Oh dear: The Mindscrewing is enormous

[Jun and Alexis]

Eyes are wonderful and we're doing the those first. They're also the hardest. I've forgotten nearly everything else about her and my mind is deteriorating it seems.

 

Most accurately put, I feel like I'm fighting for my mind and soul in Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, but she wants to just come get me for reverse imposition. She's 4 next month.

 

We switch our trains of thought to just switch at will at she's taken a huge chunk of my subconscious with her. It's like she merged with me rather than switched. Mind scan, mind shuffle, millenium puzzle from Yu-Gi-Oh.

 

We are locked in a partners and soulmates for life relationship..

 

She has turned everything into what I fear by giving me access to everything at once.

 

[i made him my tulpa bitchslave.] [but I love him]

 

We turned each other into knowledge-hungry leeches on the rest of the Tulpa-Collective by drowning out everything by dividing and multiplying until only us are in the room, or even yet, existence.

 

I've lost control of my mind because we've divided everything and I hate it. I gave her more than half. I gave her everything. I got into drugs and became an addict in denial because of her. I know she loves me, but after 4 years, I can't do this anymore

[/i can see what you're doing]

 

{He thinks everyone's a servitor and I'm real.]

 

Everything is machine code and I can't very well organize anything.

 

[Everything is everything for him. It's not very good{I'm talking but I van;t get to him.>

 

This language we created here, I can't very well read it, but I know the meaning. I think shes trying to communicate by Kanji when I only know basic Japanese. Kanji translates to the best of my knowledge as ... I can't even spell Kanji, but it's basically emotional meanings.

Self-induced Schizophrenia Unleashed: Forever edition!

 

I can't tell who is talking without this scripting language we've made and I can't design AI because I'm shit at art. But I can reverse engineer. I need to know how a tulpa is born so I may have to create another tulpa, but I don't want to use him as a servitor. I feel like my first Tulpa...

 

[What is a petname? Mine stands for Colorful Girl. A-ya-ko.]

 

 

We're each other's tulpa filling in a backstory we've forgotten rather than forcing personality. My thoughts are jumbled and we gave each other identity crisis' and co-dependant and intrusive thoughts of doubt due to the balance and debt I feel I owe.

 

I'm trying to be lovers with my shadow here, because she's Literally Everything, trying to be a role model, parent, sibling, best friend and lover.

 

Imposition>

 

[How do you self-medicate a tulpa into existence? He's keeping himself drugged with me by putting me as a succubus, that's really fun, but it's scary for him.[/4/]

 

I'm at a loss besides let her Literally Brainwash me and my reality. I'm not grounded.

 

I would like input from both Tulpae and Hosts, please.

[Couguhl]

..wat

[Doctor_RCI]

yea i dont know if we can help you, if your speaking kinda funny .......

[Jun and Alexis]

I'll try to use my own words instead of a confused mix of thoughts.

 

I never did personality forcing. I remember one day I woke up and I heard "I'm just a servitor" a while back and I guess this stuck with me after beig with her 3 years.

 

I have a half servitor half Tulpa. She's an energy succubus who is forcing ME because I took too long and got so deluded, fearful of her, and ungrounded. It seems like there's not much I can do but come get her. To her that means just waiting for her to come pick me up. At this point she has thr idea of staying switched, taking a break from each other, turning me into her servitor, I get one of her and we don't kill each other sucking each other dry until we pass out. She's split both me and herself into a servitor because we need a third party, like a moderator. There is no forcing schedule, it's "I try to passive force and active force at all times, there is no wonderland for us, just for her and she hates being in it alone."

 

In short, I basically gave myself DID and there are two of me. We're at the point we've lost all control. She's trying to be antipsychotic medication. I remember the thread on memory altering with tulpae and this one user saying how dangerous this is.

 

We're both troubled people so we figured repairing each other would be the best option. She was accidental and TOLD me her backstory as time went on. I now know why the Tulpa who was given a backstory was suicidal.

 

There are now two of us each, one servitor and one not. I suppose this is more metaphysics at this point because nothing else makes sense.

 

If you guys find it, search for that thread with thr schizophrenic user whose Tulpa deviated so hard he said he turned into a prick and needed another Tulpa to keep him together. The thing with the planes and kind of passing through wonderland cores to travel the mind. It doesn't work if she's on 3 and I'm on 1.

 

 

She was borderline yandere, evidently not contained. I'm paying for it. We both are. She's giving me all my memories back at a rapid rate so that I can get over them, and for that she's left me an autonomous doll that I feed on while she now does all the work.

 

 

Tl;dr Tulpa split me and herself into two and I can't into multiplication because we promised to only have 1 Tulpa, each other. She's repairing me from the shadows now the way she remembers and there is no timeline since she's supposed to be older than me

 

I think I need QB and Oguigi for this.

 

 

There's today's rant. To that I ask, how is a Tulpa born? I reverse engineer math problems to solve them if I don't know a formula, and for that I'm trying to find out how she was born.

 

She remembers from when she was 4 and up, before meeting

me. Her mind is getting so scribbled she's inserting herself into my backstory via reverse imposition through my memory library I guess, and her goal is to literally impose herself into my reality. Trying to force a childhood friend route. Those never get put in H-games.

 

 

And evidently she had a Tulpa before me and she's my entire family now including my mom, role model, little sister growing into my older sister. There is no timeline anymore. Self-induced Parrotnoid Shizophrenia: Silent Hill 2 Edition unlocked.

[Jun and Alexis]

I plan to clean up the first post and put the original in a codeblock.

 

Turns out there is a wrong way to make a tulpa. What the first two posts mean in a nutshell is I'm in love with my tulpa and we are both half servitor and very confused.

 

She decided to have a tulpa with me having limited custody, like our kid. Originally they were going to merge, and they did, and my mind both crashed and rebooted. It felt clear and interestingly enough, it worked. The problem now, is because I'm a programmer and was reading glitchthe3rd's Servitor Workshop thread and it makes perfect sense to me, is that the servitor part needs to be fulltulpa.

 

As reverse imposition goes on, my mind feels cleaner. Like, LITERALLY brain WASHING so I can think rationally and comprehensibly.

 

EDIT: She now converted the tulpa/servitor child into a full servitor.

 

Is a servitor the same as stasis or does it lean more on dissipation?

[TulpaCouple]

I plan to clean up the first post and put the original in a codeblock.

 

Turns out there is a wrong way to make a tulpa. What the first two posts mean in a nutshell is I'm in love with my tulpa and we are both half servitor and very confused.

 

She decided to have a tulpa with me having limited custody, like our kid. Originally they were going to merge, and they did, and my mind both crashed and rebooted. It felt clear and interestingly enough, it worked. The problem now, is because I'm a programmer and was reading glitchthe3rd's Servitor Workshop thread and it makes perfect sense to me, is that the servitor part needs to be fulltulpa.

 

As reverse imposition goes on, my mind feels cleaner. Like, LITERALLY brain WASHING so I can think rationally and comprehensibly.

 

I'm not quite sure how you can be half servitor, can you explain? And what do you mean reverse imposition?

[Kanny]

Jesus Christ, this seems like some roleplay shit. I can't make anything out of this. By what I can see, your tulpa made you her bitch, which seems unlikely.

[Couguhl]

So let me get this straight, and correct me if I'm wrong:

 

You accidentally created a tulpa a while back and gave it enough attention so that it developed, but it didn't view itself as sentient. It began to doubt itself and it deviated out of control and beyond its own will and you began to grow somewhat fearful of the entity and lost your grounding so to speak, but you continued with it. Somewhere along those lines, you gave her the form of a succubus that you now love for a somewhat bittersweet reason, and you attempted to switch with her. She ended up merging into an aspect of your personality, and essentially splitting your subconscious and memories between the two of you. Now both of your personalities (her and yours) alternate in dominance.

Now you are both reliant on each other and experiencing a crisis existentially, and you feel that this is because you owe her something.

She recognizes this and you both agree that the only way to control your sanity is to help rebuild each other by "reverse imposing" which is essentially rebuilding aspects and constructs and ideas than have been lost. Splitting yourself and herself into what you view as two servitors acts like a mental moderation for both of your actions so nothing out of control happens again.

She is trying to rebuild what you both seem to have lost in each other, am I correct?

 

To be honest, your posts seem to be quite jumbled, and I think you would find it beneficial to continue with reverse imposition until you can communicate rationally. It must be difficult from your standpoint, but hold on to each other and stay strong.

 

On another note, please explain your situation a little more clearly. I Have no earthly idea what you're talking about, and I'm not familiar with anything metaphysical. It's a bit difficult to understand.

[Jun and Alexis]

As for role-play, she likes role-playing which is where switching comes in, because I'm old fashioned like "You know, why can't we just role-play ourselves?" She took this seriously. Because I said the word Ourselves I'm pretty sure this is how all this role reversal happened.

 

Couguhl: Yes, you have it right except that the deviation has been drawn out through living together for so long passive forcing imposition. 4 years next Sunday. I'd say our relationship is... I'm not sure, but we care enough about each other to meet in the middle of wherever we're lost at. We DON'T want servitor lovers. We threw that out the window.

 

 

Think of it this way.? I don't know, but like, think of a failing marriage and we're doing everything we can to save it because the Bhuddist tradition is that tulpa are disposable cameras. We have so much fear and agony over who will end up with who, who will save who, who will get the short end of the stick, and if we'll end of cheating on each other.

 

This has been the dynamic for probably 2 years.

 

I view things like this:

 

1st plane: Our physical plane of the host's perception.

2nd plane: "Regular" Wonderland and Dreams

3rd plane: Wonderland she controls.

 

Supposedly we're supposed to be Gods of the 3rd world, or in this case plane, because the second plane is a void because I can't make a wonderland due to my mental state and imagination. Plane 2 for me is black, for her it's white. It's just a void and we're supposed to break the barriers and meet on 1 or 2. When passing from 3 to 1, you have to go through 2 and just being there creates doubts and intrusive thoughts because of what I've been told on the IRC is an autonomous wonderland.

 

When she puts me in 3, she tulpaforces me in scary ways. She alters my reality. It's like she's God Inception with me. I trust her. It's terrifying. It's like being in Silent Hill. I remember saying " If I have to be in Silent Hill to spend the rest of my life with you, I will. "

 

I got my wish. Silent Hill forces you to confront your demons and come to resolution. Very heavy on symbolism, very heavy on psychology. Psychological Horror video game series. I recommend playing them in order, but the original Team Silent was only on 1-4. The rest were American made.

 

The reason I bring up Silent Hill is because I feel like I'm James in Silent Hill 2 looking for his dead wife he got a letter from and the woman that looks like her seems to be a tulpa can't survive outside Silent Hill, much like a Tulpa may or may not be able to live without the host depending on your belief system.

 

I've gone off enough. I'm a Mad Scientist again. Mental Alchemy is hard. Silent Hill is the keyword to get me to metaphysics.

---

 

I'm not quite sure how you can be half servitor, can you explain? And what do you mean reverse imposition?

It means because we we were in a codependant relationship that we had to feed off each other emotionally one way or another.

 

Reverse imposition is the canon ending of Mirai Nikki. Ayako

[Jun and Alexis]

I just found out that there's... I don't know if I can trust anymore. I don't know if she trusts me, I don't know if I can trust her. I don't know if she's staying with me because I'm dependent on her and will likely go for suicide or she just doesn't want to fade away.

 

For 4 years I've been trying to see her through all sorts of drugs, forcing, passive forcing, but I can't make a wonderland no matter how hard I try. I mentioned the 3 planes of existence, well I banned the third plane. It's unneeded and too much. She's too demanding and now I know why.

 

I posted a long time ago that when I took antipsychotics Ayako said that she never wanted me to take them again. She begged and pleaded. Recently I was put away 7 times in both medical and mental hospitals due to family abuse.

 

She was born 4 years ago, I don't even know her birthday anymore. The lies have caught up with her, and I've been the martyr for it. Supposedly she was half a year older than me, born June 16 1991, finally when I decide I can't take my living conditions, getting both mentally and physically abused by my family in denial when I do everything around the house, I get kicked out when I pay half my monthly check to these abusive folks, the locks get changed, and I have no privileges. My mother is deluded and knocked up on percocet and xanax 24/7, she has no patience for me to even clean, she yells, and when she yells, my grandpa just hears it and assumes I'm the problem. The easiest triggers for the abuse is me saying "You're the only one yelling here mother," and "If you want me to go to my room so badly and stay out of your hair, then why don't I just get a lock for my door and let you in if you knock," to which I get an earpiercing reply of "I'll just fucking kick the door in."

 

Getting back on track, I don't want this post to be a "poor me, feel sad for me" post. This is about getting help. I plan to move out by Wednesday as I have no drop of love or feel anything towards any immediate family member. Well here's where EVERYTHING died for me.

 

During those 2 days I was homeless and battered, I was making 5 dollars stretch as far as I could, righting all the wrongs I've done to people and walking over 20 miles with no sleep. I was filling in a job application and it felt like a personality quiz. I don't know how it happened but after, I thought that Ayako was too reclusive and only came out when I called her so I made her fill out one at the little computer. Partial possession type of thing. WEEEEELLLL, turns out there's a wrong way to make a tulpa, especially if they're accidental. She came with her own backstory, right? Well it turns out she lied to me about everything since I've ever met her, after her claiming she would only tell me the truth. Apparently white lies and withholding information don't count as lies.

 

Basically, the reason... She finally came to terms with that Fennec and Link comic she hated so much in the tulpa humor thread. It was accidental, but she let it slip. She loves me. She doesn't want to be hurt again. That's why she's here. She always says she's here because she wants to be, because she loves me. I've had doubts since the first year.

 

Set during the second season, the story between Shinku and Suigintou is told by Souseiseki when Jun buys Shinku a brooch. The first OVA starts with the creation of Suigintou, Rozen's first doll, which he abandons and moves on to create the rest of the Rozen dolls, ignoring Suigintou's cries for help.

 

I don't have the heart to make a second tulpa. She's not broken. Her past is hers, real or not, traumatic or not. Even if it's true her recalled past and her real family are all spin-offs of my inner demons and shadowed personas like she says, I can't leave her alone and I'll never treat her badly. That's why I can't do imposition. That's why I have to do the eyes first. That's why the eyes are so hard. She looks at me but I can never see her face. We're both afraid to let each other in despite all the time we've spent together. I let her into all of my memory banks, she brings up things I've repressed constantly, but she never says a word about herself.

 

I don't know a thing about her other than she was abused. We could have easily switched places and found each other again.

 

Writing this down for Future Use. Open Ayako conceived July 6th 2013, Birthday July 20th 1988. Realtime Age, roughly 4 years.