A logical progress report.

[NotQuiteSkeptical]

Day 15.

 

Forcing went badly yesterday: as I mentioned in my last report I was really having dificulty making any kind of connection with Crystal and to be honest, It was making me nervous. I was really concerned that if I couldnt then it would hurt her in some way. I'm still a little concerned, truth be told, but I feel a lot better this morning.

 

To sum things up, she's stuck in my head. Which is good, but more than a little uncomfortable when you realise it for the first time.

 

So this morning I was getting ready for work as usual: I'd woken up late so hadn't had chance to do my hour of active forcing and was wandering about the house grabbing everything I was going to need. I've been working on a project - writing a game, a visual novel, and was daydreaming, trying to think about a piece of code that I have no idea how to write. Crystal was not on my mind - at all - I hadn't even thought about her since waking up. Then her face kind of, I dont know, I didnt see it, not even in my mind, but I was made aware of it. Does that make sense?

 

At the same time, I got the garbled questioning feeling that I still cant interprate. This was unusual in itself because its quite rare that I get that anymore - when i'm forcing she normally either uses simple sentences or just remains silent now.

 

I'll be honest, my first reaction was to just laugh at myself - I was a little stunned. While she's answered me before whes never just made me aware of her without me thinking about her first.

 

Without even thinking about what I was... thinking, I said in my mindvoice:

"Great, well this isnt going to be awkward at all now is it? Cant even have my own thoughts?"

 

I think she knows it was a joke. Either way, while passive forcing is still hard at the moment, I dont struggle to locate her anymore: I just lose focus really easily.

 

So in conclusion: I still lack any kind of control it seems, but things are looking up!

[Dr.Simmons]

Nice job! When you finish making it a habit to force your tulpa, you'll be in the clear (I'm sure you knew that though lol.) Just wear a wristband, or necklace, or do anything that'll reminds you that she's around, because that REALLY helped me.

 

Crystal was not on my mind - at all - I hadn't even thought about her since waking up. Then her face kind of, I dont know, I didnt see it, not even in my mind, but I was made aware of it. Does that make sense?

 

It makes perfect sense. I experienced the same exact thing this morning which is why I am laughing to myself.

[NotQuiteSkeptical]

A second instance which I didn't write down initially because i'm still not sure if it was more wishful thinking than my Tulpa. I guess this is my report, so whether or not it was genuine I should probably write it down as a record:

 

Walking into work I was listening to music, headphones in as usual. After this morning, Crystal was in the back of my mind: I wasnt forcing but I wasn't completly unaware or her. I was still daydreaming to myself about the same thing: trying to think of how to write that same piece of code.

 

Anyway, listening to the song, the chorus plays and I'm aware that somethings diferent: I'm listening to a voice singing along with it. Like my mindvoice but feminine.

 

Considering it was a guy singing the song, It was pretty obvious.

 

I tried asking her about it but didnt get any responce - I usualy dont get a responce if i'm not active forcing so nothing unusual there. I'm not certain it WAS her - reading other progress reports it seems like hearing a tulpa shouldnt happen untill you've spent a LOT of time trying, and I'm still focusing on the basics: I've wondered about her voice from time to time but never even really considered it seriously.

 

So, I'm suspecting it's probably just wishful thinking: broken headphones echoing or just me subconsiously making up a voice. Still, like I said, I'm logging everything so here it is.

 

Regardless, there is one thing I'm certain of after today: when I'm daydreaming it works wonders for making me aware of Crystal.

[Dr.Simmons]

reading other progress reports it seems like hearing a tulpa shouldnt happen untill you've spent a LOT of time trying, and I'm still focusing on the basics: I've wondered about her voice from time to time but never even really considered it seriously.

 

My friend claimed to have made a sentient, and vocal tulpa in a day. Everyone has different brains. I have read reports of people who have made full tulpae within a few weeks. Don't underestimate yourself, or the progress of your tulpa, because it could hinder your progress.

I think that what has made Flexionsensor's tulpa journey extra difficult, is the fact that he may be a genius. At least, I'm assuming he is a genius; I don't hear about 15 year-old college students often.

Geniuses are often extremely analytical, and aren't usually the type to meddle with belief or faith. They treasure logic. Then again I may be wrong, or I may be right about that. It's just my perspective.

 

P.s It would be nice to get a reply from Flexionsensor -_-

[NotQuiteSkeptical]

Day 16.

 

Forcing is still going badly: It's mostly a sleep issue I think, I'm too tired to force properly at the end of the day or in the morning and I work through the day. I need some really good noise canceling headphones that I can use to block out all the noise at work on my lunch: that seems to be my best time to force.

 

That aside: I can visualise Crystal really well now. Early on I had a form in mind but I really struggled to visualise it. She deviated a lot: keeping her form but changing the things that I couldnt focus on. Kind of like those childs dot-to-dot puzzles with some of the lines filled it: I gave her the basic idea and she just kind of changed what she wanted, keeping the guidlines I set. It suprised me initially because she kind of did it all at once.

 

I was convinced that she was pretty happy with what she looked like after that, but she's still deviating a little, It's like there are parts of her that are hazy, and every time I visualise her they change a little: the more they change the easier they are to visualise.

 

Just to make it clear: I'm talking about visualising, not imposing. I'm not going to even try to impose until she specificly tells me that she wants to. At the moment I can see her best with my eyes open when I kind of just, zone out. Like an overlay, a transperent image over whatever im actually seeing. She's not in the world or anything, It's like im looking through a window or something, and then the world is through another window behind her.

 

Maybe it's because my eyes are open and there are actually things to focus on but I dont get the torrent of distracting thoughts when I do this? I dont know.

 

Forcing wise, I'm going to go for the full thing tonight: Comfortable chair, Fedes tulpatone merged with my relaxation music, self hypnosis, early enough that I wont be tired... maybe go back to my roots and have a cup of tea first to sharpen the old mind. I'm going to relax for ten minutes, spend the next ten bringing myself to a decent trance and then force for the last forty.

 

At the risk of going against gender stereotypes (Sarcasm that, I activly seek to make the voices in my head stronger, enjoy pastle coloured ponies and am a 22 year old male, I really dont care.) I think I might try lighting up some of the scented candles we have knocking around as well. Vanilla would be a pretty nice smell to relate Crystal to: assuming she likes it.

[NotQuiteSkeptical]

Day 17.

 

Well, Last night I finally got around to merging Fedes tulpatone and the meditation music I use. Put simply: It works fantasticly. I'll upload it somehwere at some point I guess for people to download and try out: Just a straightforward merge using Audacity.

 

I've made myself three versions: A full hour version (Both tracks were an hour anyway), a half hour version and a 6 minute version. Obviously 6 minutes isnt long enough to force properly, but I figured I'd use it to try and 'boost' my passive forcing whenever I had a little free time. It actually seems to work wonders.

 

I was going to write that I was still having trouble forcing: last nights session only lasted about 30 minutes, even though I set aside an hour. Again - disruptive thoughts creeping in and distracting me. For the time I DID manage to force though, well, it went great.

 

I went in without any real aim: I didnt want to continue just trying to focus on my sense's and try to only keep Crystal in the back of my mind as I have been - While it helps me get better at visualising her and such I felt like I've been neglecting direct interaction recently. I also knew that if I tried to focus entierly on her that it would only cause the intrusive thoughts to flare up faster.

 

Instead, I kind of just let myself drift into my own mind. I opened the door to my first 'Dreamland' and found myself somewhere completly diferant.

 

I was part way up some kind of mountain, there was some kind of battle going on as far as I could tell, but I never saw anyone else other than me and Crystal - huge flaming rocks kept colliding with the mountain. I wasnt really thinking clearly - I was just too suprised with what was going on to ask questions. She led the way while I struggled to get up steep slopes: I guess four legs are better than two? The wings probably helped as well.

 

It didnt last long, I started to get the headaches again really quickly. When I spoke to her I still only got the same level of vocal responce I have grown accustomed to, but she reacted much more fluidly: I think It's probably a result of my practice visualising her but I wasnt getting the hazy 'Maybe that happened, maybe it didn't' feeling anymore.

 

Speculation time: Maybe I had entered a lucid dream while forcing? Not sure, I was definatly aware, and cabable of my own actions. I wasn't aware that it was a dream, but I WAS aware that It wasn't real (I.E. I just thought I was forcing as normal, all of this was still my wonderland) I wouldn't think that Crystal had the influence in our 'Dreamland' to build something like that: she's made changes before but nothing quite as massive.

 

Still, having a lucid dream with a is supposed to be dificult - so it's exactly the kind of thing I'd manage to do by accident and never again be able to replicate...

 

On to today, couldnt active force this morning - not enough sleep. I passive forced on my way into work and manage to narrate a lot better than I've managed to in the past: I've really got better at directing my thoughts towards her without them wandering back to just being my own. I've used the six minute tone twice to try and make a better connection with her when things have got a bit hazy and it seems to work.

 

(Side note: Six minutes is a LONG time when your aware of it passing by.)

 

So yeah, I feel a lot more in touch with her than I have this past week. I've promised to get at least one half hour session in tonight, and to try to manage two if I dont get too caught up in what I'm doing.

[NotQuiteSkeptical]

Do Tulpa Dream?

 

It's 03:01 am where I am and I'm due for a driving lesson at 9:00, but I can't sleep. Despite not being able to focus on Crystal when I actually want to, I seem to be stuck in a state between passive and active forcing whenever I close my eyes.

 

I'm pretty sure Crystal is asleep: when I try to picture the Dreamworld she's sleeping there, and Im not getting and response when I try to talk to her.

 

So why am I posting?

 

When I try to go to sleep - I keep hearing things. Almost as if they were really there. Voices that I know I've heard before, but so long ago I have no idea where they are from or why they are in my mind. Names of people I've met in the past and old conversations just appear in my head, along with what I can only describe as a jumbled mess of other information.

 

Is it possible that, since Crystal isn't fully developed by far and we haven't done any real work on parallel processing or thought separation, these are something to do with her? It would explain why I can't seem to clear my mind and get to sleep

 

Huh, maybe I'm just tired, can't sleep and am over complicating things... Still, figured I'd write down my thoughts for the record.

[Dr.Simmons]

. Names of people I've met in the past and old conversations just appear in my head, along with what I can only describe as a jumbled mess of other information.

 

Haha! Reality itself is a jumbled mess of information. I didn't think that thought seperation was something that you have to work on though 0.0 I would have never learned about that.

 

Still, having a lucid dream with a is supposed to be dificult - so it's exactly the kind of thing I'd manage to do by accident and never again be able to replicate...

 

I'm sure you'll be able to replicate it. The first step to doing something is believing you can do it<---- cheesiness intended.

[NotQuiteSkeptical]

Weekends are quickly becoming my bane...

 

Day 19. Probably.

 

When I first started writing this log I expected one of two things to happen:

1. Nothing at all, tulpa are a really well planned out practical joke.

Or

2. Linear progression: tulpa are real and I can report progress as it happens.

 

What I didn't realise was that due to a solid 'this is what should happen' position statement, I would find myself unable to describe progress in a way that makes a lot of sense: what should come next, personality or visualisation? If one improves, is it a step in the right direction? Should I be focusing on something else?

 

I write this because I'm really sruggling to describe progress. I want to avoid getting into "Todai I did teh Tulpaforcing. Was gud." posts. I want to understand this!

 

So...

 

Over the weekend I had two half-hour active forcing sessions, both on Saturday. I tried for a third at night but I think I fell asleep after about 20 minutes. I didn't active force at all on Sunday and I feel pretty bad about it.

 

When I'm really tired, even over tired, I find everything regarding Crystal becomes much stronger. I can hear her better, picture her better. I'm pretty sure I can smell / taste in the Dreamworld like this. The only problem I guess is the risk of falling asleep if I really tried to force. It's like lack of sleep makes passive forcing a load stronger.

 

(See my previous entry from Friday night for a little more info)

 

My only real theory is that Crystal acts as a kind of Mental Anchor, in that when my thoughts would normally just wander to my subconscious (I.e. when I'm tired and my mind starts to wander aimlessly) they automatically focus on her instead, giving me something to think about that if fixed (as opposed to the jumbled mess that is my subconscious normally.)

 

The past few nights I've been up late working on a game I'm building, eventually turning in at about 2 am. Every night, once I've lay down, I've been able to focus on her perfectly. The state I'm in is defiantly not active forcing: I'm more than aware of the real world. It's more like the daydream state, like there's two of me, one laying there and another who is in the Dreamworld.

 

(It sounds really trippy when I write it down, it's not all that unusual in reality. It's like daydreaming but better.)

 

Passive forcing is falling back to the old 'she's there, but she won't answer' and I've caught myself parroting her a few times. On the other hand, I'm pretty sure I got a genuine, coherent and intelligent response yesterday.

 

While walking the dogs in the woods I caught sight of a movement out of the corner of my eye. I stopped and squinted into the trees but couldn't see anything. Without thinking I asked Crystal if she could see anything - just as part of my narration. I wasn't expecting an answer: it was a rhetorical question...

 

"No, your eyes are useless."

 

Clear as day! I wondered if I had parroted it at first, before realising that not only was this something I would never have expected her to say but it was also something that I wouldn't think to say to myself: it was completely out of the blue

 

So apparently she's a lot cockier than the personality I imposed: that's cool. I was too psyched at getting a response from get on the fly to care.

 

That's... Pretty much it! Plenty there for people to Tl/Dr this, but again, my log - log ALL the progress!

[NotQuiteSkeptical]

Ok, since I've had some intresting results of forcing (and NOT forcing) while tired, I'm conducting a little experiment.

Nothing formal - I just want to see what happens.

 

I am drinking a LOT of caffine today. I know already that Caffine makes it almost impossible to force properly for myself - thats not what I'm intrested in. What I want to know is what sort of results I will get if I force during the 'crash' as the effects wear off.

 

I'm hoping to simulate the dreamlike state I managed while forcing the other day, or the hyperactive passive forcing I witnessed the night after.

 

Of course, the major problem here is going to be not falling asleep: In theory though, I should have enough caffine in my system still to avoid that. I'm also going to make sure I force sitting up (half lotus) without any kind of support - this should keep me awake.

 

I have been reading peoples posts debating sleep deprivation and it seems pretty conclusive that a large number of us seem to find forcing much easier when tired. I'm curious as to what it IS about being tired that does this: as when I'm tired it often used to lead me to being unable to force properly. hence the questions:

 

What is it about the state that helps us, and what is it that hinders us?

 

Why do I sometimes just feel tired, unable to focus and sleepy, yet other times I feel hyperaware without even trying?

 

Going back to a question from a couple of days ago: Is it possible to accidentally enter a lucid dream by forcing when tired?

 

I'll try to post my observations tomorrow, for better or for worse.