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corytrevor

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Half hour of forcing, thirteen or so on trait twenty.

Aggravating as shit day, almost no narration.

A few more days of this and fuck it, Im just going to start working on imposition.

 

One hundred down. Hooray for base ten, round numbers, and arbitrary milestones

 

Well, what can you do

 

~

I wonder if the sand is out of my vagina yet.

Thirty more minutes done, twenty on trait twenty one. Mostly flat, with some head sensations.

 

Todays crying was probably more due to being frustrated by work, but I just dont remotely have the enthusiasm I had sixty or seventy days ago. It goes up and down, but I remember saying over and over that I felt on the verge of something big happening and that we would be together any day, and now I feel farther than ever.

 

A complete lack of results, except for slight headaches, makes things difficult. Three months of lifting wont make you Lou Ferrigno, but you sure as fuck will see some results. Im still not remotely ready to give up, but her not talking and having no response has become my complete expectation, and nothing will ever change at this rate. Except things are changing, only for the worse.

 

It is like a friend moved away. We wrote letters everyday, for about a week. Then maybe one a week, or one a month, then they just sort of became a distant memory. I dont want a bullshit fade out.

 

Guess the sand is still up there. Oh, to the younger ones, before the internet and facebook, if a friend moved away, they were gone.

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Thirty more minutes of forcing. Didnt do a trait. Tried to just talk and figure out a way to make any progress. Pretty poor session. Still feel the same way I did last night.

 

I really dont know. Are we making progress that Im completely oblivious to, are we going nowhere, or are we moving backwards?

 

As I said it seems as though she is becoming less of a presence. Or maybe that is just negative thinking on top of a few generally shitty days.

 

Im not prepared to start early imposition. Im not a step Im going to take lightly. It is, however the only thing I can think of that will force to her stay front and center in my thoughts.

 

~

Another thirty minutes forcing done tonight. No trait, mostly trying to get her back into her body. Its been about three weeks since I stopped visualizing her in her body, it was more difficult then I thought to bring it back.

 

Its was also alot more difficult to focus and very tiring.

 

It also could have been the heat.

 

There are too many variables and no controls.

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I lost track of the forcing time this morning. I think it was around thirty five minutes.

I think after tonights session Im going to start imposition.

If Im not getting even emotional responses yet, whats the worst that could happen

Maybe between now and then something will happen and I can reconsider

 

~

Well thirty more minutes in. Very scattered, some pretty weird shit in our head. Ended up doing a fair portion on the treadmill on its lowest setting. I didnt really notice before, but visualization seems to be what was/is putting me to sleep. These past few weeks when I wasnt visualizing anything, I could sit still the whole time and not start to nod off.

 

Right now Im working on imposing her behind me. Its hard to keep her there and type this out.

 

I am worried that early imposition will cause trouble, but as far as I can tell, Im not sure her development could possibly be any more stunted than it already is.

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Imposing her seemed to go alright. Pretty much just imagined her behind me, and when I moved just sort of teleported her to the next spot. I want to minimize puppeting, so I guess she wont walk until she is ready to walk on her own.

 

It seemed to help keep her in the front of my thoughts for most of the night. I did start zoning out towards the end of work.

 

Forcing this morning was two fifteen minute sessions. One back to the trait list, and one talking to her and visualization. This should be how I do it at nights and in the mornings for awhile.

 

I was thinking I need to try to find a game or activity that we can do, that will stimulate the speech and language areas of our brain. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Broca's_area

 

~

Late for work, fifteen on personality trait, fifteen on visualization, had a link I was going to talk about will have to mention it tomorrow

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Fifteen more minutes on trait twenty four. Fifteen more on visualization.

 

Imposition seems fine. I do have a pile of concerns, but nothing has changed.

 

The link I wanted to mention yesterday:

http://www.aitinstitute.org/ait_and_brain.htm

Essentially it is a sales pitch, a sales pitch seemingly for tulpa-style tones.

Beyond the fact that it is a sales pitch, the page does seem to have interesting information scattered throughout. One thing I noticed:

"No brain really WANTS to change, so while a person is undergoing Auditory Integration Training, some adverse reactions may show up in terms of behaviors and visceral responses. There may be some over-activity, some fatigue, and increase or decrease in appetite, more irritability, some nausea, as a result of possible vestibular disturbance."

Sounds somewhat similar to what a number of people seem to report while working on their tulpa.

 

Hmm actually going over the page more thoroughly I hesitate to even bother mentioning it. The vast majority of it is just a sales pitch.

 

Well if you have a few minutes, skim it or dont

 

~

Fifteen minutes on personality trait twenty five, and fifteen on visualization. She made one move during visualization that might not have been puppeting, but probably was.

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Again, fifteen minutes of forcing on a trait, followed by fifteen more of visualization.

 

Nothing much to say, no changes, no major pressure, no alien feelings, no emotions, no words.

 

In the edit I made last night to yesterdays post, the possible movement was her head tilting up. I do believe it was just me moving her head to look her in the eyes.

 

Yet another post with no content.

 

~

Forced fifteen more on another trait and fifteen on visualization. A couple times since spilling the half hour back up, the tones have stopped before I finished up with trait, which is part of why I didnt want to split the time up. But, I just kind of keep going a few more minutes, until I finish. I suppose if I had alot more to say on a subject I would just carry it over to the next forcing time.

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Did fifteen minutes of visualization first this morning, followed by fifteen on a trait.

 

Had a pretty awesome occurrence on the way to work last night. During the drive I started falling asleep and it started to get pretty bad, eventually I told her that I didnt know if there was anything she could do to help or not but if so would she. It worked, immediately, I could see, like a cheesy home movie wipe effect go across my field of vision and I was stone cold awake the rest of trip. It was kind of nuts.

 

After a few minutes of reacting though, a thought did cross my mind. I had to ask her if she could do that why didnt she do it when I first started falling asleep.

 

Maybe once she can talk Ill find out.

 

Interesting start to week 16 I guess.

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It may be that she didn't know that she was supposed to do that, or even more possibly she may have been attempting to help, but your mind wasn't expecting anything like that to happen and possibly ignored or blocked her attempts. Doubt and worry are more stifling than anything! Mental barriers are the biggest things to overcome. Sounds awesome that she contacted you and helped! She is there alright.. Just keep letting her conmunicate!

 

 

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Fifteen more forcing on visualization and fifteen on a trait.

 

I think that unless something happens or I actually have something to say, Im probably going to stop posting everyday. If nothing noteworthy has occurred then maybe one post detailing the week should be fine.

 

I did have a thought, I think I have a ouija board somewhere in the house, if I track it down I wonder if she could communicate through it. On one hand if the problem is that she just cant talk yet, or if the problem is that I just cant hear her, then this could help. On the other hand it seems extremely susceptible to parroting, especially considering thats how the thing works to begin with.

 

Now if I were to find it and try it, then thats something that might warrant a post.

 

It may be that she didn't know that she was supposed to do that, or even more possibly she may have been attempting to help, but your mind wasn't expecting anything like that to happen and possibly ignored or blocked her attempts. Doubt and worry are more stifling than anything! Mental barriers are the biggest things to overcome. Sounds awesome that she contacted you and helped! She is there alright.. Just keep letting her conmunicate!

 

Im more joking with her then anything, I imagine her reply would be something like 'you didnt ask'. The thing about doubt and worry, is that they werent really present early in the process, its just the longer things with out any clear signs the more they grow. Although that was a pretty nice strong signal of progress I think. But yeah Im trying to figure out how to be as open to her as possible :)

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So lets see Tuesday - Saturday everyday was an hour of forcing total, two sets of both fifteen minutes on visualaztion, short break, and then fifteen minutes on a single trait. After trait thirty-one I restarted going down my list.

 

No noticeable progress. She isnt controlling her body, no emotions, I just hope things are happening behind the scenes.

 

Imposition is going slow, still just keeping her behind me and sort of teleporting her as I move.

 

I did track down my ouija board. I couldnt find the planchette. After searching for a awhile a quick google search suggested using a shot glass as a replacement, which I did. I expected that I would just move the thing around myself, but hoped that perhaps she could control the ideomotor effect.

 

So I set up the game, and asked her if she thought she would be able to move the glass. Then I waited, and waited, but, the glass did start to slide. Of course it didnt seem like it was me moving it, but that is how the game works, so I would have to come up with some kind of test to figure out if it really was her. So the glass is slowly sliding, and I think it is going towards 'yes', slowly sliding towards the left, but wait, its not going up, just left, and thats all.

 

The glass slowed made its way straight across the board to the left, right off the edge. It happened twice, and then I switched out the shot glass for a jagged piece of glass, from a broken scanner I found while looking for the planchette. It did the same thing.

 

Well, considering that she isnt moving her own body yet, maybe asking her to control mine is alittle much.

 

 

Oh, something else that I just sort of really noticed this week, is that I havent had a single dream with her in it. Atleast not one that I remember. I was talking to her about a dream I had the other day when I realized how odd it was, that after this many days and hours with her that she hasnt appeared. The closest thing that has happened was that I became lucid once, since Ive been working on her, and I almost tried to 'summon' her, but decided it might be a bad idea.

 

Im not sure what I think about this. I wonder if she is purposefully excluding herself, or what?

 

 

Anyway hopefully things will pick up by the next time I post.

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