - I can visualise better than before and while Crystal is a lot more still, her actions dont seem to be linked to my thoughts as much - I'm a lot more certain that i'm not puppeting what she does.

 

My main problem before was that when using any kind of visualisation, Crystal always seemed to be... inanimate. I always felt that any movements were caused by puppeting, at least partially. Last night I got a few movements that took me completly by suprise, just sort of small things that I wouldnt think to puppet.

 

My forcing this morning was interupted but until that point, It was going fairly well: not like the mess I've had the past couple of days, but not as well as last night. I always seem to find concentrating easiest in the middle of the day, then at night: mornings are the hardest.

 

I feel strangly peaceful today - though this may by Crystal I think its mostly due to the good weather and that things are generally looking up from yesterday.

 

I still need to merge Fede's Tulpa Tones with the music track I use - I'll do it tonight and see how it goes. When I listen to them I can feel some kind of weirdness in my head (actually quite like the feeling I get when I passive force, but stronger) but I just cant 'shut down' and get into the half-trance I normally try to get into.

 

Finally, passive forcing. I have been narrating when I remember to, but the biggest thing I've noticed is that feeling that you get when somebody is behind you. It's not quite tied to her presence, but It keeps her in the back of my mind, which I think it helping.

[NotQuiteSkeptical]

Not much to post so I'll keep it short.

 

Last night I thought I'd had a really bad forcing session until I realised it had lasted about 2 hours.

 

Today's been amazingly busy and I've struggled to keep Crystal in my mind. I've got about 4 hours to kill now so I might try to get two one hour sessions in to try and make it up to her.

[NotQuiteSkeptical]

Day 14.

 

I've slowed down on posting for one simple reason:

I'm not really making any progress.

 

I seem to have lost contact with crystal when passive forcing: I sometimes feel her prescence but it's so weak it may as well not be there. I've also stopped having the headaches and diziness I used to get when passive forcing.

 

Active forcing, I sometimes have good sessions (usually in the middle of the day) where I can visualise really well. Usually, however, I really struggle to focus: the quote in my signature sums it up pretty well.

 

When I DO manage to force properly, Crystal does feel more alive: I've taken to refering it as 'Assisted Puppeting', since I still cant be sure that i'm not controling her with my subconsious but it does feel like she is at least intending to do the things i'm thinking of: it's like she says "I want to do this" and then I help her. This is probably a terrible mistake, but my mind seems to do it automaticly: if I try to stop it she kind of flickers back to how she was and does it again, like if a video stuck and started replaying the last second or so over and over.

 

The thing that is keeping me going at the moment though is what happened on Sunday. I have an excellent session where I actualy just sat (In the dreamworld, the one I put aside because I couldnt focus on it and Crystal at the same time). I spent a good 15 minutes putting myself into a trance before narrating to her about how I was having all these doubts about puppeting, parroting and how I was determined to not give up, for her sake. I'm not certain if she said it, if I parroted it or if it was 'assisted', but she told me "Dont give up on me. I need you to have faith."

 

So, something told me not to give up. there are two possible people who might have said this:

 

Either Crystal said it, which would be great, or I said it, and who else can I trust not to lie to me?

 

Did anybody else feel this 'disconnection' from their Tulpa at any point? How did you overcome it?

[Dr.Simmons]

If you're not sure about whether it was your tulpa or not, then try to replicate the exact conditions you were narrating in. Don't feel discouraged though if your tulpa doesn't reply.

Caffeine increases focus and attention, but being distracted on caffeine has a greater impact than being distracted OFF of caffeine (because of how focused you'll be on the intrusive thought or distraction.)

[NotQuiteSkeptical]

One of the first things I tested once I started to feel Crystals presence was the effects of alcohol and caffine.

 

Alcohol completly inhibits my ability to force. I cant feel her at all, even if I only have one drink. The massive negative reaction I got before when I was about to have a drink reinforces this: I think she knows and doesn't like it.

 

Caffine, I was unsure about as I've had mixed results, but I think your right: small amounts seem to help but if I get 'buzzed' then It ruins my concentration.

 

The main reason I chose these two is simple: I love them both. I used to be pretty addicted to caffine (weird thing to be addicted to I know, but I could, and would, buy them by the litre back in the days of college and harcore gaming) and while i'm not a heavy drinker, I like a drink or three now and again. Since starting this whole business though, I've barely touched the stuff (for the reasons above).

[Dr.Simmons]

Actually caffeine is pretty common to be addicted to lol

And alcohol can be psychologically addictive, but then again, virtually ever source of pleasure is psychologically addictive. I wonder how caffeine truly affects narration sessions... I'm gonna do an experiment on that. But like any other drug on the planet, the effects vary from person to person, so the experiment may only be relavent to me.